Still Here

Hey everybody! I'm still here!! =) Thanks for all the emails and comments checking on me! Just been busy with life lately and not feeling like blogging when I have a break. A lot has happened over the last month... nothing particularly bad mind you, just a lot. I'm still with the bf! Still love him to death!!! He's at work now (and I finally had a day off to go home - that's a whole 'nother story though), but I've been staying with him almost every night this past month... everyone's been cool with it too... everyone... or at least it seems that way.

But yes, I'm fine and everything seems to be going very good... let's just hope it stays that way! ;)

Looking In The Rearview Mirror and Peering Into The Crystal Ball

My my, how much my life has changed in the past two months! Yesterday marked the bf and I’s two month anniversary. We did hit our first little bump in the road earlier this week (the deal with my parents has been a crater… the road still runs through it though!), but that’s been resolved and everything’s going great! Stayed the night with him last night and we had an absolute ball!!

Just two short months ago, my world was dull, boring, uneventful, and severely lacking in the love department. I barely even had a reason to get up in the morning. My life consisted of school and that was basically all. I spent most of my time dreaming of the life I wished I had. Now life is spicy!! Even though all the bullshit with my parents has stressed me out (and continues to), it’s been anything but boring and uneventful! It’s actually been a bit fun at times! hehe =) But most importantly, I’m in love!! And that person I’m in love with is the sweetest and greatest guy I think I could ever find! I no longer dream of what could be… I’m living that life I used to dream about and I am so happy!

As for the future, things are being done to pave the way for me to move out of my parents’ house and in with the bf. The surprising part is who’s doing the paving – my parents. You see, I think they’ve finally realized that it will happen eventually no matter what they do, so they proposed something to me – sell my truck, pay off my car loan with the money from the truck, and transfer the car into my name. What would this mean? Well first of all, they couldn’t hold the car over my head any longer or take it away from me if I did move out… legally, it would be all mine. But it would also mean higher insurance. At the same time though, there would no longer be any loan payments, so they sort of offset each other.

So who knows what might happen. I would love to move in with the bf though. Then, we could slow down and be freer to do what we want. As it is now, it feels like we have to cram things into the short time we have together (even though it’s gotten to the point where I’m with him – or at least at his place – about as much as I’m at home) and put off certain things because “you have to go home tomorrow.”

Why haven’t I already moved in with him? He doesn’t want me to that’s why. But wait just a second before you start thinking bad things! There is a reason… and a good reason. He doesn’t want me to move in until things have been smoothed over with my parents. We had a long, heartfelt talk about this last Saturday. That may sound harsh or insensitive to some, but it showed me just how much he loves me and cares about me, my future and our future. I had never really thought of it this way, but he said moving in with him at this point would only be running from the problem, not solving it. That it needs to be dealt with so it doesn’t come up later – most likely even worst than it is now – and cause problems for the both of us. Very true and very good advice. The conversation we had was actually extremely sweet and seem to come straight from his heart. He did say though that if they kicked me out for whatever reason in the meantime I would always have a place with him. The good part of all of this – my parents have made leaps and bounds in just the last few weeks. They’ve stopped trying to break us up… they even admitted for the first time that the bf and I were dating!! =)

Tears Of Love

Lately, I’ve become very emotional. I guess that’s what love can do to you. Today, I cried. Totally unlike me. You never see me crying. The last time I remember crying was at my grandmother’s funeral back in October and I can’t even begin to remember the time before that. I’ve just never been one to cry. But that’s clearly changed. I was thinking about the bf and my eyes just started wailing up – they’re doing it now in fact – in a mixture of missing him so much and being so unbelievable happy to have him in my life. This has been happening off and on all day. Last night when we were both lying in bed, I felt a tear run out of the side of my eye. I’m not sure if this was a genuine tear or just my eyes watering from having just taken my contacts out… I don’t know… I was staring into the eyes of the man I love and wasn’t paying attention to anything else. Let’s just call it a real tear – sounds better that way doesn’t it? Besides, since when do my eyes water enough to actually form a tear after taking my contacts out? Yeah, never.

With all that said, I found this poem and thought it was great – simple and elegant… and fitting. Hope you enjoy!

You

You kissed my lips and I felt a flutter in my heart,
You touched my hand and lit a spark in my body,
You stared into my eyes and saw straight into my soul,
You put your arms around me and I was finally complete.

- Laura Aguiar

Quick Notes

- Last Sunday marked one month since I met my baby! We weren’t able to be together but we talked a lot on the phone... definitely not as good as being there with him but better than nothing. I’ve had so much fun with him over the past month... just being around him or hearing his voice brightens my day. Yes, I think I’ve fallen in love!! It kills me that we can’t be together as much as we want, but right now it’s just not possible due to so many things… that problem may be solved later this month though and it can’t be solved soon enough!!

- The parents are slowly making progress. They’ve gotten to the point where I can go visit the bf without having to make up some elaborate plan. My dad actually seems to be further along than my mom. I get a lecture from her every time I go, but my dad just wants to know when I’ll be home and that’s usually it. Both seem to have taken a sort of I-don’t-care-anymore attitude with me which – to be completely honest – doesn’t bother me in the least bit. Hopefully, I will be able to move in with the bf this month… and they’ll be left all alone after having a full house for over 20 years. What will they do?

Yes, all of this has driven a wedge in our relationship. All of the bullshit they’ve dumped on me and continue to do so (albeit in smaller amounts now) has done nothing but push me farther away and actually cause me to despise them at times. There’s still bucket loads of tension among us especially since my brother has completely moved out and I’m the only other human interaction available around the house most of the time. ‘It’ is never talked about until I go visit my baby and is never discussed after I get back home either. Oh well.

- Today was my last day of class!! Finals are next week. Another semester down! I’m almost half way through now and I’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel… it sho as hell lookin’ good too!

- And finally – when you’re out driving, be sure to look out for motorcycles too!

And The Dust Settles

So it was late Wednesday night … about 10:30. I got this burning in my gut that now was the time. I started in my room and slowly made my way to my parents’ room. I mean slowly as in it took me over 30 minutes to get there… normally it’s done within about 15 seconds. I stood just outside their bedroom door as snores rang out in their room… yes, they were asleep. I woke them up to tell them. Crazy? Just a little. ;)

I knocked on the open door to wake them up. They didn’t know what the fuck was going on. I walked over to the dresser near the foot of their bed and leaned against it to face them as they fiddled around turning the light on. There was no turning back now.

The words came out so easily. It was strange. Their initial reaction was of course shock… I did just wake them up to drop a bombshell on them. Then the floodgates opened. I told them about the bf and the lies I had used to cover up what I was doing. That he was 30. That we met on the internet. Everything came out… and it felt great but horrible all at the same time.

The “what you’re doing is wrong” shit followed and continued almost nonstop until my mom busted out with a prayer and I told them I was going to bed. No one slept much that night.

I was instructed to called the bf the next morning and tell him that we could have no contact for at least a week. What did I do? I called him on my way to class Thursday morning and told him. I also told him that wasn’t going to happen. We’ve talked at least once everyday since we met… that wasn’t about to stop. But the bf said that if we weren’t going to be about to see each other for a long time that it’s basically over. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. He said he was willing to wait maybe a month but he couldn’t wait forever. I hung up the phone and cried the rest of the way to class.

Thursday evening brought about a long, thick black mark at our driveway. That always makes me feel better! It’s still there too even after a large rain last night! =) Oh yeah and there was a lot of talking… too much talking for me but it seemed to help them. I was sick of talking about it, hearing about it, thinking about it!! My parents wanted me to change and couldn’t understand that I didn’t want to change and probably couldn’t even if I wanted to. They used several bully tactics to try and persuade me to change – take away the car (which I’m paying for), cell phone (which I’m paying for), computer, etc. Nothing was off limits from their “we’ll take it away” scheme. But, it didn’t work. I wasn’t about to leave the bf just because they wanted me to and thought it was all wrong.

They called the preacher to come down and meet with us. In my mind, I was rolling my eyes. Luckily, our preacher isn’t of the beat-you-over-the-head-with-a-Bible variety. He was actually really good about it. Then my parents suggested that just the preacher and I meet. Ok?! They decided to prance off to my grandparents to tell them about me (they’ve been telling almost everyone they meet I think) while the preacher and I talked at our house. I know what they were wanting to happen – the preacher lay it on me hard and make me want to change. That ain’t what happened. To show how cool our preacher can be, he simply asked if there was anything I wanted to tell him that I didn’t feel comfortable saying around my parents and that it would just stay between us. How cool is that? We talked for a short while then he said that he really admired me for having the courage to do this. I was sort of nervous about how it would all go down with the preacher coming to meet with us, but it turned out much better than I expected.

Once the preacher left, I was all alone. Call the bf!! We talked about it all until I thought I heard my parents pulling into the driveway. It wasn’t actually them but they did come home shortly after. The rest of the night was quiet… halleluiah!

Friday was a tense day. It was just my dad and I at home until about 4 in the evening when my mom got in from work. Not much was said during the day. Then, all hell broke loose. My mom was crying. My dad was bitching about everything and making smart-ass remarks. And I was about to punch somebody. My dad told me that he almost shot me that morning. Yes, like with a gun. That scared the living shit of out me! He said he thought about shooting me in the ass to make me slowly die then shooting himself. When I was fixing my breakfast Friday morning, I heard a gun click but for some reason I thought nothing of it. Before I walked into the living room where he had been sitting, he went to his bedroom and put the gun up. He said me loved me and my mom too much to do that.

I. Was. Speechless.

Everyone else got up and left the room. I just sat there for a second. So I came that close to getting shot… by my own father? I got up and headed out to the steps on our back porch. This is always my place to think. My mom came out after a few minutes and sat in one of the chairs on the porch. I didn’t even look at her. She started crying more and in a child-like whining voice pleading with me to change… the same old, same old. I was at the edge of my breaking point. I almost lost it (as in rage), but I kept myself together and didn’t make a move. She left after a while, seeing that it was a losing battle.

I went back inside and fell into the recliner in front of the TV. The History Channel was on – my baby’s favorite channel. Slowly, my parents filed into the room. Things had changed. My dad had cracked. The near shooting and being able to tell me about it clearly changed something in him. He was different. He was making jokes about me having sex with the bf!! He asked me to forgive him for even thinking about shooting me. It scared me to hear him tell me about it, but I do forgive him. My mom quickly came around too seeing that my dad had warmed up to it somewhat. The tension disappeared. Suddenly, it was like things were back to normal. We were laughing again. We were smiling again. We were a family again. My dad even said that I could probably use my car to go see the bf if I promised not to lie about where I was going. What’s there to lie about now??

Things are looking up. I know this has been so hard on them. I’ve apologized to them countless times for how much heartache I’ve caused them (I don’t know if they noticed or not but I never apologized for being gay… nothing to apologize for). Things are winding down though. A lot has happened in the last few days. My head is still spinning! But the storms has passed. Today almost nothing was said about it, but the bf did call me when my parents were home. Usually he texts me to see if I can talk or I don’t answer and call him back when I can. I just answered it this time and headed outside to talk. They knew who it was but never asked about it. Little bits of progress…

PS: I’m sorry for not checking anyone’s blogs for the last three weeks or so. There’s really no excuse, I just haven’t taken the time.

Herpes

I awake this morning to little bumps… blisters all over.

I have herpes.

But the blisters are on my lip and I’ve known about it my entire lifetime. I have herpes simplex. I usually get one or two cold sores a year… lucky me that I get one now. No kissing or other activities involving contact with the blisters *ahem* until it heals. I apparently inherited (or whatever) the pain in the ass (lip?) virus from my dad. Thanks dad!

It kinda freaked me out last night when I started to feel the tingle of the damn thing coming on. Had I gotten something from the bf? I was really freaked to see it this morning… easily the worst outbreak I’ve ever had. So I was nervousing all morning. I was near panicking. The bf was still asleep. No asking him about it. Then I realized that I already had the damn virus anyway and that the outbreak was merely a coincidence. After checking out what can cause them, I understand why it hit now.

Causes:
Cold – Had a cough and sore throat for a week now

Fever – Not sure but I have felt very hot lately ;)

Stress – Check!

Exposure to sun – Check!

Menstruation – Ya never know!

No apparent reason – I bet that’s it!!

After consulting with the bf, he has never had them. He wasn’t happy to hear that we’ll have to hold off on a few things for a while. I wasn’t exactly excited to be telling him that either, but I don’t want him getting them… they suck! He understands though.

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And now having a boyfriend in my life, opening the closet door is looking so tempting and actually much easier. The bf and I have talked (and joked) about it a lot in the short time we’ve been together. I have a safety net now with him and hanging with him would be so much simpler if I just told my parents. Plus, I want to show him off! I hate having to lie to them about it all. Like the bf said though, the thing my parents will probably get caught up on with us is that he’s 10 years older than me. I don’t have a problem with it (obviously) but they may. Then again, there is a six or seven year difference between my mom and dad. If age doesn’t trip them up, it’ll be that we met on the internet.

What Just Happened??

Oh. My. God.

Just minutes ago, I was having phone sex with a 30 year old guy!!!

I meet him and started chatting with him on gay.com. After chatting for awhile, he gave me his number and I called him. We started out talking about meeting up in person sometime. I told him I had never done anything before and he was cool with that. He could tell I was nervous and he was very nice about it. He was very considerate of me and my lack of experience. And just when the conversation seemed to be dying down, he bursts out with “are you hard now?”. The answer was yes, of course. This led into a long phone sex session. It was a bit awkward… hell, it was completely, unspeakably awkward! Nonetheless, we both “finished” then he asked if I was weirded out by that. Yes, a little. I told him no though. He went over our plans to meet and told me to call him whenever I was free, he wouldn’t call me since he might call at a bad time (when the parents are around). This seems to just be a fuck buddy situation, but he did ask if I was looking for action or a boyfriend. I told him either and he said that we'll just have to see what happens. I would prefer boyfriend if all goes well! =)

I was a bit hesitant to call him. Ironically, I had typed up a post earlier today talking about how I’m afraid of taking a chance and not being impulsive enough. As my thumb hovered over the ‘call’ button on my phone, I almost backed out. It hovered there for probably two minutes. But I thought about what I had said earlier. I was impulsive tonight and I’m proud of myself! We ended up talking for about 35 minutes. And don't worry, the parents are gone shopping tonight, the brother is in Texas, and I'm home alone.

By the way, the guy is hot!! If I can formulate a good enough plan, we’ll probably meet next week. Advice? Suggestions? Cautions?

Wow, this has been my dirtiest post ever! Sorry if you don't like all the sex talk... after getting off the phone and running around the house constantly screaming "OH MY GOD!!!", I said I just have to post this on my blog!!

My I-Can't-Think-Of-A-Good-Title Day

Thanks so much for the birthday wishes!! You are all so amazing!!

Today was great even if I did spend most of it alone. My mom had made one of her delicious cakes last night so the cake and I needed some time together anyway! As has been the tradition, I stayed home for my b-day to spend it with my family but I got a few calls from friends and some messages on Facebook wishing me a happy birthday.

I awoke this morning to post-it notes scattered all over the house (even in the refrigerator!). All were the work of my mom. So that’s where I get it from! The best one?


I couldn’t help but fall out laughing when I read it! Me and my mishap with the stump has become a running joke among my family! It even turned into smack-talking in the days after it happened as I would hobble through the house. My dad started laughing at me and saying he could jump the stump without falling which led to – what else? – a little challenge… he was going to have to back up his talk! He wanted me to go first to show how I did it but at the time I was still sore and limping from the fall just two days earlier so I couldn’t (otherwise I would have). One jump even with a much slower approach and he fell. He didn’t plow into the ground like I did... he was smart and rolled after falling (he didn't have the momentum I had though), but I didn’t hear any lip from him about it after that! And who got the last laugh? Well me of course!! Ha!

Even though I insisted that no one get me anything, my parents still did. They got me some stuff to clean my car. Is that some kind of hint? Yeah, it is filthy.

Right after presenting me with my gift, my mom said she had something else for me that “we would have to work on.” She kept talking but I interrupted her to ask if that was going to be washing my car for me so they could try out the stuff they got for me. She stopped talking, struck her pose, looked at me, put a hand on her hip, and said bluntly “no, who do you think we are?”

It was some money. She said I could pay someone to wash my car for me.

The Big Two O

Bye bye teens, hello twenties!

Your Birthdate: March 20

You are a virtual roller coaster of emotions, and most people enjoy the ride. Your mood tends to set the tone of the room, and when you're happy, this is a good thing. When you get in a dark mood, watch out - it's very hard to get you out of it. It's sometimes hard for you to cheer up, and your gloom can be contagious. Your strength: Your warm heart Your weakness: Trouble controlling your emotions Your power color: Black Your power symbol: Musical note Your power month: February

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Well that's all positive, isn't it? They get props for tying in roller coasters though! (That's the only reason I actually I posted this!) And honey, my power color is not black. I don't look good in black, sorry.

You Can Hammer My Nail

Sunny, barely a cloud in the sky, with a nice cool breeze… the perfect spring day!

Honey, I got roasted today! I needed it though… I’m still all white and pasty from winter.

I had to help my dad rebuild our car shed. I would have tried to get out of it somehow, but being that my car (out of the five others) gets the privilege of parking under said car shed, I couldn’t easily weasel my way out. Besides, the rebuilt car shed increases the width of my spot by 6”… and these 6” are very welcomed! (Hehe! you know what I’m thinking!!) I’m not sure how I nailed that spot – my brother never got it – but I’ve had it since I’ve had a set of wheels. Charm? Luck? The favorite?!

That had me out at 10 this morning (had to catch up on my sleep first) all the way until about 5 this evening doing various things ranging from fetching tools to holding boards to pecking at nails with a hammer. Speaking of hammering, well, it’s just sad. I’m ambidextrous which totally blows my mind when I pick up a hammer. Which hand??? It doesn’t feel right in either of them!! I usually end up constantly swapping hands… but that’s neat… I’m just talented like that! Well, maybe not! The little bit of coordination I have vanishes when I hold a hammer. No matter what hand it's in I still can’t hit the damn nail! And all the while, my dad’s over there going crazy with a hammer… I’m still sitting there missing the nail over half the time. Eventually, he’ll feel sorry for his coordination-challenged son (or just get frustrated) and assign me a different, simpler task like figuring out what how much needs to be cut off a board or getting something level… I can handle that. I try though, I really do.

And hey, I finally got to put my hideous carpenter jeans to good use!! I hate those jeans – they make me look fat – but today I slid a hammer into the little loop my left pants leg. I felt so masculine!! Even though I couldn’t actually do much with the hammer, it still made me feel all tingly inside to have the handle banging against my leg as I walked (or was that something else?)! I think I may start to wear them more often… accessorized, of course, with some cute but manly hammer… ya know, in case I need it sometime! ;)

I’m just more of a wrench guy than a hammer guy though. Any idiot can use a wrench but only the skilled can use a hammer… and I don’t fall into that category.

Midterms! Midterms!! MIDTERMS!!!

Phew!!!

I finally got through all of my tough mid-terms!! And I couldn’t be happier to have them behind me! For the last two days I’ve been studying and stressing over these tests… oh and bitching about them to anyone unfortunate enough to be within earshot of me. I had my ass whipped into form after getting my chemistry midterm back – 77%! I screwed up by thinking I knew the shit and not studying enough for it. It’s not all that bad, but I can’t let it happen again – I’ve got scholarships I’ve got to maintain. So I studied my ass off for the midterms I took today!

I have horrible study habits. I’ve never been one to study much anyway… it usually just clicks with me at some point and I don’t need to study. When I do study though, I get to a point where I can’t any longer and that’s usually a sign that I’m ready. And oh I was ready for those bad boys today! I think I kicked ass on them!! I’ve got one more tomorrow but it should be quick and easy then I’m done with all of it – everything – until the 26th!! Yep, spring break baby!!! And ain’t I just lucky… guess what falls within the confines of spring break!! =)

So what will I be doing during spring break? Not much. I’ve told a few friends I’d help them move into their new house, so I’ll help if they need me… or I may just barge up there anyway to check out their new place. Today, T hinted to me about going to see 300 sometime this weekend or next week. She just broke up with her boyfriend… she made sure I knew that! Honey, don’t be getting any ideas! I could play boyfriend for awhile if she wants to appear resilient but I hope she doesn’t expect anything else. The most exciting thing I may do is go to the dealership where I bought my car for them to check out and fix a few things and have them treat me like a clueless fucking idiot. I always enjoy that!!

And with classes out next week, I may finally have time to do some real boy hunting! I’ve already thought up a few excuses for going out with someone, being out really late or staying overnight at a guy’s house. They may not work when the time comes, but I’ll at least have given it a fighting chance. If all else fails, the truth would just have to come out, but that’s assuming something actually happens first… if I can get over my fears.

Now for a few updates:

My cousin – no clue… haven’t talked to him or heard anything. I’m a bad cousin, aren’t I? I’ve been busy though.

My brother – he brought his boyfriend down to show off to my mom. I didn’t get to see him… my brother thinks I might steal him away, that’s it!! Well, I don’t think they’re actually dating – I no longer even think my brother is gay – but it’s fun to play like they are! And who knows, they may actually be dating… if so, you go gurl!! I’ve seen pictures and he is cute! Good catch! And if my bro doesn’t want him, I’ll take him!!

The weather – spring is here already as is that wonderful layer of yellow that coats everything outside. The wind blows and it looks like a dust storm, a yellow dust storm, a puffy-eyes, runny-nose, yellow dust storm… it’s not good. But I noticed this week that the campus is coming back to life after hibernating all winter. It feels more refreshing and upbeat to walk around campus now that all the flowers are popping back out. And it won’t be long before the crepe myrtles will be blooming again.

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And last (but most definitely not least) if you haven't heard already, our beloved Spider has been admitted to the hospital. Please go check out the details on his blog and wish him well while you're there. Spider, I'm wishing ya the best!!

Turning On The Taxi Light

I’ve done it! I finally put myself on a few dating websites!

I’ve been hesitant to do this because I could be found out (I did put a pic on there... beg and you may get to see it) and it’s just kinda scary. I’ve never dated anyone before… yeah, it’s sad… plus the whole internet dating thing is just… well, a creepy unknown to me. It’s the only way I see to find someone short of hitting the club scene though and I’ll have enough trouble juggling finding someone on the net and not being discovered so that’s out.

The only thing I’ve done so far is go to a chatroom and have about 20 people send me messages! I started talking to this one guy who was 22 and in the closet like me, but the barrage of messages from others made Firefox take a shit and freeze. Makes me wonder how IE would have handled it! I haven’t seen that guy online since.

But yeah, that’s where I am now with respect to my dating life (ha!). In the fantasy world that plays out in my mind, I would meet Mr. Right on the first try and it all just be perfect!! Uh huh, what are the chances of that!

Running alongside that is a plan I've thought up. I'm not going to say what it is because that would only jinx it, but it involves a certain kind of job, a bed, a goldfish, a webcam, and a lot of luck. I'm keeping my fingers crossed! =)

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I was searching through Youtube and found this. Being an avid in-car sing-alonger, I thought it was funny!!



I actually like that song too!! Plus, the guy driving is cute! Ya know that never hurts things!

And on a last note, I’m feeling fine now and the cuts and scraps are healing. I’ve had enough redneck to hold me over for another month or so! Thanks for the concern and filling me in on what a broken rib feels like! Clearly I didn’t have a broken rib!

Served

I called my aunt yesterday to set up a time for me to get my hair cut (she owns a hair salon). I wasn’t going to ask her about my cousin then because I knew she had customers in there at that time of the day and couldn’t talk about it. Luckily though, she got me in last night as her last appointment! Sounded to me like she just wanted to talk and was willing to stay late to do so!

To give you a little bit of background on the whole situation, my aunt is not my cousin’s actual mom… and you would know it to be around my cousin. He doesn’t treat her bad so much as he just ignores her and snaps off to her any chance he gets. My aunt doesn’t come out sparkling either. She doesn’t know how to handle my cousin since he’s so different from her own kids, so she just lets him be most of the time… lets his dad handle him. His dad is basically all talk and my cousin knows that. It goes much deeper but that’s the jist of it.

So during my hair cut (which reached into an entire hour), my aunt didn’t say much about my cousin. Usually, she would talk my head off, but last night she was oddly quiet most of the time. She did tell me that they were served papers yesterday to go to court over the amount of absences my cousin has racked up. She seems convinced it would be best for him to go ahead and drop out and get a job to help support his baby girl (almost a year old I think). I find myself agreeing with her after what all she told me, but we’ll have to see what unfolds after the court date.

My cousin was gone yesterday so I wasn’t able to talk to him, and today I’ve been studying for my chemistry mid-term I have tomorrow (midterm already – doesn’t seem like it!). Though I don’t think talking to him would help much now that he’s gotten himself tangled up in the legal system, I may pay him a visit this weekend.

As my aunt said, “hun if he was mine, I would have spanked his ass and taken his little truck away.” If he was mine, I would have whooped his ass, sold his truck, and watched every morning as he stepped onto the school bus. His ass would go to school and I would make damn sure he stayed all day too! Pissed off or not, he would be at school and he would just have to like it. We all do things we don’t particularly like, but we just have to tough it out. He could learn a thing or two about that.

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As for me, I did actually fall. It hurts like crazy too! My entire body hurts… still! What does a broken rib feel like? I landed hard on my right side and my ribs are hurting pretty bad on that side.

The End

I’m done.

I’ve had enough.

No more.

I’ve quit.

I can’t take it.

That's all.

It’s over.

I’m back!

What did you think I was going to say??

Yeah, it was short-lived, but I’ve done a lot of thinking over the last two days, so much I could barely concentrate during class (but hey – if it’s not one thing, it’s another!). On my way home yesterday, I took a drive down one of my favorite roads – windows down, music off, foot constantly in the gas… just me, the wind, the road, and a Camaro I almost hit going around a curve (!). For me, driving = thinking. I thought a lot during that drive and today about this blog and my internet addiction (not to be confused with a porn addiction by the way). I’ve come to the conclusion that this blog isn’t the problem. I just need to learn when to click ‘shut down’ on the computer. Idling this blog won’t help with that much, probably hurt if anything (that probably doesn't make sense to you but it does to me in a twisted way). I’m hooked on this blog (and others) but in a good, therapeutic way! =)

As for my internet addiction, let’s say something happened yesterday that could be equated to giving a drug addict several hundred kilos. Yep, finally got DSL. Ouch! It’s blazing fast too! I’m doing pretty good with fighting it so far though. It’ll be a work in progress, but I can do it.

So I’m back quicker than I even expected. I never saw this lasting a month or anything – maybe a week or so – but I never expected just two days! Reading back over my post, I made it sound like I was going away for a year!! I don’t think I could do that! I’d be in the nut house if I didn't have somewhere to let it all out!

On a different note, my confidence has been constantly going up lately … to the point that some of it may be coming out some time soon. But we’ll all just have to wait and see. I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve I may be trying (or doing – hehe!) and it’ll all depend on how that goes. I don’t know about it all right now, but when your mom asks you about your straighter and how to use it on her hair, somebody knows more than they’re letting on! ;)

Thanks for all the kind comments during my super-short hiatus!

PS: Tomorrow there's a chance of tornadoes here!! What's with the crazy weather lately?! Last week, we were in the 20s, 30s and barely even in the 40s. This week, we've had highs in the 70s and 80s and now tornadoes!! What next? I don't want to know!

It’s Bad When Even The D-Tour Has A Detour

It’s time for me to take a break (detour?). My lack of anything worth posting lately has been a clue to me. Plus, I’ve realized I’ve become a little too obsessive over this blog and I need to get my life back in check. I’ve become addicted to the internet as well. I’ve been neglecting my school work, my family and friends, and myself just to be on the internet. That has to stop. I’ve got to get a hold back on my life again. There are just things in my life I need to take care of that aren’t being taken care of right now, so I must step away for a little while.

This isn’t the depression-fueled shit from a few weeks ago. I’m not depressed now. I feel very good in fact and I think I’ll feel even better after I back off a little. I’m doing this because I need to, not because my emotions are running wild like before. I think it’s just the best thing for me to do now. I hope you understand.

I’m not sure when I’ll be back – I will be back though – but I’ll still try to check everyone’s blog regularly. I’ll also still check my email and be on Yahoo from time to time, so you’ll still be able to contact me if you happen to need to.

Thanks for everything and for putting up with all of my crazy rambling! Ya’ll mean so much to me!! (Say that with a country twang to get the full effect!)

With lots of love, hugs, and kisses from the closet,
-SlyD

See you around!

Randomness With A Splash Of Good And Bad News

I just wanted to say that today has been freaking awesome!! I’ve been alone almost all day (very rare) and had fun every second of it! I popped in my favorite techno CD, striped down to only my boxers, and danced all over the house for half of the day! I can’t dance, but it sure as hell was fun trying!!

I thought about videotaping some of my dancing and posting it on here… that thought didn’t last long. Sorry guys!

I never noticed this before, but I am so much hotter than I thought I was! =) I mean just check out my amazing fashion sense!

While I’m linking to pictures, can anyone think of a good name for my car? I’m drawing a blank and I know ya’ll are a lot more creative than I am. To show how creative I am with names, my truck is simply called The Brick. Genius, I know! Give me a ton of suggestions (you can definitely submit more than one!) and I may have a poll to let you vote for the name!

I got a 97 on my accounting test! Holla!!

AG (a girlfriend): “I wish I had a penis. I would play with it all the time if I did.”

Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling, and everytime we kiss, I swear I can fly. Can’t you feel my heart beat fast? I want this to last! Need you by my side. Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static, and everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky. Can’t you hear my heart beat slow? I can’t let you go! Want you in my life.

Yeah, I just bought her CD along with a Madonna CD this past week. Next on the list is Barbara Streisand!! ;-)

We’re getting DSL!!! Most likely at least. There are still a few details that need to be worked out first. A few of you know that I’ve been stuck with dial-up because our house is the only one on our road that can’t get DSL. After a call to our local phone line guy, that’s about to change!

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The Good News:
I’m gay! In both interruptions of the word! Just the other day, a friend was talking about how much she hated her life. I was sitting there looking at her and listening to her bitch about everything imaginable while I wondered how anyone could truly hate their life. I love my life!! Yeah, I’ve been depressed and life just seemed to suck at the time, but even at my lowest point, I never hated my life. I’ve still got years ahead of me (hopefully) and I’m not able to sit around sulking while they pass by! So I put a smile on my face, rip my clothes off, and dance! God forbid I ever actually go to a bar and get drunk!! The things I might do…

The Bad News:
After looking up (stalking) tgimhc on MySpace, I… well first let me say I hate MySpace. I just hate it! One reason I hate it is for the very thing I commonly use it for, but mostly I hate it for all the crap people put on there… the songs, the videos, the millions of useless pictures (we don’t have to see the cover of every damn album you own), the colors that clash so bad they make your eyes bleed, the stupid cursors that change when you visit a page, the backgrounds that make it impossible to read anything, and I could keep going on. Maybe it’s just because I have dial-up and all that crap slows the page to a suicidally (is that a word?) slow rate. Now there are some good pages out there, but the bad far outweighs the good. And that’s why I use Facebook for all of my internet social networking needs. They don’t allow html! Thank you Facebook! I do have a very bare MySpace page though. If you really want to add me as a friend, shoot me an email. I’m not going to post a link to it on here. Don’t expect to find out much about me on there however.

So what was I even talking about? Oh yeah, tgimhc. Well, I found out that he is… straight. At least according to his MySpace page, he is. *sigh* Yeah, sucks but he’s still some really good eye candy! On his page, he says his willing to try “just about” anything though! ;-)


Hope ya’ll have a great gay weekend!! Be sure to post some suggestions for a name for my car!

A Look In The Trash Can

You wouldn’t believe the number of things I’ve typed fully intending to post them, but I never did for one reason or another. Last night (actually early yesterday morning) I typed two posts. One got posted at 1:43am but later deleted by me around 11am. The other was supposed to be posted after I got up in the morning, but I had a change of heart and it never made it up. I thought I would post both of them just to give you a glimpse of what was going on in my mind that night.

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[This is the first one I typed and actually posted. It was supposed to set the stage for the second one.]

Title: Depressed, Lonely And Confused

I guess I’m hitting my period again! LOL!

But seriously, the emotions are back. They come and go in waves. And sometimes they last an hour, other times they can last for days. Random things or sometimes seemingly nothing trips them.

I had a friend once tell me in a joking manner that she thought I had emotional problems, though I could tell she wasn’t completely joking. And maybe I do… hell, who am I kidding? I probably do!! These emotions are nothing new. I’ve had them for years now, but they’re only getting stronger as time goes on. I really should get some help before I actually do go crazy!

I’ve looked on my college’s website about their student counseling program. It’s free to all students, but they say if it’s something long-term or too serious they’ll refer you to someone else outside of the college. I’m thinking about setting up an appointment with one of the counselors after the new semester mayhem settles down. They might as well go ahead and refer me to someone though!

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[Here’s the second and more extreme one. Thoughts of closing the D-Tour came as I was typing this.]

Title: Off The D-Tour, Back On The Main Road

I think it’s time I take a break from the D-Tour and maybe the blogging world as a whole. Yes, this blog and others have helped me in so many ways – even in ways I probably don’t notice – and I’ve met some great people along the way too. But, something’s telling me to back off a little. Step back and leave for a while… how long, I don’t know. It may be a few days, a week, a month… I may never come back (doubtful, I love you guys too much!). Mainly, I just need to get away from the computer.

I probably won’t be checking many of your blogs like I normally would. I will still check my email and be on Yahoo and AIM from time to time, but there will probably be very few, if any, new posts from me on here. Feel free to chat though! I’m not trying to isolate myself from any of you… just easing back on the blogging and the time on the computer.

And who knows… this may not even last through the rest of today. I don’t know. I can guarantee you though that if anything really exciting happens (like I talk to tgimhc) I’ll quickly come running back to tell ya’ll! I can’t keep all that juicy stuff to myself, ya know!! =)

So with all that said, I hope you guys have fun and don’t think any of this is against you (it’s not). Talk to ya’ll later!

-The Sliest of Slies, SlyD

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So, there ya go. Me losing my mind. There is some truth to both of these though. I probably will go see a counselor at some point and I am cutting back on my time spent on the computer. Reading back over these, I was surprisingly level-headed and upbeat in them especially considering how shitty I felt that night. I guess I can fake it really good.

Everybody’s Rootin’ For Ya!

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Getting to school early – around 5:30 am – to a cold, dark parking lot with two buses lined up, one behind the other. Everyone’s dressed up and tired. None of us are usually even awake at this time much less at school dressed in our best, most professional. We all file onto our predetermined bus and get comfortable in our seats for a drive to the big city. By the time everyone’s counted and the roster’s turned in to the office, the sun already peeks up over the pines and lights the once dim bus. Finally, we’re off.

More head counting and looking at who didn’t show. If they’re not here, fill their spot. We don’t need any empty spots! More panicked communicating between the two buses and all the spots are full. And we’re almost there. We’re all almost asleep.

Pulling into the parking lot of the convention center filled with other yellow buses, everyone slowly comes back to life… their once pretty hair they probably got up at 2 am to do is all messed up now. A quick word of instruction and encouragement goes to both buses before we’re let loose to join the sea of letterman jackets inside. Crowded and noisy – God it’s noisy! – I push my way to the men’s restroom to relieve my bladder and make sure everything’s in the right place. Then, I’m off. Oh wait, my partner! Where is she? She has to take this with me!

Joined up with her, we both walk into the huge test room to find our table. Accounting I… where the hell is it? Why can’t these be in order? Oh wait, they are in order! There it is!, she yells as her overly country voice seems to echo throughout the room.

We both get to our table and sit beside each other… just like we aren’t supposed to do. Hide your nametag, she says. We get the test. Phew! It worked! I breeze through it then sit for a little while as she looks on my answer sheet. I took the plunge first and got up – before she’s completely finished her test – to turn in my answer sheet. Can’t make it obvious by both of us getting up at the same time… they notice stuff like that here.

I walk out confident. I am going to state! That was too easy! A few minutes later my partner comes out and punches me for leaving before she had finished copying off my answer sheet. She even has the audacity to tell me she thinks I got one wrong! Thanks a lot for cheating off me and being so grateful I let you! I am your ticket to state, ya know!

We’re not through yet. Another test. In about 30 minutes. Accounting II. Me and little Miss Hillbilly again. We hang out and ask the others how they did on their tests as they emerge from the big test room. Some great, some not so good. We see some people from other schools we know and talk with them for a few minutes. I scope out a few hot, preppy guys from the big city schools. Just wasting time looking and chatting before our next test starts.

Time is up! The doors open for the next round of tests and people flood in to find their tables. And we’re right in the middle of the flood! Ah ha, our table’s close to the door this time! Hey let’s try sitting by each other again, she whispers as we approach the table. Hell no you ungrateful bitch, I think but just smile and nod my head in agreement instead. Doesn’t work! Our test administrator is a little more observant this time. So she moves diagonally across the table from me. No cheating this time babe… you’re on your own. We get the test… I don’t know any of this shit! What kind of depreciation? Diminishing what? Huh? We never covered this in that much detail! I speed through the test going with just my gut instinct for most of the answers and working backwards to figure out the math problems. There! I’m done! Whoa, she’s already left!

Right as I’m walking out of the test room, my advisor walks by me. She asks how it was and I tell her AI was super easy and I was sure I was going to state with it and AII was horrible, no chances there. Always kind, she congratulated me on AI and says I probably did better on AII than I think I did. Yeah right! There is no way!

So we hang around a while longer till everyone’s finished their tests then head off to the mall. I follow some of the girls (like usual) through all the clothing stores, down every tampon aisle in every store, and even a trip to Victoria's Secret. After they’ve finished shopping – and oh two guys from our school try on prom dresses – we leave to go back for the awards ceremony. See how great I did in AI and how bad I did in AII.

The ceremony starts. Blah blah… get on to the actual awards! To understand the awards, there are two categories in which you can place and only one overall winner for each event. The first category is like runner-up. The second category moves on to state. And the overall winner goes to state and gets to go up on stage to receive a nice plaque. Each participant is called out by their school’s name then – if there are two people in the event from that school – A or B. I was A in both of my events. For this, I’ll just say I was Hickville-A.

They get to Accounting I. The first category… neither of us. Second category… she’s called first then later it’s me. We’re both going to state!! She rode me right on to state, but I did better than she did on the test. Then, Accounting II. First category… she’s called out, no state for her in that event. Hmm… how could she have been better than me? Must have cheated off someone who actually knew the stuff! Second category… everyone’s attention (from my school) turns to me. They start the chanting – Number one! Number one! Number one!

Wow, I think, these people really want me to win this thing!

But my confidence in the AII test just wasn’t there and I shake my head. No way, I tell them. The list of names for the second category goes on.

Number one! Number one! Number one!

Still no Hickville-A, only B. Hmm… my heart starts racing as more start chanting… even some from other schools are chanting now! Maybe I didn’t do so bad on this after all… no, there’s no way… I didn’t know half of the stuff on it!

The second category ends. I was never called out.

And the overall winner for Accounting II who will be going on to represent this district at the state conference in Baton Rouge is…

My heart is beating out of my chest… could this be me? Could it? The chanting suddenly gets quieter as everyone listens to hear who it is.

HICKVILLE-A!!!!!!!

Everyone who was chanting busts out with cheers as I spring out of my chair and run – yes, literally run – up on stage! With a quivering hand from the adrenaline rush, I accept the plaque and shake the guy’s hand. Everyone from my school’s still yelling and screaming for me! I turn, waving the plaque in the air as the cheers get even louder and more spread out in the room, and instead of running back, I sort of jog back to my seat with the biggest, goofiest smile you’ve ever seen! Everyone crowds around to see the plaque and congratulate me.

Wow! I never thought this was possible! I never would have guessed I had done that good! I never would have imagined all of these people – both from my school and other schools – would be rooting for me to win! Yes, me… the kid who just three years earlier had almost no friends… no one cheering for him… no one except for family who seemed to care about him… who felt awkward and alone in the world… who wondered what a true friend really was… who wasn’t sure if he could even keep going. I never would have imagined then that one day it would be me who all these people were cheering so loudly for!

To this day, that plaque still hangs above the nightstand in my bedroom (and will go with me wherever I move) to remind me of the day when everybody was rootin’ for me. Every time I look at it, I smile as I think I about the time when the seemingly impossible happened and I realized just how many people had my back. A little bit of the adrenaline rush from that day comes back every time too.

On that note, I want to thank everyone for coming to this site and reading my blog! I especially want to thank all of you who have left such kind, supportive and sometimes funny comments and/or sent me an email or an IM! I really do appreciate it! It means so much to me… it gives me that everybody’s-rootin’-for-ya feeling all over again! Thanks so much!!

[Wasn’t I a little queen back then? Yeah, I was a little full of myself in high school. Just a little! I tried to write it in the way I thought back then and I think I hit it probably good. After all, it wasn’t all that long ago – about three years – and it was one of the more memorable events from high school.]

With A New Semester

…comes new things and new people. And late New Year’s Resolutions!

This semester my classes have fallen just so perfectly that I have no classes on Friday and my MW classes don’t start until noon. So since I’ll have the entire morning to do whatever on Mondays and Wednesdays, I hereby declare (makes me feel special to say that!) my late New Year’s Resolution to be to go to the local track in the morning each Monday and Wednesday and maybe Friday and do a little walking/jogging/running (weather permitting). I’m bad out of shape. Not obese mind you. Just out of shape. At almost 5’11” and weighing around 140, I’m probably underweight. My goal is to be able to climb the four flights of stairs to my math class this semester without walking into class huffing and puffing out of breathe like I did last semester with my history class (but remember who was in my history class? It made the climb well worth it!).

I’ve got to stop being so damn shy too! That’s another NYR. I’m going to actually have to talk to the people who sit by me in my classes!! Be the first to speak! I usually wait for them to talk to me and sometimes we both just sit there like dumbasses in complete silence since we’re both afraid to speak! It has to stop!! I’m breaking through my shell! I’m done with it! They won’t be able to shut me up!!

And this semester, I will finally try to get a little more involved in stuff around campus. There are a few organizations I’ve been eyeing for a while but never took the step to go check them out. Specifically, I’ll definitely be going to the Gay-Straight Alliance meetings. My brother graduated in December, so I don’t have to worry anymore about him seeing me going to the meetings. I’ve talked with the advisor for the group through email and she’s really great. I just never went to any of the meetings… even after I told her I would (oops!).

But most importantly, I MAY BE GOING TO GERMANY THIS SUMMER!!!!! The college has a two-week study abroad program that goes to Germany every summer. And I may be going!! I’m SO excited!!! I’m trying to talk one of my friends into going with me if I do go so we could go to some other places in Europe after the program ends (cause I’m not going to do that by myself – this little country boy would get so lost and no one would ever find him). Once the semester starts, I’m heading straight to the guy who’s over the program to talk to him about it. I really hope I can go!! That would be so amazing!!! I’ve always wanted to go to Europe and never thought it could possibly happen this early in my life!!! Can you tell I’m excited?? Euro boys are cute!!

I never thought I would say this, but I’m actually ready for the spring semester to start. All this alone time really is driving me insane! Still have a week though. Bring it on! I’m ready for ya!!

[ I’m really hyper today as you can probably tell… and Lewis, no you really didn’t corrupt me any. I was already corrupt! =) ]

Coming Out To Myself

It all happened on or about the night of August 11th/early morning of the 12th in 2006. And what happened is a little fuzzy as well. Nonetheless, here’s what I can remember of it.

I was on the computer in my room late at night. Everyone else was in the bed and probably asleep. I looked up some porn and drooled over the hot guys for a while. But porn always makes me depressed, so it wasn’t an all night event. After finishing up, I popped the earphones on to listen to some music while I played Royal Coalition (solitaire card game). Royal Coalition has always been my thinking game, and that night I would definitely be doing some thinking.

With the depression from the porn still fresh in my mind, the worst song possible was next on my playlist – Blue October’s “Hate Me.” I’ve always liked the song, but it’s just so solemn and depressing. Regardless, I listened to it several times and suddenly… it hit. Crashing down on me like a boulder. My emotions started going crazy! Fear. Anger. Happiness. Rage. Joy. Anxiety. Confusion. I almost started crying at one point. What’s happening to me? What’s going on? Why can’t I make it stop?

Somewhere amidst the mixed bag of emotions, I told myself I was gay. I finally admitted it to myself. And suddenly – even among fluctuating emotions – I felt free, like a huge burden had been yanked off my shoulders. It was an amazing feeling!

Why me being gay even surfaced during this wild display of emotions, I don’t exactly know. I don’t think it was the porn, though that could have played a part in it. I seem to remember reading some article online earlier in the day about gays but brushing it off because I was still in denial. Seems like it was something about gay rights. I took the stance that gays didn’t deserve any rights, odd considering I was gay and even knew it at this point. Remember though, I was in denial.

I think that was what ultimately did it for me. What ultimately led to my emotional breakdown and my coming out. As I listened to the words of the song, I thought about how some people might hate me if I was gay. Then it dawned me – I am gay and I’m hating myself here! Just earlier in the day I had said gays don’t need any rights – I don’t need any rights! I was discriminating against myself and others like me! I had been programmed – brainwashed – all my life to think that being gay is wrong. I finally figure out how to break the code and think for myself. I finally realized I was gay and there was absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Almost overwhelmed and in tears, I think I got into bed around 2 or 3 am that night. I didn’t sleep good that night either – or for several weeks to come. My mind was racing with this new perspective of life and the world that I had gained on that quiet night in the middle of August. The night that changed my life for the better from that point on. The night I finally came out to myself.