An Update

I know the sudden dry spell may have some worried that things didn’t go well with my parents. But don’t worry. Nothing’s happened! Absolutely nothing. I still haven’t told them.

This is harder to do than I thought it would be! Plus, my motivation has done nothing but decrease as the days roll by. Had things panned out on Tuesday as I had hoped they would, I wouldn’t still be sitting in this crumby closet.

What makes coming out even harder is that my family doesn’t talk about sex at all. Never. It’s just a topic that isn’t discussed. I don’t know why. I guess they have some view that sex is such a dirty thing that it shouldn’t be talked about. I mean, we can talk shit around the dinner table but can’t talk about sex at anytime! It doesn’t make any sense and only adds up to a very uncomfortable situation for me.

Hopefully, the right moment will come soon though. But I’m having second thoughts about the timing. Should I see if I could get my own apartment before coming out? Because there are two situations I could see happening after coming out to my parents: 1) they don’t care what I do anymore and would be glad for me get my own apartment just so they don’t have to hear me talk about being gay. 2) they would want to have their eyes on me at all times and the chance of getting an apartment becomes zero. I wish situation #1 would happen in a way. I would LOVE to have my own apartment and get out of my parents’ house (and away from their prying eyes). Plus, I might start to develop one of those things I’ve heard called a social life (?!).

It’ll all work out in the end… whenever that may be.

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I hope everyone has had a great 2006! Have a safe and happy New Years! Here’s to a kickass 2007!! =)

Boredom

So, I was cruising the Blogthings site since I was really bored. I love finding out things about myself like what kind of a donut I am and what my bathroom habits say about me! But I came upon these and just had to post the results.

First, this. I just thought it was kind of interesting (notice these don't add up to 100%).

Your Linguistic Profile:

55% General American English

25% Dixie

5% Midwestern

5% Upper Midwestern

5% Yankee

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Then, there’s this. This is so me! I was speechless after I read it. And to think I almost picked a different one!

Your Personality Profile

You are dreamy, peaceful, and young at heart. Optimistic and caring, you tend to see the best in people. You tend to be always smiling - and making others smile. You are shy and intelligent... and a very hard worker. You're also funny, but many people don't see your funny side. Your subtle dry humor leaves your close friends in stitches.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

And finally, the 2007 car I should be driving.

You Should Drive a Jaguar XK 4.2

You don't care how you get there as long as you get there with class. And having a little power doesn't hurt either!

What 2007 Car Should You Drive?

But of course, I’d rather have this little beauty! Oh yeah! =)

Another Drive

I finally went to get a haircut today. I’ve needed for one for the last two weeks, but my ass was just too lazy to go get one. It had gotten all shaggy and curly and out of control! It was like a big wave started at the back of my head and rolled down to the front where it crashed into my bangs! Yeah, it was that bad!!

After I got through chatting and gossiping with the beautician – oh and she finished cutting my hair too – I ran a few errands for my mom in town then headed back out into the country, or should I say deeper into the country (aka to our house). I turned the normally 15 minute drive home into an hour long drive through winding back roads I hadn’t been on in years. And all of the roads were empty! I met maybe five other cars and I never got behind anyone. It was great! I don’t ever remember these roads being as fun as they are now! I love to drive twisty little roads like these… as long as there's not many people on them and the cops aren’t out! Forget taking that curve at 45mph, crank it up to 70!! =) It was a lot of fun!! Especially when one of the wheels started spinning when I floored it exiting a curve! Oops! I need to calm myself down…

All that seat time in my car alone gave me time to think (talk to myself out loud). Yeah, I’m a nut! But I started thinking about – what else – coming out. Do my parents know I’m planning on doing this? Cause it’s mighty strange that for the last few days they’ve been gone almost all day long. They’re gone right now! Normally, they stay around the house most of the day when they’ve off from work. And when they are home, they’re always busying themselves with something or making plans for something that would probably stop my plans (like the movie last night, not that I didn’t enjoy it). Maybe they’re reading this (hope not!!). They’ve seen the title of this blog on the tabs in Firefox whenever they would come into my room and stare at the computer screen (not me) until they finish telling me what they came to tell me (hate when someone talks to me but doesn’t bother to ever even look at me – and this is worse since they’re basically snooping). Of course, a simple Google search doesn’t show this blog. But if you (mom and dad) are reading this, just tell me! It would make things so much easier.

Till later everyone! Have fun and don’t drive too fast (yeah I’m a hypocrite)!

Oops!

I just noticed the email address on the right sidebar was wrong. It's iamslyd@yahoo.com, not iamsly@yahoo.com. If you sent me anything using that address and wondered why I never replied, please resend it using the correct address. Sorry about the screw up!

And thanks to everyone who has emailed me! You are all great!

Caught Up In The Moment

I was so caught up in all this coming out mess that I forgot to tell you how my Christmas was! Maybe it was because of how uneventful it was?

But uneventful doesn’t always means boring.

For Christmas, my family went to my dad’s parents’ house for dinner, their entire family was supposed to be there. The food was great as always, and seeing all of my uncles and aunts and most of my cousins was fun (they’re all crazy!).

After eating, one of my cousins, J, wanted to see my new car. So we both headed out in the cold rain down to my grandparents’ old store building where I had parked my car. He looked at my car then we stood under the awning of the store building talking for five minutes with the rain still blowing in on us. Being my normal dumbass self, I forgot that I had the keys to it on my key ring (we used to “live” in the store building so I could go to school in a different parish). Unlock the door and we ended up talking for about an hour.

Now, J is one year younger than me. He’s a senior in high school this year, plus he has a two year old girl. He hasn’t had the best life either. His family’s been broken for almost his entire life, his dad has divorced and married probably four times since J was born. He’s never really had anyone supportive in his life, not many people actually took the time to sit and listen to him. In high school, he would always come to me to talk about problems in his life and what he should do about them. I would help him with what I could and regret not trying to help him even more. But it had been over two years since we had a serious talk, so we had a lot of catching up to do.

Anyway after talking, we played a few PS2 games over at his house. I kicked ass at almost everything we played! Then he showed me the correct way to play ping pong (I always suck at that game). He beat me 3 out of 4 games! He was hesitant to take me on in foosball though! He knows I’m the master of foosball and I proved – after almost three years – that I still am the master! =)

It was really fun hanging out with J on Christmas! He’s always seemed like my little brother I always wanted but never had, and he treats me like I’m his older brother (his older brother died when we were young from that death wish of a game called Russian Roulette – kids, don’t play with your life like that!).

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As for the ongoing saga of coming out to my parents, it didn’t happen today either. Today was just too great of a day to do it. For the first time in years, my family made plans for all of us – mom, dad, my older brother, and me – to watch a movie at home on my parents’ new DVD player/home theatre system. I didn’t want to disrupt this rare moment to be with my family.

The movie was Cars. None of us had ever seen it. It was great! What is it about those computer animated movies that make them so freaking awesome? But this movie almost made me CRY!! Yes, Cars almost made me cry!!! CARS!!!! Damn, I’ve gotten so emotional lately!

I mean, CARS!!

Maybe Tomorrow

It didn’t happen today. The right moment never came. My parents were together for all of about two minutes except for supper (not the right time/place). I’ll have to give it another try tomorrow.

Nonetheless, I felt the fear. I was nervous the entire morning, almost shaking I was so nervous. My stomach seemed to be twisted into several knots. I couldn’t eat anything. Then, for those two minutes my mom and dad were together in the house, I was almost speechless with fear and anxiety. I started questioning whether or not I would be able to do this after all. I can do and I must do it though.

Second Thoughts

Ok, I’m starting to have second thoughts!! I’ve tried to keep myself busy all of today so I won’t have time to talk myself out of it. My mind has been running crazy though going through different scenarios of what could happen when I tell them. The later in the day it got, the more nervous and scared I got. But what was so strange were the occasional moments of calmness that would overtake me. They would only last a short while, but during them, I seemed to have the courage to tell them at that very minute. But the timing never was right.

So, the clock just rolled over 12:00 here. That means today’s the day!!

I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!
By the way, I hope everyone had a great Christmas!

Two Days

I have two days to prepare myself to come out to my parents. I’ve set the date for the 26th of this month.

After my post late last night, I stayed up till after 3 typing the letter I will use. So far, it’s a little over two and a half pages long and still growing. It’s a very detailed account of growing up knowing I was gay and how that has affected me. It’s a powerful and personal letter. I can post an unpersonalized version of it if anyone would like to see it when I finish.

As for the plan, it will all go down on Tuesday if things go well. At some point during the day when both my mom and dad are together and in fairly good spirits, I will tell them face-to-face. I’ll talk with them and answer any questions they have. Then after they get through grilling me, I’ll tell them I’m leaving for a few hours so they can let it all sink in. As I’m leaving, I’ll give them the letter. However if things get a little shaky after I tell them, I’ll give them the letter, leave without saying when I’ll be back or where I’m going, and wait for a call from my mom (cause I would get one). I don’t think I’ll have to do that though. I hope not at least.

I can’t believe I’m finally going to do this!! I’m so excited but so nervous all at the same time! I can’t wait till Tuesday so I can get this over with, though I know it won’t be a simple process that can take place within the span of day. But, I’ll be out and just that alone will be great no matter what their reaction is! I can’t wait!!

I’ll try to post something Tuesday about how it went. Till then, merry Christmas!!

Christmas In A Crumbling Closet

I just wanted to wish everyone an incredible wonderful Christmas! I hope you have a great time this holiday season and cherish the time you spend with your family and friends. Merry Christmas!!

Things have been kind of hectic lately with all the typical Christmas stresses and helping move my aunt to her new house. But, I’ve decided to give myself an amazing, late Christmas gift. Next week. After Christmas.

The door is coming down.

I’ve read a lot of stuff on it lately and found this immensely helpful blog. I’m making plans now and like the idea of telling my parents, giving them a letter and leaving for a while to let it sink in. That sounds like the best route to take. Where to go though? Aunt/uncle’s house? A friend’s house? Our old empty house? Just ride around for a few hours and maybe get lost?

But I’ve noticed I seem to be out of sequence on the normal “coming out timeline.” Is it common for a guy to come out to his parents before anyone else? I’ve never come out to anyone, not even my closest friends. It just feels right to time my parents first. I’ve always been really close to my parents and I feel that 1) they have a right to know, 2) they should be the first to know, 3) they should hear it directly from my mouth and no one else’s before hand. If I don’t tell them first, word will get back to them quickly. Nothing stays a secret for long in a small town after you tell anyone even if you tell only one person. And I don’t want them coming me to saying they heard from so-and-so that I’m gay. That’s not how I want this to go down. It may not go well, but damn it, I want to control when, where and how my little secret is exposed to the most important people in my life.

And is it strange to come out before even having an encounter with any guy? What if I tell them and then realize I’m not even gay after doing something with another guy? I’m pretty sure I’m gay though. I’ve never felt anything for a girl except for the friendship, brother-sister type thing. Nothing sexual at all there. Bobs, butt, beaver – just does nothing for me. But, I’ve had strong, almost uncontrollable urges to have sex with a guy, to kiss him, to hold his hand, to fall in love with him. I can spring a hard-on with no problem by just thinking about a few guys I’ve seen maybe once. All of my crushes in life from been on guys. All of my fantasies involve guys. I don’t see how I could end up being straight after having all of these feelings and emotions.

With all that said, I know you all are out enjoying Christmas, but if you have any advice and any time to post it or email me, please do. Anything and everything is welcomed and appreciated!

Once again, I wish everyone a very merry Christmas!! =)

Computer Problems

Something happened to my computer today but it only affected Firefox (virus?). I turned the computer off without shutting it down correctly, and after it booted back up, all of my settings and bookmarks from the last month or so were gone. I had some important stuff bookmarked too. I don’t understand why it happened – I didn’t even have Firefox running when I turned the computer off. I tried doing a system restore, but it did nothing. I’m downloading an update for my anti-virus software right now. =(

To add on to that, my internet connection has been painfully slow today! I’m just about to the point of punching the screen!

Check This Out

Wow. That's surprising! Not too sure that's entirely me though. I am a sucker for fantasy, but I don't think I'm selfish or greedy. Am I?

Will You Still Love Me?

Hmm… today something transpired that made me ask the question: is knocking up an underage chick out of wedlock “morally” better or worse than being gay? I know according to the Bible a sin is a sin no matter what the given action is, and since homosexuality is widely believed to be a sin (I’m not saying it is but let’s not get into that), both would be equally immoral.

Except that that’s not the case. A chick getting knocked up is nothing out of the ordinary – so common most Christians think almost nothing of it – however homosexuality doesn’t seem to be quite as common and is thus the unpardonable sin with the unquestionable punishment of an eternal vacation to hell.

As for how this came up, my mom received a call from a good friend of our family. This good friend told my mom that her son had gotten a young girl pregnant. Now, my mom has always said that this son of the good friend felt like her own son, like he was part of our family. Well, the son of the good friend said he wasn’t sure if he would be able to face my mom and others after what he had done. My mom responded that she loved me him no wonder what he had done and would continue to love him.

In a way, this comforted me. If she can love someone else’s son no matter what he did, surely she would still love her own son even if he was gay.

After she told me all this, I came so close to saying “so you would still love me too even if you knew I was gay?”. But of course, I didn’t. I’m still not ready and neither are my parents, especially my mom.

Ultimately, my fear in coming out is simply rejection, especially by my parents. My friends, I’m not so worried about. It would weed out the fake friends, and besides, you can always find new friends. You can’t find new parents. I want to believe that they will still love me and still accept me, but there’s always that little bit of doubt and uncertainty in the back of my mind.

Home Alone With Nothing To Do

I awoke this morning to a quiet, empty house. I love it! It’s rare to have any peace and quiet or any time alone. But, I quickly grew bored after checking out a few of my favorite sites and blogs, watching an episode of My Super Sweet 16 (Why don’t they ever have a gay version? They would definitely have some drama then!), and of course eating. So what did I do?

Go for a drive!

My car needed some gas, so I decided to go fill it up. Exciting, I know! The nearest gas station – hell the only one for a good 10-15 miles – is just up the road from my house, a five minute drive at the most. But I went the long way through all the fun, curvy country back roads! I knew just the one, too. It’s got plenty of curves – big, sweeping high-speed curves all the way down to 15 mph, hairpin curves. And there’s usually not many people on the road either! That is my recipe for some fun!

Needing to test out my car’s handling abilities, this was the perfect road. I didn’t push it too hard, but it did very good for such a large car. I found out I need new brake pads, and a strut tower brace wouldn’t hurt things either. I will probably be back tomorrow to give it another go and I may go down an even curvier road! Anyone wanna take a ride with me?

Oh yeah, I did finally make it to the gas station. Twenty-five dollars to fill it up. Not bad considering it was well under half a tank!

Hope everyone has fun in these days leading up to Christmas! Be sure to scope out some curvy roads to help remove some of that stress and replace it with a smile on your face! =)

And you thought this was going to be a nasty post...

Lonely

I’ve felt so lonely and disconnected even though I’ve been surrounded by people all day. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe it’s just the holiday blues. It doesn’t feel like Christmas time to me. Plus, I can’t seem to get the thought of the guy on the dating site out of my head. ARGH!!

My mom and I (I’m a mama’s boy) went to town for my eye doctor’s appointment and to do a little shopping for Christmas. We talked and laughed the whole time, but something felt weird, wrong even. Ever since I “properly” accepted my homosexuality, there’s been a void in my relationship with my parents and other people I know. And it only seems to be getting worse as the days pass. It’s led to many awkward moments of silence when I zone out thinking about what they would think if they knew I was gay. I think my problem is that no one I know really knows! (say it fast, it’s more fun that way!)

After my appointment, we went to eat and attempted to go shopping. Christmas time is always the most dangerous time to be on the roads and it only gets worse as that special day approaches. People lose their minds at Christmas time! Buy, buy, buy! Hurry, hurry, hurry! Wrecks littered the roads. People were driving like complete asses. As always, it’s all about getting just one car ahead… even if that endangers everyone else on the road. No one else matters except for me anyway. How dare you drive the speed limit, use your turn signals, practice correct lane change procedures, not run a yellow light just as it’s turning to red, and not talk on your cell phone all while eating a hamburger, sipping a drink, messing with the radio and trying to discipline the bastard kids in the back of your rough and tumble off-road SUV!!!

Yeah, we did manage to slither our way through all the wrecks to go to a few stores but bought nothing. All that hassle for nothing. But, we did go to a music store to see if we could find a DVD on learning the guitar (yes, I’m trying to learn to play an acoustic guitar – so far I can strum all the strings!!). The instant I entered the store, one of the hot guys behind the counter started staring and smiling at me! He watched me the entire time I was in the store. But I was with my mom so I couldn’t really flirt back. Damn it!

By the way, the eye doctor said my eyes were in great shape! He said my eyes had changed very little even though it had been almost four years since I had had them checked. I’m at –2.50. (I love being nearsighted! Fuck seeing stuff off in the distance!) They changed so little he recommended that I not even get new glasses useless I just wanted to. I probably won’t either since I wear contacts most of the time.

Reflections: The High School Years

Finally having my classes end for the semester, I’ve had a little more time to just think, namely reflect back on my life. I may start a series of these (I went back and changed the Semester of Change post to this) – only time will tell – but today I’ll focus on my high school years. The greatest years of my life so far.

Coming out of my rather traumatic junior high years, high school was a time of rebirth and growth for me. I was at a different school. I was with new people. And I was shy.

But I had some of the greatest classmates anyone could ask for. They welcomed me in like I had been there for years. It was a shock to me that these people actually wanted to get to know me, wanted to be my friend. In junior high, that was anything but the case.

High school saw my popularity grow. Me, popular?! Who would have ever imagined that? Definitely not me! I started out as a nothing freshman, but as time passed, people began to notice me. People began to recognize me. People began to respect me. By my junior year, I had more power around that school than I realized.

It didn’t hurt that I did good on my work and would usually help anyone who didn’t get on my nerves. Not to brag but I graduated with a 4.0 and one of the highest ACT scores that school had ever seen (I had the highest math score from the school). I wasn’t a bookworm though. Hell no. But most of my classmates put me up on a pedestal as a genius and a goodie-goodie. I was neither. I just did all of my work and actually tried. That doesn’t qualify me as a genius. As for the ACT score, it’s a standardized test. If you can figure out the pattern, you can kick ass. But I guess you have to be kind of smart to figure them out. The goodie-goodie reputation was laughable to anyone who truly knew me. I cheated. I helped others cheat. I talked nothing but shit about people. I would cuss you out at the drop of a hat. I had extreme apathy for my school work. I never paid attention in class. Those who didn’t know me never had a clue about the way I was. They only thought I was a quiet nerd. They missed out!

I was really popular with the teachers too. They loved me! I caught on to things very quickly. I did all of my work. I was quiet in class (or so they thought, they just never caught me). I was their dream student. More than one teacher had told me that if they had a class full of mes they’re job would be almost too easy. And I never sucked up to them either. Honestly!

Being a tiny country school, the teachers and students got to know each other very well. We could all joke together and sometimes the teachers would just want to hang out with us during and even after class (we were their favorite class after all). Most of the teachers were very cool and laid back. But boy did they gossip! I saw it first hand too. I was a student worker for one teacher in particular my senior year. Damn! This woman did nothing but gossip about everyone. Teachers and students! I mean, she was all up in everybody’s business! Of special interest to her was everyone’s sex life! She would ask me and another girl who worked for her at the same time if we knew if anyone in our class had been sleeping around! What the fuck? Yeah, I always got the juicy info from N, but that’s really none of my business much less a teacher’s business! She was a sex freak anyway. Every chance she had to make something sexual, she took it. It was just sick at times. I sometimes wondered if she had something going on with some of the guys in the school. She sure was all touchy-feely with me on several occasions.

Clubs were my life in high school. I was in almost every club offered. I was even in an abstinence club! (Stop laughing! I always wondered how a gay person could practice abstinence since we can’t get married or pregnant – not that I ever thought of practicing it anyway.) My big dog clubs were Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) and Family, Career, and Community Leaders of America (FCCLA, formerly FHA – what can a gay boy say?). In both, I came SO close to qualifying for nationals in their respective events but never quite made it. FCCLA was my favorite out of the two and the one I was most active in. I held a local office for three years. I was even president my senior year, beating a very good friend of mine (AP) for the position by one vote. I’ll never forget the day my advisor broke the news to AP and me. We were both in shock. AP had actually talked me out of running for president and just taking vice president (in that case, we both would have gotten our office by default without a vote since no one else was running for them), but our advisor talked me back into running the day of the vote. I even think our advisor was shocked that I won! She didn’t think I was as popular as I was. But the girls loved me! They wanted me. That was my strength. If only they knew…

I met some really great friends in high school and had an awesome class. Most of us genuinely cared about each other. It was like we were a real family. I looked forward to going to school each day because I enjoyed being around my classmates. I loved high school and always hated the idea of graduating. That meant our family would be broken up! But life doesn’t always go along with my ideas and by the end of my senior year, I was ready to get out. Everything seemed to pile up at the end of the year which stressed me out big time. The long-standing tradition of an end-of-the-year FCCLA party, which I, as president, had to organize, didn’t help alleviate any of the stress (oddly this tradition ended after our extremely active class graduated – we kept this thing going each year because we wanted it and had the determination to get it done). So on May 13th, 2005, I walked the stage to receive my diploma. Friday, the 13th. Lucky us!

I never came out during high school. The thought of doing so never actually crossed my mind. I’ll be honest – I was still in denial about it even though in my heart I knew I really was gay. The funniest thing is that I graduated as the top student in my class and one of the most highly respected students – by students and faculty alike – in the entire school. Yes, me, the gay boy! Graduated top in my class from small Hickville High in a bigot-ridden southern dot on the map! When I graduated, everyone knew my name. They knew D. Knew who I was. Knew what I had done. Knew everything except for my dirty little secret. So as I stood on stage during graduation and accepted my diploma, I couldn’t help but smile as I knew the influences this gay boy had had on this redneck school. I couldn’t help but smile as I thought of all the fun times I had had. Of all the friends I had made. Of all the great memories I would keep forever.

I didn’t want to leave, but life moves on and I had to go with it. If I could go back, yes I would do a few things different. I would be little wilder and go out with my friends a little more often. I would probably come out too. It would be interesting to see how popular I would be then. I might be surprised though since a lot of people loved me.

But I wasn’t the only gay person in my class. We had a lesbian who graduated top in our class as well. We had four 4.0ers (out of 27 in the class) – three girls, one guy (that’s me!). Yes, two of us were gay! We were both in the closet, even to each other. Her secret was pretty much out though. Everyone knew even though she constantly denied it. But she had some problems, anger and depression problems. I tried to be her friend (she was actually a very distant relative of mine), but she was just too damn annoying. I couldn’t stand being around her for long since she oozed hate and anger and sucked the fun out of everything. You know Debbie Downer from SNL? That was this girl only with a really bad attitude! She always clung to me too for some reason. Maybe her gaydar worked better than mine and she knew the truth. I tried to avoid her as much as possible, but I felt bad for her at the same time since she clearly had some problems and almost no one liked her. Even though I guess I become “popular,” I still made a note to talk to those who everyone ignored and may not have gained popularity like I had. Most of them seemed happy to have someone from the “in crowd” come and hang with them for a while. Some other people would make comments about me doing that, but I didn’t care. I know what it’s like for them. I’ve been there. It’s not fun to be ignored and mocked.

I had my very own stalker in high school too! I felt so privileged! It all started toward the end of my junior year. My stalker was a girl from a neighboring high school. We had both qualified for the state literary rally and everyone in the whole parish rode together on a bus and stayed at the same hotel for the event. Well, she fell in love with me on the trip! On the way home, she told one of the cool teachers from my school that she had a crush on me and the teacher then told me. It all made sense then! She had strangely hung around me a lot during the trip – following my friend (AG) and me through the mall, asking to see my senior ring (but no one else’s from our school) and wanting to play cards (Rook baby!) with the group from our school even though she didn’t know how to play. Anyway, I didn’t know what to do (is it really a surprise to anyone at this point that I didn’t know what to do?). I thought about talking to her then maybe breaking it off later if she really fell for me. Or maybe being an ass to her and hoping that she was turned off by that (I’m too nice of a guy to do that though). Or just ignoring her and hoping she would go away. Yeah, I went with the last option. It didn’t work! She started coming to all of our school’s home basketball games looking for me (I never went to any of them). She went to most of the extracurricular events I went to (for example, a district Beta meeting). It was kind of creepy. This bitch was determined though as she stalked me all through my senior year. She was probably at my graduation still wanting a piece of me! She probably still gets wet just thinking of me! (Isn’t that what girls do? I’m clueless when it comes to female stuff like that.) Why can’t I meet guys like that now? I should see if I can find her number and call her.

My high school years were awesome! I’m so glad I can look back today and laugh about all the amazing people I met and the great times I had. If only I had gotten laid back then! By a guy of course! Oh yeah! One in particular I would have loved to have had my way with! I did sleep with him on a school trip! =) Nothing happened though. =( But I did wake up the next morning with him all over on my side of the bed. There was another guy I would have loved to have tussled with under the sheets who I had my suspicions about. There was something about the way he looked into my eyes when we would talk. It was like he was trying to seduce me. I should have taken a swing at him to see what would have happened! I may have been surprised by the outcome! Anyway, he always came to me for advice and wanted to have one-on-one talks with me about life stuff. I was a year older than him but I’m not sure why he came to me for that. He was cute though so it didn’t bother me any!

For the longest time after I graduated, I missed high school like crazy. I couldn’t listen to Graduation/Friends Forever by Vitamin C without crying! It still chokes me up a little. But, I’ve moved on now. I realized I have a new adventure ahead of me that just may put the fun of high school to shame! I will never forget the friends I made and the great times I had in high school though. I couldn’t forget them even if I tried!

A Major Change

I haven’t done anything about the guy on the personals site. Still clueless about what to do, but that’s not what I want to talk about this time around.

I think I may change my major. I’m currently in physics but sickly behind. I’m in my second year and haven’t even taken most of the first year classes. I’ll be in college for another five years if I stay in this and I don’t want to waste my time and money doing that. So I’m thinking about changing to marketing. I’ve taken a lot of business electives, and I’m pretty much where I should be with it. Hell, I might even finish on time if I change to marketing. Plus, the business professors are so much more kick ass than the science professors are.

I’m not going to change my classes just yet. I’ll have to sleep on this for a few days. I made the mistake of not doing that last semester and got locked out of taking a much-needed class when I decided to change my major for all of one night. The classes I’ll need to change into have plenty of seats left, so there’s no big rush on that front.

Today, I planted another seed for getting an apartment near campus. I was talking with my mom about changing my major and the classes I would have to take, one being a night class. I gave her a good talk and I think I may have some hope. It all hinges on my parents giving the okay. Next Monday, my mom and I are going to the eye doctor. See opportunity to check out some apartments. I can’t even express in words how much I would love to move out of my parents’ house. I would turn into the biggest slut. Just kidding, I can’t really see myself doing that. But in high school, I never saw myself going to the college I’m at right now. So…

If I could secure an apartment, I would definitely email that guy. I’ll have to see what happens though.

What To Do

I don’t know what to do. I’ve found a cute older guy – 13 years older than I am – on a dating site. Age isn’t the problem. I’ve always had a thing for older guys. The problem is I’m scared.

There, I said it. I’m scared.

He seems like a nice, fun guy, and his profile says he’s open to anyone around my age. But, I’m not sure what to do. I want to shoot him an email seeing if he wants to hook up sometime, but what if he says yes? What will I do? I’ve never been on a date with anyone (sad, huh?). Plus, there’s the whole not being out to anyone ordeal, which combined with living with my parents (he would probably be turned off by that anyway – I would if I were him) would make going out with him – if that were to happen – insanely difficult. How would I explain to my parents that I’m going out – the kid that has almost no social life and never just goes out for a night on the town – with an older man and may just spend the night with him? Lies will only last so long before the holes start showing.

I’m scared, because I don’t know what would happen. I don’t know how it would all work out. It’s all an unknown to me. And I don’t like unknowns. But something in my heart is telling me to give it a go. What if this is the man I’m meant to meet and fall in love with? But I wouldn’t know love if it snuck up behind me and tackled me. I'm just so damn confused now.

I don't know what to do. I want to, but I'm not sure if I should. It's like in the cartoons where the devil and the angel appear on each shoulder respectively. Something's telling me to have some balls and do it. But something's also telling me not to, that it's too risky right now. I don't know. At some point, I have to do something. I'm just not sure if this is the point to do it.

Reflections: Fall 2006 – A Semester Of Change

Looking back over this semester, it’s amazing how much I’ve changed. I created this blog the Sunday before classes started and looking over my early posts it’s clear there’s a difference. In my writing. In my mood. In my personality. In the way I think. I am not the same person I was four short months ago.

A lot has happened this semester and in the weeks leading up to it. Things that, while very difficult at the time, have turned me into a much different and, for the most part, better person. The most influential thing that happened actually took place in the weeks just before the semester started. Depression. Deep, deep depression. That awful, crushing depression I experienced made me much stronger and laid the foundation for the changes that were coming my way. It made me realize who I am. That I had to embrace who I am – had to embrace that I am gay – and not be ashamed of myself. It took me 19 years to figure that out. Battling off such an overwhelming depression wasn’t an easy task, but that alone showed me that I had the inner strength to do whatever I set my mind to. After the depression hit, I figured I would have to get drugs to make it go away or just deal with it for the rest of my life. I did neither. It is gone now. I feel stupid crediting depression for shaping me into a better person, but it really was a big part of it.

Of course, depression isn’t the only thing that helped facilitate the change. This blog played a huge role as well. Never before had I been able to vent my feelings, frustrations, past trauma or whatever. I had nobody I felt I could talk to about most of the stuff in my life. I had so much shit pent up inside of me that I had never let out before. It never mattered that only a couple of people even read this. I’ve unloaded my guts here and it feels great to have done so.

It amazes me how much I’ve changed and the short amount of time in which it took place. To show how extreme and sudden some of the changes were, I went from leaning toward being a conservative republican before the semester began to relating closely with liberal democrats almost within the span of a single day. How’s that for a big change?

As for my social life, well… not much has changed in that department. I met one person this semester who I became friends with – K – but towards the end of the semester we started to drift apart it seemed. I would say we’re still friends just not as close as we were earlier. Oh well. I’ve still got several more years of college to develop a social life.

Will SlyD ever get any ass? Will he turn into a whore? Will he ever see the guy in his history class again? Will he find the love of his life? Will he ever come out of the closet? What will everyone’s reaction be? Tune in next semester to find out! On… the Misadventures of SlyD!!

College really is all about figuring yourself out. And I’ve done just that… so can I quit now?

Finals Week

Why is it that every time finals roll around the weather suddenly turns wet and dreary? It really helps the mood.

My last final is Thursday then I’m through till the middle of January when I have to start all over again with new, harder classes. Whoopee! I can’t wait!

Wish me luck on my finals! I’ll need all the luck I can get for my history final tomorrow. I haven’t been able to study much (sometimes I seriously think I have ADD), but I feel oddly confident about the test.

I’ll try to post something else tomorrow after I get the burden of my history final off my shoulders (the rest of them are no sweat). After finals are over, a few shockwaves may rock our household but only time will really tell.

Weird Things About Me You May Or May Not Care To Know

It’s late. I’m tired but can’t sleep. So what pops into my head? Well nothing at first but eventually I start thinking about all the things that make me weird (or should I just say unique). Here goes…

1. I’m an ambidextrous freak. I write left-handed so I guess that qualifies me as a lefty. But, that and eating are about the only things I do with my left hand. For the rest of life’s activities, I’m right-handed. Throw. Bat. Guitar. Scissors. You name it, most likely I do it or use it with my right hand instead of my left. I even sit in right-handed desks in class. I’ve still got the left-handed thinking though. I usually see things differently than the rest of my righty family (oddly enough that applies to politics as well).

2. Standing with my arms relaxed, my right arm naturally hangs close to my side while the left hangs farther away from my body.

3. I can cross all of my fingers on one hand simultaneously and without help from my other hand – index with middle, ring with pinky. I can even do this with both hands at the same time. Check me out! I have never met anyone else who can do this.

4. When I was young, a lady who lived just up the road died in a freak car accident in Dallas. I didn’t know her very well, but this traumatized me. It left me deathly afraid of cars and driving. It affected me so greatly that I would (and still do to a lesser degree) worry about my parents getting into a wreck whenever they went somewhere without me. If they were gone longer than they said they would, I expected the worst. And when I was getting to the age when I could take driver’s ed, I was still scared to drive and had actually never driven a car on the road (and never had much of a desire to do so either). I ended up taking driver’s ed when I was 16, a year after most people my age did. I drove a car on the road for the first time the day before the actual driving portion of the course. I did fine though as the fear from my childhood made me a very cautious driver. I no longer fear driving, but to this day whenever I ride with someone in their car especially in the backseat, I have to constantly look ahead at what’s going on. I don’t have to drive, but I can’t simply sit back and enjoy riding with someone else. I’m always on alert. I’m getting better about it though as the years pass. And to think I’m obsessed with cars now…

5. I once had a nice ass, got several complements from girls. Only problem was that it was accompanied by a sizable belly and flabby arms and legs. When those decided to move out, the ass went with them and only remnants of the belly remained. Why the ass had to go is beyond me. I miss it.

6. I talk to myself when I’m in my car alone. I’ll talk about anything – my life, my friends, my family, my crushes, my classes, my future, other drivers, other drivers’ cars, people’s houses, music, or whatever pops into my mind. Sad part is I frequently crack myself up. Yes, I laugh at myself. While I’m talking to myself. But give me a break. It gets boring being in a car alone for 2 hours each day. I’ve got to entertain myself somehow so I don’t drift off into a daze. Music gets old – radio stations play the same shit over and over to the point that I want to crash my car into a pole just so it will stop (my luck the radio would still be playing) and I’ve listened to all my CDs a million times. I can’t jerk it while I’m driving (or at least I’m not going to try). There’s usually no one to call – most of my friends are in class, at work or still asleep (lazy asses!) during my drive. Listening to road noise grows tiring. And going to sleep just isn’t an option. So that leaves talking to myself. Yep… I’m a nut case.

Well, that’s all my drained mind can come up with. I’m sure there’s more, but these will have to do for now. You probably think I’m a psycho freak. I’m not. I’m just very disturbed. ;-)

…and tired.

I’m going to bed now.

[EDIT: I'll admit I saw this on other blogs but dismissed doing it at the time. Sleepless at 12 in the morning, it came into my mind and I decided to do it. I didn't start with a certain number in mind. It just so happens I stopped with the oh-so-popular six. - SlyD]

Moving N

I miss understood N the other day. She’s leaving after this semester! The semester that ends TOMORROW!! Not after the fall 2007 semester like I thought she meant.

When she told me this, she jokingly said not to cry. But I was on the verge of it!! I just gave her a warm smile then looked away as tears actually did start to form in my eyes. I fought them off however.

I won’t see her near as often as I have or would like to. But I guess it’s good for her. She’ll be going to the college she actually should have started at, and she’ll get away from AP and AG and their friends (they’re driving her insane). I hope she’s not wanting to get away from me, too. That, thankfully, doesn’t seem to be the case though.

I really will miss N. Words can’t describe how much I’ll miss her. She’s always been there to give me a word of encouragement or knock some reality back into me when I talk about doing crazy shit. I’ll definitely have to visit her after she moves especially since she’s moving in with my other best friend from high school, NH. N and NH were like sisters in high school; I was like their brother. We just had a happy little family going on!

I’ll have to take N up on that offer for her to bring me out to the movies after she gets all moved in next semester. She always goes to see the good movies, not just the chick-flicks. That’s my kind of girl! Plus, she loves to travel, sit and talk, just take a stroll, ride roller coasters, drive cars, stay up late, have fun, and talk shit. If only I was straight, my dream girl would be sitting right in front of me! But I’m not, so she just has to settle with being the greatest friend ever.

Views From The Closet

I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever be able to come out to my parents. The right moment seems like it will never come. There’s always something going on with my parents – one or both of them – that signals that today is not the day. I want to make it as easiest as possible for them (and me), so I want to avoid times when they’re really stressed out. But that’s all the time, every fucking day.

I’m still unsure how it will go. I’m the more happy-go-luck of their two children. Even though I can be a sarcastic bitch at times, I can generally get them to smile and laugh. I seem to have a way of lightening the mood. I’m hoping this helps and that I can use it to make things go more smoothly. If things drift into an argument (which I can see happening), I’m armed and ready for that. I have plenty of experience from the many arguments (heated debates sounds better doesn’t it?) that my dad and I have engaged in. He knows I’m good at it and can usually leave him speechless. I have a way of dusting off old hypocritical things my dad has said to use against him in an argument. It’s very effective. They don’t give me enough credit.

I just hope it goes well whenever it happens. I hope it doesn’t have any foul consequences due to me revealing a part of myself to them that I never have before. If anything, they should be proud I’m telling them and be proud of the son they raised no matter who he is attracted to. I think I turned out pretty good. I’m a nice, respectful guy. I’m considerate of others. I’m smart. I’m fairly confident and have set goals for my life. I’m just a regular human being who just happens to be gay.

A Little Bit Of Everything

Finals week is approaching – next week – and it looks like I’m going into it with very good standing. Most classes, I can bomb the final and still make an A. In fact, this semester may be the first (and probably last) time I get a 4.0! At the beginning, I never imagined that. My life was a wreck, and concentration was something I didn’t possess. I expected this semester to be the worst so far.

But, I picked my shit up and made my way through it. I hate what I went through, but looking back, it’s made me a better person in so many ways. I had my own little Enlightenment in my life this semester.

-- -- -- -- --

My brother will be getting a new vehicle this week or next – a Jeep. How gay is that? He’s trading his V8 truck in for a V6 Jeep?! What the fuck is wrong with him?

I’m just kidding. I actually like the new Jeeps but wouldn’t really care to own one and use it as a daily driver like he will. Oh well. I’ve got my car so it doesn’t matter.

I did see a list of the gayest vehicles one time and the Jeep was on it. That I’m not kidding about. I’ve always had my suspicions anyway… =)

-- -- -- -- --

Yeah, the traffic camera job... it didn’t work out. I would have had to work random shifts which would be impossible to do and go to college at the same time. So, I’ve got to look elsewhere.

I need a job soon though, so I can pay off my loan quicker (surprised I even got a loan without having a job). Plus, I seem to have developed a bad shopping habit. Just about an hour ago, I went to Target and spent almost $50… and that’s not the first time it’s happened. I guess I suddenly realized I had a little bit of money and could spend it. I need to stop before I go broke!

-- -- -- -- --

It’s kind of strange and frustrating how my dad acts sometimes. Just this past Sunday, I drove my truck to church, and my parents had to ride back with me.

My dad and I went to the truck after church was over and waited for my mom to come out (she has to talk to everyone). I was in a hurry since the sermon ran late (and boring) and I had a million things to do before I went to bed.

The truck has a bench seat. My dad was sitting on the passenger side, and I was, of course, behind the wheel. My mom finally comes out, and I tell my dad to just move over on the seat so she can get in. He says no and that that wouldn’t look right. What the fuck? Homophobe. You’re afraid to sit by your own damn son because it may not “look right”? That, my friends, is sad.

This isn’t the first time this has happened either. The roles have been reversed where I was the one moving over. Despite his objections to that, I did it anyway. I don’t care what other people think, especially people I don’t know and probably never will know. Someone is not very secure with their own sexuality.

But on this occasion, it was at night and out in the country (the others were in the daytime and in the city in my dad’s truck). We met maybe two or three other vehicles on the way home. Besides, it’s not easy to see inside most vehicles you meet on the highway at night anyway.

He needs to get over himself and stopping worrying about shit like that. I wonder if he does this at work too when all the guys have to ride together in a truck. That would make it even worse if he didn’t – worrying about sitting too close to his son almost 35 years his junior rather than sitting close to horny men around his age. Which is gayer? I bet he’ll be floored when I come out unless this whole situation came about because he already knows the truth.

Reunited

After over three months, I finally went to visit my friends at their apartment. I feel bad that it’s been that long. I really do. But, I had to get away and be alone for a while to figure myself out.

In three months, few things have change with them. It’s me who has changed. N has a new car, but other than that, she’s the same old know-me-like-the-back-of-her-hand N. We resumed our close bond like we never were apart. If I were straight, N would be the girl I was after. Not because she has money and looks smokin’ all the time but because of the amazing relationship we have with each other (that begs the question of would it be any different if I was straight… probably would be). I think we were somehow separated at birth… not sure how to explain how she turned out black and me white though. AP has moved up even higher at her job, and she’s still as fun as ever to be around (she said she felt like she didn’t even know me anymore since it’s been so long). AG hasn’t changed a bit. Still a dork.

They may not have noticed, but I have changed a great deal since I last visited them. It’s usually not noticeable at first. My personality, attitude, confidence, self-esteem, self-image, and general outlook on life have changed. All within about three months. But on the surface, I’m still the same. N probably noticed. AP and AG didn’t – they don’t know me like N does to notice a change.

Back to N and me, I have to say I love N. Not in a romantic way but as a friend. Just being around her makes me feel better. I feel comfortable just being myself and talking about or doing anything even though I never have come out to her (probably don’t need to – she can read my mind). It kind of scares me knowing she will be moving to a different college after next fall. I may lose the greatest friend I’ve ever had.

Anyway, N and I talked about going out to celebrate the end of the semester. We’ve made plans to do something similar in the past, but nothing ever happened. Hopefully, we can make this happen.

I regret ever ditching my friends just to be alone, but nobody makes the right decisions all the time. I’ve learned never to leave your friends behind and found out how great my friends really are. Even though they can get on my nerves at times (well not N), they are some of the greatest people I have met in my life. I hope I never lose them. I don’t know what I would do if I did.

Not Today

Nothing happened. I probably would have if it weren’t for all the bitching. My parents – both of them – have done nothing but bitch all fucking day long. And it’s about to drive me crazy. My mom’s still on her emotional tirade (how long does PMS last?), busting out with tears at random times and going from happy-go-lucky to down in the dumps in two seconds. I think she’s on the verge of an emotional breakdown. I try to cheer her up, but the constant bitchfest coming from her pushes me away. I love her, but she lets people push her over too easily. She never stands up for herself. And, she takes it out on us with nonstop bitching, crying, and moping around the house. It makes me want to scream and beat my head on the wall.

So, today wasn’t really the day after all. Tomorrow, I don’t know. I’m going to try to be gone most of the day (see escape the bitching). If my cousins are home, I’ll probably go visit them. It’s been a while since I’ve hung out with them anyway. Hell, I may just drive around to waste time. Almost anything’s better than being subjected to the bitching at home. The desire to move out has never been stronger.

The Day

I think today may be the day. I'll keep you posted if anything happens (if I'm not thrown out of the house). I hope everything goes well if I do spill my guts. I'm scared to death, because I woke up this morning with the feeling that today was just the day. Maybe it is and I can get this shit off my chest.