And The Dust Settles

So it was late Wednesday night … about 10:30. I got this burning in my gut that now was the time. I started in my room and slowly made my way to my parents’ room. I mean slowly as in it took me over 30 minutes to get there… normally it’s done within about 15 seconds. I stood just outside their bedroom door as snores rang out in their room… yes, they were asleep. I woke them up to tell them. Crazy? Just a little. ;)

I knocked on the open door to wake them up. They didn’t know what the fuck was going on. I walked over to the dresser near the foot of their bed and leaned against it to face them as they fiddled around turning the light on. There was no turning back now.

The words came out so easily. It was strange. Their initial reaction was of course shock… I did just wake them up to drop a bombshell on them. Then the floodgates opened. I told them about the bf and the lies I had used to cover up what I was doing. That he was 30. That we met on the internet. Everything came out… and it felt great but horrible all at the same time.

The “what you’re doing is wrong” shit followed and continued almost nonstop until my mom busted out with a prayer and I told them I was going to bed. No one slept much that night.

I was instructed to called the bf the next morning and tell him that we could have no contact for at least a week. What did I do? I called him on my way to class Thursday morning and told him. I also told him that wasn’t going to happen. We’ve talked at least once everyday since we met… that wasn’t about to stop. But the bf said that if we weren’t going to be about to see each other for a long time that it’s basically over. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. He said he was willing to wait maybe a month but he couldn’t wait forever. I hung up the phone and cried the rest of the way to class.

Thursday evening brought about a long, thick black mark at our driveway. That always makes me feel better! It’s still there too even after a large rain last night! =) Oh yeah and there was a lot of talking… too much talking for me but it seemed to help them. I was sick of talking about it, hearing about it, thinking about it!! My parents wanted me to change and couldn’t understand that I didn’t want to change and probably couldn’t even if I wanted to. They used several bully tactics to try and persuade me to change – take away the car (which I’m paying for), cell phone (which I’m paying for), computer, etc. Nothing was off limits from their “we’ll take it away” scheme. But, it didn’t work. I wasn’t about to leave the bf just because they wanted me to and thought it was all wrong.

They called the preacher to come down and meet with us. In my mind, I was rolling my eyes. Luckily, our preacher isn’t of the beat-you-over-the-head-with-a-Bible variety. He was actually really good about it. Then my parents suggested that just the preacher and I meet. Ok?! They decided to prance off to my grandparents to tell them about me (they’ve been telling almost everyone they meet I think) while the preacher and I talked at our house. I know what they were wanting to happen – the preacher lay it on me hard and make me want to change. That ain’t what happened. To show how cool our preacher can be, he simply asked if there was anything I wanted to tell him that I didn’t feel comfortable saying around my parents and that it would just stay between us. How cool is that? We talked for a short while then he said that he really admired me for having the courage to do this. I was sort of nervous about how it would all go down with the preacher coming to meet with us, but it turned out much better than I expected.

Once the preacher left, I was all alone. Call the bf!! We talked about it all until I thought I heard my parents pulling into the driveway. It wasn’t actually them but they did come home shortly after. The rest of the night was quiet… halleluiah!

Friday was a tense day. It was just my dad and I at home until about 4 in the evening when my mom got in from work. Not much was said during the day. Then, all hell broke loose. My mom was crying. My dad was bitching about everything and making smart-ass remarks. And I was about to punch somebody. My dad told me that he almost shot me that morning. Yes, like with a gun. That scared the living shit of out me! He said he thought about shooting me in the ass to make me slowly die then shooting himself. When I was fixing my breakfast Friday morning, I heard a gun click but for some reason I thought nothing of it. Before I walked into the living room where he had been sitting, he went to his bedroom and put the gun up. He said me loved me and my mom too much to do that.

I. Was. Speechless.

Everyone else got up and left the room. I just sat there for a second. So I came that close to getting shot… by my own father? I got up and headed out to the steps on our back porch. This is always my place to think. My mom came out after a few minutes and sat in one of the chairs on the porch. I didn’t even look at her. She started crying more and in a child-like whining voice pleading with me to change… the same old, same old. I was at the edge of my breaking point. I almost lost it (as in rage), but I kept myself together and didn’t make a move. She left after a while, seeing that it was a losing battle.

I went back inside and fell into the recliner in front of the TV. The History Channel was on – my baby’s favorite channel. Slowly, my parents filed into the room. Things had changed. My dad had cracked. The near shooting and being able to tell me about it clearly changed something in him. He was different. He was making jokes about me having sex with the bf!! He asked me to forgive him for even thinking about shooting me. It scared me to hear him tell me about it, but I do forgive him. My mom quickly came around too seeing that my dad had warmed up to it somewhat. The tension disappeared. Suddenly, it was like things were back to normal. We were laughing again. We were smiling again. We were a family again. My dad even said that I could probably use my car to go see the bf if I promised not to lie about where I was going. What’s there to lie about now??

Things are looking up. I know this has been so hard on them. I’ve apologized to them countless times for how much heartache I’ve caused them (I don’t know if they noticed or not but I never apologized for being gay… nothing to apologize for). Things are winding down though. A lot has happened in the last few days. My head is still spinning! But the storms has passed. Today almost nothing was said about it, but the bf did call me when my parents were home. Usually he texts me to see if I can talk or I don’t answer and call him back when I can. I just answered it this time and headed outside to talk. They knew who it was but never asked about it. Little bits of progress…

PS: I’m sorry for not checking anyone’s blogs for the last three weeks or so. There’s really no excuse, I just haven’t taken the time.

Out

I came out to my parents last night. It didn't go well. They said the car or the bf goes and that what I was doing was wrong. Blah blah blah. We're supposed to meet with our preacher sometime soon about it all so they can lay hands on me and I'll change. Yeah. I'll play along at first, but if they push me, they'll see a side of D they ain't never seen. I've been banned from driving anywhere but from college and back home. I'm thinking RUN THE FUCK AWAY!! =) They'll come around though.

I hope.

More later if I can.

Herpes

I awake this morning to little bumps… blisters all over.

I have herpes.

But the blisters are on my lip and I’ve known about it my entire lifetime. I have herpes simplex. I usually get one or two cold sores a year… lucky me that I get one now. No kissing or other activities involving contact with the blisters *ahem* until it heals. I apparently inherited (or whatever) the pain in the ass (lip?) virus from my dad. Thanks dad!

It kinda freaked me out last night when I started to feel the tingle of the damn thing coming on. Had I gotten something from the bf? I was really freaked to see it this morning… easily the worst outbreak I’ve ever had. So I was nervousing all morning. I was near panicking. The bf was still asleep. No asking him about it. Then I realized that I already had the damn virus anyway and that the outbreak was merely a coincidence. After checking out what can cause them, I understand why it hit now.

Causes:
Cold – Had a cough and sore throat for a week now

Fever – Not sure but I have felt very hot lately ;)

Stress – Check!

Exposure to sun – Check!

Menstruation – Ya never know!

No apparent reason – I bet that’s it!!

After consulting with the bf, he has never had them. He wasn’t happy to hear that we’ll have to hold off on a few things for a while. I wasn’t exactly excited to be telling him that either, but I don’t want him getting them… they suck! He understands though.

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And now having a boyfriend in my life, opening the closet door is looking so tempting and actually much easier. The bf and I have talked (and joked) about it a lot in the short time we’ve been together. I have a safety net now with him and hanging with him would be so much simpler if I just told my parents. Plus, I want to show him off! I hate having to lie to them about it all. Like the bf said though, the thing my parents will probably get caught up on with us is that he’s 10 years older than me. I don’t have a problem with it (obviously) but they may. Then again, there is a six or seven year difference between my mom and dad. If age doesn’t trip them up, it’ll be that we met on the internet.

Can You Take A Hint?

Between our wildly varying class schedules, me living far away from campus, and jobs, my friends and I usually only see each other on Tuesdays and Thursdays during common hour. It’s the same drill almost every time. Our huddle – AG, AP, S and me (that’s three girls and me) – perched up on the second floor of the student center looking out over the “grand walkway” that cuts the campus in half (the same walkway that AP and I have talked about staging a very loud and visible fake break-up on). We found this very nice spot at the beginning of the semester and AP has vowed to beat anyone who gets the spot before we do. So far, no one has felt her wrath.

The conversation varies, but sex is guaranteed to be touched on in some fashion each time we meet. You would think all this would make me a little uncomfortable being that I’m not out to my friends yet. But no, it doesn’t (if it were guys talking about sex, it would probably be different). I commonly add my two (or twenty) cents whether it’s welcomed or not, but they seem to enjoy my male perspective without the straight male intentions I bring to the conversation. Hello!!

As if it wasn’t already obvious, I’ll throw a few hints into the conversation. They do no good though. Despite my suspicions of their suspicions, the hints never seem to register with them or at least they never say anything if they do catch them, but my hints are subtle, maybe too subtle. Or maybe I’m sending the wrong signals. I’ve gotten very close to AG and especially AP over the years. AP and I frequently have very deep and personal talks, and AP sometimes has a little twinkle in her eyes when she’s around me. Oops! Sorry honey! After almost six years with absolutely no sparks between any of us (at least on my end) and me never dating a girl, they have to suspect something!

I would have no problem coming out to my friends though. In fact, I’m dying to do it! I don’t think it would be an issue with them at all. It’s just that by telling them I would be telling the entire world and I’m not ready for that yet. I love ‘em to death but they couldn’t keep a secret to save their lives!

I know I’m being a little hypocritical about all this by hinting to my friends but at the same time not wanting to tell them now. It’s all a mess inside my head that hopefully will be worked out soon (I need to do some housecleaning up there!) but I’m actually very happy with where I’m at. I’ve come a long way in the last few weeks! But sometimes, I want someone to ask me just so I can say yes and for the first time, get at least one foot out of the closet. The door’s cracked right now… I’m just not sure if the coast is clear.

Shopping Spree And An Old Friend

Part 1 of my shopping spree has been completed. I got to town little over an hour before my noon class started. First stop – Barnes & Noble ;-)

A little intimidating (more on that later) but I had to go there in person. No ordering anything online. My parents (in all of their snooping greatness) would just have to see what it was I had ordered. And that wouldn’t work. I had originally intended to rush in, get the books I wanted, and move on to the next store on the list. Maybe five minutes, ten tops…

What is it about that place that makes you want to wander around and look at everything? I stayed in there just looking at stuff for over 30 minutes (and I could have stayed longer)! Of course, part of the reason it took so long is that I had to build up the courage to go down that aisle.

I was hesitant to go down there at first. I wandered around the store looking at several other things and picked up a neat looking book on architecture. I would pass by the aisle and glance but never would go down it. I was afraid someone who knew me would see.

But then I realized the store was almost empty and most of the people that know me probably have never stepped foot in a bookstore or if they had, they wouldn’t be there at that time. So finally my balls dropped and I got the nerve to back down the aisle!

I stopped right in front of the tiny Gay/Lesbian section. They can’t possibly have all the books I want with this very limited selection! I was looking for three books… they only had one. =) But I got more than just a book.

It was empowering standing there looking at that section while several people passed by and some looked. It was like I was coming out to them, like I was getting a taste of an outted life. And it felt great!! I loved it!! As I went to check out, the woman at the register suddenly got the biggest smile on her face as she looked at the books I had. It was like she was giving me a thumbs up! That felt great as well!

After leaving B&N, I went to Circuit City to check out the MP3 player I had had my eye on for a while. Nothing too expensive. All I wanted was something small that would hold enough songs for me to listen to while I walked/jogged/ran at the track. It fit the bill as did its price tag. As you may have noticed, that link is not to CC’s website. Yep, I ran over to Best Buy where they had it $20 cheaper!

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Since I had stayed at B&N longer than expected and ended up going to Best Buy to get the MP3 player, it was getting really close to 12! So I hauled ass out to the car after getting through at BB.

I had to stop at every damn light!!

An almost steady stream of cuss words was flowing out of my mouth (with an occasional break to sing along to “Play That Funky Music White Boy” of course!). I was going to be late for my first day in the class! I floored it leaving every stop and zipped in and out of traffic to get there. I walked in the classroom at 11:56…

…to see a beaming face! Tiffy!!! I was surprised she was so happy to see me! It had been last spring since I had a class with her! We chatted for several minutes and caught up with each other in the short time before started class. It felt so great to talk to her again! Still on my B&N high, I almost wrote her a note during class telling her I’m gay. Then, I figured that may not be the best way (or place… or time) to tell her. Between me writing cutesy notes and drawing smiley faces in her notebook and both of us laughing like little school girls, I think she knows though! =)

After class, we talked as I followed her out to her car. She let me smell her barbeque-scented trunk!! I felt so honored to have the privilege! She’s so much fun to be around! Then after she got in her car to leave, I headed to my car to drop off about 15lbs of dead weight and pick up Snap to go read in the library before my next class started at 2. I didn’t have long and only read eight pages but so far it’s great!

So, today’s been a pretty damn good day! Maybe it’s starting a trend!!

Tomorrow is part 2 of the shopping spree… clothes, shoes and who knows what else!

It's Late

And I should know the night I want to go to bed early, I can't sleep. I'm bored. Tired. A little bitchy. Sounds like the normal me! Ok, maybe not... well just scratch the tired and then it'll fit! But check this out...

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace. You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions. You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected. It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional. You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others. While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well. At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything. You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams. You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

These things are so good! Like 95% of the time, they're right. Creepy. But hey, they're enough to entertain me at 2am so I'm cool with it!

As for other things, it's raining outside... or at least it was. We're supposed to have rain all night and into the early parts of tomorrow... I mean today (whatever!). That's good... my car needed to be washed! Too bad it can't clean out the inside, too! My lazy ass'll have to get out there and do that. It's not very bad though, mainly on the driver's side... don't have anybody to ever ride on the passenger side (or to put the rear seats to good use). I will someday though! Yes, I will! =)

Just looking at my checkbook, I actually have over $550 in there! And that's after buying all of my books! Wow... can you say shopping spree? I sure as hell know I can! I need to buy some new clothes, a few books (thanks Lewis!), an MP3 player, and maybe some random crap I really don't need but wouldn't mind having. That'll put a dent in my checking account! I've got to have some self-control though.

Reading back over some of my past posts, I realized I never told ya'll what happened with the friends I was thinking about coming out to. In short, we set up a time... one had to work... the whole thing was called off. Probably a good thing.

Well, I guess that's all for now. Eyes aren't wanting to stay open. I'll get back in bed and see if I can go to sleep. Later!

Silence Is Golden

I was lying in bed late last night listening to the rain falling outside my window and the thunder rumbling off in the distance when I had an epiphany.

MY MOM KNOWS!!!

She knows! She has to! Like Red Bricks once told me, mommas always know! The signs have pointed to it for years – I just never noticed it until now – and something happened this past week that seems to have confirmed it. Whether or not she’s willing to admit it, though, may be a different story.

Friday, I was volunteered by my dad to go with my mom and him to Lowe’s to pick up some lumber and other things he needed to do some work around the house. As a compromise to make up for taking my oh so valuable time (of doing nothing), they agreed to go to Walmart to pick up some junk I needed for my classes that start next week.

So, we get to Walmart, and my mom and I walk down the school supplies aisle. Low and behold, there’s a clearly gay guy talking to a girl at the end of the aisle. I cringe. Any second now she’s going to lean over and whisper something about him in my ear. We walk past him and the girl. Waiting, waiting. On to the next aisle… nothing! She never said a word to me about him.

Maybe I’m reading too closely between the lines here, but that – her silence – speaks volumes to me! She always has something to say about anyone who sets off her gaydar and this guy would have set it off. But she said nothing.

Every time she has said something to me in the past about a guy she thinks is gay, I quickly brush it off and change the subject. Maybe she finally realized this or saw something in my expressions that sent her the message to stop… that hearing her say those things makes me uncomfortable and that she’s talking about her own son when she talks about them.

So maybe I’ve gotten further along than I thought… and without actually doing anything to boot!

Coming Out To Myself

It all happened on or about the night of August 11th/early morning of the 12th in 2006. And what happened is a little fuzzy as well. Nonetheless, here’s what I can remember of it.

I was on the computer in my room late at night. Everyone else was in the bed and probably asleep. I looked up some porn and drooled over the hot guys for a while. But porn always makes me depressed, so it wasn’t an all night event. After finishing up, I popped the earphones on to listen to some music while I played Royal Coalition (solitaire card game). Royal Coalition has always been my thinking game, and that night I would definitely be doing some thinking.

With the depression from the porn still fresh in my mind, the worst song possible was next on my playlist – Blue October’s “Hate Me.” I’ve always liked the song, but it’s just so solemn and depressing. Regardless, I listened to it several times and suddenly… it hit. Crashing down on me like a boulder. My emotions started going crazy! Fear. Anger. Happiness. Rage. Joy. Anxiety. Confusion. I almost started crying at one point. What’s happening to me? What’s going on? Why can’t I make it stop?

Somewhere amidst the mixed bag of emotions, I told myself I was gay. I finally admitted it to myself. And suddenly – even among fluctuating emotions – I felt free, like a huge burden had been yanked off my shoulders. It was an amazing feeling!

Why me being gay even surfaced during this wild display of emotions, I don’t exactly know. I don’t think it was the porn, though that could have played a part in it. I seem to remember reading some article online earlier in the day about gays but brushing it off because I was still in denial. Seems like it was something about gay rights. I took the stance that gays didn’t deserve any rights, odd considering I was gay and even knew it at this point. Remember though, I was in denial.

I think that was what ultimately did it for me. What ultimately led to my emotional breakdown and my coming out. As I listened to the words of the song, I thought about how some people might hate me if I was gay. Then it dawned me – I am gay and I’m hating myself here! Just earlier in the day I had said gays don’t need any rights – I don’t need any rights! I was discriminating against myself and others like me! I had been programmed – brainwashed – all my life to think that being gay is wrong. I finally figure out how to break the code and think for myself. I finally realized I was gay and there was absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Almost overwhelmed and in tears, I think I got into bed around 2 or 3 am that night. I didn’t sleep good that night either – or for several weeks to come. My mind was racing with this new perspective of life and the world that I had gained on that quiet night in the middle of August. The night that changed my life for the better from that point on. The night I finally came out to myself.

A Change Of Plans

My original plan to come out to my parents first is getting scrapped. I’m going to go out on a limb and hope I can trust my friends to keep their mouths shut. I just emailed one of my friends to set up a time for us to go out and eat next week. Have a girls’ + one gay’s night out before the spring semester starts!

I just read John’s most recent post over at Open A Window. His first coming out to his cousin inspired me to change my plans. Besides, I’m getting nowhere with coming out to my parents. I’ve got to face reality – it’s not going to happen now, I’m just not ready. So, I think I’ll try for a little practice before I dive in head first without knowing how deep the water is. I’ve got to tell my friends eventually anyway. The best part is I honestly don’t think my friends will care. Hell, they probably already know! They’ve been around me long enough and I’ve opened up enough around them that they’ve probably figured it out by now.

I’ve always heard that the more you come out to people the easier it gets. Maybe I just need some experience before I tell my parents. I was trying to take on something bigger than I could handle by coming out to my parents first. I’ve got to take it slower. Crawl before I walk. Walk before I run. And not try to jump into the deep end before learning how to swim.

On another note, be on the lookout for some new pictures around here, maybe even including a few of the mysterious SlyD himself! Also some time tomorrow I’ll probably try to post something I wrote (as in on paper) early this morning around 3 under the light of only my cell phone while I was lying in bed. I would scan the actual pages and post them, but they’re really sloppy with a lot of stuff marked out and written in. Maybe some other time!

An Update

I know the sudden dry spell may have some worried that things didn’t go well with my parents. But don’t worry. Nothing’s happened! Absolutely nothing. I still haven’t told them.

This is harder to do than I thought it would be! Plus, my motivation has done nothing but decrease as the days roll by. Had things panned out on Tuesday as I had hoped they would, I wouldn’t still be sitting in this crumby closet.

What makes coming out even harder is that my family doesn’t talk about sex at all. Never. It’s just a topic that isn’t discussed. I don’t know why. I guess they have some view that sex is such a dirty thing that it shouldn’t be talked about. I mean, we can talk shit around the dinner table but can’t talk about sex at anytime! It doesn’t make any sense and only adds up to a very uncomfortable situation for me.

Hopefully, the right moment will come soon though. But I’m having second thoughts about the timing. Should I see if I could get my own apartment before coming out? Because there are two situations I could see happening after coming out to my parents: 1) they don’t care what I do anymore and would be glad for me get my own apartment just so they don’t have to hear me talk about being gay. 2) they would want to have their eyes on me at all times and the chance of getting an apartment becomes zero. I wish situation #1 would happen in a way. I would LOVE to have my own apartment and get out of my parents’ house (and away from their prying eyes). Plus, I might start to develop one of those things I’ve heard called a social life (?!).

It’ll all work out in the end… whenever that may be.

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I hope everyone has had a great 2006! Have a safe and happy New Years! Here’s to a kickass 2007!! =)

Another Drive

I finally went to get a haircut today. I’ve needed for one for the last two weeks, but my ass was just too lazy to go get one. It had gotten all shaggy and curly and out of control! It was like a big wave started at the back of my head and rolled down to the front where it crashed into my bangs! Yeah, it was that bad!!

After I got through chatting and gossiping with the beautician – oh and she finished cutting my hair too – I ran a few errands for my mom in town then headed back out into the country, or should I say deeper into the country (aka to our house). I turned the normally 15 minute drive home into an hour long drive through winding back roads I hadn’t been on in years. And all of the roads were empty! I met maybe five other cars and I never got behind anyone. It was great! I don’t ever remember these roads being as fun as they are now! I love to drive twisty little roads like these… as long as there's not many people on them and the cops aren’t out! Forget taking that curve at 45mph, crank it up to 70!! =) It was a lot of fun!! Especially when one of the wheels started spinning when I floored it exiting a curve! Oops! I need to calm myself down…

All that seat time in my car alone gave me time to think (talk to myself out loud). Yeah, I’m a nut! But I started thinking about – what else – coming out. Do my parents know I’m planning on doing this? Cause it’s mighty strange that for the last few days they’ve been gone almost all day long. They’re gone right now! Normally, they stay around the house most of the day when they’ve off from work. And when they are home, they’re always busying themselves with something or making plans for something that would probably stop my plans (like the movie last night, not that I didn’t enjoy it). Maybe they’re reading this (hope not!!). They’ve seen the title of this blog on the tabs in Firefox whenever they would come into my room and stare at the computer screen (not me) until they finish telling me what they came to tell me (hate when someone talks to me but doesn’t bother to ever even look at me – and this is worse since they’re basically snooping). Of course, a simple Google search doesn’t show this blog. But if you (mom and dad) are reading this, just tell me! It would make things so much easier.

Till later everyone! Have fun and don’t drive too fast (yeah I’m a hypocrite)!

Caught Up In The Moment

I was so caught up in all this coming out mess that I forgot to tell you how my Christmas was! Maybe it was because of how uneventful it was?

But uneventful doesn’t always means boring.

For Christmas, my family went to my dad’s parents’ house for dinner, their entire family was supposed to be there. The food was great as always, and seeing all of my uncles and aunts and most of my cousins was fun (they’re all crazy!).

After eating, one of my cousins, J, wanted to see my new car. So we both headed out in the cold rain down to my grandparents’ old store building where I had parked my car. He looked at my car then we stood under the awning of the store building talking for five minutes with the rain still blowing in on us. Being my normal dumbass self, I forgot that I had the keys to it on my key ring (we used to “live” in the store building so I could go to school in a different parish). Unlock the door and we ended up talking for about an hour.

Now, J is one year younger than me. He’s a senior in high school this year, plus he has a two year old girl. He hasn’t had the best life either. His family’s been broken for almost his entire life, his dad has divorced and married probably four times since J was born. He’s never really had anyone supportive in his life, not many people actually took the time to sit and listen to him. In high school, he would always come to me to talk about problems in his life and what he should do about them. I would help him with what I could and regret not trying to help him even more. But it had been over two years since we had a serious talk, so we had a lot of catching up to do.

Anyway after talking, we played a few PS2 games over at his house. I kicked ass at almost everything we played! Then he showed me the correct way to play ping pong (I always suck at that game). He beat me 3 out of 4 games! He was hesitant to take me on in foosball though! He knows I’m the master of foosball and I proved – after almost three years – that I still am the master! =)

It was really fun hanging out with J on Christmas! He’s always seemed like my little brother I always wanted but never had, and he treats me like I’m his older brother (his older brother died when we were young from that death wish of a game called Russian Roulette – kids, don’t play with your life like that!).

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As for the ongoing saga of coming out to my parents, it didn’t happen today either. Today was just too great of a day to do it. For the first time in years, my family made plans for all of us – mom, dad, my older brother, and me – to watch a movie at home on my parents’ new DVD player/home theatre system. I didn’t want to disrupt this rare moment to be with my family.

The movie was Cars. None of us had ever seen it. It was great! What is it about those computer animated movies that make them so freaking awesome? But this movie almost made me CRY!! Yes, Cars almost made me cry!!! CARS!!!! Damn, I’ve gotten so emotional lately!

I mean, CARS!!

Maybe Tomorrow

It didn’t happen today. The right moment never came. My parents were together for all of about two minutes except for supper (not the right time/place). I’ll have to give it another try tomorrow.

Nonetheless, I felt the fear. I was nervous the entire morning, almost shaking I was so nervous. My stomach seemed to be twisted into several knots. I couldn’t eat anything. Then, for those two minutes my mom and dad were together in the house, I was almost speechless with fear and anxiety. I started questioning whether or not I would be able to do this after all. I can do and I must do it though.

Second Thoughts

Ok, I’m starting to have second thoughts!! I’ve tried to keep myself busy all of today so I won’t have time to talk myself out of it. My mind has been running crazy though going through different scenarios of what could happen when I tell them. The later in the day it got, the more nervous and scared I got. But what was so strange were the occasional moments of calmness that would overtake me. They would only last a short while, but during them, I seemed to have the courage to tell them at that very minute. But the timing never was right.

So, the clock just rolled over 12:00 here. That means today’s the day!!

I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!
By the way, I hope everyone had a great Christmas!

Two Days

I have two days to prepare myself to come out to my parents. I’ve set the date for the 26th of this month.

After my post late last night, I stayed up till after 3 typing the letter I will use. So far, it’s a little over two and a half pages long and still growing. It’s a very detailed account of growing up knowing I was gay and how that has affected me. It’s a powerful and personal letter. I can post an unpersonalized version of it if anyone would like to see it when I finish.

As for the plan, it will all go down on Tuesday if things go well. At some point during the day when both my mom and dad are together and in fairly good spirits, I will tell them face-to-face. I’ll talk with them and answer any questions they have. Then after they get through grilling me, I’ll tell them I’m leaving for a few hours so they can let it all sink in. As I’m leaving, I’ll give them the letter. However if things get a little shaky after I tell them, I’ll give them the letter, leave without saying when I’ll be back or where I’m going, and wait for a call from my mom (cause I would get one). I don’t think I’ll have to do that though. I hope not at least.

I can’t believe I’m finally going to do this!! I’m so excited but so nervous all at the same time! I can’t wait till Tuesday so I can get this over with, though I know it won’t be a simple process that can take place within the span of day. But, I’ll be out and just that alone will be great no matter what their reaction is! I can’t wait!!

I’ll try to post something Tuesday about how it went. Till then, merry Christmas!!

Christmas In A Crumbling Closet

I just wanted to wish everyone an incredible wonderful Christmas! I hope you have a great time this holiday season and cherish the time you spend with your family and friends. Merry Christmas!!

Things have been kind of hectic lately with all the typical Christmas stresses and helping move my aunt to her new house. But, I’ve decided to give myself an amazing, late Christmas gift. Next week. After Christmas.

The door is coming down.

I’ve read a lot of stuff on it lately and found this immensely helpful blog. I’m making plans now and like the idea of telling my parents, giving them a letter and leaving for a while to let it sink in. That sounds like the best route to take. Where to go though? Aunt/uncle’s house? A friend’s house? Our old empty house? Just ride around for a few hours and maybe get lost?

But I’ve noticed I seem to be out of sequence on the normal “coming out timeline.” Is it common for a guy to come out to his parents before anyone else? I’ve never come out to anyone, not even my closest friends. It just feels right to time my parents first. I’ve always been really close to my parents and I feel that 1) they have a right to know, 2) they should be the first to know, 3) they should hear it directly from my mouth and no one else’s before hand. If I don’t tell them first, word will get back to them quickly. Nothing stays a secret for long in a small town after you tell anyone even if you tell only one person. And I don’t want them coming me to saying they heard from so-and-so that I’m gay. That’s not how I want this to go down. It may not go well, but damn it, I want to control when, where and how my little secret is exposed to the most important people in my life.

And is it strange to come out before even having an encounter with any guy? What if I tell them and then realize I’m not even gay after doing something with another guy? I’m pretty sure I’m gay though. I’ve never felt anything for a girl except for the friendship, brother-sister type thing. Nothing sexual at all there. Bobs, butt, beaver – just does nothing for me. But, I’ve had strong, almost uncontrollable urges to have sex with a guy, to kiss him, to hold his hand, to fall in love with him. I can spring a hard-on with no problem by just thinking about a few guys I’ve seen maybe once. All of my crushes in life from been on guys. All of my fantasies involve guys. I don’t see how I could end up being straight after having all of these feelings and emotions.

With all that said, I know you all are out enjoying Christmas, but if you have any advice and any time to post it or email me, please do. Anything and everything is welcomed and appreciated!

Once again, I wish everyone a very merry Christmas!! =)

Will You Still Love Me?

Hmm… today something transpired that made me ask the question: is knocking up an underage chick out of wedlock “morally” better or worse than being gay? I know according to the Bible a sin is a sin no matter what the given action is, and since homosexuality is widely believed to be a sin (I’m not saying it is but let’s not get into that), both would be equally immoral.

Except that that’s not the case. A chick getting knocked up is nothing out of the ordinary – so common most Christians think almost nothing of it – however homosexuality doesn’t seem to be quite as common and is thus the unpardonable sin with the unquestionable punishment of an eternal vacation to hell.

As for how this came up, my mom received a call from a good friend of our family. This good friend told my mom that her son had gotten a young girl pregnant. Now, my mom has always said that this son of the good friend felt like her own son, like he was part of our family. Well, the son of the good friend said he wasn’t sure if he would be able to face my mom and others after what he had done. My mom responded that she loved me him no wonder what he had done and would continue to love him.

In a way, this comforted me. If she can love someone else’s son no matter what he did, surely she would still love her own son even if he was gay.

After she told me all this, I came so close to saying “so you would still love me too even if you knew I was gay?”. But of course, I didn’t. I’m still not ready and neither are my parents, especially my mom.

Ultimately, my fear in coming out is simply rejection, especially by my parents. My friends, I’m not so worried about. It would weed out the fake friends, and besides, you can always find new friends. You can’t find new parents. I want to believe that they will still love me and still accept me, but there’s always that little bit of doubt and uncertainty in the back of my mind.

Views From The Closet

I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever be able to come out to my parents. The right moment seems like it will never come. There’s always something going on with my parents – one or both of them – that signals that today is not the day. I want to make it as easiest as possible for them (and me), so I want to avoid times when they’re really stressed out. But that’s all the time, every fucking day.

I’m still unsure how it will go. I’m the more happy-go-luck of their two children. Even though I can be a sarcastic bitch at times, I can generally get them to smile and laugh. I seem to have a way of lightening the mood. I’m hoping this helps and that I can use it to make things go more smoothly. If things drift into an argument (which I can see happening), I’m armed and ready for that. I have plenty of experience from the many arguments (heated debates sounds better doesn’t it?) that my dad and I have engaged in. He knows I’m good at it and can usually leave him speechless. I have a way of dusting off old hypocritical things my dad has said to use against him in an argument. It’s very effective. They don’t give me enough credit.

I just hope it goes well whenever it happens. I hope it doesn’t have any foul consequences due to me revealing a part of myself to them that I never have before. If anything, they should be proud I’m telling them and be proud of the son they raised no matter who he is attracted to. I think I turned out pretty good. I’m a nice, respectful guy. I’m considerate of others. I’m smart. I’m fairly confident and have set goals for my life. I’m just a regular human being who just happens to be gay.

Not Today

Nothing happened. I probably would have if it weren’t for all the bitching. My parents – both of them – have done nothing but bitch all fucking day long. And it’s about to drive me crazy. My mom’s still on her emotional tirade (how long does PMS last?), busting out with tears at random times and going from happy-go-lucky to down in the dumps in two seconds. I think she’s on the verge of an emotional breakdown. I try to cheer her up, but the constant bitchfest coming from her pushes me away. I love her, but she lets people push her over too easily. She never stands up for herself. And, she takes it out on us with nonstop bitching, crying, and moping around the house. It makes me want to scream and beat my head on the wall.

So, today wasn’t really the day after all. Tomorrow, I don’t know. I’m going to try to be gone most of the day (see escape the bitching). If my cousins are home, I’ll probably go visit them. It’s been a while since I’ve hung out with them anyway. Hell, I may just drive around to waste time. Almost anything’s better than being subjected to the bitching at home. The desire to move out has never been stronger.

The Day

I think today may be the day. I'll keep you posted if anything happens (if I'm not thrown out of the house). I hope everything goes well if I do spill my guts. I'm scared to death, because I woke up this morning with the feeling that today was just the day. Maybe it is and I can get this shit off my chest.