Caught Up In The Moment

I was so caught up in all this coming out mess that I forgot to tell you how my Christmas was! Maybe it was because of how uneventful it was?

But uneventful doesn’t always means boring.

For Christmas, my family went to my dad’s parents’ house for dinner, their entire family was supposed to be there. The food was great as always, and seeing all of my uncles and aunts and most of my cousins was fun (they’re all crazy!).

After eating, one of my cousins, J, wanted to see my new car. So we both headed out in the cold rain down to my grandparents’ old store building where I had parked my car. He looked at my car then we stood under the awning of the store building talking for five minutes with the rain still blowing in on us. Being my normal dumbass self, I forgot that I had the keys to it on my key ring (we used to “live” in the store building so I could go to school in a different parish). Unlock the door and we ended up talking for about an hour.

Now, J is one year younger than me. He’s a senior in high school this year, plus he has a two year old girl. He hasn’t had the best life either. His family’s been broken for almost his entire life, his dad has divorced and married probably four times since J was born. He’s never really had anyone supportive in his life, not many people actually took the time to sit and listen to him. In high school, he would always come to me to talk about problems in his life and what he should do about them. I would help him with what I could and regret not trying to help him even more. But it had been over two years since we had a serious talk, so we had a lot of catching up to do.

Anyway after talking, we played a few PS2 games over at his house. I kicked ass at almost everything we played! Then he showed me the correct way to play ping pong (I always suck at that game). He beat me 3 out of 4 games! He was hesitant to take me on in foosball though! He knows I’m the master of foosball and I proved – after almost three years – that I still am the master! =)

It was really fun hanging out with J on Christmas! He’s always seemed like my little brother I always wanted but never had, and he treats me like I’m his older brother (his older brother died when we were young from that death wish of a game called Russian Roulette – kids, don’t play with your life like that!).

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As for the ongoing saga of coming out to my parents, it didn’t happen today either. Today was just too great of a day to do it. For the first time in years, my family made plans for all of us – mom, dad, my older brother, and me – to watch a movie at home on my parents’ new DVD player/home theatre system. I didn’t want to disrupt this rare moment to be with my family.

The movie was Cars. None of us had ever seen it. It was great! What is it about those computer animated movies that make them so freaking awesome? But this movie almost made me CRY!! Yes, Cars almost made me cry!!! CARS!!!! Damn, I’ve gotten so emotional lately!

I mean, CARS!!

Christmas In A Crumbling Closet

I just wanted to wish everyone an incredible wonderful Christmas! I hope you have a great time this holiday season and cherish the time you spend with your family and friends. Merry Christmas!!

Things have been kind of hectic lately with all the typical Christmas stresses and helping move my aunt to her new house. But, I’ve decided to give myself an amazing, late Christmas gift. Next week. After Christmas.

The door is coming down.

I’ve read a lot of stuff on it lately and found this immensely helpful blog. I’m making plans now and like the idea of telling my parents, giving them a letter and leaving for a while to let it sink in. That sounds like the best route to take. Where to go though? Aunt/uncle’s house? A friend’s house? Our old empty house? Just ride around for a few hours and maybe get lost?

But I’ve noticed I seem to be out of sequence on the normal “coming out timeline.” Is it common for a guy to come out to his parents before anyone else? I’ve never come out to anyone, not even my closest friends. It just feels right to time my parents first. I’ve always been really close to my parents and I feel that 1) they have a right to know, 2) they should be the first to know, 3) they should hear it directly from my mouth and no one else’s before hand. If I don’t tell them first, word will get back to them quickly. Nothing stays a secret for long in a small town after you tell anyone even if you tell only one person. And I don’t want them coming me to saying they heard from so-and-so that I’m gay. That’s not how I want this to go down. It may not go well, but damn it, I want to control when, where and how my little secret is exposed to the most important people in my life.

And is it strange to come out before even having an encounter with any guy? What if I tell them and then realize I’m not even gay after doing something with another guy? I’m pretty sure I’m gay though. I’ve never felt anything for a girl except for the friendship, brother-sister type thing. Nothing sexual at all there. Bobs, butt, beaver – just does nothing for me. But, I’ve had strong, almost uncontrollable urges to have sex with a guy, to kiss him, to hold his hand, to fall in love with him. I can spring a hard-on with no problem by just thinking about a few guys I’ve seen maybe once. All of my crushes in life from been on guys. All of my fantasies involve guys. I don’t see how I could end up being straight after having all of these feelings and emotions.

With all that said, I know you all are out enjoying Christmas, but if you have any advice and any time to post it or email me, please do. Anything and everything is welcomed and appreciated!

Once again, I wish everyone a very merry Christmas!! =)

Lonely

I’ve felt so lonely and disconnected even though I’ve been surrounded by people all day. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe it’s just the holiday blues. It doesn’t feel like Christmas time to me. Plus, I can’t seem to get the thought of the guy on the dating site out of my head. ARGH!!

My mom and I (I’m a mama’s boy) went to town for my eye doctor’s appointment and to do a little shopping for Christmas. We talked and laughed the whole time, but something felt weird, wrong even. Ever since I “properly” accepted my homosexuality, there’s been a void in my relationship with my parents and other people I know. And it only seems to be getting worse as the days pass. It’s led to many awkward moments of silence when I zone out thinking about what they would think if they knew I was gay. I think my problem is that no one I know really knows! (say it fast, it’s more fun that way!)

After my appointment, we went to eat and attempted to go shopping. Christmas time is always the most dangerous time to be on the roads and it only gets worse as that special day approaches. People lose their minds at Christmas time! Buy, buy, buy! Hurry, hurry, hurry! Wrecks littered the roads. People were driving like complete asses. As always, it’s all about getting just one car ahead… even if that endangers everyone else on the road. No one else matters except for me anyway. How dare you drive the speed limit, use your turn signals, practice correct lane change procedures, not run a yellow light just as it’s turning to red, and not talk on your cell phone all while eating a hamburger, sipping a drink, messing with the radio and trying to discipline the bastard kids in the back of your rough and tumble off-road SUV!!!

Yeah, we did manage to slither our way through all the wrecks to go to a few stores but bought nothing. All that hassle for nothing. But, we did go to a music store to see if we could find a DVD on learning the guitar (yes, I’m trying to learn to play an acoustic guitar – so far I can strum all the strings!!). The instant I entered the store, one of the hot guys behind the counter started staring and smiling at me! He watched me the entire time I was in the store. But I was with my mom so I couldn’t really flirt back. Damn it!

By the way, the eye doctor said my eyes were in great shape! He said my eyes had changed very little even though it had been almost four years since I had had them checked. I’m at –2.50. (I love being nearsighted! Fuck seeing stuff off in the distance!) They changed so little he recommended that I not even get new glasses useless I just wanted to. I probably won’t either since I wear contacts most of the time.