My I-Can't-Think-Of-A-Good-Title Day

Thanks so much for the birthday wishes!! You are all so amazing!!

Today was great even if I did spend most of it alone. My mom had made one of her delicious cakes last night so the cake and I needed some time together anyway! As has been the tradition, I stayed home for my b-day to spend it with my family but I got a few calls from friends and some messages on Facebook wishing me a happy birthday.

I awoke this morning to post-it notes scattered all over the house (even in the refrigerator!). All were the work of my mom. So that’s where I get it from! The best one?


I couldn’t help but fall out laughing when I read it! Me and my mishap with the stump has become a running joke among my family! It even turned into smack-talking in the days after it happened as I would hobble through the house. My dad started laughing at me and saying he could jump the stump without falling which led to – what else? – a little challenge… he was going to have to back up his talk! He wanted me to go first to show how I did it but at the time I was still sore and limping from the fall just two days earlier so I couldn’t (otherwise I would have). One jump even with a much slower approach and he fell. He didn’t plow into the ground like I did... he was smart and rolled after falling (he didn't have the momentum I had though), but I didn’t hear any lip from him about it after that! And who got the last laugh? Well me of course!! Ha!

Even though I insisted that no one get me anything, my parents still did. They got me some stuff to clean my car. Is that some kind of hint? Yeah, it is filthy.

Right after presenting me with my gift, my mom said she had something else for me that “we would have to work on.” She kept talking but I interrupted her to ask if that was going to be washing my car for me so they could try out the stuff they got for me. She stopped talking, struck her pose, looked at me, put a hand on her hip, and said bluntly “no, who do you think we are?”

It was some money. She said I could pay someone to wash my car for me.

Midterms! Midterms!! MIDTERMS!!!

Phew!!!

I finally got through all of my tough mid-terms!! And I couldn’t be happier to have them behind me! For the last two days I’ve been studying and stressing over these tests… oh and bitching about them to anyone unfortunate enough to be within earshot of me. I had my ass whipped into form after getting my chemistry midterm back – 77%! I screwed up by thinking I knew the shit and not studying enough for it. It’s not all that bad, but I can’t let it happen again – I’ve got scholarships I’ve got to maintain. So I studied my ass off for the midterms I took today!

I have horrible study habits. I’ve never been one to study much anyway… it usually just clicks with me at some point and I don’t need to study. When I do study though, I get to a point where I can’t any longer and that’s usually a sign that I’m ready. And oh I was ready for those bad boys today! I think I kicked ass on them!! I’ve got one more tomorrow but it should be quick and easy then I’m done with all of it – everything – until the 26th!! Yep, spring break baby!!! And ain’t I just lucky… guess what falls within the confines of spring break!! =)

So what will I be doing during spring break? Not much. I’ve told a few friends I’d help them move into their new house, so I’ll help if they need me… or I may just barge up there anyway to check out their new place. Today, T hinted to me about going to see 300 sometime this weekend or next week. She just broke up with her boyfriend… she made sure I knew that! Honey, don’t be getting any ideas! I could play boyfriend for awhile if she wants to appear resilient but I hope she doesn’t expect anything else. The most exciting thing I may do is go to the dealership where I bought my car for them to check out and fix a few things and have them treat me like a clueless fucking idiot. I always enjoy that!!

And with classes out next week, I may finally have time to do some real boy hunting! I’ve already thought up a few excuses for going out with someone, being out really late or staying overnight at a guy’s house. They may not work when the time comes, but I’ll at least have given it a fighting chance. If all else fails, the truth would just have to come out, but that’s assuming something actually happens first… if I can get over my fears.

Now for a few updates:

My cousin – no clue… haven’t talked to him or heard anything. I’m a bad cousin, aren’t I? I’ve been busy though.

My brother – he brought his boyfriend down to show off to my mom. I didn’t get to see him… my brother thinks I might steal him away, that’s it!! Well, I don’t think they’re actually dating – I no longer even think my brother is gay – but it’s fun to play like they are! And who knows, they may actually be dating… if so, you go gurl!! I’ve seen pictures and he is cute! Good catch! And if my bro doesn’t want him, I’ll take him!!

The weather – spring is here already as is that wonderful layer of yellow that coats everything outside. The wind blows and it looks like a dust storm, a yellow dust storm, a puffy-eyes, runny-nose, yellow dust storm… it’s not good. But I noticed this week that the campus is coming back to life after hibernating all winter. It feels more refreshing and upbeat to walk around campus now that all the flowers are popping back out. And it won’t be long before the crepe myrtles will be blooming again.

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And last (but most definitely not least) if you haven't heard already, our beloved Spider has been admitted to the hospital. Please go check out the details on his blog and wish him well while you're there. Spider, I'm wishing ya the best!!

N The Driver's Seat

I called N today! She loves the new college and she’s trying to convince me to transfer there to be with her. I have to admit I’m thinking about it! I love my N!! If nothing comes up between the two of us, I’m supposed to go over to her place tomorrow evening and NH may be coming over too! Who knows what will happen! I can’t wait!!!

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I finally got the strut tower braces and rear sway bar for my car that I ordered last week! You never knew about this because I never told you, but hey… now you know! Got the front and rear strut tower braces on today. The sway bar will have to go on later (have to jack the car up to put it on); for now, it’s just sitting on my bed.

While I was installing the rear brace, I had to fold the rear seats down and basically lay in the trunk. Well, my perverted mind started turning as you can probably imagine! Bending over the rear bumper with my head in the trunk and my ass in the air didn’t help my wild imagination either! But with the seats down, it’s definitely a nice place! Mark that down on the list of places to do it!! ‘Course that’s if I ever even get any to begin with!! =)

Anyway, the strut tower braces made a huge difference! The car soaked up bumps better than before and the steering response was much improved. If you have a GM W-body, you should definitely get some of these! Ok, let me stop before I start my rambling car talk!

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Now for something new! It’s my first video!! No I’m not in it either!! Sorry! I could have been but decided not to be so I edited myself out of it. The video is me driving around in the SBC. Sounds interesting, right? ;-) Give me a chance though! Hope you enjoy it!

Can You Take A Hint?

Between our wildly varying class schedules, me living far away from campus, and jobs, my friends and I usually only see each other on Tuesdays and Thursdays during common hour. It’s the same drill almost every time. Our huddle – AG, AP, S and me (that’s three girls and me) – perched up on the second floor of the student center looking out over the “grand walkway” that cuts the campus in half (the same walkway that AP and I have talked about staging a very loud and visible fake break-up on). We found this very nice spot at the beginning of the semester and AP has vowed to beat anyone who gets the spot before we do. So far, no one has felt her wrath.

The conversation varies, but sex is guaranteed to be touched on in some fashion each time we meet. You would think all this would make me a little uncomfortable being that I’m not out to my friends yet. But no, it doesn’t (if it were guys talking about sex, it would probably be different). I commonly add my two (or twenty) cents whether it’s welcomed or not, but they seem to enjoy my male perspective without the straight male intentions I bring to the conversation. Hello!!

As if it wasn’t already obvious, I’ll throw a few hints into the conversation. They do no good though. Despite my suspicions of their suspicions, the hints never seem to register with them or at least they never say anything if they do catch them, but my hints are subtle, maybe too subtle. Or maybe I’m sending the wrong signals. I’ve gotten very close to AG and especially AP over the years. AP and I frequently have very deep and personal talks, and AP sometimes has a little twinkle in her eyes when she’s around me. Oops! Sorry honey! After almost six years with absolutely no sparks between any of us (at least on my end) and me never dating a girl, they have to suspect something!

I would have no problem coming out to my friends though. In fact, I’m dying to do it! I don’t think it would be an issue with them at all. It’s just that by telling them I would be telling the entire world and I’m not ready for that yet. I love ‘em to death but they couldn’t keep a secret to save their lives!

I know I’m being a little hypocritical about all this by hinting to my friends but at the same time not wanting to tell them now. It’s all a mess inside my head that hopefully will be worked out soon (I need to do some housecleaning up there!) but I’m actually very happy with where I’m at. I’ve come a long way in the last few weeks! But sometimes, I want someone to ask me just so I can say yes and for the first time, get at least one foot out of the closet. The door’s cracked right now… I’m just not sure if the coast is clear.

Morning Sickness

This morning I woke up feeling like I had only half of the cylinders firing. I had gone to bed later than normal last night, plus I was around Tiff yesterday who is just now getting over a week’s worth of illnesses. I’m afraid I may be coming down with something too. Let’s hope not!

Looking and feeling like absolute shit, I thought as I was leaving the house about not going to the GSA meeting today on campus. Just hanging with the girls and doing nothing (or maybe sleeping) sounded a lot more fun to me. But I had been looking forward to the meeting for several weeks, so I decided to would go anyway. Inside though, I was actually wanting something to pop up and prevent me from going. I wasn’t in a good mood today, and I didn’t really want my first impression to be one of a crabby bitch.

I got my wish. As I was leaving my chemistry class, I saw AP (and she saw me so no turning and running away) sitting in one of the chairs in the hallway waiting for AG and S to finish their tests. I didn’t feel like brushing her off to go to the meeting. I needed someone to talk to anyway.

We ended up having a blast as we all crammed into S’s car and rode around town during common hour. Laughter always makes me feel better and we all did a lot of laughing!

As for GSA, there’s always next time. Two weeks.

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As I was driving home, I noticed several of the old ladies in the community were out in their yards piddling around with this and that. Today is a bright, warm, and sunny day. Just the day to be doing that. Just the day my grandma would have loved. As I approached our house, I almost expected to see my grandma out working in her yard across the road. She’d throw her hand up with a big smile on her face as I pulled into our driveway. And I sometimes expect to see her standing at her screen door as I put my stuff in the car in the morning. As I leave, she’d crack the door and wave. But no one’s ever there now. No one in the yard. No one standing at the door. No waves. No smiles. It’s all gone except for the memories.

Shopping Spree And An Old Friend

Part 1 of my shopping spree has been completed. I got to town little over an hour before my noon class started. First stop – Barnes & Noble ;-)

A little intimidating (more on that later) but I had to go there in person. No ordering anything online. My parents (in all of their snooping greatness) would just have to see what it was I had ordered. And that wouldn’t work. I had originally intended to rush in, get the books I wanted, and move on to the next store on the list. Maybe five minutes, ten tops…

What is it about that place that makes you want to wander around and look at everything? I stayed in there just looking at stuff for over 30 minutes (and I could have stayed longer)! Of course, part of the reason it took so long is that I had to build up the courage to go down that aisle.

I was hesitant to go down there at first. I wandered around the store looking at several other things and picked up a neat looking book on architecture. I would pass by the aisle and glance but never would go down it. I was afraid someone who knew me would see.

But then I realized the store was almost empty and most of the people that know me probably have never stepped foot in a bookstore or if they had, they wouldn’t be there at that time. So finally my balls dropped and I got the nerve to back down the aisle!

I stopped right in front of the tiny Gay/Lesbian section. They can’t possibly have all the books I want with this very limited selection! I was looking for three books… they only had one. =) But I got more than just a book.

It was empowering standing there looking at that section while several people passed by and some looked. It was like I was coming out to them, like I was getting a taste of an outted life. And it felt great!! I loved it!! As I went to check out, the woman at the register suddenly got the biggest smile on her face as she looked at the books I had. It was like she was giving me a thumbs up! That felt great as well!

After leaving B&N, I went to Circuit City to check out the MP3 player I had had my eye on for a while. Nothing too expensive. All I wanted was something small that would hold enough songs for me to listen to while I walked/jogged/ran at the track. It fit the bill as did its price tag. As you may have noticed, that link is not to CC’s website. Yep, I ran over to Best Buy where they had it $20 cheaper!

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Since I had stayed at B&N longer than expected and ended up going to Best Buy to get the MP3 player, it was getting really close to 12! So I hauled ass out to the car after getting through at BB.

I had to stop at every damn light!!

An almost steady stream of cuss words was flowing out of my mouth (with an occasional break to sing along to “Play That Funky Music White Boy” of course!). I was going to be late for my first day in the class! I floored it leaving every stop and zipped in and out of traffic to get there. I walked in the classroom at 11:56…

…to see a beaming face! Tiffy!!! I was surprised she was so happy to see me! It had been last spring since I had a class with her! We chatted for several minutes and caught up with each other in the short time before started class. It felt so great to talk to her again! Still on my B&N high, I almost wrote her a note during class telling her I’m gay. Then, I figured that may not be the best way (or place… or time) to tell her. Between me writing cutesy notes and drawing smiley faces in her notebook and both of us laughing like little school girls, I think she knows though! =)

After class, we talked as I followed her out to her car. She let me smell her barbeque-scented trunk!! I felt so honored to have the privilege! She’s so much fun to be around! Then after she got in her car to leave, I headed to my car to drop off about 15lbs of dead weight and pick up Snap to go read in the library before my next class started at 2. I didn’t have long and only read eight pages but so far it’s great!

So, today’s been a pretty damn good day! Maybe it’s starting a trend!!

Tomorrow is part 2 of the shopping spree… clothes, shoes and who knows what else!

It's Late

And I should know the night I want to go to bed early, I can't sleep. I'm bored. Tired. A little bitchy. Sounds like the normal me! Ok, maybe not... well just scratch the tired and then it'll fit! But check this out...

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace. You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions. You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected. It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional. You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others. While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well. At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything. You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams. You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

These things are so good! Like 95% of the time, they're right. Creepy. But hey, they're enough to entertain me at 2am so I'm cool with it!

As for other things, it's raining outside... or at least it was. We're supposed to have rain all night and into the early parts of tomorrow... I mean today (whatever!). That's good... my car needed to be washed! Too bad it can't clean out the inside, too! My lazy ass'll have to get out there and do that. It's not very bad though, mainly on the driver's side... don't have anybody to ever ride on the passenger side (or to put the rear seats to good use). I will someday though! Yes, I will! =)

Just looking at my checkbook, I actually have over $550 in there! And that's after buying all of my books! Wow... can you say shopping spree? I sure as hell know I can! I need to buy some new clothes, a few books (thanks Lewis!), an MP3 player, and maybe some random crap I really don't need but wouldn't mind having. That'll put a dent in my checking account! I've got to have some self-control though.

Reading back over some of my past posts, I realized I never told ya'll what happened with the friends I was thinking about coming out to. In short, we set up a time... one had to work... the whole thing was called off. Probably a good thing.

Well, I guess that's all for now. Eyes aren't wanting to stay open. I'll get back in bed and see if I can go to sleep. Later!

A Change Of Plans

My original plan to come out to my parents first is getting scrapped. I’m going to go out on a limb and hope I can trust my friends to keep their mouths shut. I just emailed one of my friends to set up a time for us to go out and eat next week. Have a girls’ + one gay’s night out before the spring semester starts!

I just read John’s most recent post over at Open A Window. His first coming out to his cousin inspired me to change my plans. Besides, I’m getting nowhere with coming out to my parents. I’ve got to face reality – it’s not going to happen now, I’m just not ready. So, I think I’ll try for a little practice before I dive in head first without knowing how deep the water is. I’ve got to tell my friends eventually anyway. The best part is I honestly don’t think my friends will care. Hell, they probably already know! They’ve been around me long enough and I’ve opened up enough around them that they’ve probably figured it out by now.

I’ve always heard that the more you come out to people the easier it gets. Maybe I just need some experience before I tell my parents. I was trying to take on something bigger than I could handle by coming out to my parents first. I’ve got to take it slower. Crawl before I walk. Walk before I run. And not try to jump into the deep end before learning how to swim.

On another note, be on the lookout for some new pictures around here, maybe even including a few of the mysterious SlyD himself! Also some time tomorrow I’ll probably try to post something I wrote (as in on paper) early this morning around 3 under the light of only my cell phone while I was lying in bed. I would scan the actual pages and post them, but they’re really sloppy with a lot of stuff marked out and written in. Maybe some other time!

Reflections: The High School Years

Finally having my classes end for the semester, I’ve had a little more time to just think, namely reflect back on my life. I may start a series of these (I went back and changed the Semester of Change post to this) – only time will tell – but today I’ll focus on my high school years. The greatest years of my life so far.

Coming out of my rather traumatic junior high years, high school was a time of rebirth and growth for me. I was at a different school. I was with new people. And I was shy.

But I had some of the greatest classmates anyone could ask for. They welcomed me in like I had been there for years. It was a shock to me that these people actually wanted to get to know me, wanted to be my friend. In junior high, that was anything but the case.

High school saw my popularity grow. Me, popular?! Who would have ever imagined that? Definitely not me! I started out as a nothing freshman, but as time passed, people began to notice me. People began to recognize me. People began to respect me. By my junior year, I had more power around that school than I realized.

It didn’t hurt that I did good on my work and would usually help anyone who didn’t get on my nerves. Not to brag but I graduated with a 4.0 and one of the highest ACT scores that school had ever seen (I had the highest math score from the school). I wasn’t a bookworm though. Hell no. But most of my classmates put me up on a pedestal as a genius and a goodie-goodie. I was neither. I just did all of my work and actually tried. That doesn’t qualify me as a genius. As for the ACT score, it’s a standardized test. If you can figure out the pattern, you can kick ass. But I guess you have to be kind of smart to figure them out. The goodie-goodie reputation was laughable to anyone who truly knew me. I cheated. I helped others cheat. I talked nothing but shit about people. I would cuss you out at the drop of a hat. I had extreme apathy for my school work. I never paid attention in class. Those who didn’t know me never had a clue about the way I was. They only thought I was a quiet nerd. They missed out!

I was really popular with the teachers too. They loved me! I caught on to things very quickly. I did all of my work. I was quiet in class (or so they thought, they just never caught me). I was their dream student. More than one teacher had told me that if they had a class full of mes they’re job would be almost too easy. And I never sucked up to them either. Honestly!

Being a tiny country school, the teachers and students got to know each other very well. We could all joke together and sometimes the teachers would just want to hang out with us during and even after class (we were their favorite class after all). Most of the teachers were very cool and laid back. But boy did they gossip! I saw it first hand too. I was a student worker for one teacher in particular my senior year. Damn! This woman did nothing but gossip about everyone. Teachers and students! I mean, she was all up in everybody’s business! Of special interest to her was everyone’s sex life! She would ask me and another girl who worked for her at the same time if we knew if anyone in our class had been sleeping around! What the fuck? Yeah, I always got the juicy info from N, but that’s really none of my business much less a teacher’s business! She was a sex freak anyway. Every chance she had to make something sexual, she took it. It was just sick at times. I sometimes wondered if she had something going on with some of the guys in the school. She sure was all touchy-feely with me on several occasions.

Clubs were my life in high school. I was in almost every club offered. I was even in an abstinence club! (Stop laughing! I always wondered how a gay person could practice abstinence since we can’t get married or pregnant – not that I ever thought of practicing it anyway.) My big dog clubs were Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) and Family, Career, and Community Leaders of America (FCCLA, formerly FHA – what can a gay boy say?). In both, I came SO close to qualifying for nationals in their respective events but never quite made it. FCCLA was my favorite out of the two and the one I was most active in. I held a local office for three years. I was even president my senior year, beating a very good friend of mine (AP) for the position by one vote. I’ll never forget the day my advisor broke the news to AP and me. We were both in shock. AP had actually talked me out of running for president and just taking vice president (in that case, we both would have gotten our office by default without a vote since no one else was running for them), but our advisor talked me back into running the day of the vote. I even think our advisor was shocked that I won! She didn’t think I was as popular as I was. But the girls loved me! They wanted me. That was my strength. If only they knew…

I met some really great friends in high school and had an awesome class. Most of us genuinely cared about each other. It was like we were a real family. I looked forward to going to school each day because I enjoyed being around my classmates. I loved high school and always hated the idea of graduating. That meant our family would be broken up! But life doesn’t always go along with my ideas and by the end of my senior year, I was ready to get out. Everything seemed to pile up at the end of the year which stressed me out big time. The long-standing tradition of an end-of-the-year FCCLA party, which I, as president, had to organize, didn’t help alleviate any of the stress (oddly this tradition ended after our extremely active class graduated – we kept this thing going each year because we wanted it and had the determination to get it done). So on May 13th, 2005, I walked the stage to receive my diploma. Friday, the 13th. Lucky us!

I never came out during high school. The thought of doing so never actually crossed my mind. I’ll be honest – I was still in denial about it even though in my heart I knew I really was gay. The funniest thing is that I graduated as the top student in my class and one of the most highly respected students – by students and faculty alike – in the entire school. Yes, me, the gay boy! Graduated top in my class from small Hickville High in a bigot-ridden southern dot on the map! When I graduated, everyone knew my name. They knew D. Knew who I was. Knew what I had done. Knew everything except for my dirty little secret. So as I stood on stage during graduation and accepted my diploma, I couldn’t help but smile as I knew the influences this gay boy had had on this redneck school. I couldn’t help but smile as I thought of all the fun times I had had. Of all the friends I had made. Of all the great memories I would keep forever.

I didn’t want to leave, but life moves on and I had to go with it. If I could go back, yes I would do a few things different. I would be little wilder and go out with my friends a little more often. I would probably come out too. It would be interesting to see how popular I would be then. I might be surprised though since a lot of people loved me.

But I wasn’t the only gay person in my class. We had a lesbian who graduated top in our class as well. We had four 4.0ers (out of 27 in the class) – three girls, one guy (that’s me!). Yes, two of us were gay! We were both in the closet, even to each other. Her secret was pretty much out though. Everyone knew even though she constantly denied it. But she had some problems, anger and depression problems. I tried to be her friend (she was actually a very distant relative of mine), but she was just too damn annoying. I couldn’t stand being around her for long since she oozed hate and anger and sucked the fun out of everything. You know Debbie Downer from SNL? That was this girl only with a really bad attitude! She always clung to me too for some reason. Maybe her gaydar worked better than mine and she knew the truth. I tried to avoid her as much as possible, but I felt bad for her at the same time since she clearly had some problems and almost no one liked her. Even though I guess I become “popular,” I still made a note to talk to those who everyone ignored and may not have gained popularity like I had. Most of them seemed happy to have someone from the “in crowd” come and hang with them for a while. Some other people would make comments about me doing that, but I didn’t care. I know what it’s like for them. I’ve been there. It’s not fun to be ignored and mocked.

I had my very own stalker in high school too! I felt so privileged! It all started toward the end of my junior year. My stalker was a girl from a neighboring high school. We had both qualified for the state literary rally and everyone in the whole parish rode together on a bus and stayed at the same hotel for the event. Well, she fell in love with me on the trip! On the way home, she told one of the cool teachers from my school that she had a crush on me and the teacher then told me. It all made sense then! She had strangely hung around me a lot during the trip – following my friend (AG) and me through the mall, asking to see my senior ring (but no one else’s from our school) and wanting to play cards (Rook baby!) with the group from our school even though she didn’t know how to play. Anyway, I didn’t know what to do (is it really a surprise to anyone at this point that I didn’t know what to do?). I thought about talking to her then maybe breaking it off later if she really fell for me. Or maybe being an ass to her and hoping that she was turned off by that (I’m too nice of a guy to do that though). Or just ignoring her and hoping she would go away. Yeah, I went with the last option. It didn’t work! She started coming to all of our school’s home basketball games looking for me (I never went to any of them). She went to most of the extracurricular events I went to (for example, a district Beta meeting). It was kind of creepy. This bitch was determined though as she stalked me all through my senior year. She was probably at my graduation still wanting a piece of me! She probably still gets wet just thinking of me! (Isn’t that what girls do? I’m clueless when it comes to female stuff like that.) Why can’t I meet guys like that now? I should see if I can find her number and call her.

My high school years were awesome! I’m so glad I can look back today and laugh about all the amazing people I met and the great times I had. If only I had gotten laid back then! By a guy of course! Oh yeah! One in particular I would have loved to have had my way with! I did sleep with him on a school trip! =) Nothing happened though. =( But I did wake up the next morning with him all over on my side of the bed. There was another guy I would have loved to have tussled with under the sheets who I had my suspicions about. There was something about the way he looked into my eyes when we would talk. It was like he was trying to seduce me. I should have taken a swing at him to see what would have happened! I may have been surprised by the outcome! Anyway, he always came to me for advice and wanted to have one-on-one talks with me about life stuff. I was a year older than him but I’m not sure why he came to me for that. He was cute though so it didn’t bother me any!

For the longest time after I graduated, I missed high school like crazy. I couldn’t listen to Graduation/Friends Forever by Vitamin C without crying! It still chokes me up a little. But, I’ve moved on now. I realized I have a new adventure ahead of me that just may put the fun of high school to shame! I will never forget the friends I made and the great times I had in high school though. I couldn’t forget them even if I tried!

Moving N

I miss understood N the other day. She’s leaving after this semester! The semester that ends TOMORROW!! Not after the fall 2007 semester like I thought she meant.

When she told me this, she jokingly said not to cry. But I was on the verge of it!! I just gave her a warm smile then looked away as tears actually did start to form in my eyes. I fought them off however.

I won’t see her near as often as I have or would like to. But I guess it’s good for her. She’ll be going to the college she actually should have started at, and she’ll get away from AP and AG and their friends (they’re driving her insane). I hope she’s not wanting to get away from me, too. That, thankfully, doesn’t seem to be the case though.

I really will miss N. Words can’t describe how much I’ll miss her. She’s always been there to give me a word of encouragement or knock some reality back into me when I talk about doing crazy shit. I’ll definitely have to visit her after she moves especially since she’s moving in with my other best friend from high school, NH. N and NH were like sisters in high school; I was like their brother. We just had a happy little family going on!

I’ll have to take N up on that offer for her to bring me out to the movies after she gets all moved in next semester. She always goes to see the good movies, not just the chick-flicks. That’s my kind of girl! Plus, she loves to travel, sit and talk, just take a stroll, ride roller coasters, drive cars, stay up late, have fun, and talk shit. If only I was straight, my dream girl would be sitting right in front of me! But I’m not, so she just has to settle with being the greatest friend ever.

Reunited

After over three months, I finally went to visit my friends at their apartment. I feel bad that it’s been that long. I really do. But, I had to get away and be alone for a while to figure myself out.

In three months, few things have change with them. It’s me who has changed. N has a new car, but other than that, she’s the same old know-me-like-the-back-of-her-hand N. We resumed our close bond like we never were apart. If I were straight, N would be the girl I was after. Not because she has money and looks smokin’ all the time but because of the amazing relationship we have with each other (that begs the question of would it be any different if I was straight… probably would be). I think we were somehow separated at birth… not sure how to explain how she turned out black and me white though. AP has moved up even higher at her job, and she’s still as fun as ever to be around (she said she felt like she didn’t even know me anymore since it’s been so long). AG hasn’t changed a bit. Still a dork.

They may not have noticed, but I have changed a great deal since I last visited them. It’s usually not noticeable at first. My personality, attitude, confidence, self-esteem, self-image, and general outlook on life have changed. All within about three months. But on the surface, I’m still the same. N probably noticed. AP and AG didn’t – they don’t know me like N does to notice a change.

Back to N and me, I have to say I love N. Not in a romantic way but as a friend. Just being around her makes me feel better. I feel comfortable just being myself and talking about or doing anything even though I never have come out to her (probably don’t need to – she can read my mind). It kind of scares me knowing she will be moving to a different college after next fall. I may lose the greatest friend I’ve ever had.

Anyway, N and I talked about going out to celebrate the end of the semester. We’ve made plans to do something similar in the past, but nothing ever happened. Hopefully, we can make this happen.

I regret ever ditching my friends just to be alone, but nobody makes the right decisions all the time. I’ve learned never to leave your friends behind and found out how great my friends really are. Even though they can get on my nerves at times (well not N), they are some of the greatest people I have met in my life. I hope I never lose them. I don’t know what I would do if I did.