Reflections: The High School Years

Finally having my classes end for the semester, I’ve had a little more time to just think, namely reflect back on my life. I may start a series of these (I went back and changed the Semester of Change post to this) – only time will tell – but today I’ll focus on my high school years. The greatest years of my life so far.

Coming out of my rather traumatic junior high years, high school was a time of rebirth and growth for me. I was at a different school. I was with new people. And I was shy.

But I had some of the greatest classmates anyone could ask for. They welcomed me in like I had been there for years. It was a shock to me that these people actually wanted to get to know me, wanted to be my friend. In junior high, that was anything but the case.

High school saw my popularity grow. Me, popular?! Who would have ever imagined that? Definitely not me! I started out as a nothing freshman, but as time passed, people began to notice me. People began to recognize me. People began to respect me. By my junior year, I had more power around that school than I realized.

It didn’t hurt that I did good on my work and would usually help anyone who didn’t get on my nerves. Not to brag but I graduated with a 4.0 and one of the highest ACT scores that school had ever seen (I had the highest math score from the school). I wasn’t a bookworm though. Hell no. But most of my classmates put me up on a pedestal as a genius and a goodie-goodie. I was neither. I just did all of my work and actually tried. That doesn’t qualify me as a genius. As for the ACT score, it’s a standardized test. If you can figure out the pattern, you can kick ass. But I guess you have to be kind of smart to figure them out. The goodie-goodie reputation was laughable to anyone who truly knew me. I cheated. I helped others cheat. I talked nothing but shit about people. I would cuss you out at the drop of a hat. I had extreme apathy for my school work. I never paid attention in class. Those who didn’t know me never had a clue about the way I was. They only thought I was a quiet nerd. They missed out!

I was really popular with the teachers too. They loved me! I caught on to things very quickly. I did all of my work. I was quiet in class (or so they thought, they just never caught me). I was their dream student. More than one teacher had told me that if they had a class full of mes they’re job would be almost too easy. And I never sucked up to them either. Honestly!

Being a tiny country school, the teachers and students got to know each other very well. We could all joke together and sometimes the teachers would just want to hang out with us during and even after class (we were their favorite class after all). Most of the teachers were very cool and laid back. But boy did they gossip! I saw it first hand too. I was a student worker for one teacher in particular my senior year. Damn! This woman did nothing but gossip about everyone. Teachers and students! I mean, she was all up in everybody’s business! Of special interest to her was everyone’s sex life! She would ask me and another girl who worked for her at the same time if we knew if anyone in our class had been sleeping around! What the fuck? Yeah, I always got the juicy info from N, but that’s really none of my business much less a teacher’s business! She was a sex freak anyway. Every chance she had to make something sexual, she took it. It was just sick at times. I sometimes wondered if she had something going on with some of the guys in the school. She sure was all touchy-feely with me on several occasions.

Clubs were my life in high school. I was in almost every club offered. I was even in an abstinence club! (Stop laughing! I always wondered how a gay person could practice abstinence since we can’t get married or pregnant – not that I ever thought of practicing it anyway.) My big dog clubs were Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) and Family, Career, and Community Leaders of America (FCCLA, formerly FHA – what can a gay boy say?). In both, I came SO close to qualifying for nationals in their respective events but never quite made it. FCCLA was my favorite out of the two and the one I was most active in. I held a local office for three years. I was even president my senior year, beating a very good friend of mine (AP) for the position by one vote. I’ll never forget the day my advisor broke the news to AP and me. We were both in shock. AP had actually talked me out of running for president and just taking vice president (in that case, we both would have gotten our office by default without a vote since no one else was running for them), but our advisor talked me back into running the day of the vote. I even think our advisor was shocked that I won! She didn’t think I was as popular as I was. But the girls loved me! They wanted me. That was my strength. If only they knew…

I met some really great friends in high school and had an awesome class. Most of us genuinely cared about each other. It was like we were a real family. I looked forward to going to school each day because I enjoyed being around my classmates. I loved high school and always hated the idea of graduating. That meant our family would be broken up! But life doesn’t always go along with my ideas and by the end of my senior year, I was ready to get out. Everything seemed to pile up at the end of the year which stressed me out big time. The long-standing tradition of an end-of-the-year FCCLA party, which I, as president, had to organize, didn’t help alleviate any of the stress (oddly this tradition ended after our extremely active class graduated – we kept this thing going each year because we wanted it and had the determination to get it done). So on May 13th, 2005, I walked the stage to receive my diploma. Friday, the 13th. Lucky us!

I never came out during high school. The thought of doing so never actually crossed my mind. I’ll be honest – I was still in denial about it even though in my heart I knew I really was gay. The funniest thing is that I graduated as the top student in my class and one of the most highly respected students – by students and faculty alike – in the entire school. Yes, me, the gay boy! Graduated top in my class from small Hickville High in a bigot-ridden southern dot on the map! When I graduated, everyone knew my name. They knew D. Knew who I was. Knew what I had done. Knew everything except for my dirty little secret. So as I stood on stage during graduation and accepted my diploma, I couldn’t help but smile as I knew the influences this gay boy had had on this redneck school. I couldn’t help but smile as I thought of all the fun times I had had. Of all the friends I had made. Of all the great memories I would keep forever.

I didn’t want to leave, but life moves on and I had to go with it. If I could go back, yes I would do a few things different. I would be little wilder and go out with my friends a little more often. I would probably come out too. It would be interesting to see how popular I would be then. I might be surprised though since a lot of people loved me.

But I wasn’t the only gay person in my class. We had a lesbian who graduated top in our class as well. We had four 4.0ers (out of 27 in the class) – three girls, one guy (that’s me!). Yes, two of us were gay! We were both in the closet, even to each other. Her secret was pretty much out though. Everyone knew even though she constantly denied it. But she had some problems, anger and depression problems. I tried to be her friend (she was actually a very distant relative of mine), but she was just too damn annoying. I couldn’t stand being around her for long since she oozed hate and anger and sucked the fun out of everything. You know Debbie Downer from SNL? That was this girl only with a really bad attitude! She always clung to me too for some reason. Maybe her gaydar worked better than mine and she knew the truth. I tried to avoid her as much as possible, but I felt bad for her at the same time since she clearly had some problems and almost no one liked her. Even though I guess I become “popular,” I still made a note to talk to those who everyone ignored and may not have gained popularity like I had. Most of them seemed happy to have someone from the “in crowd” come and hang with them for a while. Some other people would make comments about me doing that, but I didn’t care. I know what it’s like for them. I’ve been there. It’s not fun to be ignored and mocked.

I had my very own stalker in high school too! I felt so privileged! It all started toward the end of my junior year. My stalker was a girl from a neighboring high school. We had both qualified for the state literary rally and everyone in the whole parish rode together on a bus and stayed at the same hotel for the event. Well, she fell in love with me on the trip! On the way home, she told one of the cool teachers from my school that she had a crush on me and the teacher then told me. It all made sense then! She had strangely hung around me a lot during the trip – following my friend (AG) and me through the mall, asking to see my senior ring (but no one else’s from our school) and wanting to play cards (Rook baby!) with the group from our school even though she didn’t know how to play. Anyway, I didn’t know what to do (is it really a surprise to anyone at this point that I didn’t know what to do?). I thought about talking to her then maybe breaking it off later if she really fell for me. Or maybe being an ass to her and hoping that she was turned off by that (I’m too nice of a guy to do that though). Or just ignoring her and hoping she would go away. Yeah, I went with the last option. It didn’t work! She started coming to all of our school’s home basketball games looking for me (I never went to any of them). She went to most of the extracurricular events I went to (for example, a district Beta meeting). It was kind of creepy. This bitch was determined though as she stalked me all through my senior year. She was probably at my graduation still wanting a piece of me! She probably still gets wet just thinking of me! (Isn’t that what girls do? I’m clueless when it comes to female stuff like that.) Why can’t I meet guys like that now? I should see if I can find her number and call her.

My high school years were awesome! I’m so glad I can look back today and laugh about all the amazing people I met and the great times I had. If only I had gotten laid back then! By a guy of course! Oh yeah! One in particular I would have loved to have had my way with! I did sleep with him on a school trip! =) Nothing happened though. =( But I did wake up the next morning with him all over on my side of the bed. There was another guy I would have loved to have tussled with under the sheets who I had my suspicions about. There was something about the way he looked into my eyes when we would talk. It was like he was trying to seduce me. I should have taken a swing at him to see what would have happened! I may have been surprised by the outcome! Anyway, he always came to me for advice and wanted to have one-on-one talks with me about life stuff. I was a year older than him but I’m not sure why he came to me for that. He was cute though so it didn’t bother me any!

For the longest time after I graduated, I missed high school like crazy. I couldn’t listen to Graduation/Friends Forever by Vitamin C without crying! It still chokes me up a little. But, I’ve moved on now. I realized I have a new adventure ahead of me that just may put the fun of high school to shame! I will never forget the friends I made and the great times I had in high school though. I couldn’t forget them even if I tried!