Lonely

I’ve felt so lonely and disconnected even though I’ve been surrounded by people all day. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe it’s just the holiday blues. It doesn’t feel like Christmas time to me. Plus, I can’t seem to get the thought of the guy on the dating site out of my head. ARGH!!

My mom and I (I’m a mama’s boy) went to town for my eye doctor’s appointment and to do a little shopping for Christmas. We talked and laughed the whole time, but something felt weird, wrong even. Ever since I “properly” accepted my homosexuality, there’s been a void in my relationship with my parents and other people I know. And it only seems to be getting worse as the days pass. It’s led to many awkward moments of silence when I zone out thinking about what they would think if they knew I was gay. I think my problem is that no one I know really knows! (say it fast, it’s more fun that way!)

After my appointment, we went to eat and attempted to go shopping. Christmas time is always the most dangerous time to be on the roads and it only gets worse as that special day approaches. People lose their minds at Christmas time! Buy, buy, buy! Hurry, hurry, hurry! Wrecks littered the roads. People were driving like complete asses. As always, it’s all about getting just one car ahead… even if that endangers everyone else on the road. No one else matters except for me anyway. How dare you drive the speed limit, use your turn signals, practice correct lane change procedures, not run a yellow light just as it’s turning to red, and not talk on your cell phone all while eating a hamburger, sipping a drink, messing with the radio and trying to discipline the bastard kids in the back of your rough and tumble off-road SUV!!!

Yeah, we did manage to slither our way through all the wrecks to go to a few stores but bought nothing. All that hassle for nothing. But, we did go to a music store to see if we could find a DVD on learning the guitar (yes, I’m trying to learn to play an acoustic guitar – so far I can strum all the strings!!). The instant I entered the store, one of the hot guys behind the counter started staring and smiling at me! He watched me the entire time I was in the store. But I was with my mom so I couldn’t really flirt back. Damn it!

By the way, the eye doctor said my eyes were in great shape! He said my eyes had changed very little even though it had been almost four years since I had had them checked. I’m at –2.50. (I love being nearsighted! Fuck seeing stuff off in the distance!) They changed so little he recommended that I not even get new glasses useless I just wanted to. I probably won’t either since I wear contacts most of the time.