Still Here

Hey everybody! I'm still here!! =) Thanks for all the emails and comments checking on me! Just been busy with life lately and not feeling like blogging when I have a break. A lot has happened over the last month... nothing particularly bad mind you, just a lot. I'm still with the bf! Still love him to death!!! He's at work now (and I finally had a day off to go home - that's a whole 'nother story though), but I've been staying with him almost every night this past month... everyone's been cool with it too... everyone... or at least it seems that way.

But yes, I'm fine and everything seems to be going very good... let's just hope it stays that way! ;)

Looking In The Rearview Mirror and Peering Into The Crystal Ball

My my, how much my life has changed in the past two months! Yesterday marked the bf and I’s two month anniversary. We did hit our first little bump in the road earlier this week (the deal with my parents has been a crater… the road still runs through it though!), but that’s been resolved and everything’s going great! Stayed the night with him last night and we had an absolute ball!!

Just two short months ago, my world was dull, boring, uneventful, and severely lacking in the love department. I barely even had a reason to get up in the morning. My life consisted of school and that was basically all. I spent most of my time dreaming of the life I wished I had. Now life is spicy!! Even though all the bullshit with my parents has stressed me out (and continues to), it’s been anything but boring and uneventful! It’s actually been a bit fun at times! hehe =) But most importantly, I’m in love!! And that person I’m in love with is the sweetest and greatest guy I think I could ever find! I no longer dream of what could be… I’m living that life I used to dream about and I am so happy!

As for the future, things are being done to pave the way for me to move out of my parents’ house and in with the bf. The surprising part is who’s doing the paving – my parents. You see, I think they’ve finally realized that it will happen eventually no matter what they do, so they proposed something to me – sell my truck, pay off my car loan with the money from the truck, and transfer the car into my name. What would this mean? Well first of all, they couldn’t hold the car over my head any longer or take it away from me if I did move out… legally, it would be all mine. But it would also mean higher insurance. At the same time though, there would no longer be any loan payments, so they sort of offset each other.

So who knows what might happen. I would love to move in with the bf though. Then, we could slow down and be freer to do what we want. As it is now, it feels like we have to cram things into the short time we have together (even though it’s gotten to the point where I’m with him – or at least at his place – about as much as I’m at home) and put off certain things because “you have to go home tomorrow.”

Why haven’t I already moved in with him? He doesn’t want me to that’s why. But wait just a second before you start thinking bad things! There is a reason… and a good reason. He doesn’t want me to move in until things have been smoothed over with my parents. We had a long, heartfelt talk about this last Saturday. That may sound harsh or insensitive to some, but it showed me just how much he loves me and cares about me, my future and our future. I had never really thought of it this way, but he said moving in with him at this point would only be running from the problem, not solving it. That it needs to be dealt with so it doesn’t come up later – most likely even worst than it is now – and cause problems for the both of us. Very true and very good advice. The conversation we had was actually extremely sweet and seem to come straight from his heart. He did say though that if they kicked me out for whatever reason in the meantime I would always have a place with him. The good part of all of this – my parents have made leaps and bounds in just the last few weeks. They’ve stopped trying to break us up… they even admitted for the first time that the bf and I were dating!! =)

Quick Notes

- Last Sunday marked one month since I met my baby! We weren’t able to be together but we talked a lot on the phone... definitely not as good as being there with him but better than nothing. I’ve had so much fun with him over the past month... just being around him or hearing his voice brightens my day. Yes, I think I’ve fallen in love!! It kills me that we can’t be together as much as we want, but right now it’s just not possible due to so many things… that problem may be solved later this month though and it can’t be solved soon enough!!

- The parents are slowly making progress. They’ve gotten to the point where I can go visit the bf without having to make up some elaborate plan. My dad actually seems to be further along than my mom. I get a lecture from her every time I go, but my dad just wants to know when I’ll be home and that’s usually it. Both seem to have taken a sort of I-don’t-care-anymore attitude with me which – to be completely honest – doesn’t bother me in the least bit. Hopefully, I will be able to move in with the bf this month… and they’ll be left all alone after having a full house for over 20 years. What will they do?

Yes, all of this has driven a wedge in our relationship. All of the bullshit they’ve dumped on me and continue to do so (albeit in smaller amounts now) has done nothing but push me farther away and actually cause me to despise them at times. There’s still bucket loads of tension among us especially since my brother has completely moved out and I’m the only other human interaction available around the house most of the time. ‘It’ is never talked about until I go visit my baby and is never discussed after I get back home either. Oh well.

- Today was my last day of class!! Finals are next week. Another semester down! I’m almost half way through now and I’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel… it sho as hell lookin’ good too!

- And finally – when you’re out driving, be sure to look out for motorcycles too!

Fast Forward

Let me address some questions and concerns of yours first:

The brother – yes, he was told by mom the following day. My mom said she asked if he was gay and he once again denied it. He hasn’t said anything about it to me but then again he hasn’t said much of anything to me in the short time we’ve actually been together. The bf and I have decided he is still in denial! =) He’s moving in with one of his “friends” from his job next week. I have yet to meet his boyfriend his roommate and when I asked when I would be able to see his new place and meet this guy, he snapped back with some smart-ass remark… he knows I’ll see the connection between them! And luckily, it seems he nabbed all the crabbiness genes before I came along… too bad! =’(

The bf – I think the reaction he had came from him being afraid he may lose me so soon because the news I told him that morning left our future as a huge question mark… I think we were both panicking at the time… I know I was. He has been there for me through all of this since then though… the only shoulder I’ve had to lean on. He’s been just about the only thing that’s put a smile on my face the last few days. Hell, I would be in an asylum if it weren’t for him!

Moving along, everything seems to be going at warp speed! Thursday marked three weeks since the bf and I met in person and the L word’s been thrown all over the place and he’s making plans for me to move in with him next month. He’s already making plans for what we’ll do when I graduate from college… and that’s over two years away!!

Not that there’s anything wrong with this – I do love him and he does seem to genuinely love me – but it seems to be all happening too quickly. Even though I’ve never been in a relationship before this, I have watched many others and most that went so quick like this only seemed to crash and burn. I don’t want to get into this and have it blow up in my face. I hope it works out though! I know it can!

I wouldn’t be planning on moving in with him now if it weren’t for the fact that my parents are still being assholes about all of this… of course it’s only been a little over a week but we’ve already tied up once. I mean, raised voices, threatening to leave… it got pretty good! =) It all came about because my dad said I couldn’t go see the bf. You’re probably think ‘so what? you’re 20, you can do what you want.’ Yes but every vehicle I have keys to is in my dad’s name (none are in mine) and he’s told me he will call the cops on me if I run off – vehicle theft – and I don’t think it’s safe for the bf to come around to pick me up. Sad, isn’t it?

I’m so afraid that all of this bullshit will run the bf off, but he’s still here with him! He doesn’t like the fact that we don’t get to see each other very much – I don’t either – but I think he realizes that I’m trying to make this work with my parents and that at the same time they’re trying to destroy our relationship. Like he said today, my parents clearly don’t realize that all of this time apart only makes us want each other even more… and I missed him so much today!!! I just wanted to see his face!! At least we can still talk on the phone and I got to hear his voice! He had to upgrade his minutes because we’ve been talking so much!! Hehe! Sorry baby! =)

And The Dust Settles

So it was late Wednesday night … about 10:30. I got this burning in my gut that now was the time. I started in my room and slowly made my way to my parents’ room. I mean slowly as in it took me over 30 minutes to get there… normally it’s done within about 15 seconds. I stood just outside their bedroom door as snores rang out in their room… yes, they were asleep. I woke them up to tell them. Crazy? Just a little. ;)

I knocked on the open door to wake them up. They didn’t know what the fuck was going on. I walked over to the dresser near the foot of their bed and leaned against it to face them as they fiddled around turning the light on. There was no turning back now.

The words came out so easily. It was strange. Their initial reaction was of course shock… I did just wake them up to drop a bombshell on them. Then the floodgates opened. I told them about the bf and the lies I had used to cover up what I was doing. That he was 30. That we met on the internet. Everything came out… and it felt great but horrible all at the same time.

The “what you’re doing is wrong” shit followed and continued almost nonstop until my mom busted out with a prayer and I told them I was going to bed. No one slept much that night.

I was instructed to called the bf the next morning and tell him that we could have no contact for at least a week. What did I do? I called him on my way to class Thursday morning and told him. I also told him that wasn’t going to happen. We’ve talked at least once everyday since we met… that wasn’t about to stop. But the bf said that if we weren’t going to be about to see each other for a long time that it’s basically over. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. He said he was willing to wait maybe a month but he couldn’t wait forever. I hung up the phone and cried the rest of the way to class.

Thursday evening brought about a long, thick black mark at our driveway. That always makes me feel better! It’s still there too even after a large rain last night! =) Oh yeah and there was a lot of talking… too much talking for me but it seemed to help them. I was sick of talking about it, hearing about it, thinking about it!! My parents wanted me to change and couldn’t understand that I didn’t want to change and probably couldn’t even if I wanted to. They used several bully tactics to try and persuade me to change – take away the car (which I’m paying for), cell phone (which I’m paying for), computer, etc. Nothing was off limits from their “we’ll take it away” scheme. But, it didn’t work. I wasn’t about to leave the bf just because they wanted me to and thought it was all wrong.

They called the preacher to come down and meet with us. In my mind, I was rolling my eyes. Luckily, our preacher isn’t of the beat-you-over-the-head-with-a-Bible variety. He was actually really good about it. Then my parents suggested that just the preacher and I meet. Ok?! They decided to prance off to my grandparents to tell them about me (they’ve been telling almost everyone they meet I think) while the preacher and I talked at our house. I know what they were wanting to happen – the preacher lay it on me hard and make me want to change. That ain’t what happened. To show how cool our preacher can be, he simply asked if there was anything I wanted to tell him that I didn’t feel comfortable saying around my parents and that it would just stay between us. How cool is that? We talked for a short while then he said that he really admired me for having the courage to do this. I was sort of nervous about how it would all go down with the preacher coming to meet with us, but it turned out much better than I expected.

Once the preacher left, I was all alone. Call the bf!! We talked about it all until I thought I heard my parents pulling into the driveway. It wasn’t actually them but they did come home shortly after. The rest of the night was quiet… halleluiah!

Friday was a tense day. It was just my dad and I at home until about 4 in the evening when my mom got in from work. Not much was said during the day. Then, all hell broke loose. My mom was crying. My dad was bitching about everything and making smart-ass remarks. And I was about to punch somebody. My dad told me that he almost shot me that morning. Yes, like with a gun. That scared the living shit of out me! He said he thought about shooting me in the ass to make me slowly die then shooting himself. When I was fixing my breakfast Friday morning, I heard a gun click but for some reason I thought nothing of it. Before I walked into the living room where he had been sitting, he went to his bedroom and put the gun up. He said me loved me and my mom too much to do that.

I. Was. Speechless.

Everyone else got up and left the room. I just sat there for a second. So I came that close to getting shot… by my own father? I got up and headed out to the steps on our back porch. This is always my place to think. My mom came out after a few minutes and sat in one of the chairs on the porch. I didn’t even look at her. She started crying more and in a child-like whining voice pleading with me to change… the same old, same old. I was at the edge of my breaking point. I almost lost it (as in rage), but I kept myself together and didn’t make a move. She left after a while, seeing that it was a losing battle.

I went back inside and fell into the recliner in front of the TV. The History Channel was on – my baby’s favorite channel. Slowly, my parents filed into the room. Things had changed. My dad had cracked. The near shooting and being able to tell me about it clearly changed something in him. He was different. He was making jokes about me having sex with the bf!! He asked me to forgive him for even thinking about shooting me. It scared me to hear him tell me about it, but I do forgive him. My mom quickly came around too seeing that my dad had warmed up to it somewhat. The tension disappeared. Suddenly, it was like things were back to normal. We were laughing again. We were smiling again. We were a family again. My dad even said that I could probably use my car to go see the bf if I promised not to lie about where I was going. What’s there to lie about now??

Things are looking up. I know this has been so hard on them. I’ve apologized to them countless times for how much heartache I’ve caused them (I don’t know if they noticed or not but I never apologized for being gay… nothing to apologize for). Things are winding down though. A lot has happened in the last few days. My head is still spinning! But the storms has passed. Today almost nothing was said about it, but the bf did call me when my parents were home. Usually he texts me to see if I can talk or I don’t answer and call him back when I can. I just answered it this time and headed outside to talk. They knew who it was but never asked about it. Little bits of progress…

PS: I’m sorry for not checking anyone’s blogs for the last three weeks or so. There’s really no excuse, I just haven’t taken the time.

Color Me Impressed

So what I was originally going to post about yesterday (aside from the scaredy-cat post) before having sex on the first call was my visit with the cousin. It was short – I never get to just hang out with him like we used to – but we had enough time to talk. I never flat-out asked him about dropping out, but it appears he’s now determined to finish high school. Plus, he’s been making plans to attend votech after graduating! I was very glad to hear that!! He can do it if he can keep himself motivated, that’s the only problem I see him having. Of course with him having a kid and having to pay child support now, I think he’s finally seeing he’s got to do something with his life.

Aside from school, we talked about his baby’s momma. They’ve officially broken up after being together off-and-on for five years I think. I felt sorry for him but wanted to pat him on the back and congratulate him all at the same time when he told me that. I still remember the first day he told me about her… he was in the seventh grade, I was in the ninth. I don’t mean to be the one that says I told you so, but I warned him about her that day. He may not remember it but I do, like yesterday. He got a little pissy about it then so I kept my mouth shut about her after that. Now he’s having problems with her and her new married cop boyfriend who’s threatened to give the cousin a ticket should they ever meet on the road (a simple phone recording could probably get his ass fired over that). The cousin is taking all of this extremely well and seems to be concerned about the most important thing in all of this – the kid. He asked me several times what I would do if I was in his situation and I had to just tell him I don’t know. I’ve never been in anything even remotely like the situation he’s in so I don’t know what I would do. I wish I could have helped guide him more but I’m afraid I would be guiding him in the wrong direction.

Then, as always, we talked about cars. He can talk big and sound like he knows what he’s talking about but he’s completely clueless. And he’s thinking about being a mechanic!! Honey, do I need to give you some schoolin’? Just name the time hun and I’ll see what I can do. He still wants a GTO too! He couldn’t believe that I had test-driven one before! I’ve got way more constraint behind the wheel than he does though and I’d end up killing myself if I had one of those… he sure doesn’t need one!

I’m very impressed with the cousin! He’s grown up a lot since his daughter was born and he’s finally starting to step up and take responsibility for his own actions. I’m extremely happy to see that he’s already made plans for the future after high school. The thing that makes me the happiest though is seeing how much he cares about his daughter. I don’t tell him this enough but I’m very proud of him for that!

My I-Can't-Think-Of-A-Good-Title Day

Thanks so much for the birthday wishes!! You are all so amazing!!

Today was great even if I did spend most of it alone. My mom had made one of her delicious cakes last night so the cake and I needed some time together anyway! As has been the tradition, I stayed home for my b-day to spend it with my family but I got a few calls from friends and some messages on Facebook wishing me a happy birthday.

I awoke this morning to post-it notes scattered all over the house (even in the refrigerator!). All were the work of my mom. So that’s where I get it from! The best one?


I couldn’t help but fall out laughing when I read it! Me and my mishap with the stump has become a running joke among my family! It even turned into smack-talking in the days after it happened as I would hobble through the house. My dad started laughing at me and saying he could jump the stump without falling which led to – what else? – a little challenge… he was going to have to back up his talk! He wanted me to go first to show how I did it but at the time I was still sore and limping from the fall just two days earlier so I couldn’t (otherwise I would have). One jump even with a much slower approach and he fell. He didn’t plow into the ground like I did... he was smart and rolled after falling (he didn't have the momentum I had though), but I didn’t hear any lip from him about it after that! And who got the last laugh? Well me of course!! Ha!

Even though I insisted that no one get me anything, my parents still did. They got me some stuff to clean my car. Is that some kind of hint? Yeah, it is filthy.

Right after presenting me with my gift, my mom said she had something else for me that “we would have to work on.” She kept talking but I interrupted her to ask if that was going to be washing my car for me so they could try out the stuff they got for me. She stopped talking, struck her pose, looked at me, put a hand on her hip, and said bluntly “no, who do you think we are?”

It was some money. She said I could pay someone to wash my car for me.

You Can Hammer My Nail

Sunny, barely a cloud in the sky, with a nice cool breeze… the perfect spring day!

Honey, I got roasted today! I needed it though… I’m still all white and pasty from winter.

I had to help my dad rebuild our car shed. I would have tried to get out of it somehow, but being that my car (out of the five others) gets the privilege of parking under said car shed, I couldn’t easily weasel my way out. Besides, the rebuilt car shed increases the width of my spot by 6”… and these 6” are very welcomed! (Hehe! you know what I’m thinking!!) I’m not sure how I nailed that spot – my brother never got it – but I’ve had it since I’ve had a set of wheels. Charm? Luck? The favorite?!

That had me out at 10 this morning (had to catch up on my sleep first) all the way until about 5 this evening doing various things ranging from fetching tools to holding boards to pecking at nails with a hammer. Speaking of hammering, well, it’s just sad. I’m ambidextrous which totally blows my mind when I pick up a hammer. Which hand??? It doesn’t feel right in either of them!! I usually end up constantly swapping hands… but that’s neat… I’m just talented like that! Well, maybe not! The little bit of coordination I have vanishes when I hold a hammer. No matter what hand it's in I still can’t hit the damn nail! And all the while, my dad’s over there going crazy with a hammer… I’m still sitting there missing the nail over half the time. Eventually, he’ll feel sorry for his coordination-challenged son (or just get frustrated) and assign me a different, simpler task like figuring out what how much needs to be cut off a board or getting something level… I can handle that. I try though, I really do.

And hey, I finally got to put my hideous carpenter jeans to good use!! I hate those jeans – they make me look fat – but today I slid a hammer into the little loop my left pants leg. I felt so masculine!! Even though I couldn’t actually do much with the hammer, it still made me feel all tingly inside to have the handle banging against my leg as I walked (or was that something else?)! I think I may start to wear them more often… accessorized, of course, with some cute but manly hammer… ya know, in case I need it sometime! ;)

I’m just more of a wrench guy than a hammer guy though. Any idiot can use a wrench but only the skilled can use a hammer… and I don’t fall into that category.

Midterms! Midterms!! MIDTERMS!!!

Phew!!!

I finally got through all of my tough mid-terms!! And I couldn’t be happier to have them behind me! For the last two days I’ve been studying and stressing over these tests… oh and bitching about them to anyone unfortunate enough to be within earshot of me. I had my ass whipped into form after getting my chemistry midterm back – 77%! I screwed up by thinking I knew the shit and not studying enough for it. It’s not all that bad, but I can’t let it happen again – I’ve got scholarships I’ve got to maintain. So I studied my ass off for the midterms I took today!

I have horrible study habits. I’ve never been one to study much anyway… it usually just clicks with me at some point and I don’t need to study. When I do study though, I get to a point where I can’t any longer and that’s usually a sign that I’m ready. And oh I was ready for those bad boys today! I think I kicked ass on them!! I’ve got one more tomorrow but it should be quick and easy then I’m done with all of it – everything – until the 26th!! Yep, spring break baby!!! And ain’t I just lucky… guess what falls within the confines of spring break!! =)

So what will I be doing during spring break? Not much. I’ve told a few friends I’d help them move into their new house, so I’ll help if they need me… or I may just barge up there anyway to check out their new place. Today, T hinted to me about going to see 300 sometime this weekend or next week. She just broke up with her boyfriend… she made sure I knew that! Honey, don’t be getting any ideas! I could play boyfriend for awhile if she wants to appear resilient but I hope she doesn’t expect anything else. The most exciting thing I may do is go to the dealership where I bought my car for them to check out and fix a few things and have them treat me like a clueless fucking idiot. I always enjoy that!!

And with classes out next week, I may finally have time to do some real boy hunting! I’ve already thought up a few excuses for going out with someone, being out really late or staying overnight at a guy’s house. They may not work when the time comes, but I’ll at least have given it a fighting chance. If all else fails, the truth would just have to come out, but that’s assuming something actually happens first… if I can get over my fears.

Now for a few updates:

My cousin – no clue… haven’t talked to him or heard anything. I’m a bad cousin, aren’t I? I’ve been busy though.

My brother – he brought his boyfriend down to show off to my mom. I didn’t get to see him… my brother thinks I might steal him away, that’s it!! Well, I don’t think they’re actually dating – I no longer even think my brother is gay – but it’s fun to play like they are! And who knows, they may actually be dating… if so, you go gurl!! I’ve seen pictures and he is cute! Good catch! And if my bro doesn’t want him, I’ll take him!!

The weather – spring is here already as is that wonderful layer of yellow that coats everything outside. The wind blows and it looks like a dust storm, a yellow dust storm, a puffy-eyes, runny-nose, yellow dust storm… it’s not good. But I noticed this week that the campus is coming back to life after hibernating all winter. It feels more refreshing and upbeat to walk around campus now that all the flowers are popping back out. And it won’t be long before the crepe myrtles will be blooming again.

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And last (but most definitely not least) if you haven't heard already, our beloved Spider has been admitted to the hospital. Please go check out the details on his blog and wish him well while you're there. Spider, I'm wishing ya the best!!

Served

I called my aunt yesterday to set up a time for me to get my hair cut (she owns a hair salon). I wasn’t going to ask her about my cousin then because I knew she had customers in there at that time of the day and couldn’t talk about it. Luckily though, she got me in last night as her last appointment! Sounded to me like she just wanted to talk and was willing to stay late to do so!

To give you a little bit of background on the whole situation, my aunt is not my cousin’s actual mom… and you would know it to be around my cousin. He doesn’t treat her bad so much as he just ignores her and snaps off to her any chance he gets. My aunt doesn’t come out sparkling either. She doesn’t know how to handle my cousin since he’s so different from her own kids, so she just lets him be most of the time… lets his dad handle him. His dad is basically all talk and my cousin knows that. It goes much deeper but that’s the jist of it.

So during my hair cut (which reached into an entire hour), my aunt didn’t say much about my cousin. Usually, she would talk my head off, but last night she was oddly quiet most of the time. She did tell me that they were served papers yesterday to go to court over the amount of absences my cousin has racked up. She seems convinced it would be best for him to go ahead and drop out and get a job to help support his baby girl (almost a year old I think). I find myself agreeing with her after what all she told me, but we’ll have to see what unfolds after the court date.

My cousin was gone yesterday so I wasn’t able to talk to him, and today I’ve been studying for my chemistry mid-term I have tomorrow (midterm already – doesn’t seem like it!). Though I don’t think talking to him would help much now that he’s gotten himself tangled up in the legal system, I may pay him a visit this weekend.

As my aunt said, “hun if he was mine, I would have spanked his ass and taken his little truck away.” If he was mine, I would have whooped his ass, sold his truck, and watched every morning as he stepped onto the school bus. His ass would go to school and I would make damn sure he stayed all day too! Pissed off or not, he would be at school and he would just have to like it. We all do things we don’t particularly like, but we just have to tough it out. He could learn a thing or two about that.

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As for me, I did actually fall. It hurts like crazy too! My entire body hurts… still! What does a broken rib feel like? I landed hard on my right side and my ribs are hurting pretty bad on that side.

This Just In

Recent news reports out of Louisiana indicate that SlyD, widely considered to be the frontrunner for the stump-jumping event in the Redneck Olympics, has suffered a fall while training for the upcoming contest. Those present at the scene when the incident occurred report that D seemed to have hit the top of the stump wrong which messed up his landing. D is said to have stumbled over his own feet upon landing and skidded to a stop on the ground after falling. Scraps and scratches were visible on D’s arms and knees and some present report seeing D rubbing the right side of his hip. After getting up from his fall, D was said to have limped away but returned shortly after to continue his training even with an obvious limp. It’s unclear at this time whether or not this will affect D’s performance at the Redneck Olympics this summer.

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Now for the serious part, I received word today that my cousin has been skipping school and is considering dropping out. He’s been sly with it too (does that run in the family?) as he drives his truck to school then somehow leaves campus with his truck still there. Huh. Not sly enough since he got caught…

He’s a senior in high school too… yes, two months left and he wants to drop out! Something has to be going on to have caused this sudden change. The last time I talk with him at Christmas everything seemed to be going fine. I’m thinking someone’s threatening him or he’s failing and afraid of having to repeat the 12th grade.

I’m going to call my aunt tomorrow to see if she thinks me talking to him would help. He always confided in me when I was in high school and saw him everyday. He treated me like a big brother. He trusted me not to tell anyone what he tells me and I’ve kept my end of the deal. I’m hoping that will help and he’ll listen to me better than he does his parents.

Skip-Bo

Not much has happened lately, not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Mostly it’s been school, school, and a little bit more school. Very exciting stuff.

So there’s nothing really to report, but it’s been Wednesday since I posted anything. It feels strange to have gone that long without any post action. Gotta get me some or I’ll go crazy!

About the only thing outside of school work I’ve done is going to my grandparents (on my dad’s side) last night to play cards, namely Skip-Bo. My whole family went. If it weren’t for my grandparents and their obsession with card games, I would not be the card shuffling whore I am today. And I’m sure that would be a bad thing.

We played partner Skip-Bo like we always do. My grandma and I were one team, my grandpa and brother were another team, and finally my mom and dad were a team. The reigning champs are my grandma and I. We’re a force to be reconned with in Skip-Bo! We’ve won more games than the other two teams combined. We’re just that good and we never let them forget it! =)

My grandma’s good about playing off our piles and I’ve become known as the cut-throat player. Give me any chance to cut someone else’s play off and I’ll take it. Be aggressive! B-E aggressive!! With our special skills combined, we’re obviously a powerful team.

But even with all of our tactics, we got beat last night. We played four rounds. The first three had each team winning once and we just couldn’t stop playing without determining a winner! That just wouldn’t be right! Round four was a tense battle, but my mom and dad flew under the radar to win. There’s always next time!

And despite my best efforts, I couldn’t convince any of them to play Rook! The last time I played was in July and I’m losing my touch here! Come on!!

Anyone up for a few good hands of Rook sometime?

What They Didn’t Say

I’ve been so focused lately on what my parents did say that I completely ignored what they did not say.

I never thought about it until a little while ago when I was in the shower (aka the Great Thoughts Generator). Yea, my parents asked my bro if he was gay but that was it! Nothing came after that. No ‘because if you are, we’ll kick you out.’ No ‘we’ll disown you.’ Nothing! NOTHING!!!

Plus when my mom popped the question to my bro, it seemed to be an afterthought even with her condescending tone. It was like she was telling my bro what my dad had said and then just tacked on a ‘oh, you’re not, are you?’ at the end.

Maybe I’m overanalyzing this again – I have a tendency to do that with things – but this could be just as monumental as my mom’s silence a few weeks back. Laying the foundation for things to come, I guess.

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My classes are going along good so far. I have my first test in accounting tomorrow! Not sure how it will go!

The Gay-Straight Alliance meeting on campus is next week! I’m prepping my friends for my absence during common hour that day so they won’t suspect anything. I feel so bad doing that though! I’ve ditched them once to hang out in the library (unfortunately not with tgimhc) and I’m going to do it again tomorrow to study for accounting. They never call to check on me when I don’t show up during common hour… I always call them if they don’t show. Maybe that says something about our friendship. Of course, I am hiding something from them so who am I to be questioning all that? We do all have our secrets though.

The Ongoing ‘Gay Brother’ Saga

And so it continues…

Friday night, everybody was gathered in the kitchen after my mom and dad had returned from their weekly grocery shopping. My mom, my brother, and me were joking around about something my mom had said early when my dad suddenly erupts on my brother with his “you’re gay” crap.

Now up until this point, all that my brother had heard about this had been translated through my mom. When my dad opened his mouth, my brother shot me that brother look that we use so frequently. It kind of scared me. Does he know about me? He does. I’m almost 100% sure that he does.

I leaned against the sink smiling slightly as I watched my dad assault him with a barrage of questions and accusations. I watched my brother closely. He stayed calm and cool this time, never flinched or showed any sign of discomfort. Maybe he is telling the truth here (he probably is). Or maybe he’s just gotten really good at it. But it’s always been me who has had the gay questions… he shouldn’t be that good!

Toward the end of my dad’s badgering, my dad said something to the effect of “you better watch that guy… he can get you. He can turn you.” Ah, ignorance! Again, I thought to myself “what the fuck?” That’s a very common thought by the way.

The gay accusations dissolved into my dad determining that my brother will be addicted to gambling – my brother and his co-worker went to the casino that night – and lose every bit of his money on it. This then led into talking about people from our church that he had heard had won like $10,000 at the casino and him passing judgment on them for doing that. Hypocrite. It’s almost laughable how absurd some of the shit my dad says is. Just seconds after saying all of that, he talks about some woman at church that he’s in love with. In fact, most of his conversations throughout the day are centered around this woman. Keep in mind that he’s married! I don’t know how my mom has put up with it. If I was her, I would have divorce his ass years ago. Sometimes, I wonder if they have come close to divorce over this but kept it together just for us.

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I was originally going add more to this, but an optical migraine suddenly hit me tonight. You know, the type where some of your vision just goes. I can’t see parts of the left side of the screen right now! So that’s all for now. What is here was typed earlier today before the migraine. Maybe more tomorrow. Or later tonight if at least the vision part of the migraine goes away.

Eerie Silence

It’s been very quiet around the house lately… too quiet. The calm before the storm?

It’s an uncomfortable quiet, thick with tension. My parents aren’t saying much and neither am I. It’s just strange. Something’s going on here… I just can’t figure it out.

In other news, my dad is convinced my brother is gay. I wanted to tell him he’s got the wrong son! Well, I guess… I’ve had my suspicions about my brother. Double whammy for my parents if we’re both gay!

By the way, did anybody see the gay twins on Tyra last night? Hot! I was just about to turn the TV off and go to bed when her show came on. The show was about coming out in case you didn’t see it. I watched the part about the twins which included showing them coming out to their parents. It seemed too easy, but there were cameras there at the time. That can change everything. It was a really short part – I was a little disappointed – and I stopped watching after that.

Getting back to my brother, it all started when he went out this past weekend for a night on the town with one of the guys he’s now working with. Not a big deal, right? Well, not to my dad!

After being proved wrong that my brother would come home drunk and/or stoned, I guess my dad had to resort to accusing my brother of being gay. Of course, what should we expect from him? He’s always been so negative about everything. If I’m ever in a good mood, it’s best to avoid my dad as much as possible. It’s almost like he wants us to be a failure. He even told me flat out to my face in high school that when I go to college I’ll get into drugs, sex, and alcohol and eventually just drop out. I almost want to do that just to spite him, but that would only prove him right…

And I don’t know where all that comes from. Neither my brother or me have ever been in any kind of serious trouble. My parents have had it easy with us! Maybe my dad thinks we’ve been too good. Of course, I’ve always been the more troublesome of their two children. I talked back. I was a real bitch at times. I lied all the time. I used to steal some of my brothers things. I ran through the house and knocked things over. And I got whoopins almost everyday of the week when I was little too!

Anyway since my brother’s night out and me filling him in on some of what my dad had said while he was gone, me and him have had a running joke about him getting drunk. Monday evening, my mom, my brother and me all happened to be home at the same time. I joked about my brother getting drunk, and then my mom dropped the ball. She told my brother about my dad thinking he was gay (I wasn’t about to tell him). It was weird. While she talked about what my dad had said, she used the word “gay.” When she asked my brother if he was gay, she used the word “queer” and said it in a condescending way. What the fuck?

I don’t like that word, queer. I never have. It has too many negative connotations for me to be comfortable with it, especially with the way my mom said it. I think I would rather be called a fag than a queer.

He denied it. But so have I. In fact, I think I’m long overdue for the question. It’s been a few years. They’re slacking! My brother, like I always did, seemed very uncomfortable and quickly changed the subject. Like usual, I suddenly fell out of the conversation when the topic arose. After having previously added a comment to everything each of them had said, I wonder if she noticed my silence. The entire conversation ended shortly after as both my brother and I walked away almost at the same time. For us to be so different, we seem to have so many things in common… maybe even some things in common that we just won’t admit.

My mom has always said she wished she could have had a girl. Would two queens be sufficient?

Reflections: 2006 – Figuring Out The Mayhem

NOTE: The following post contains a lot of rambling and reminiscing. You have been warned!

Two thousand and six – I entered it expecting it to be the typical year consisting of college, college and a bit more college. Boring. Mundane. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I have to be honest with you – I don’t remember much about the first part of ’06. It all just blurs together into two big sets – MWF and TR. Drive to class. Sit in class. Drive home. Eat. Sleep. Rewind, repeat. Nothing really exciting happened in the first part of the year. And that’s how I expected the rest of the year to play out as well. Not so.

The only thing I really remember from the first part of the year was my sociology class. I was in it with two girls I had gotten to know really well my first semester in college and had several classes with in the spring. The class started out great – great professor, simple notes, easy tests. Then, the professor’s husband lost his job and she had to quit to get a better paying full-time job. For about a week, we didn’t actually have a professor for the class. Random professors came in to fill in while the university searched for a new professor. Well, I think they just picked the first guy off the street who would actually agree to “teach” a class of college students entry-level, general requirement sociology. He was an ass! Mean, rude, confusing! No one’s opinion was right if it didn’t fall in line with his. He incited arguments in class almost every time we met and would then start cussing at everyone when he got pissed off because everyone was proving him wrong. And when people would start leaving class because of all this, he would explode and eventually just tell everyone to leave. The two girls and I hated him! We had some fun times talking shit about him before and after class though! Come the end of the semester and the professor evaluations came out, he tried to be all nice, but it was too late. I know the three of us and several others gave him terrible reviews. I haven’t seen him around campus since.

Oh yeah, I did get my truck stuck at my old high school in February after N talked me into going to the their last home basketball game of the year. Embarrassing! I had to basically park in a ditch because the school’s tiny parking lot was full. The dew fell during the game and all my truck wanted to do was spin the tires! I wanted to just crawl under the seat and hide!

Also, in February – the same day I got my truck stuck in fact – my grandmother fell and broke her hip. My dad and I had to carry her out to the car in a chair then my mom drove her to the local hospital. That was the last time she ever saw her house. She was in the hospital for about a week then moved to a rehab center not far from where we lived. She had Alzheimer's and never recovered from the broken hip. She was confined to a wheelchair. She had been living at home upon until she fell. The Alzheimer's wasn’t bad enough to require someone to stay with her or for her to go into the nursing home. But now that she was in a wheelchair and the Alzheimer's was rapidly worsening, there was no way she could go home. My mom couldn’t quit her job to care for her and her son… well, he didn’t do much of anything for her. It’s sad. So, my mom had to put her in the nursing home.

You’re probably wondering why I still went to the game even after that happened. Even though I insisted that I could go with my mom and grandmother to the hospital, my mom told me to go to the game – there was nothing I could really do that I hadn’t already done. So after much thinking, I went to the game, knowing my grandmother wouldn’t want me to not go just because of her. That day just was not a good day.

I ended the spring ’06 semester with three A’s and two B’s (Chemistry and English). Pretty good but I could have done better had I put more effort into it. I had planned to take classes in the summer, but the day payments were due I dropped all my classes. I needed some time off.

And I got my time off. I did nothing all summer long. Looking back, I kick myself for not doing something, anything. I think I gained about ten pounds that summer (come fall, I would drop those pounds plus about ten more to get to a weight I haven’t seen since early junior high).

Though early in the summer, my dad and I did install headers and dual exhaust on my truck. I lost a bit of my hearing then too. Word of advice: don’t sit in a truck with a V8 with open headers and rev the engine up to a steady rpm! It’s loud, really loud! And it will hurt your ears… permanently. And as usual, nothing went on easy. We had to cut some of the pipes in the just-bolt-it-up-and-you’re-done kit to make them fit. It sounds great now though… it should for all the shit we went through to get them (FedEx sucks) and put them on!

I took a few trips in the summer as well. My parents and I took a short trip to Hot Springs, Arkansas. It’s a nice little town but kind of strange in a way. I’d like to go back some time with some friends to check out some of the shops downtown. Then, my dad, his parents, my aunt, and one of my cousins (and me of course) went to Branson, Missouri for almost a week. That was one screwed up trip! We ended up staying in a trailer house at one of the resorts along one of the lakes there (can’t remember the name) because we found out that if you wait till the last minute to find a cabin big enough for six people, you won’t find one! It was nice… a little weird staying in a trailer though. This wasn’t my first time to visit Branson. I had been twice before this trip but never actually spent much time in town. I’ve always said it’s an old peoples’ or a family with little kids’ town. We visited Silver Dollar City and Celebration City (both great, Powder Keg and Wildcat kick ass!), went to the veteran’s museum (great and very interesting) and the much-hyped Titanic museum (crowded and boring), rode the scenic railroad (boring), and of course sat in traffic along the famous “Branson Strip” (whoopee!). The real highlight of the whole trip was spending time with my grandparents and playing ROOK (!!!!) with them.

As my summer slowed and the fall ’06 semester was looming in the horizon, two things happened that have changed my life - I finally admitted to myself that I’m gay and I started this blog! You can read more about all of that here.

In the middle of October, my grandmother died. She had been wanting to die since she was put in rehab. She would tell everyone who visited her that she just wanted to die. It had gotten so bad that I couldn’t stand to even visit her. It was just too hard to hear her saying she wanted to die and asking me if I thought she should go ahead and die. Eventually, she was put on anti-depressants and the death wishing stopped. She had also said she wanted to die before she got to the point that her sister got to. Her sister had Alzheimer's as well and got very far into it before she ultimately died from breast cancer that had resurfaced after years of being dormant. She was to the stage where she was completely dependant on someone else and didn’t recognize anyone and only dabbled. My grandmother didn’t want to get that bad. And she never did. She died still in the early stages. She could still talk and make sense most of the time, and she could still realize us. She would always get the biggest smile on her face when I walked into her room at the nursing home. My mom, who stopped by to feed her everyday, said that when I was there my grandmother’s mood was totally different – she smiled constantly and laughed more than she normally did. I regret not visiting her more often, but I can’t go back and change anything now. While I’m not happy that she died, I’m glad she never had to suffer through the later stages of Alzheimer's.

In November, I got a new car – a 2006 Pontiac Grand Prix. My old car, a Ford Focus, had been giving me some trouble with cranking, the a/c, and the CD player. Plus, the car was just built like crap. It was fun to drive, but I had serious doubts about how long it would keep running, at least all in one piece.

As for college, I had one of the most fun classes I’ve taken yet. It was a business law class and the professor was just awesome. I loved her! She knew her stuff and always had the class laughing. That was one class I wished would never end! I also changed my major from physics to marketing. During the semester, I came close to attending one of the meetings for the gay-straight alliance on campus. I should have gone, but I will this coming semester. I hear they’ve got a great group.

I closed out the fall ’06 semester with four A’s and one B. It would have been all A’s, but I couldn’t concentrate enough to study for my history final. It’s still good though.

At the end of 2006, I decided I would finally take that big step and come out to my parents, and while it didn’t actually happen in 2006, the fuse was lit. I’m still waiting for the bang.

This past year has been kind of strange. As I’m sitting here typing this, I’m not really sure what to say about 2006. It wasn’t a great year, but it wasn’t an absolutely horrible year either. I guess it was just an average year. Maybe 2007 will be a little more exciting… in a good way! =)

I want to thank everyone whose visited this site over the past few months! I especially want to thank everyone who left such great comments and sent me an email or two! You are all great and I hope you all have a great 2007!!

An Update

I know the sudden dry spell may have some worried that things didn’t go well with my parents. But don’t worry. Nothing’s happened! Absolutely nothing. I still haven’t told them.

This is harder to do than I thought it would be! Plus, my motivation has done nothing but decrease as the days roll by. Had things panned out on Tuesday as I had hoped they would, I wouldn’t still be sitting in this crumby closet.

What makes coming out even harder is that my family doesn’t talk about sex at all. Never. It’s just a topic that isn’t discussed. I don’t know why. I guess they have some view that sex is such a dirty thing that it shouldn’t be talked about. I mean, we can talk shit around the dinner table but can’t talk about sex at anytime! It doesn’t make any sense and only adds up to a very uncomfortable situation for me.

Hopefully, the right moment will come soon though. But I’m having second thoughts about the timing. Should I see if I could get my own apartment before coming out? Because there are two situations I could see happening after coming out to my parents: 1) they don’t care what I do anymore and would be glad for me get my own apartment just so they don’t have to hear me talk about being gay. 2) they would want to have their eyes on me at all times and the chance of getting an apartment becomes zero. I wish situation #1 would happen in a way. I would LOVE to have my own apartment and get out of my parents’ house (and away from their prying eyes). Plus, I might start to develop one of those things I’ve heard called a social life (?!).

It’ll all work out in the end… whenever that may be.

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I hope everyone has had a great 2006! Have a safe and happy New Years! Here’s to a kickass 2007!! =)

Caught Up In The Moment

I was so caught up in all this coming out mess that I forgot to tell you how my Christmas was! Maybe it was because of how uneventful it was?

But uneventful doesn’t always means boring.

For Christmas, my family went to my dad’s parents’ house for dinner, their entire family was supposed to be there. The food was great as always, and seeing all of my uncles and aunts and most of my cousins was fun (they’re all crazy!).

After eating, one of my cousins, J, wanted to see my new car. So we both headed out in the cold rain down to my grandparents’ old store building where I had parked my car. He looked at my car then we stood under the awning of the store building talking for five minutes with the rain still blowing in on us. Being my normal dumbass self, I forgot that I had the keys to it on my key ring (we used to “live” in the store building so I could go to school in a different parish). Unlock the door and we ended up talking for about an hour.

Now, J is one year younger than me. He’s a senior in high school this year, plus he has a two year old girl. He hasn’t had the best life either. His family’s been broken for almost his entire life, his dad has divorced and married probably four times since J was born. He’s never really had anyone supportive in his life, not many people actually took the time to sit and listen to him. In high school, he would always come to me to talk about problems in his life and what he should do about them. I would help him with what I could and regret not trying to help him even more. But it had been over two years since we had a serious talk, so we had a lot of catching up to do.

Anyway after talking, we played a few PS2 games over at his house. I kicked ass at almost everything we played! Then he showed me the correct way to play ping pong (I always suck at that game). He beat me 3 out of 4 games! He was hesitant to take me on in foosball though! He knows I’m the master of foosball and I proved – after almost three years – that I still am the master! =)

It was really fun hanging out with J on Christmas! He’s always seemed like my little brother I always wanted but never had, and he treats me like I’m his older brother (his older brother died when we were young from that death wish of a game called Russian Roulette – kids, don’t play with your life like that!).

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As for the ongoing saga of coming out to my parents, it didn’t happen today either. Today was just too great of a day to do it. For the first time in years, my family made plans for all of us – mom, dad, my older brother, and me – to watch a movie at home on my parents’ new DVD player/home theatre system. I didn’t want to disrupt this rare moment to be with my family.

The movie was Cars. None of us had ever seen it. It was great! What is it about those computer animated movies that make them so freaking awesome? But this movie almost made me CRY!! Yes, Cars almost made me cry!!! CARS!!!! Damn, I’ve gotten so emotional lately!

I mean, CARS!!

Will You Still Love Me?

Hmm… today something transpired that made me ask the question: is knocking up an underage chick out of wedlock “morally” better or worse than being gay? I know according to the Bible a sin is a sin no matter what the given action is, and since homosexuality is widely believed to be a sin (I’m not saying it is but let’s not get into that), both would be equally immoral.

Except that that’s not the case. A chick getting knocked up is nothing out of the ordinary – so common most Christians think almost nothing of it – however homosexuality doesn’t seem to be quite as common and is thus the unpardonable sin with the unquestionable punishment of an eternal vacation to hell.

As for how this came up, my mom received a call from a good friend of our family. This good friend told my mom that her son had gotten a young girl pregnant. Now, my mom has always said that this son of the good friend felt like her own son, like he was part of our family. Well, the son of the good friend said he wasn’t sure if he would be able to face my mom and others after what he had done. My mom responded that she loved me him no wonder what he had done and would continue to love him.

In a way, this comforted me. If she can love someone else’s son no matter what he did, surely she would still love her own son even if he was gay.

After she told me all this, I came so close to saying “so you would still love me too even if you knew I was gay?”. But of course, I didn’t. I’m still not ready and neither are my parents, especially my mom.

Ultimately, my fear in coming out is simply rejection, especially by my parents. My friends, I’m not so worried about. It would weed out the fake friends, and besides, you can always find new friends. You can’t find new parents. I want to believe that they will still love me and still accept me, but there’s always that little bit of doubt and uncertainty in the back of my mind.

A Little Bit Of Everything

Finals week is approaching – next week – and it looks like I’m going into it with very good standing. Most classes, I can bomb the final and still make an A. In fact, this semester may be the first (and probably last) time I get a 4.0! At the beginning, I never imagined that. My life was a wreck, and concentration was something I didn’t possess. I expected this semester to be the worst so far.

But, I picked my shit up and made my way through it. I hate what I went through, but looking back, it’s made me a better person in so many ways. I had my own little Enlightenment in my life this semester.

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My brother will be getting a new vehicle this week or next – a Jeep. How gay is that? He’s trading his V8 truck in for a V6 Jeep?! What the fuck is wrong with him?

I’m just kidding. I actually like the new Jeeps but wouldn’t really care to own one and use it as a daily driver like he will. Oh well. I’ve got my car so it doesn’t matter.

I did see a list of the gayest vehicles one time and the Jeep was on it. That I’m not kidding about. I’ve always had my suspicions anyway… =)

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Yeah, the traffic camera job... it didn’t work out. I would have had to work random shifts which would be impossible to do and go to college at the same time. So, I’ve got to look elsewhere.

I need a job soon though, so I can pay off my loan quicker (surprised I even got a loan without having a job). Plus, I seem to have developed a bad shopping habit. Just about an hour ago, I went to Target and spent almost $50… and that’s not the first time it’s happened. I guess I suddenly realized I had a little bit of money and could spend it. I need to stop before I go broke!

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It’s kind of strange and frustrating how my dad acts sometimes. Just this past Sunday, I drove my truck to church, and my parents had to ride back with me.

My dad and I went to the truck after church was over and waited for my mom to come out (she has to talk to everyone). I was in a hurry since the sermon ran late (and boring) and I had a million things to do before I went to bed.

The truck has a bench seat. My dad was sitting on the passenger side, and I was, of course, behind the wheel. My mom finally comes out, and I tell my dad to just move over on the seat so she can get in. He says no and that that wouldn’t look right. What the fuck? Homophobe. You’re afraid to sit by your own damn son because it may not “look right”? That, my friends, is sad.

This isn’t the first time this has happened either. The roles have been reversed where I was the one moving over. Despite his objections to that, I did it anyway. I don’t care what other people think, especially people I don’t know and probably never will know. Someone is not very secure with their own sexuality.

But on this occasion, it was at night and out in the country (the others were in the daytime and in the city in my dad’s truck). We met maybe two or three other vehicles on the way home. Besides, it’s not easy to see inside most vehicles you meet on the highway at night anyway.

He needs to get over himself and stopping worrying about shit like that. I wonder if he does this at work too when all the guys have to ride together in a truck. That would make it even worse if he didn’t – worrying about sitting too close to his son almost 35 years his junior rather than sitting close to horny men around his age. Which is gayer? I bet he’ll be floored when I come out unless this whole situation came about because he already knows the truth.