That's A Wrap

The spring semester is over for me. I took my last final today. ='(

Free at last!!

Ha! It's been an interesting semester though. Finally got out into my major's classes instead of just basics. It's looking good too. I'm glad I changed my major.... no more straddling two vastly different directions (physics and marketing).

But who cares what happened with my classes... it's all about who I met during the spring semester!! =)

Quick Notes

- Last Sunday marked one month since I met my baby! We weren’t able to be together but we talked a lot on the phone... definitely not as good as being there with him but better than nothing. I’ve had so much fun with him over the past month... just being around him or hearing his voice brightens my day. Yes, I think I’ve fallen in love!! It kills me that we can’t be together as much as we want, but right now it’s just not possible due to so many things… that problem may be solved later this month though and it can’t be solved soon enough!!

- The parents are slowly making progress. They’ve gotten to the point where I can go visit the bf without having to make up some elaborate plan. My dad actually seems to be further along than my mom. I get a lecture from her every time I go, but my dad just wants to know when I’ll be home and that’s usually it. Both seem to have taken a sort of I-don’t-care-anymore attitude with me which – to be completely honest – doesn’t bother me in the least bit. Hopefully, I will be able to move in with the bf this month… and they’ll be left all alone after having a full house for over 20 years. What will they do?

Yes, all of this has driven a wedge in our relationship. All of the bullshit they’ve dumped on me and continue to do so (albeit in smaller amounts now) has done nothing but push me farther away and actually cause me to despise them at times. There’s still bucket loads of tension among us especially since my brother has completely moved out and I’m the only other human interaction available around the house most of the time. ‘It’ is never talked about until I go visit my baby and is never discussed after I get back home either. Oh well.

- Today was my last day of class!! Finals are next week. Another semester down! I’m almost half way through now and I’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel… it sho as hell lookin’ good too!

- And finally – when you’re out driving, be sure to look out for motorcycles too!

The Results

The grades from my midterms last week were finally posted online. Here they are:

Stats – 100%

ISDS – 96%

Econ – 106% (bonus)

I am so excited!!!! I screamed when I saw them!! I just couldn’t hold it back!! I guess this means I can enjoy my break after all!

Oh and by the way, isn’t something special supposed to happen tomorrow? Seems like I remember someone saying something about tomorrow?!? ;-)

Midterms! Midterms!! MIDTERMS!!!

Phew!!!

I finally got through all of my tough mid-terms!! And I couldn’t be happier to have them behind me! For the last two days I’ve been studying and stressing over these tests… oh and bitching about them to anyone unfortunate enough to be within earshot of me. I had my ass whipped into form after getting my chemistry midterm back – 77%! I screwed up by thinking I knew the shit and not studying enough for it. It’s not all that bad, but I can’t let it happen again – I’ve got scholarships I’ve got to maintain. So I studied my ass off for the midterms I took today!

I have horrible study habits. I’ve never been one to study much anyway… it usually just clicks with me at some point and I don’t need to study. When I do study though, I get to a point where I can’t any longer and that’s usually a sign that I’m ready. And oh I was ready for those bad boys today! I think I kicked ass on them!! I’ve got one more tomorrow but it should be quick and easy then I’m done with all of it – everything – until the 26th!! Yep, spring break baby!!! And ain’t I just lucky… guess what falls within the confines of spring break!! =)

So what will I be doing during spring break? Not much. I’ve told a few friends I’d help them move into their new house, so I’ll help if they need me… or I may just barge up there anyway to check out their new place. Today, T hinted to me about going to see 300 sometime this weekend or next week. She just broke up with her boyfriend… she made sure I knew that! Honey, don’t be getting any ideas! I could play boyfriend for awhile if she wants to appear resilient but I hope she doesn’t expect anything else. The most exciting thing I may do is go to the dealership where I bought my car for them to check out and fix a few things and have them treat me like a clueless fucking idiot. I always enjoy that!!

And with classes out next week, I may finally have time to do some real boy hunting! I’ve already thought up a few excuses for going out with someone, being out really late or staying overnight at a guy’s house. They may not work when the time comes, but I’ll at least have given it a fighting chance. If all else fails, the truth would just have to come out, but that’s assuming something actually happens first… if I can get over my fears.

Now for a few updates:

My cousin – no clue… haven’t talked to him or heard anything. I’m a bad cousin, aren’t I? I’ve been busy though.

My brother – he brought his boyfriend down to show off to my mom. I didn’t get to see him… my brother thinks I might steal him away, that’s it!! Well, I don’t think they’re actually dating – I no longer even think my brother is gay – but it’s fun to play like they are! And who knows, they may actually be dating… if so, you go gurl!! I’ve seen pictures and he is cute! Good catch! And if my bro doesn’t want him, I’ll take him!!

The weather – spring is here already as is that wonderful layer of yellow that coats everything outside. The wind blows and it looks like a dust storm, a yellow dust storm, a puffy-eyes, runny-nose, yellow dust storm… it’s not good. But I noticed this week that the campus is coming back to life after hibernating all winter. It feels more refreshing and upbeat to walk around campus now that all the flowers are popping back out. And it won’t be long before the crepe myrtles will be blooming again.

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And last (but most definitely not least) if you haven't heard already, our beloved Spider has been admitted to the hospital. Please go check out the details on his blog and wish him well while you're there. Spider, I'm wishing ya the best!!

Major Problems With A Major Change

I don’t understand some people. Why do they frown on college students who change their majors? My aunt and I were talking about this a while back, and I thought about it again after being asked about my major today. It usually goes something like this:

Them: “So how are your classes this semester?”

Me: “They’re all going good so far.”

T: “Well, that’s good. What are you majoring in again?”

M: “Marketing.”

T: (with a different tune in their voice) “You weren't originally going in that though, were you?”

M: “No, I was originally going in physics but I changed to marketing this past semester.”

T: (with a sneer and that look) “Oh.”

That look, you know, that disapproving, how-pathetic look. It’s like it’s such a horrible, unspeakable thing to change your major! You’re the scum of the earth now that you’ve changed your major! And this look only comes from people who didn’t go to college. Why? Bitterness because they didn’t go or couldn’t swing it? Or do they think changing your major means failure in that you couldn’t take what you were going in? Do they not realize how common it is for a college student to change their major?

I changed my major because I was over a year behind in physics (bad decisions on what classes to take) and about where I needed to be for marketing. I didn’t change because I couldn’t handle physics. I could have! I’ve always been strong in math and that side of science, and I did great in the classes that I had taken for physics. My interests changed slightly and I got tired of being so far behind.

If anything, the change helped me. I’ll finish a lot sooner, and I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do with a degree in physics anyway! But I think I would get a better reaction from some people if I told them I was dropping out rather than changing my major.

I guess you just gotta shake them hatas off!!
(N would be rolling if she knew I said that!)

PS: No tornadoes for us yesterday. We just had strong winds all day. Unfortunately, some farther north in Louisiana and in Arkansas weren’t so lucky. My thoughts go out to them.

Morning Sickness

This morning I woke up feeling like I had only half of the cylinders firing. I had gone to bed later than normal last night, plus I was around Tiff yesterday who is just now getting over a week’s worth of illnesses. I’m afraid I may be coming down with something too. Let’s hope not!

Looking and feeling like absolute shit, I thought as I was leaving the house about not going to the GSA meeting today on campus. Just hanging with the girls and doing nothing (or maybe sleeping) sounded a lot more fun to me. But I had been looking forward to the meeting for several weeks, so I decided to would go anyway. Inside though, I was actually wanting something to pop up and prevent me from going. I wasn’t in a good mood today, and I didn’t really want my first impression to be one of a crabby bitch.

I got my wish. As I was leaving my chemistry class, I saw AP (and she saw me so no turning and running away) sitting in one of the chairs in the hallway waiting for AG and S to finish their tests. I didn’t feel like brushing her off to go to the meeting. I needed someone to talk to anyway.

We ended up having a blast as we all crammed into S’s car and rode around town during common hour. Laughter always makes me feel better and we all did a lot of laughing!

As for GSA, there’s always next time. Two weeks.

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As I was driving home, I noticed several of the old ladies in the community were out in their yards piddling around with this and that. Today is a bright, warm, and sunny day. Just the day to be doing that. Just the day my grandma would have loved. As I approached our house, I almost expected to see my grandma out working in her yard across the road. She’d throw her hand up with a big smile on her face as I pulled into our driveway. And I sometimes expect to see her standing at her screen door as I put my stuff in the car in the morning. As I leave, she’d crack the door and wave. But no one’s ever there now. No one in the yard. No one standing at the door. No waves. No smiles. It’s all gone except for the memories.

What They Didn’t Say

I’ve been so focused lately on what my parents did say that I completely ignored what they did not say.

I never thought about it until a little while ago when I was in the shower (aka the Great Thoughts Generator). Yea, my parents asked my bro if he was gay but that was it! Nothing came after that. No ‘because if you are, we’ll kick you out.’ No ‘we’ll disown you.’ Nothing! NOTHING!!!

Plus when my mom popped the question to my bro, it seemed to be an afterthought even with her condescending tone. It was like she was telling my bro what my dad had said and then just tacked on a ‘oh, you’re not, are you?’ at the end.

Maybe I’m overanalyzing this again – I have a tendency to do that with things – but this could be just as monumental as my mom’s silence a few weeks back. Laying the foundation for things to come, I guess.

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My classes are going along good so far. I have my first test in accounting tomorrow! Not sure how it will go!

The Gay-Straight Alliance meeting on campus is next week! I’m prepping my friends for my absence during common hour that day so they won’t suspect anything. I feel so bad doing that though! I’ve ditched them once to hang out in the library (unfortunately not with tgimhc) and I’m going to do it again tomorrow to study for accounting. They never call to check on me when I don’t show up during common hour… I always call them if they don’t show. Maybe that says something about our friendship. Of course, I am hiding something from them so who am I to be questioning all that? We do all have our secrets though.

Freezing On The First Day

My eyes scan the campus walkways.

There! Right there!

My heart starts beating faster.

I can’t look… not directly at least. I just keep talking to AP on my cell phone as I walk past him around to one of the pillars of the building.

Quick glances.

I end the conversation with AP after I realize I’m mindlessly saying words to her and not actually listening to anything she’s saying. My thoughts are occupied by something else… or I should say someone else.

I hang up the phone and head inside to do what I had originally intended to do (officially changed my major). I walk by him. He’s on the phone. I want to just grab him and drag him over to one of the “private studying rooms” in the library to have my way with him. That would be hot!

So, lucky me… I get to see the guy in my history class on my first day back! Hopefully, it won’t be the last time to see him either. He is so hot… I can barely take my eyes off of him (that is if I ever look directly at him)! Maybe someday I’ll develop the balls to go talk to him.

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Ok, today wasn’t so bad. Just damn cold! I don’t think it ever got over 35 here. Just two days ago the highs were in the 70s! That’s Louisiana weather for you though! And tonight, there’s a chance of snow. Yes, snow! By the end of the week, the high will probably be back up around 70 or 80…

I had three classes today – chemistry, accounting and a computer course. Accounting is going to be tough! The professor seems like a bitch but a bitch who knows her stuff. The others shouldn’t be too bad… though the professor for the computer class is a whack job. Tomorrow, I have an economics and a statistics class… if they’re not canceled because of snow.

[By the way, I took that picture on the way home today… almost ran off the road doing it too! It’s related to absolutely nothing in this post, but I just thought I would add it to spice things up a little. Bonus points if you can tell me what road that is!!]

Spring Starts In The Winter

Classes start back tomorrow. Oh joy! Yes, the excitement I once had has faded. But it’ll be fine once I get back into the groove. It’s just getting back into that groove that’s such a pain in the ass.

And who knows what may happen this semester! I’m hoping a lot, if ya know what I mean! =) I guess I’ll just have to wait and see though!

Katrina, My Dear Bitch

It was my first semester in college… not far into it. I was still clueless too. But that bitch we call Katrina attacked not only the lower parts of Louisiana but also Alabama.

Being in the northern part of the state, we never saw much from that dear bitch except for maybe a few showers (Rita would nick us and lay a few trees over, nothing even comparable to the southern parts though). The damages and losses from these two hurricanes – especially Katrina – were horrible. Not to brush that off as nothing but that’s not what I want to talk about now.

The north was suddenly crowded by evacuees. I remember sitting in the turning lane on Berts to go to Walmart for probably five minutes as a solid and constant line of cars flowed by. Whoever the hell decided a turn signal wasn’t needed at that red light should be fired! But despite the added hassle of more – a lot more – traffic, I never got upset about it. Put yourself in their shoes. I would be running away too if I had lived down there.

But the most memorable and inspiring moment was yet to come. The college I attend had opened its gymnasium up as a shelter for evacuees. My psychology professor – I loved her – decided to cancel class one day for everyone to go to the gym to help out in whatever way they could – bringing in food, talking to someone, playing with the kids, anything. We weren’t really required to go… it was completely optional and it wouldn’t affect our grade if we didn’t show. But I went, most of the class went. After our professor gave us a short briefing and had us check in, she left us to do as we pleased. At first, I didn’t know what to do. People, kids, adults were running around everywhere. I followed some of the guys in my class around to a truck unloading supplies, but they told us we couldn’t help (?). So I wandered around outside looking for some way I could help. I didn’t want to go inside. I had heard about it. I didn’t want to see that.

Finally, I found myself back at the front of the gym where several kids were playing. I watched them for a while and noticed this one kid in particular seemed sort of down, not playing much with the other kids. Opportunity! So I decided I would talk to him. I don’t remember his name… can’t believe I don’t remember his name. But, this kid was awesome! The strength, courage and maturity he had at his young age – probably 9 or 10... he told me but I don't remember that either – was amazing! I talked with him for about an hour. He told me where he had lived in New Orleans. That their house was probably destroyed. That he hadn’t heard from his dad in several days and had no clue where he was or if he was even alive. As we talked, he started crying a little at one point… and so did I. I wanted to tell him with certainty that everything would be ok, their house was fine, his dad was alright. I wanted to somehow take away the pain this kid was feeling. No one should have to feel that way, much less a kid this young. But no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t. I was almost at a loss of words. I just patted him on the back and told him everything would work out in the end.

After we talked about the hurricane and both of us stopped crying, I tried to get his mind onto other things. Can you imagine sitting around all day with nothing to do except for wondering if you had a house to go back to and if your father was alive? We talked about his hobbies and interests and ended up throwing a basketball around a few times. But soon, I had to go. I could tell the guy who rode with me to college – also in my psyc class – was getting ready to leave as this class was our last class of the day and we had been there longer than we normally would for a regular class.

Before I left though, this kid wanted to go inside to get a bottle of water. He wanted me to go with him. No! I don’t want to go in there! But, I followed him into the hall just inside the doorway. And as he turned to go into the actual gym where everyone was at, I hesitated. He looked back and waved me on. I couldn’t just stand there. I couldn’t just abandon him. So slowly I walked to the doorway that opened into the gym. Oh my God! It was so sad! People – tons of people – lying on mats on the gym floor. People just wandering around scared, confused. I stood there in a daze for a few seconds then I heard him calling me. I walked over to him as he grabbed a bottle of water out of a cooler. I bent down beside him (he was pretty short for his age) and told him I had to leave now. I could tell he didn’t want me to leave… I really didn’t want to leave (though I did want to go back outside) and I regret not staying longer. But, I hugged him and told him to stay strong and that I would be praying for him and his family and that I would try to come back to see him again. I never did… I had the chance to, several chances… but never did. I kick myself for not going back.

That kid showed me several things. He showed me what strength and courage really is. He showed me how to stay strong even when everything else has fallen apart. He showed that I shouldn’t complain about my petty little problems so much… they’re nothing. Not once did he complain about anything while I was there. And look at what he was going through. My problems couldn’t even begin to compare.

Many times since then, I’ve wondered what happened to him. I saw him and some of the other kids I talked to on the news the next day when one of the local stations did a report about the evacuees staying at the college. But, I wonder where he is now. If he still had a house. And most importantly, if he ever heard from his dad. I hope and pray everything really did work out for him in the end.

With A New Semester

…comes new things and new people. And late New Year’s Resolutions!

This semester my classes have fallen just so perfectly that I have no classes on Friday and my MW classes don’t start until noon. So since I’ll have the entire morning to do whatever on Mondays and Wednesdays, I hereby declare (makes me feel special to say that!) my late New Year’s Resolution to be to go to the local track in the morning each Monday and Wednesday and maybe Friday and do a little walking/jogging/running (weather permitting). I’m bad out of shape. Not obese mind you. Just out of shape. At almost 5’11” and weighing around 140, I’m probably underweight. My goal is to be able to climb the four flights of stairs to my math class this semester without walking into class huffing and puffing out of breathe like I did last semester with my history class (but remember who was in my history class? It made the climb well worth it!).

I’ve got to stop being so damn shy too! That’s another NYR. I’m going to actually have to talk to the people who sit by me in my classes!! Be the first to speak! I usually wait for them to talk to me and sometimes we both just sit there like dumbasses in complete silence since we’re both afraid to speak! It has to stop!! I’m breaking through my shell! I’m done with it! They won’t be able to shut me up!!

And this semester, I will finally try to get a little more involved in stuff around campus. There are a few organizations I’ve been eyeing for a while but never took the step to go check them out. Specifically, I’ll definitely be going to the Gay-Straight Alliance meetings. My brother graduated in December, so I don’t have to worry anymore about him seeing me going to the meetings. I’ve talked with the advisor for the group through email and she’s really great. I just never went to any of the meetings… even after I told her I would (oops!).

But most importantly, I MAY BE GOING TO GERMANY THIS SUMMER!!!!! The college has a two-week study abroad program that goes to Germany every summer. And I may be going!! I’m SO excited!!! I’m trying to talk one of my friends into going with me if I do go so we could go to some other places in Europe after the program ends (cause I’m not going to do that by myself – this little country boy would get so lost and no one would ever find him). Once the semester starts, I’m heading straight to the guy who’s over the program to talk to him about it. I really hope I can go!! That would be so amazing!!! I’ve always wanted to go to Europe and never thought it could possibly happen this early in my life!!! Can you tell I’m excited?? Euro boys are cute!!

I never thought I would say this, but I’m actually ready for the spring semester to start. All this alone time really is driving me insane! Still have a week though. Bring it on! I’m ready for ya!!

[ I’m really hyper today as you can probably tell… and Lewis, no you really didn’t corrupt me any. I was already corrupt! =) ]

Reflections: 2006 – Figuring Out The Mayhem

NOTE: The following post contains a lot of rambling and reminiscing. You have been warned!

Two thousand and six – I entered it expecting it to be the typical year consisting of college, college and a bit more college. Boring. Mundane. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I have to be honest with you – I don’t remember much about the first part of ’06. It all just blurs together into two big sets – MWF and TR. Drive to class. Sit in class. Drive home. Eat. Sleep. Rewind, repeat. Nothing really exciting happened in the first part of the year. And that’s how I expected the rest of the year to play out as well. Not so.

The only thing I really remember from the first part of the year was my sociology class. I was in it with two girls I had gotten to know really well my first semester in college and had several classes with in the spring. The class started out great – great professor, simple notes, easy tests. Then, the professor’s husband lost his job and she had to quit to get a better paying full-time job. For about a week, we didn’t actually have a professor for the class. Random professors came in to fill in while the university searched for a new professor. Well, I think they just picked the first guy off the street who would actually agree to “teach” a class of college students entry-level, general requirement sociology. He was an ass! Mean, rude, confusing! No one’s opinion was right if it didn’t fall in line with his. He incited arguments in class almost every time we met and would then start cussing at everyone when he got pissed off because everyone was proving him wrong. And when people would start leaving class because of all this, he would explode and eventually just tell everyone to leave. The two girls and I hated him! We had some fun times talking shit about him before and after class though! Come the end of the semester and the professor evaluations came out, he tried to be all nice, but it was too late. I know the three of us and several others gave him terrible reviews. I haven’t seen him around campus since.

Oh yeah, I did get my truck stuck at my old high school in February after N talked me into going to the their last home basketball game of the year. Embarrassing! I had to basically park in a ditch because the school’s tiny parking lot was full. The dew fell during the game and all my truck wanted to do was spin the tires! I wanted to just crawl under the seat and hide!

Also, in February – the same day I got my truck stuck in fact – my grandmother fell and broke her hip. My dad and I had to carry her out to the car in a chair then my mom drove her to the local hospital. That was the last time she ever saw her house. She was in the hospital for about a week then moved to a rehab center not far from where we lived. She had Alzheimer's and never recovered from the broken hip. She was confined to a wheelchair. She had been living at home upon until she fell. The Alzheimer's wasn’t bad enough to require someone to stay with her or for her to go into the nursing home. But now that she was in a wheelchair and the Alzheimer's was rapidly worsening, there was no way she could go home. My mom couldn’t quit her job to care for her and her son… well, he didn’t do much of anything for her. It’s sad. So, my mom had to put her in the nursing home.

You’re probably wondering why I still went to the game even after that happened. Even though I insisted that I could go with my mom and grandmother to the hospital, my mom told me to go to the game – there was nothing I could really do that I hadn’t already done. So after much thinking, I went to the game, knowing my grandmother wouldn’t want me to not go just because of her. That day just was not a good day.

I ended the spring ’06 semester with three A’s and two B’s (Chemistry and English). Pretty good but I could have done better had I put more effort into it. I had planned to take classes in the summer, but the day payments were due I dropped all my classes. I needed some time off.

And I got my time off. I did nothing all summer long. Looking back, I kick myself for not doing something, anything. I think I gained about ten pounds that summer (come fall, I would drop those pounds plus about ten more to get to a weight I haven’t seen since early junior high).

Though early in the summer, my dad and I did install headers and dual exhaust on my truck. I lost a bit of my hearing then too. Word of advice: don’t sit in a truck with a V8 with open headers and rev the engine up to a steady rpm! It’s loud, really loud! And it will hurt your ears… permanently. And as usual, nothing went on easy. We had to cut some of the pipes in the just-bolt-it-up-and-you’re-done kit to make them fit. It sounds great now though… it should for all the shit we went through to get them (FedEx sucks) and put them on!

I took a few trips in the summer as well. My parents and I took a short trip to Hot Springs, Arkansas. It’s a nice little town but kind of strange in a way. I’d like to go back some time with some friends to check out some of the shops downtown. Then, my dad, his parents, my aunt, and one of my cousins (and me of course) went to Branson, Missouri for almost a week. That was one screwed up trip! We ended up staying in a trailer house at one of the resorts along one of the lakes there (can’t remember the name) because we found out that if you wait till the last minute to find a cabin big enough for six people, you won’t find one! It was nice… a little weird staying in a trailer though. This wasn’t my first time to visit Branson. I had been twice before this trip but never actually spent much time in town. I’ve always said it’s an old peoples’ or a family with little kids’ town. We visited Silver Dollar City and Celebration City (both great, Powder Keg and Wildcat kick ass!), went to the veteran’s museum (great and very interesting) and the much-hyped Titanic museum (crowded and boring), rode the scenic railroad (boring), and of course sat in traffic along the famous “Branson Strip” (whoopee!). The real highlight of the whole trip was spending time with my grandparents and playing ROOK (!!!!) with them.

As my summer slowed and the fall ’06 semester was looming in the horizon, two things happened that have changed my life - I finally admitted to myself that I’m gay and I started this blog! You can read more about all of that here.

In the middle of October, my grandmother died. She had been wanting to die since she was put in rehab. She would tell everyone who visited her that she just wanted to die. It had gotten so bad that I couldn’t stand to even visit her. It was just too hard to hear her saying she wanted to die and asking me if I thought she should go ahead and die. Eventually, she was put on anti-depressants and the death wishing stopped. She had also said she wanted to die before she got to the point that her sister got to. Her sister had Alzheimer's as well and got very far into it before she ultimately died from breast cancer that had resurfaced after years of being dormant. She was to the stage where she was completely dependant on someone else and didn’t recognize anyone and only dabbled. My grandmother didn’t want to get that bad. And she never did. She died still in the early stages. She could still talk and make sense most of the time, and she could still realize us. She would always get the biggest smile on her face when I walked into her room at the nursing home. My mom, who stopped by to feed her everyday, said that when I was there my grandmother’s mood was totally different – she smiled constantly and laughed more than she normally did. I regret not visiting her more often, but I can’t go back and change anything now. While I’m not happy that she died, I’m glad she never had to suffer through the later stages of Alzheimer's.

In November, I got a new car – a 2006 Pontiac Grand Prix. My old car, a Ford Focus, had been giving me some trouble with cranking, the a/c, and the CD player. Plus, the car was just built like crap. It was fun to drive, but I had serious doubts about how long it would keep running, at least all in one piece.

As for college, I had one of the most fun classes I’ve taken yet. It was a business law class and the professor was just awesome. I loved her! She knew her stuff and always had the class laughing. That was one class I wished would never end! I also changed my major from physics to marketing. During the semester, I came close to attending one of the meetings for the gay-straight alliance on campus. I should have gone, but I will this coming semester. I hear they’ve got a great group.

I closed out the fall ’06 semester with four A’s and one B. It would have been all A’s, but I couldn’t concentrate enough to study for my history final. It’s still good though.

At the end of 2006, I decided I would finally take that big step and come out to my parents, and while it didn’t actually happen in 2006, the fuse was lit. I’m still waiting for the bang.

This past year has been kind of strange. As I’m sitting here typing this, I’m not really sure what to say about 2006. It wasn’t a great year, but it wasn’t an absolutely horrible year either. I guess it was just an average year. Maybe 2007 will be a little more exciting… in a good way! =)

I want to thank everyone whose visited this site over the past few months! I especially want to thank everyone who left such great comments and sent me an email or two! You are all great and I hope you all have a great 2007!!

A Major Change

I haven’t done anything about the guy on the personals site. Still clueless about what to do, but that’s not what I want to talk about this time around.

I think I may change my major. I’m currently in physics but sickly behind. I’m in my second year and haven’t even taken most of the first year classes. I’ll be in college for another five years if I stay in this and I don’t want to waste my time and money doing that. So I’m thinking about changing to marketing. I’ve taken a lot of business electives, and I’m pretty much where I should be with it. Hell, I might even finish on time if I change to marketing. Plus, the business professors are so much more kick ass than the science professors are.

I’m not going to change my classes just yet. I’ll have to sleep on this for a few days. I made the mistake of not doing that last semester and got locked out of taking a much-needed class when I decided to change my major for all of one night. The classes I’ll need to change into have plenty of seats left, so there’s no big rush on that front.

Today, I planted another seed for getting an apartment near campus. I was talking with my mom about changing my major and the classes I would have to take, one being a night class. I gave her a good talk and I think I may have some hope. It all hinges on my parents giving the okay. Next Monday, my mom and I are going to the eye doctor. See opportunity to check out some apartments. I can’t even express in words how much I would love to move out of my parents’ house. I would turn into the biggest slut. Just kidding, I can’t really see myself doing that. But in high school, I never saw myself going to the college I’m at right now. So…

If I could secure an apartment, I would definitely email that guy. I’ll have to see what happens though.

Reflections: Fall 2006 – A Semester Of Change

Looking back over this semester, it’s amazing how much I’ve changed. I created this blog the Sunday before classes started and looking over my early posts it’s clear there’s a difference. In my writing. In my mood. In my personality. In the way I think. I am not the same person I was four short months ago.

A lot has happened this semester and in the weeks leading up to it. Things that, while very difficult at the time, have turned me into a much different and, for the most part, better person. The most influential thing that happened actually took place in the weeks just before the semester started. Depression. Deep, deep depression. That awful, crushing depression I experienced made me much stronger and laid the foundation for the changes that were coming my way. It made me realize who I am. That I had to embrace who I am – had to embrace that I am gay – and not be ashamed of myself. It took me 19 years to figure that out. Battling off such an overwhelming depression wasn’t an easy task, but that alone showed me that I had the inner strength to do whatever I set my mind to. After the depression hit, I figured I would have to get drugs to make it go away or just deal with it for the rest of my life. I did neither. It is gone now. I feel stupid crediting depression for shaping me into a better person, but it really was a big part of it.

Of course, depression isn’t the only thing that helped facilitate the change. This blog played a huge role as well. Never before had I been able to vent my feelings, frustrations, past trauma or whatever. I had nobody I felt I could talk to about most of the stuff in my life. I had so much shit pent up inside of me that I had never let out before. It never mattered that only a couple of people even read this. I’ve unloaded my guts here and it feels great to have done so.

It amazes me how much I’ve changed and the short amount of time in which it took place. To show how extreme and sudden some of the changes were, I went from leaning toward being a conservative republican before the semester began to relating closely with liberal democrats almost within the span of a single day. How’s that for a big change?

As for my social life, well… not much has changed in that department. I met one person this semester who I became friends with – K – but towards the end of the semester we started to drift apart it seemed. I would say we’re still friends just not as close as we were earlier. Oh well. I’ve still got several more years of college to develop a social life.

Will SlyD ever get any ass? Will he turn into a whore? Will he ever see the guy in his history class again? Will he find the love of his life? Will he ever come out of the closet? What will everyone’s reaction be? Tune in next semester to find out! On… the Misadventures of SlyD!!

College really is all about figuring yourself out. And I’ve done just that… so can I quit now?

Finals Week

Why is it that every time finals roll around the weather suddenly turns wet and dreary? It really helps the mood.

My last final is Thursday then I’m through till the middle of January when I have to start all over again with new, harder classes. Whoopee! I can’t wait!

Wish me luck on my finals! I’ll need all the luck I can get for my history final tomorrow. I haven’t been able to study much (sometimes I seriously think I have ADD), but I feel oddly confident about the test.

I’ll try to post something else tomorrow after I get the burden of my history final off my shoulders (the rest of them are no sweat). After finals are over, a few shockwaves may rock our household but only time will really tell.

A Little Bit Of Everything

Finals week is approaching – next week – and it looks like I’m going into it with very good standing. Most classes, I can bomb the final and still make an A. In fact, this semester may be the first (and probably last) time I get a 4.0! At the beginning, I never imagined that. My life was a wreck, and concentration was something I didn’t possess. I expected this semester to be the worst so far.

But, I picked my shit up and made my way through it. I hate what I went through, but looking back, it’s made me a better person in so many ways. I had my own little Enlightenment in my life this semester.

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My brother will be getting a new vehicle this week or next – a Jeep. How gay is that? He’s trading his V8 truck in for a V6 Jeep?! What the fuck is wrong with him?

I’m just kidding. I actually like the new Jeeps but wouldn’t really care to own one and use it as a daily driver like he will. Oh well. I’ve got my car so it doesn’t matter.

I did see a list of the gayest vehicles one time and the Jeep was on it. That I’m not kidding about. I’ve always had my suspicions anyway… =)

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Yeah, the traffic camera job... it didn’t work out. I would have had to work random shifts which would be impossible to do and go to college at the same time. So, I’ve got to look elsewhere.

I need a job soon though, so I can pay off my loan quicker (surprised I even got a loan without having a job). Plus, I seem to have developed a bad shopping habit. Just about an hour ago, I went to Target and spent almost $50… and that’s not the first time it’s happened. I guess I suddenly realized I had a little bit of money and could spend it. I need to stop before I go broke!

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It’s kind of strange and frustrating how my dad acts sometimes. Just this past Sunday, I drove my truck to church, and my parents had to ride back with me.

My dad and I went to the truck after church was over and waited for my mom to come out (she has to talk to everyone). I was in a hurry since the sermon ran late (and boring) and I had a million things to do before I went to bed.

The truck has a bench seat. My dad was sitting on the passenger side, and I was, of course, behind the wheel. My mom finally comes out, and I tell my dad to just move over on the seat so she can get in. He says no and that that wouldn’t look right. What the fuck? Homophobe. You’re afraid to sit by your own damn son because it may not “look right”? That, my friends, is sad.

This isn’t the first time this has happened either. The roles have been reversed where I was the one moving over. Despite his objections to that, I did it anyway. I don’t care what other people think, especially people I don’t know and probably never will know. Someone is not very secure with their own sexuality.

But on this occasion, it was at night and out in the country (the others were in the daytime and in the city in my dad’s truck). We met maybe two or three other vehicles on the way home. Besides, it’s not easy to see inside most vehicles you meet on the highway at night anyway.

He needs to get over himself and stopping worrying about shit like that. I wonder if he does this at work too when all the guys have to ride together in a truck. That would make it even worse if he didn’t – worrying about sitting too close to his son almost 35 years his junior rather than sitting close to horny men around his age. Which is gayer? I bet he’ll be floored when I come out unless this whole situation came about because he already knows the truth.

Leaf Drifting

My dad brought me to class today… in my car. Problem is I left my cell phone in the car when I got out. And, he left with the car to go to a doctor’s appointment. I have no way to call him, and we didn’t make arrangement about where to pick me up after I get out of class (he’s clueless on campus, too – he actually drives the speed limit…). Not sure what I’ll do. I may have to drop in to one of the department offices and ask to use their phone. As for why he rode with me, there’s his doctor’s appointment, plus I have to go get a scratch on my car fixed today. He thinks I can’t do that by myself.

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I went to Target yesterday. I love Target! They scored well on the HRC buying guide, too (not that I use that to base my shopping on – don’t have time to consult a guide when I’m shopping for something – but I just noticed it faired well). I really don’t know what I went in looking for – I just wanted to get away from campus – but I walked out with a couple of shirts and that Pink CD I’ve been wanting for a while now (they finally had it). I looked at some jeans, and I needed to have looked for some shoes, a few long-sleeve shirts (I have almost none), and a watch. I’m going back tomorrow if the weather is okay.

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Most of the leaves on the trees have fallen. Our yard is covered with them. So, you know what that means? Leaf drifting on the four-wheeler!

No matter what kind of mood I’m in, leaf drifting always gets me smiling and laughing. It’s just so much fun! Yes, I look like an idiot riding the four-wheeler laughing at seemingly nothing while I’m sliding all over our yard, but who gives a fuck? I’m having fun! And loads of it! That’s the country boy way of fun. Those city folk are just missing out.

NOTE: If you ever attempt this, make sure four-wheeler is rear wheel drive and not four wheel drive. Four wheel drive will just understeer through the leaves which is no fun (just kind of scary at times). For proper technique, go full throttle into large area covered with leaves and free of any obstacles (unless advanced leaf drifter). Start turning slightly and rear end should start to swing around, tightening your curve. Sometimes, rear end may need a rather quick steering input to break loose. If excessive oversteer exists, steer in the opposite direction of the slide to correct but stay on throttle. Straighten steering with throttle still applied to bring the rear end back in line. During the entire slide, never let off the throttle unless you slide out of leaves and tires regain grip in dirt (in which case, let off throttle and straighten steering). Congratulations! You have just learned to leaf drift.

Now, go try that and come back to tell me how it was. You know you want to. You know it’ll be fun. I can guarantee that.

Touchy Throttle

So far, I’ve found only one problem with my new car, and it’s just something I’ll have to get used to over time. The throttle is crazy sensitive right off idle. Every time I take off, the car lunges forward since I’m used to a car that requires some muscle to push the accelerator or requires playing with an additional pedal. The Mustang I drove several months back was the same way. I’ve heard this is a trick the domestics use to make the car appear to have more power than it actually does. For me, it just makes driving it a little awkward.

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On to more personal things, I’ve been contemplating a “coming out speech” in my head. It sounds pretty good to me, but I’ll forget every bit of it when – or if – I actually do come out. I could use note cards and make a Powerpoint! ;)

Regardless, the time is coming and coming fast. I can sense it just around the corner, and it quite frankly scares the shit out of me. But, I’ve got to do it. I’ve got to. (Why do I get the feeling I’ve said this before?)

On a different note, I’ve been working out – if you want to call it that – fairly consistently each night. And, I can tell the difference. My weight has taken a sizable drop and began to level off. My arms show a noticeable change, and my back and posture have improved. I’m satisfied with the results thus far, but I still need to join a gym to get a true full body workout.

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I may finally be getting a job. My dad found out about a part-time job watching traffic cameras. Exciting, I know. But, I may have time to do homework while I’m at work. Plus, the pay is around $10 an hour. Damn! I’m all for it. The only problem is fitting work in with my class schedule. They would not be flexible enough to work around my classes; my classes would have to work around them. This is not your typical college student job anyway.

If I snagged that job, I would probably have no problem convincing my parents I need an apartment near campus. Yes, I have a loan for my car now (it’s open and not too terribly much). But with that job and a sharp decrease in my gas bill thanks to a much shorter drive, I think I could afford rent. I may not have electricity or cable, but hey, I could at least pay the rent!

What would make things better is if I had someone to share an apartment (and rent and bills) with. Finding a long-term boyfriend to get an apartment with would be great (split bills plus kicking it anytime, anywhere we want), but that ain’t gonna happen. The idea that keeps resonating in my mind probably isn’t a great idea but would be the one most likely to work. Get an apartment with my brother. He graduates in December, and he’s pretty much got a job not far from campus. Yes, we would clash, but it just may work. He needs to move out of my parents’ house anyway (and so do I).

He would be a little snitch though. Everything I did or said would find its way back to my parents. And, I know I would be cussing all the time. Of course, I’ve got him there. I would be worried about when I go out or who I brought back to the apartment getting back to them. But, he’s got his dirty little secrets too that would come out. I would be willing to keep his, but I don’t know what he would do with mine.

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The end of the semester is only a couple of weeks away. And as it goes so too probably goes the guy in my history class. But, I noticed last class he sat closer to me. He even looked directly at me! Maybe there’s hope after all. Maybe destiny would have me getting an apartment with him. Maybe my dreams would come true. Maybe I would finally be with the guy in my history class. Maybe I would stop all this maybe shit.

The optimist and dreamer in me hopes that would happen, but the realist in me notes I don’t a snowball’s chance in hell of that ever happening. I hate reality! It just sucks.

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Today’s a depressing, overcast, warm, muggy day. It’s not your typical late November day. Lately, it gets cold for a few days then we have a week or longer warm streak. I’m ready for it to just get cold and stay cold. I love cold weather, and we haven’t really had any yet… at least not consistently. It appears my wishes may be fulfilled later this week.

Anyway, I hope you have a great, warm or cold – whichever you prefer – day. I’ll probably have something new (or recycled) Thursday if not tomorrow. See ya then!