Reflections: Gigapets And A Gay Friend

It's a long one today guys! I’ve been reading Lemuel’s latest series, Persons in My Life. It’s very interest and thought provoking – you should definitely check it out if you haven’t already. His posts got me thinking and typing about my younger years (which weren’t really all that long ago).

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On the first day of the 5th grade, an intruder entered our classroom. He was the new kid – let’s call him Jeff. Fascinated but hesitant all at the same time, everyone looked and sneered at him as we always did when anyone transferred into our close-knit school. Besides, it wasn’t often we had someone new around these parts.

But I remember Jeff was different from all of the others. The way he acted. The way he carried himself. Even the way he talked. And I liked it!

Jeff was the definition of a limp wrist, but at the time, I had no clue about all of that. He was just a kid I knew I wanted to be friends with. He seemed fun and outgoing! So while everyone else brushed him off – too young to have learned the marvelous and ingenious insults of ‘fag’ and ‘queer’ (just give it a year) – I quickly bonded with him. We became friends. I guess deep down inside we both knew we had something in common.

Jeff and I soon became inseparable. Where you saw one of us, the other was not far away. I felt closer to Jeff than I had any other friend. Even my 5th grade mind realized that. It was almost like – dare I say – we were dating.

Jeff introduced me to – among other things – those wonderful little creations from the early 90s known as Gigapets. I seem to remember them originally being marketed toward girls. Well, they caught on at our school with everyone, guys included – mostly because of Jeff. I remember talking on the phone with one now very straight guy in my class for hours about our new Nanopets (a much bigger, louder, more developed, and more attention-demanding version of a Gigapet). How gay was that?

With me having a Gigapet enlightenment and demanding my parents buy me every variation of them and even the rip-offs of them (of which they wisely did not meet most of the time), I – being the good little gay boy I was – needed something to carry them all around in. A purse? It would have served my purpose well… and sent the entire community into a loud rumble of gossip. But no, even I knew at that age that it wouldn’t go over well. So I moved on to one of those mini-backpack things. While much more masculine than a purse, it was still considered a girl’s accessory. Nonetheless, I begged my parents to buy me one so I could keep all of my Gigapets in it. After hearing ‘boys don’t get things like that’ a million times, they finally broke down and bought one for me. They didn’t get it for with a smiling face and a spring in their step (I took care of that for them), but they needed some peace and quiet I guess.

The next day at school, I proudly strutted around showing off my new Gigapet purse/backpack. I thought I was something, but Jeff acted like he didn’t even noticed. Slightly hurt by this, the purse/backpack never saw those school grounds again. Now doesn’t that sound like we were dating? I still have that backpack in my closet and use it from time to time when I travel.

During PE, recess, lunch or any break in the action, Jeff and I would commonly compare notes on how our digital animals were doing, different ways of taking care of them, and how we could hide them during class. Jeff’s pets were always doing better than mine. Mine were always on their last leg about to kick the bucket. Jeff and I would even “baby-sit” each other’s Gigapets at times. Occasionally, his came back with the much talked about angel on the screen. Oops! Sometimes we would trade our Gigapets, much to the disdain of my parents. Toward the end of our Gigapet fad, we became abuser. We had grown tired of the annoying little things and needed a new twist to keep it interesting. So we would beat and starve the poor pixilated figures on our screens until we all felt happy inside again. After that lost its spark, we tossed the damn things and moved on to the next fad.

Jeff and I started going over to each other houses not long after we became friends. I went to his more than he came to mine. I remember everytime I wanted to go to Jeff’s house my dad made a big deal out of it (you can figure out why). If it were left up to him, I probably would never have gone to Jeff’s house. Sneaking out wasn’t an option either as the almost five mile walk to his house would have gotten me there by sunrise (and someone would have seen me, picked me up and brought me home to a less than favorable reception). Knowing my mom though, she probably talked to my dad about it early in the morning before my brother and me got up and told him to let me go since she knew we were both close friends. It wasn’t until the later part of junior high that I discovered these secret discussion times.

The most memorable time with Jeff was the night I spent with him at his grandparents’ house in town. We frolicked around their small yard until rain forced us inside. The weather was starting to get bad. After listening to a few stories from Jeff’s grandpa and eating some of his grandma’s crazy good cooking, we went to Jeff’s room in his grandparents’ house and I noticed the yellow glow coming in through his window. I’ve always been told when it’s yellow outside a tornado, hail, or both is on its way (oddly enough – and thankfully – neither has ever followed the yellow glow). I started getting nervous. Bad weather has always scared me. Jeff obviously noticed this because I remember him grabbing my arm as I looked out the window and telling me not to worry about it. How sweet was that? He didn’t have a TV in the room, so he turned on some Celine Dion and a few other artists very similar to her that we listened to late into the night as my concern about the weather slowly faded away. We talked needlessly about the newly released movie, Titanic. Jeff was in love with that movie! It was all he ever talked about. I got sick of hearing about it at times.

It finally came time for us to get in the bed. I remember both of us lying in bed facing each other, Jeff rubbing his leg up against mine and holding my arm (he never held my hand) as we both giggled, I a little nervously. As far as I can remember, nothing beyond that ever happened that night or any other time we were alone together. I can’t say I really enjoyed it though. It was a little awkward and confusing for me.

After the 5th grade, Jeff’s parents divorced and he moved to a different school. I was left all alone to fend for myself. He left with me a few of his diva skills though. He cracked my wrist a little… something I didn’t necessarily need going into junior high. Guilty by association and by then everyone had learned those special words. Most of my old friends had left me behind because of a combination of me spending all of my time with Jeff and them knowing what was different about him (and me too). The next three years would not be kind.

I haven’t seen or heard directly from Jeff since then, some nine years later. I have a habit though of disassociating myself with the people I went to school with before high school. The times weren’t particularly good and seeing those people again only brings back the memories. But I had heard through several people that Jeff had dropped out of high school. Being where he was, I don’t think I blame him too much as I know how the people at that school were and still are. I did, however, see his name in the arrest column in our local newspaper – drugs. I also found him on a personals website. He didn’t have a picture, but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was him. He was listed as bi. Hmm…

The incident with Jeff was the closest thing I’ve ever had to a gay experience. Yes, you read that correctly – nothing has happened beyond that. Looking back though, I kind of wish Jeff had never left. Things were bound to happen if he had stayed and I don’t know that I would have had a problem with that. Plus, I would have had a buddy in those relentless junior high years. And who knows what might have happened between us? A gay powerhouse around that small country school? I guess I’ll never know, but I wish Jeff the best wherever he is now. Maybe someday in the future we will meet again.

Reflections: 2006 – Figuring Out The Mayhem

NOTE: The following post contains a lot of rambling and reminiscing. You have been warned!

Two thousand and six – I entered it expecting it to be the typical year consisting of college, college and a bit more college. Boring. Mundane. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I have to be honest with you – I don’t remember much about the first part of ’06. It all just blurs together into two big sets – MWF and TR. Drive to class. Sit in class. Drive home. Eat. Sleep. Rewind, repeat. Nothing really exciting happened in the first part of the year. And that’s how I expected the rest of the year to play out as well. Not so.

The only thing I really remember from the first part of the year was my sociology class. I was in it with two girls I had gotten to know really well my first semester in college and had several classes with in the spring. The class started out great – great professor, simple notes, easy tests. Then, the professor’s husband lost his job and she had to quit to get a better paying full-time job. For about a week, we didn’t actually have a professor for the class. Random professors came in to fill in while the university searched for a new professor. Well, I think they just picked the first guy off the street who would actually agree to “teach” a class of college students entry-level, general requirement sociology. He was an ass! Mean, rude, confusing! No one’s opinion was right if it didn’t fall in line with his. He incited arguments in class almost every time we met and would then start cussing at everyone when he got pissed off because everyone was proving him wrong. And when people would start leaving class because of all this, he would explode and eventually just tell everyone to leave. The two girls and I hated him! We had some fun times talking shit about him before and after class though! Come the end of the semester and the professor evaluations came out, he tried to be all nice, but it was too late. I know the three of us and several others gave him terrible reviews. I haven’t seen him around campus since.

Oh yeah, I did get my truck stuck at my old high school in February after N talked me into going to the their last home basketball game of the year. Embarrassing! I had to basically park in a ditch because the school’s tiny parking lot was full. The dew fell during the game and all my truck wanted to do was spin the tires! I wanted to just crawl under the seat and hide!

Also, in February – the same day I got my truck stuck in fact – my grandmother fell and broke her hip. My dad and I had to carry her out to the car in a chair then my mom drove her to the local hospital. That was the last time she ever saw her house. She was in the hospital for about a week then moved to a rehab center not far from where we lived. She had Alzheimer's and never recovered from the broken hip. She was confined to a wheelchair. She had been living at home upon until she fell. The Alzheimer's wasn’t bad enough to require someone to stay with her or for her to go into the nursing home. But now that she was in a wheelchair and the Alzheimer's was rapidly worsening, there was no way she could go home. My mom couldn’t quit her job to care for her and her son… well, he didn’t do much of anything for her. It’s sad. So, my mom had to put her in the nursing home.

You’re probably wondering why I still went to the game even after that happened. Even though I insisted that I could go with my mom and grandmother to the hospital, my mom told me to go to the game – there was nothing I could really do that I hadn’t already done. So after much thinking, I went to the game, knowing my grandmother wouldn’t want me to not go just because of her. That day just was not a good day.

I ended the spring ’06 semester with three A’s and two B’s (Chemistry and English). Pretty good but I could have done better had I put more effort into it. I had planned to take classes in the summer, but the day payments were due I dropped all my classes. I needed some time off.

And I got my time off. I did nothing all summer long. Looking back, I kick myself for not doing something, anything. I think I gained about ten pounds that summer (come fall, I would drop those pounds plus about ten more to get to a weight I haven’t seen since early junior high).

Though early in the summer, my dad and I did install headers and dual exhaust on my truck. I lost a bit of my hearing then too. Word of advice: don’t sit in a truck with a V8 with open headers and rev the engine up to a steady rpm! It’s loud, really loud! And it will hurt your ears… permanently. And as usual, nothing went on easy. We had to cut some of the pipes in the just-bolt-it-up-and-you’re-done kit to make them fit. It sounds great now though… it should for all the shit we went through to get them (FedEx sucks) and put them on!

I took a few trips in the summer as well. My parents and I took a short trip to Hot Springs, Arkansas. It’s a nice little town but kind of strange in a way. I’d like to go back some time with some friends to check out some of the shops downtown. Then, my dad, his parents, my aunt, and one of my cousins (and me of course) went to Branson, Missouri for almost a week. That was one screwed up trip! We ended up staying in a trailer house at one of the resorts along one of the lakes there (can’t remember the name) because we found out that if you wait till the last minute to find a cabin big enough for six people, you won’t find one! It was nice… a little weird staying in a trailer though. This wasn’t my first time to visit Branson. I had been twice before this trip but never actually spent much time in town. I’ve always said it’s an old peoples’ or a family with little kids’ town. We visited Silver Dollar City and Celebration City (both great, Powder Keg and Wildcat kick ass!), went to the veteran’s museum (great and very interesting) and the much-hyped Titanic museum (crowded and boring), rode the scenic railroad (boring), and of course sat in traffic along the famous “Branson Strip” (whoopee!). The real highlight of the whole trip was spending time with my grandparents and playing ROOK (!!!!) with them.

As my summer slowed and the fall ’06 semester was looming in the horizon, two things happened that have changed my life - I finally admitted to myself that I’m gay and I started this blog! You can read more about all of that here.

In the middle of October, my grandmother died. She had been wanting to die since she was put in rehab. She would tell everyone who visited her that she just wanted to die. It had gotten so bad that I couldn’t stand to even visit her. It was just too hard to hear her saying she wanted to die and asking me if I thought she should go ahead and die. Eventually, she was put on anti-depressants and the death wishing stopped. She had also said she wanted to die before she got to the point that her sister got to. Her sister had Alzheimer's as well and got very far into it before she ultimately died from breast cancer that had resurfaced after years of being dormant. She was to the stage where she was completely dependant on someone else and didn’t recognize anyone and only dabbled. My grandmother didn’t want to get that bad. And she never did. She died still in the early stages. She could still talk and make sense most of the time, and she could still realize us. She would always get the biggest smile on her face when I walked into her room at the nursing home. My mom, who stopped by to feed her everyday, said that when I was there my grandmother’s mood was totally different – she smiled constantly and laughed more than she normally did. I regret not visiting her more often, but I can’t go back and change anything now. While I’m not happy that she died, I’m glad she never had to suffer through the later stages of Alzheimer's.

In November, I got a new car – a 2006 Pontiac Grand Prix. My old car, a Ford Focus, had been giving me some trouble with cranking, the a/c, and the CD player. Plus, the car was just built like crap. It was fun to drive, but I had serious doubts about how long it would keep running, at least all in one piece.

As for college, I had one of the most fun classes I’ve taken yet. It was a business law class and the professor was just awesome. I loved her! She knew her stuff and always had the class laughing. That was one class I wished would never end! I also changed my major from physics to marketing. During the semester, I came close to attending one of the meetings for the gay-straight alliance on campus. I should have gone, but I will this coming semester. I hear they’ve got a great group.

I closed out the fall ’06 semester with four A’s and one B. It would have been all A’s, but I couldn’t concentrate enough to study for my history final. It’s still good though.

At the end of 2006, I decided I would finally take that big step and come out to my parents, and while it didn’t actually happen in 2006, the fuse was lit. I’m still waiting for the bang.

This past year has been kind of strange. As I’m sitting here typing this, I’m not really sure what to say about 2006. It wasn’t a great year, but it wasn’t an absolutely horrible year either. I guess it was just an average year. Maybe 2007 will be a little more exciting… in a good way! =)

I want to thank everyone whose visited this site over the past few months! I especially want to thank everyone who left such great comments and sent me an email or two! You are all great and I hope you all have a great 2007!!

Reflections: The High School Years

Finally having my classes end for the semester, I’ve had a little more time to just think, namely reflect back on my life. I may start a series of these (I went back and changed the Semester of Change post to this) – only time will tell – but today I’ll focus on my high school years. The greatest years of my life so far.

Coming out of my rather traumatic junior high years, high school was a time of rebirth and growth for me. I was at a different school. I was with new people. And I was shy.

But I had some of the greatest classmates anyone could ask for. They welcomed me in like I had been there for years. It was a shock to me that these people actually wanted to get to know me, wanted to be my friend. In junior high, that was anything but the case.

High school saw my popularity grow. Me, popular?! Who would have ever imagined that? Definitely not me! I started out as a nothing freshman, but as time passed, people began to notice me. People began to recognize me. People began to respect me. By my junior year, I had more power around that school than I realized.

It didn’t hurt that I did good on my work and would usually help anyone who didn’t get on my nerves. Not to brag but I graduated with a 4.0 and one of the highest ACT scores that school had ever seen (I had the highest math score from the school). I wasn’t a bookworm though. Hell no. But most of my classmates put me up on a pedestal as a genius and a goodie-goodie. I was neither. I just did all of my work and actually tried. That doesn’t qualify me as a genius. As for the ACT score, it’s a standardized test. If you can figure out the pattern, you can kick ass. But I guess you have to be kind of smart to figure them out. The goodie-goodie reputation was laughable to anyone who truly knew me. I cheated. I helped others cheat. I talked nothing but shit about people. I would cuss you out at the drop of a hat. I had extreme apathy for my school work. I never paid attention in class. Those who didn’t know me never had a clue about the way I was. They only thought I was a quiet nerd. They missed out!

I was really popular with the teachers too. They loved me! I caught on to things very quickly. I did all of my work. I was quiet in class (or so they thought, they just never caught me). I was their dream student. More than one teacher had told me that if they had a class full of mes they’re job would be almost too easy. And I never sucked up to them either. Honestly!

Being a tiny country school, the teachers and students got to know each other very well. We could all joke together and sometimes the teachers would just want to hang out with us during and even after class (we were their favorite class after all). Most of the teachers were very cool and laid back. But boy did they gossip! I saw it first hand too. I was a student worker for one teacher in particular my senior year. Damn! This woman did nothing but gossip about everyone. Teachers and students! I mean, she was all up in everybody’s business! Of special interest to her was everyone’s sex life! She would ask me and another girl who worked for her at the same time if we knew if anyone in our class had been sleeping around! What the fuck? Yeah, I always got the juicy info from N, but that’s really none of my business much less a teacher’s business! She was a sex freak anyway. Every chance she had to make something sexual, she took it. It was just sick at times. I sometimes wondered if she had something going on with some of the guys in the school. She sure was all touchy-feely with me on several occasions.

Clubs were my life in high school. I was in almost every club offered. I was even in an abstinence club! (Stop laughing! I always wondered how a gay person could practice abstinence since we can’t get married or pregnant – not that I ever thought of practicing it anyway.) My big dog clubs were Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) and Family, Career, and Community Leaders of America (FCCLA, formerly FHA – what can a gay boy say?). In both, I came SO close to qualifying for nationals in their respective events but never quite made it. FCCLA was my favorite out of the two and the one I was most active in. I held a local office for three years. I was even president my senior year, beating a very good friend of mine (AP) for the position by one vote. I’ll never forget the day my advisor broke the news to AP and me. We were both in shock. AP had actually talked me out of running for president and just taking vice president (in that case, we both would have gotten our office by default without a vote since no one else was running for them), but our advisor talked me back into running the day of the vote. I even think our advisor was shocked that I won! She didn’t think I was as popular as I was. But the girls loved me! They wanted me. That was my strength. If only they knew…

I met some really great friends in high school and had an awesome class. Most of us genuinely cared about each other. It was like we were a real family. I looked forward to going to school each day because I enjoyed being around my classmates. I loved high school and always hated the idea of graduating. That meant our family would be broken up! But life doesn’t always go along with my ideas and by the end of my senior year, I was ready to get out. Everything seemed to pile up at the end of the year which stressed me out big time. The long-standing tradition of an end-of-the-year FCCLA party, which I, as president, had to organize, didn’t help alleviate any of the stress (oddly this tradition ended after our extremely active class graduated – we kept this thing going each year because we wanted it and had the determination to get it done). So on May 13th, 2005, I walked the stage to receive my diploma. Friday, the 13th. Lucky us!

I never came out during high school. The thought of doing so never actually crossed my mind. I’ll be honest – I was still in denial about it even though in my heart I knew I really was gay. The funniest thing is that I graduated as the top student in my class and one of the most highly respected students – by students and faculty alike – in the entire school. Yes, me, the gay boy! Graduated top in my class from small Hickville High in a bigot-ridden southern dot on the map! When I graduated, everyone knew my name. They knew D. Knew who I was. Knew what I had done. Knew everything except for my dirty little secret. So as I stood on stage during graduation and accepted my diploma, I couldn’t help but smile as I knew the influences this gay boy had had on this redneck school. I couldn’t help but smile as I thought of all the fun times I had had. Of all the friends I had made. Of all the great memories I would keep forever.

I didn’t want to leave, but life moves on and I had to go with it. If I could go back, yes I would do a few things different. I would be little wilder and go out with my friends a little more often. I would probably come out too. It would be interesting to see how popular I would be then. I might be surprised though since a lot of people loved me.

But I wasn’t the only gay person in my class. We had a lesbian who graduated top in our class as well. We had four 4.0ers (out of 27 in the class) – three girls, one guy (that’s me!). Yes, two of us were gay! We were both in the closet, even to each other. Her secret was pretty much out though. Everyone knew even though she constantly denied it. But she had some problems, anger and depression problems. I tried to be her friend (she was actually a very distant relative of mine), but she was just too damn annoying. I couldn’t stand being around her for long since she oozed hate and anger and sucked the fun out of everything. You know Debbie Downer from SNL? That was this girl only with a really bad attitude! She always clung to me too for some reason. Maybe her gaydar worked better than mine and she knew the truth. I tried to avoid her as much as possible, but I felt bad for her at the same time since she clearly had some problems and almost no one liked her. Even though I guess I become “popular,” I still made a note to talk to those who everyone ignored and may not have gained popularity like I had. Most of them seemed happy to have someone from the “in crowd” come and hang with them for a while. Some other people would make comments about me doing that, but I didn’t care. I know what it’s like for them. I’ve been there. It’s not fun to be ignored and mocked.

I had my very own stalker in high school too! I felt so privileged! It all started toward the end of my junior year. My stalker was a girl from a neighboring high school. We had both qualified for the state literary rally and everyone in the whole parish rode together on a bus and stayed at the same hotel for the event. Well, she fell in love with me on the trip! On the way home, she told one of the cool teachers from my school that she had a crush on me and the teacher then told me. It all made sense then! She had strangely hung around me a lot during the trip – following my friend (AG) and me through the mall, asking to see my senior ring (but no one else’s from our school) and wanting to play cards (Rook baby!) with the group from our school even though she didn’t know how to play. Anyway, I didn’t know what to do (is it really a surprise to anyone at this point that I didn’t know what to do?). I thought about talking to her then maybe breaking it off later if she really fell for me. Or maybe being an ass to her and hoping that she was turned off by that (I’m too nice of a guy to do that though). Or just ignoring her and hoping she would go away. Yeah, I went with the last option. It didn’t work! She started coming to all of our school’s home basketball games looking for me (I never went to any of them). She went to most of the extracurricular events I went to (for example, a district Beta meeting). It was kind of creepy. This bitch was determined though as she stalked me all through my senior year. She was probably at my graduation still wanting a piece of me! She probably still gets wet just thinking of me! (Isn’t that what girls do? I’m clueless when it comes to female stuff like that.) Why can’t I meet guys like that now? I should see if I can find her number and call her.

My high school years were awesome! I’m so glad I can look back today and laugh about all the amazing people I met and the great times I had. If only I had gotten laid back then! By a guy of course! Oh yeah! One in particular I would have loved to have had my way with! I did sleep with him on a school trip! =) Nothing happened though. =( But I did wake up the next morning with him all over on my side of the bed. There was another guy I would have loved to have tussled with under the sheets who I had my suspicions about. There was something about the way he looked into my eyes when we would talk. It was like he was trying to seduce me. I should have taken a swing at him to see what would have happened! I may have been surprised by the outcome! Anyway, he always came to me for advice and wanted to have one-on-one talks with me about life stuff. I was a year older than him but I’m not sure why he came to me for that. He was cute though so it didn’t bother me any!

For the longest time after I graduated, I missed high school like crazy. I couldn’t listen to Graduation/Friends Forever by Vitamin C without crying! It still chokes me up a little. But, I’ve moved on now. I realized I have a new adventure ahead of me that just may put the fun of high school to shame! I will never forget the friends I made and the great times I had in high school though. I couldn’t forget them even if I tried!

Reflections: Fall 2006 – A Semester Of Change

Looking back over this semester, it’s amazing how much I’ve changed. I created this blog the Sunday before classes started and looking over my early posts it’s clear there’s a difference. In my writing. In my mood. In my personality. In the way I think. I am not the same person I was four short months ago.

A lot has happened this semester and in the weeks leading up to it. Things that, while very difficult at the time, have turned me into a much different and, for the most part, better person. The most influential thing that happened actually took place in the weeks just before the semester started. Depression. Deep, deep depression. That awful, crushing depression I experienced made me much stronger and laid the foundation for the changes that were coming my way. It made me realize who I am. That I had to embrace who I am – had to embrace that I am gay – and not be ashamed of myself. It took me 19 years to figure that out. Battling off such an overwhelming depression wasn’t an easy task, but that alone showed me that I had the inner strength to do whatever I set my mind to. After the depression hit, I figured I would have to get drugs to make it go away or just deal with it for the rest of my life. I did neither. It is gone now. I feel stupid crediting depression for shaping me into a better person, but it really was a big part of it.

Of course, depression isn’t the only thing that helped facilitate the change. This blog played a huge role as well. Never before had I been able to vent my feelings, frustrations, past trauma or whatever. I had nobody I felt I could talk to about most of the stuff in my life. I had so much shit pent up inside of me that I had never let out before. It never mattered that only a couple of people even read this. I’ve unloaded my guts here and it feels great to have done so.

It amazes me how much I’ve changed and the short amount of time in which it took place. To show how extreme and sudden some of the changes were, I went from leaning toward being a conservative republican before the semester began to relating closely with liberal democrats almost within the span of a single day. How’s that for a big change?

As for my social life, well… not much has changed in that department. I met one person this semester who I became friends with – K – but towards the end of the semester we started to drift apart it seemed. I would say we’re still friends just not as close as we were earlier. Oh well. I’ve still got several more years of college to develop a social life.

Will SlyD ever get any ass? Will he turn into a whore? Will he ever see the guy in his history class again? Will he find the love of his life? Will he ever come out of the closet? What will everyone’s reaction be? Tune in next semester to find out! On… the Misadventures of SlyD!!

College really is all about figuring yourself out. And I’ve done just that… so can I quit now?