I think my friends have officially ditched me. I still haven’t heard from them, and I’m not about to call them. I guess I’m just testing our friendship. It’s sad that I feel I have to do that, even sadder that they’re failing the test.
No new friends yet (I’m working on it). I met a girl in one of my classes that always sits by me, a person she doesn’t know, despite the fact that there are others she knows in the class. She’s not the type of person I would normally hang around though, so there’s not much conversing between us. I still have my little thing for the guy in my history class. One of these days I’m just going to have to talk to him. I can’t let him slip away without me at least getting to know him some (and finding out if he’s gay or not – my guess would be he is). He seems really shy like me. I’ve noticed he never talks to anyone else in class and usually is sitting by himself. Maybe I could fill one of those empty seats by him one day.
But, I’m growing sick of my classes already. I’ve had the first round of tests come and go over the past two weeks. My apathy toward them almost scares me. I think I did good on all of them except for one though (edit: I did good on it too – a B, much better than I expected).
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Friday, September 22, 2006
The New D
Well, I’m slipping back down into my depression. I’ve been looking online to see if I could find any other gay guys at my college or at least in the area. I did, but none of them would probably want anything to do with me. They’re all buff and beautiful. And me… well I’m just a plain old guy. They seem to have tons of friends… I have almost none. They seem like tons of fun… everybody thinks I’m just boring (but most people haven’t ridden in my car with me in town – scary but at the same time very entertaining). They seem to be everyone’s dream guy… no one would ever dream of me (unless it’s a nightmare).
But that could all be a show. You can make a lot of things appear to be much different on the internet than how they really are.
As for my lack of friends, I’ve found that the people I really thought were my friends may not actually be. For most of the past month since classes started back, I’ve been going over to their apartment about twice a week. This past week I didn’t go at all. I heard nothing from them. No calls to see what I’m doing or where I’m at. Nothing. Had the situation been reversed, I would have called them at least once to see what was up. Obviously, I care about them more than they care about me.
I’ve got to get more friends… meet new people… find a boyfriend who is committed to me… break out of my shell… have fun. And I’ve realized no one can do this for me. I sit thinking a lot about how much my life sucks compared to others and thinking about how my life would be so much better if I had this or did that. But nobody and nothing is going to change my life for me. I have to change my life. And damn it if I’m not going to do just that. I broke out of my shell and changed my life for the better in high school, and I’m going to do it again in college. It took me two years in high school to do that and this is my second year in college. I know the place. I don’t know the people. But that is going to change. The new D is coming. Just give me time. I can’t keep sitting in this rut I’m in. College is supposed to be about finding out who you really are. I’ve found out. Now, I just need to learn how to be who I really am. And that includes changing my life, changing things engrained so deeply into my mind they seem like they will never change. I can’t be shy any longer. I’ve got to break through the thick wall my mind puts up when I’m around new people. That is the first step, the first step in becoming the new D.
But that could all be a show. You can make a lot of things appear to be much different on the internet than how they really are.
As for my lack of friends, I’ve found that the people I really thought were my friends may not actually be. For most of the past month since classes started back, I’ve been going over to their apartment about twice a week. This past week I didn’t go at all. I heard nothing from them. No calls to see what I’m doing or where I’m at. Nothing. Had the situation been reversed, I would have called them at least once to see what was up. Obviously, I care about them more than they care about me.
I’ve got to get more friends… meet new people… find a boyfriend who is committed to me… break out of my shell… have fun. And I’ve realized no one can do this for me. I sit thinking a lot about how much my life sucks compared to others and thinking about how my life would be so much better if I had this or did that. But nobody and nothing is going to change my life for me. I have to change my life. And damn it if I’m not going to do just that. I broke out of my shell and changed my life for the better in high school, and I’m going to do it again in college. It took me two years in high school to do that and this is my second year in college. I know the place. I don’t know the people. But that is going to change. The new D is coming. Just give me time. I can’t keep sitting in this rut I’m in. College is supposed to be about finding out who you really are. I’ve found out. Now, I just need to learn how to be who I really am. And that includes changing my life, changing things engrained so deeply into my mind they seem like they will never change. I can’t be shy any longer. I’ve got to break through the thick wall my mind puts up when I’m around new people. That is the first step, the first step in becoming the new D.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Umm...
I’m drawing a blank today. My mind is numb. I need to be reading for a test I have next week, but it would be that mindless-not-even-paying-attention-while-I’m-reading reading. You know, the type where when you’re done you don’t even know what you just read. I hate that.
-- -- -- -- --
I’m thinking about joining the Gay-Straight Alliance – or whatever the hell they call it – on campus mainly to meet some other people who are “suffering from the same evil disease.” It’s not a big group from what I understand but this isn’t a big college.
By the way, I was informed by one of my professors the other day that the average age of a student here is around 27. 27! I was like “Shit, I need to either go to another college or go after a sugar daddy!”.
It kind of sucks going to a small college. The pickings are slim and most are either withered on the vine or have too many blemishes to be worth grabbing. Besides, I can’t whore myself out… yet. Just kidding but I probably will be a little more open after my brother graduates at the end of this semester and most of my gossiping friends leave after the spring (I will miss N though). So I’ll be all alone… not. I’m gonna meet some new friends… gay friends. And if they’re not gay, I’ll make their asses gay.
-- -- -- -- --
I can’t help but to wonder sometimes if my brother is gay too (that would do a double whammy on my parents). He’s more of the pretty-boy type than I am. Plus, he seems to have this strange obsession with clothes shopping (I have a strange obsession with vehicle shopping but that’s irrelevant).
When we were young, I would always want to play or wrestle. Well, he didn’t even want me touching him. Insecurities, maybe? Plus, he brings the I-don’t-want-to-touch-that mentality to a new level. There have been many occasions where he didn’t want to touch something and I wanted to just say “Here let me get it, you little faggot!”. But we don’t say that kind of stuff around our house and even though we’re both adults now, he would probably still rat me out to my parents (sad, isn’t it?). They would gripe at me over it. I would get pissed. I would say more things for them to gripe at me about (I need to move out... for the health of my mind and social life). The worst thing is that my brother is older than I am. And I would never even think of ratting him out on shit like that. Isn’t that what brothers do anyway?
I know that got a little off-topic and what was on-topic probably didn’t make any sense. But it’s just how he carries himself sometimes.
Plus, he had this strange relationship with this girl recently. It was very short-lived and seemed to be more of a look-I’m-dating-a-girl-I-can’t-be-gay sort of thing than a serious relationship. It was very suspicious.
I know my brother thinks very similar to me (though he would never admit it). I see in him a lot of the things I do to cover up. I may just be reading them wrong though because our personalities are pretty much polar opposites. Most people think we are just alike though – they just don’t know us well enough. We usually act the same around people we don’t know, but the similarities end after that. It’s strange because sometimes we will ‘compare notes’ on how we act. It shows just how much we actually are alike and how completely different we are.
-- -- -- -- --
I’m thinking about joining the Gay-Straight Alliance – or whatever the hell they call it – on campus mainly to meet some other people who are “suffering from the same evil disease.” It’s not a big group from what I understand but this isn’t a big college.
By the way, I was informed by one of my professors the other day that the average age of a student here is around 27. 27! I was like “Shit, I need to either go to another college or go after a sugar daddy!”.
It kind of sucks going to a small college. The pickings are slim and most are either withered on the vine or have too many blemishes to be worth grabbing. Besides, I can’t whore myself out… yet. Just kidding but I probably will be a little more open after my brother graduates at the end of this semester and most of my gossiping friends leave after the spring (I will miss N though). So I’ll be all alone… not. I’m gonna meet some new friends… gay friends. And if they’re not gay, I’ll make their asses gay.
-- -- -- -- --
I can’t help but to wonder sometimes if my brother is gay too (that would do a double whammy on my parents). He’s more of the pretty-boy type than I am. Plus, he seems to have this strange obsession with clothes shopping (I have a strange obsession with vehicle shopping but that’s irrelevant).
When we were young, I would always want to play or wrestle. Well, he didn’t even want me touching him. Insecurities, maybe? Plus, he brings the I-don’t-want-to-touch-that mentality to a new level. There have been many occasions where he didn’t want to touch something and I wanted to just say “Here let me get it, you little faggot!”. But we don’t say that kind of stuff around our house and even though we’re both adults now, he would probably still rat me out to my parents (sad, isn’t it?). They would gripe at me over it. I would get pissed. I would say more things for them to gripe at me about (I need to move out... for the health of my mind and social life). The worst thing is that my brother is older than I am. And I would never even think of ratting him out on shit like that. Isn’t that what brothers do anyway?
I know that got a little off-topic and what was on-topic probably didn’t make any sense. But it’s just how he carries himself sometimes.
Plus, he had this strange relationship with this girl recently. It was very short-lived and seemed to be more of a look-I’m-dating-a-girl-I-can’t-be-gay sort of thing than a serious relationship. It was very suspicious.
I know my brother thinks very similar to me (though he would never admit it). I see in him a lot of the things I do to cover up. I may just be reading them wrong though because our personalities are pretty much polar opposites. Most people think we are just alike though – they just don’t know us well enough. We usually act the same around people we don’t know, but the similarities end after that. It’s strange because sometimes we will ‘compare notes’ on how we act. It shows just how much we actually are alike and how completely different we are.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Random Thoughts
--- I realized yesterday that I do kind of like to shop. It’s the dishing over the money part that I don’t like (of course the other option is just stealing it but I think I’ll pass on that one for now). And, I’m bad about liking something in the store then getting home and hating it. Like the belt I got. It looked fine in the store then I got home and decided it just wasn’t me.
--- Carrying on the “it just wasn’t me” theme, I’ve realized I have imprisoned myself by what others expect of me. I was looking at some shirts that I liked but knew that no one would expect me to wear something like that. I didn’t get them. Most people seem to expect me to be this good little young man who never does wrong, never says or thinks bad things about others, never cusses (ha!) and never stands out much (but can definitely impress). That’s a lot of impossible expectations to fill coming from a lot of people. So many people expect so much out of me that I feel if I were true to myself they would be disappointed.
I think part of my secretiveness has its roots in that. I’m afraid to completely reveal myself because someone may see I’m not what they expect me to be. Yes, I’ve revealed a lot about myself on here, but no one is reading this. No one to be disappointed with me. And it’s strange when I finally meet a new friend. I’m confused about who to be. The person people expect me to be or the person I really am?
I really need to stop all this shit and just be myself. Fuck what people expect of me. But it’s hard to stop after being conditioned to do so my entire life.
--- Yesterday was the best day I’ve had in a long time. I just felt great about myself, plus I liked what I saw in the mirror… sexy beast.
--- I’ve been thinking about where I will move to after I graduate (because I am moving – I hate it here). I never thought I would say this but at this point, I’m seriously thinking about leaving the South. I’m growing sick of all the bigotry, constant racism (from all races), and corruption here. The only places in the South that appeal to me are Dallas/ Fort Worth, San Antonio and Orlando.
--- I’m a damn good cook when I want to be. I can’t cook much but what I can cook is always the best. My cooking skills only extend as far as tacos, pizzas, pizza/cheese sticks, mac & cheese, and grilled cheese sandwiches. Notice all these things have one thing in common? Cheese! I love it.
--- Lately, I’ve been cutting back on what I eat and have been doing a few exercises to help me shape up a little and lose some weight. I’ve lost five pounds in the past two weeks and got my arms looking a little less scrawny. I’m still working on my abs (they need a lot of work). I need to just join a gym somewhere.
--- My confidence in myself seems to be doing nothing but going up. Just the other day, I was walking to my car to leave campus and noticed that as I was walking I had my head held high. I was like “Wow I’m proud of me! I haven’t looked at the ground yet!”.
--- I love the song London Bridge by Fergie (I know, I know…). I can’t help but animatedly sing along with it in my car when it comes on the radio. Anyone in front of me, behind me or meeting me probably thinks I’m crazy… and they would be correct.
--- I want to go somewhere for fall break this year. I don’t know where but I doubt I’ll go anyway since I would probably be going alone. And how much fun is that? I can only entertain myself for so long… my dick starts hurting.
--- Random Words – cup, sing, brake, eight, catalog, over, uncontrolled, board
--- Carrying on the “it just wasn’t me” theme, I’ve realized I have imprisoned myself by what others expect of me. I was looking at some shirts that I liked but knew that no one would expect me to wear something like that. I didn’t get them. Most people seem to expect me to be this good little young man who never does wrong, never says or thinks bad things about others, never cusses (ha!) and never stands out much (but can definitely impress). That’s a lot of impossible expectations to fill coming from a lot of people. So many people expect so much out of me that I feel if I were true to myself they would be disappointed.
I think part of my secretiveness has its roots in that. I’m afraid to completely reveal myself because someone may see I’m not what they expect me to be. Yes, I’ve revealed a lot about myself on here, but no one is reading this. No one to be disappointed with me. And it’s strange when I finally meet a new friend. I’m confused about who to be. The person people expect me to be or the person I really am?
I really need to stop all this shit and just be myself. Fuck what people expect of me. But it’s hard to stop after being conditioned to do so my entire life.
--- Yesterday was the best day I’ve had in a long time. I just felt great about myself, plus I liked what I saw in the mirror… sexy beast.
--- I’ve been thinking about where I will move to after I graduate (because I am moving – I hate it here). I never thought I would say this but at this point, I’m seriously thinking about leaving the South. I’m growing sick of all the bigotry, constant racism (from all races), and corruption here. The only places in the South that appeal to me are Dallas/ Fort Worth, San Antonio and Orlando.
--- I’m a damn good cook when I want to be. I can’t cook much but what I can cook is always the best. My cooking skills only extend as far as tacos, pizzas, pizza/cheese sticks, mac & cheese, and grilled cheese sandwiches. Notice all these things have one thing in common? Cheese! I love it.
--- Lately, I’ve been cutting back on what I eat and have been doing a few exercises to help me shape up a little and lose some weight. I’ve lost five pounds in the past two weeks and got my arms looking a little less scrawny. I’m still working on my abs (they need a lot of work). I need to just join a gym somewhere.
--- My confidence in myself seems to be doing nothing but going up. Just the other day, I was walking to my car to leave campus and noticed that as I was walking I had my head held high. I was like “Wow I’m proud of me! I haven’t looked at the ground yet!”.
--- I love the song London Bridge by Fergie (I know, I know…). I can’t help but animatedly sing along with it in my car when it comes on the radio. Anyone in front of me, behind me or meeting me probably thinks I’m crazy… and they would be correct.
--- I want to go somewhere for fall break this year. I don’t know where but I doubt I’ll go anyway since I would probably be going alone. And how much fun is that? I can only entertain myself for so long… my dick starts hurting.
--- Random Words – cup, sing, brake, eight, catalog, over, uncontrolled, board
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Field Trip
One of my classes today took a field trip across campus to the computing services department. I’ve always loved field trips! The best were those in high school when we had to stay overnight and all the juicy stuff started happening… though walking in on two resident whores I called my friends isn’t exactly appealing as neither would be considered good looking – I still have nightmares about that. Despite that, field trips have always kicked ass.
But this one was boring… for the most part.
The guy, who had to be gay, babbled on with his computer-speak that I only understood bits and pieces of while I entertained my mind with how I could get in with the hot guy in my history class. Then, near the end of our exciting voyage, something happened that quickly got my attention and sparked my interest.
In walks this cute, sexy and obviously gay guy that I assume works in the department.
My mouth dropped.
It was probably very clear what I thought of him. I couldn’t help but to stare at him for a few seconds until my shyness kicked in and my eyes shot to the ground. I was trying to hold back a boner as my cock began twitching a little when he came in. I threw a few glances his way every now and then and even caught him staring at me one time.
I couldn’t believe it.
I need to check on a job in computing services… immediately.
But this one was boring… for the most part.
The guy, who had to be gay, babbled on with his computer-speak that I only understood bits and pieces of while I entertained my mind with how I could get in with the hot guy in my history class. Then, near the end of our exciting voyage, something happened that quickly got my attention and sparked my interest.
In walks this cute, sexy and obviously gay guy that I assume works in the department.
My mouth dropped.
It was probably very clear what I thought of him. I couldn’t help but to stare at him for a few seconds until my shyness kicked in and my eyes shot to the ground. I was trying to hold back a boner as my cock began twitching a little when he came in. I threw a few glances his way every now and then and even caught him staring at me one time.
I couldn’t believe it.
I need to check on a job in computing services… immediately.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
It Really Is Sad
This morning my mom was talking about some of the kids in her class and another teacher's class. She was saying one kid in her class had a grandmother who was a lesbian and another teacher had a kid with lesbian parents. She went on to say how sad that is.
I wanted to say to: "Is it really that sad? Cause your own son is gay."
But I didn't.
I don't have the balls to say that yet. I've always thought of himself as a strong person who can usually tell-it-like-it-is (unless I'm having a streak of shyness). But this issue has got me down. I can't get over it and I can't muster up the courage to tell anyone.
I know I keep bringing this topic up over and over again, but it's something that's had me very preoccupied lately. It always seems to wander into my mind no matter what I'm doing. Since I finally accepted that I am actually gay (this is a fairly recent thing too even though I always knew I was gay - I had just never completely accepted it), I've felt an overwhelming need to tell everyone. To finally break down and be who I really am and stop putting on an act for the world.
I wanted to say to: "Is it really that sad? Cause your own son is gay."
But I didn't.
I don't have the balls to say that yet. I've always thought of himself as a strong person who can usually tell-it-like-it-is (unless I'm having a streak of shyness). But this issue has got me down. I can't get over it and I can't muster up the courage to tell anyone.
I know I keep bringing this topic up over and over again, but it's something that's had me very preoccupied lately. It always seems to wander into my mind no matter what I'm doing. Since I finally accepted that I am actually gay (this is a fairly recent thing too even though I always knew I was gay - I had just never completely accepted it), I've felt an overwhelming need to tell everyone. To finally break down and be who I really am and stop putting on an act for the world.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Me and My Dad
I sat down with my dad today to eat supper. Just me and him. It was before my mom had come home and he had cooked fish, French fries, and hushpuppies. Even though I didn’t like the fish he cooked, bream, and had already eaten, I decided I would at least eat a few fries and a hushpuppy or two.
The normal silence ensued.
It didn’t last too long though. It never does, but it’s always there at first. It’s like we both have to think hard to come up with something to talk to each other about. That’s how it’s always been.
The typical icebreaker concerning my car came from him. He talked about me trading my car in for a different one. I decided to shock him a little and change the subject since I’m honestly sick of hearing about a new car (even though I want one). I told him I wanted to go to my grandparent’s camp near a lake not too far from where we live. He said he’s been wanting to go for a while now and that my grandparents have been wanting us to go with them some weekend too. The conversation slowly died off as we talked about all the lakes in the area that the state is draining to get rid of some type of water plant (even though it doesn’t help any). I eventually got up and left him still eating.
My dad and I have never had the best relationship. We never had much in common, besides the fact that I looked and acted just like him, until my late teen years. I used to be afraid of him when I was young and we used to always argue over everything. I never could carry on a normal conversation with him. He also never had anything nice to say to me or about me. He was never the person I went to if I needed encouragement.
Now as we’ve both grown older, the arguments are very few and far between (they’re more debates now) and we’ve gained some common ground. I used to not even want to be around him, but I now I find myself enjoying just sitting out on the porch with him in the evening even if there’s little conversing. He’s still not a source of encouragement, but he has taught me many things, both directly and indirectly, that no one else could.
I know some gay guys blame their dad for their homosexuality. Even though our relationship wasn’t all that great for most of my life, I don’t blame him. I don’t blame anyone.
The normal silence ensued.
It didn’t last too long though. It never does, but it’s always there at first. It’s like we both have to think hard to come up with something to talk to each other about. That’s how it’s always been.
The typical icebreaker concerning my car came from him. He talked about me trading my car in for a different one. I decided to shock him a little and change the subject since I’m honestly sick of hearing about a new car (even though I want one). I told him I wanted to go to my grandparent’s camp near a lake not too far from where we live. He said he’s been wanting to go for a while now and that my grandparents have been wanting us to go with them some weekend too. The conversation slowly died off as we talked about all the lakes in the area that the state is draining to get rid of some type of water plant (even though it doesn’t help any). I eventually got up and left him still eating.
My dad and I have never had the best relationship. We never had much in common, besides the fact that I looked and acted just like him, until my late teen years. I used to be afraid of him when I was young and we used to always argue over everything. I never could carry on a normal conversation with him. He also never had anything nice to say to me or about me. He was never the person I went to if I needed encouragement.
Now as we’ve both grown older, the arguments are very few and far between (they’re more debates now) and we’ve gained some common ground. I used to not even want to be around him, but I now I find myself enjoying just sitting out on the porch with him in the evening even if there’s little conversing. He’s still not a source of encouragement, but he has taught me many things, both directly and indirectly, that no one else could.
I know some gay guys blame their dad for their homosexuality. Even though our relationship wasn’t all that great for most of my life, I don’t blame him. I don’t blame anyone.
The Man In Me Wanting Out
Lately, I’ve been wanting to do a lot more masculine things (don’t take that as meaning I’m feminine – I’m not).
I’ve wanted to work on my truck, but there’s nothing really wrong with it (and I honestly hopes it stays that way). I did check all the fluids Sunday and tightened the valve covers bolts (damn Chevy – I have to do this once a month to keep oil from pouring out of them) and header bolts Monday. Yesterday, I was determined to find the cause of a rattling noise around the transmission. I got under the truck to make sure the tranny mount was still on tight. It was. I was pulling myself around under the truck using anything I could grab. I grabbed the passenger-side exhaust pipe (gotta love true duals) and heard the rattling noise. Turns out it was a loose bolt on a bracket that holds the exhaust pipe up. A little bit of tightening and the noise is gone… for now. That damn truck sure is high maintenance, but I love it. Hearing the big V8 fire up gets my blood pumping. Feeling the entire truck shake when I rev it up. Hearing the 4-barrel carb screaming when I floor it. It’s all great even if it sucks gas like crazy… but that’s why they put two tanks on it. That’s also why I don’t drive it very often or very far away when I do drive it.
I’ve also been thinking about finally going fishing with my dad. He’s been trying to get me to go with him for months now. I’ve never been crazy about fishing. Everytime I go, the fish seem to know I’m there and swim away as far as they fucking can. I usually don’t catch a damn thing and get sick of it after about an hour. But I’m willing to give it yet another try. I could ask him about going Friday and just skip my one class that day. I think there may be different plans for this weekend though (see new car), but I won’t get my hopes up.
It’s not a bad thing that I’m wanting to do these masculine things (it’s much better than the nothing I’ve been doing lately). Being around all of the girl… female friends of mine most of the time, I need a good dose of manliness every now and then to keep me sane.
And yes, I am fighting the urge to drag that further, but I don’t want to come off as insanely horny. So I’ll just leave it at that.
I’ve wanted to work on my truck, but there’s nothing really wrong with it (and I honestly hopes it stays that way). I did check all the fluids Sunday and tightened the valve covers bolts (damn Chevy – I have to do this once a month to keep oil from pouring out of them) and header bolts Monday. Yesterday, I was determined to find the cause of a rattling noise around the transmission. I got under the truck to make sure the tranny mount was still on tight. It was. I was pulling myself around under the truck using anything I could grab. I grabbed the passenger-side exhaust pipe (gotta love true duals) and heard the rattling noise. Turns out it was a loose bolt on a bracket that holds the exhaust pipe up. A little bit of tightening and the noise is gone… for now. That damn truck sure is high maintenance, but I love it. Hearing the big V8 fire up gets my blood pumping. Feeling the entire truck shake when I rev it up. Hearing the 4-barrel carb screaming when I floor it. It’s all great even if it sucks gas like crazy… but that’s why they put two tanks on it. That’s also why I don’t drive it very often or very far away when I do drive it.
I’ve also been thinking about finally going fishing with my dad. He’s been trying to get me to go with him for months now. I’ve never been crazy about fishing. Everytime I go, the fish seem to know I’m there and swim away as far as they fucking can. I usually don’t catch a damn thing and get sick of it after about an hour. But I’m willing to give it yet another try. I could ask him about going Friday and just skip my one class that day. I think there may be different plans for this weekend though (see new car), but I won’t get my hopes up.
It’s not a bad thing that I’m wanting to do these masculine things (it’s much better than the nothing I’ve been doing lately). Being around all of the girl… female friends of mine most of the time, I need a good dose of manliness every now and then to keep me sane.
And yes, I am fighting the urge to drag that further, but I don’t want to come off as insanely horny. So I’ll just leave it at that.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
My World, Outted
“I live so many lives and lies that it's hard to keep up with who I am at the moment.”
I really have been doing A LOT of thinking lately. So much that I can barely concentrate on anything else (even driving – yes I need some serious help). I’ve thought about all the lies I’ve been living throughout my life and how hard it is to keep them going. It’s really tiring constantly living a lie. Wondering if anybody has caught on to me yet. Always analyzing everything and “watching where I step.” That’s how my mind works though. It’s always analyzing or strategizing. Working out the pros and cons of this or that. Figuring out what someone would do/say if I did a certain thing. Planning a way to get something done without it being too obvious I orchestrated it. Finding a way to approach and resolve a problem in my life. My mind never rests.
But, what would happen if I stepped out of the closet?
I don’t think it would pleasant. I don’t see how it could be.
My parents would FREAK OUT! They would probably yank me out of college and send me off to one of those homosexuality-curing camps (ha!). But not before sitting me down and feeding me all kinds of bullshit about how being gay is wrong and how I shouldn’t have “chosen” to be gay. They would never understand that I didn’t choose to be gay. After coming back from said camp, I would never be able to leave their eyes because they would be afraid I might go off and get poked even if I played like I was “cured.” My computer would be taken away along with my car (all of which they mostly paid for so I couldn’t protest much). Then, I would be shackled to a wall in our nonexistent basement and brought three meals a day. I would never see the outside world again.
However, my friends would probably be fine with it. Their thoughts would be something along these lines: “Yeah okay, anything we don’t know that you want to tell us?”. I know N would be cool with it. Hell, she would probably be happy and be like “let’s go shopping then!!!” to which I would have to break the news that not all gay guys love to shop (even though I would probably go with her anyway just because she’s fun to be around). She might even help me find a guy. She’s the only person I wouldn’t really be afraid to tell and would probably be the first I would tell.
But then again, all my friends could turn their backs on me. I don’t think they would, but it’s not like that hasn’t happened to me before (it wasn’t my current friends that did this but still it has happened).
I don’t know how it would turn out really. All I know is that I’m not ready – on many levels – to leave the closet.
I really have been doing A LOT of thinking lately. So much that I can barely concentrate on anything else (even driving – yes I need some serious help). I’ve thought about all the lies I’ve been living throughout my life and how hard it is to keep them going. It’s really tiring constantly living a lie. Wondering if anybody has caught on to me yet. Always analyzing everything and “watching where I step.” That’s how my mind works though. It’s always analyzing or strategizing. Working out the pros and cons of this or that. Figuring out what someone would do/say if I did a certain thing. Planning a way to get something done without it being too obvious I orchestrated it. Finding a way to approach and resolve a problem in my life. My mind never rests.
But, what would happen if I stepped out of the closet?
I don’t think it would pleasant. I don’t see how it could be.
My parents would FREAK OUT! They would probably yank me out of college and send me off to one of those homosexuality-curing camps (ha!). But not before sitting me down and feeding me all kinds of bullshit about how being gay is wrong and how I shouldn’t have “chosen” to be gay. They would never understand that I didn’t choose to be gay. After coming back from said camp, I would never be able to leave their eyes because they would be afraid I might go off and get poked even if I played like I was “cured.” My computer would be taken away along with my car (all of which they mostly paid for so I couldn’t protest much). Then, I would be shackled to a wall in our nonexistent basement and brought three meals a day. I would never see the outside world again.
However, my friends would probably be fine with it. Their thoughts would be something along these lines: “Yeah okay, anything we don’t know that you want to tell us?”. I know N would be cool with it. Hell, she would probably be happy and be like “let’s go shopping then!!!” to which I would have to break the news that not all gay guys love to shop (even though I would probably go with her anyway just because she’s fun to be around). She might even help me find a guy. She’s the only person I wouldn’t really be afraid to tell and would probably be the first I would tell.
But then again, all my friends could turn their backs on me. I don’t think they would, but it’s not like that hasn’t happened to me before (it wasn’t my current friends that did this but still it has happened).
I don’t know how it would turn out really. All I know is that I’m not ready – on many levels – to leave the closet.
Self-Portrait
I’ve always had problems with my self-image. When I was in junior high, I felt really awkward and thought I was the ugliest kid on the face of the planet. My ears were too big. My hair was too out of control. My nose was huge. My eyes just looked weird. My arms were scrawny. My face had acne all over it. I hated to look in the mirror. I hated having my picture taken. I hated seeing pictures of myself. I hated the way I looked.
Then came high school.
High school was a major turning point in my life as far as my confidence and self-image went. At first, the feelings from junior high lingered, but around the 10th grade I decided I had to change. So, I got a new hairstyle. For as long as I could remember, my hair had been really short and kept that way all the time. Well that changed. I decided to grow my hair out longer (not really long just a little longer than it had been for my entire life up to that point). That, along with whole finally-growing-into-an-adult thing, really boosted my confidence and self-image. I started standing taller and picking my head up. I began getting compliments from several people about how much better I looked now. Several girls noticed me now that never had before and even some flirted with me (if only they knew… or I had had the courage to tell them). For the first time, I felt accepted. I felt like I finally fit in. And to think most of this came about because of a new hairstyle (!?). Of course, that wasn’t the only thing. I always did good in school and got involved in a lot of clubs which weren’t available in junior high. I was constantly winning things or getting recognized for something I had done. This really helped build my confidence which also helped improve my self-image. All said and done, I walked out of my high school years feeling probably the best about myself that I ever had before.
Rolling into college, things started to slide. Not too bad though. Being basically anonymous in college took its toll on me. Going to college was sort of a shock. I went from knowing everyone in my high school (it was small – my graduating class had about 30 people in it) to knowing no one. Having almost no one to be my friend and getting to know very few people (remember I’m shy), my confidence began its decline. Furthermore, sitting in a class not knowing anyone and having people seem to sit anywhere but near me had a strong effect on me. I haven’t slid to junior high levels, just a few notches below where I was at in high school. I still go about my business as usual, even if I do it all alone.
But, I have my good and bad days now. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and like what I see. Other days however, I think I look like crap. Mostly it depends on how I feel that day.
I’ve moved on from my looks a little now though. The most common phrase anyone would hear from me if they followed me around when I’m getting ready in the morning is “Fuck it! If no one likes how I look, that’s their problem.”. I try to be at least presentable but I don’t sweat the small things unless I’m going somewhere important or need to impress someone speical.
Then came high school.
High school was a major turning point in my life as far as my confidence and self-image went. At first, the feelings from junior high lingered, but around the 10th grade I decided I had to change. So, I got a new hairstyle. For as long as I could remember, my hair had been really short and kept that way all the time. Well that changed. I decided to grow my hair out longer (not really long just a little longer than it had been for my entire life up to that point). That, along with whole finally-growing-into-an-adult thing, really boosted my confidence and self-image. I started standing taller and picking my head up. I began getting compliments from several people about how much better I looked now. Several girls noticed me now that never had before and even some flirted with me (if only they knew… or I had had the courage to tell them). For the first time, I felt accepted. I felt like I finally fit in. And to think most of this came about because of a new hairstyle (!?). Of course, that wasn’t the only thing. I always did good in school and got involved in a lot of clubs which weren’t available in junior high. I was constantly winning things or getting recognized for something I had done. This really helped build my confidence which also helped improve my self-image. All said and done, I walked out of my high school years feeling probably the best about myself that I ever had before.
Rolling into college, things started to slide. Not too bad though. Being basically anonymous in college took its toll on me. Going to college was sort of a shock. I went from knowing everyone in my high school (it was small – my graduating class had about 30 people in it) to knowing no one. Having almost no one to be my friend and getting to know very few people (remember I’m shy), my confidence began its decline. Furthermore, sitting in a class not knowing anyone and having people seem to sit anywhere but near me had a strong effect on me. I haven’t slid to junior high levels, just a few notches below where I was at in high school. I still go about my business as usual, even if I do it all alone.
But, I have my good and bad days now. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and like what I see. Other days however, I think I look like crap. Mostly it depends on how I feel that day.
I’ve moved on from my looks a little now though. The most common phrase anyone would hear from me if they followed me around when I’m getting ready in the morning is “Fuck it! If no one likes how I look, that’s their problem.”. I try to be at least presentable but I don’t sweat the small things unless I’m going somewhere important or need to impress someone speical.
Monday, September 11, 2006
My McDreamy
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days.
I really need a real relationship in my life.
But I don’t know how to go about forming one with anybody. I’ve never truly been in a relationship with anyone (there have been girls who have wanted to – what girl can resist a guy that actually listens to her – but nothing ever happened for one reason or another…). I’ve always been kind of afraid to. I don’t go around advertising that I’m gay so it’s not like the guys flock to me (they wouldn’t even if I did advertise). In fact, I have very few guy friends (I believe they’re all straight though) – most of my friends are girls which are beginning to drive me up the wall, save for N. I don’t go to many places where there would be a lot of gay guys (of course I don’t go many places anyway). I don’t go to any types of bars. I don’t go to the popular hang-outs around town (though I admit I really don’t know where they are – I don’t live in town – but even if I did I probably wouldn’t go). I rarely even show my face in any of the stores in town. About the only place I go that would have any gay guys is college and it’s fairly small.
But even if I did meet someone, I’m not sure it would ever go anywhere. I’m shy and move slow in forming a friendship – much less a full-on relationship. Plus, most of the guys my age would probably just be in it for sex. I want a relationship. I don’t want someone who just wants me for my hole or dick. I want someone who would just be fine hanging out and doing nothing sometimes. Someone who can be romantic at times and act like a kid at others. Someone who I could just hold and hug and kiss. Someone who could be my pillar to lean on. Someone who I could just lay in bed with all day. Someone who could accept my many flaws and appreciate my strong points. Someone who would just listen to my problems and encourage me and pick me up in my bad times. Someone I feel I could trust my life to. Someone who would just, if nothing else, be a true friend.
I just need someone.
I really need a real relationship in my life.
But I don’t know how to go about forming one with anybody. I’ve never truly been in a relationship with anyone (there have been girls who have wanted to – what girl can resist a guy that actually listens to her – but nothing ever happened for one reason or another…). I’ve always been kind of afraid to. I don’t go around advertising that I’m gay so it’s not like the guys flock to me (they wouldn’t even if I did advertise). In fact, I have very few guy friends (I believe they’re all straight though) – most of my friends are girls which are beginning to drive me up the wall, save for N. I don’t go to many places where there would be a lot of gay guys (of course I don’t go many places anyway). I don’t go to any types of bars. I don’t go to the popular hang-outs around town (though I admit I really don’t know where they are – I don’t live in town – but even if I did I probably wouldn’t go). I rarely even show my face in any of the stores in town. About the only place I go that would have any gay guys is college and it’s fairly small.
But even if I did meet someone, I’m not sure it would ever go anywhere. I’m shy and move slow in forming a friendship – much less a full-on relationship. Plus, most of the guys my age would probably just be in it for sex. I want a relationship. I don’t want someone who just wants me for my hole or dick. I want someone who would just be fine hanging out and doing nothing sometimes. Someone who can be romantic at times and act like a kid at others. Someone who I could just hold and hug and kiss. Someone who could be my pillar to lean on. Someone who I could just lay in bed with all day. Someone who could accept my many flaws and appreciate my strong points. Someone who would just listen to my problems and encourage me and pick me up in my bad times. Someone I feel I could trust my life to. Someone who would just, if nothing else, be a true friend.
I just need someone.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Working On My Life
I always hate the first day in a class especially if I don’t know anybody in there. Before class starts, I sit there watching the door hoping someone I know will walk in. The thing is I don’t know many people there. Plus, I feel really awkward when I sit by someone I don’t know. I’m not the most social and outgoing person so there is usually that unnerving silence. Several times, I’ve wanted to say something but chickened out. I’m fine if the other person talks first. I can take that and run with it. I just can’t start talking to someone. I guess that’s a flaw in my character. I need to work on that.
I think there is a gay guy in my science class. He sure acts gay at least. He’s pretty hot looking too. There’s a questionable guy in my business class. He’s not as hot as the science guy but seems like he would be more fun. There are actually several questionables in my classes (and some not but they seem too weird). Of course, I have no way to confirm their gayness (unless I walk up to them and be like “are you gay?” – see above for why that wouldn’t work plus it isn’t the best way to go about that anyway). I wished I had the balls to get to know some of them to know for sure. I think my gaydar is broken or never worked to begin with though. That’s something else I need to work on.
I’m really bored now. I have a class at two and I got out of my 12o’clock class early by about 30 minutes. Not that I’m complaining, that class was boring as hell. And usually, I can concentrate at least some of the time in a boring class. Not now. I can’t even concentrate in the fun and/or interesting classes (and no it’s not because I’m staring at some guy during class). Of course, I’m still kind of depressed, a little nervous about all these new classes & people, preoccupied with a large pile of shit that won’t seem to flush, and tired out of my mind because my crazy sleep pattern and the drive here (I’ve found that is what truly drains me – I honestly hate to drive long distances even though I love cars). But I’ve had all of that before and could still concentrate (okay so the depression wasn’t as bad but everything else was there). I guess that’s another thing I need to work on.
On a last note, I’m surprised I’ve kept this blog thing going as long as I have. Usually, it’s one post and it’s forgotten. It’s like therapy this time around though. I can vent all my shit to the world… even if they don’t read it. And I’m fine if they don’t. It makes me feel better to just get it out.
I think there is a gay guy in my science class. He sure acts gay at least. He’s pretty hot looking too. There’s a questionable guy in my business class. He’s not as hot as the science guy but seems like he would be more fun. There are actually several questionables in my classes (and some not but they seem too weird). Of course, I have no way to confirm their gayness (unless I walk up to them and be like “are you gay?” – see above for why that wouldn’t work plus it isn’t the best way to go about that anyway). I wished I had the balls to get to know some of them to know for sure. I think my gaydar is broken or never worked to begin with though. That’s something else I need to work on.
I’m really bored now. I have a class at two and I got out of my 12o’clock class early by about 30 minutes. Not that I’m complaining, that class was boring as hell. And usually, I can concentrate at least some of the time in a boring class. Not now. I can’t even concentrate in the fun and/or interesting classes (and no it’s not because I’m staring at some guy during class). Of course, I’m still kind of depressed, a little nervous about all these new classes & people, preoccupied with a large pile of shit that won’t seem to flush, and tired out of my mind because my crazy sleep pattern and the drive here (I’ve found that is what truly drains me – I honestly hate to drive long distances even though I love cars). But I’ve had all of that before and could still concentrate (okay so the depression wasn’t as bad but everything else was there). I guess that’s another thing I need to work on.
On a last note, I’m surprised I’ve kept this blog thing going as long as I have. Usually, it’s one post and it’s forgotten. It’s like therapy this time around though. I can vent all my shit to the world… even if they don’t read it. And I’m fine if they don’t. It makes me feel better to just get it out.
Talking To Myself
Okay so no one’s reading this and I’m just talking to myself. I do that sometimes anyway. I’ve had long conversations with myself on the 45-55 minutes drive (depending on traffic and which way I go) to and from college each day. It gets pretty heated at times too… well not really but I do talk to myself occasionally. It’s a form of therapy because there’s some shit I can’t talk to anyone else about but have to get out (even if it is to myself).
Speaking of driving to college, this morning on my way there a fucking bird or something flew into the side of my car! Whatever it was, it laid down what looks like a good-sized scratch. I was hoping the thick layer of dust and dirt would have protected it from any scratches. AND, I’m wanting to trade the car off this week or next. Fuck me! Seriously, go ahead. My car is a standard and I’m sick of dealing with a third pedal (see lazy). Yes, it’s fun at times but there are more problems than just my gripe about my choice of transmissions. I won’t get into that though. Nobody wants to hear about that, not even me. I wouldn’t mind driving another stick some day though…
Anyway, I’ve been really depressed the past two weeks. I’ve tried to figure out what caused it but can’t pin it on any particular thing (I think I counted about 20 things that contributed to it). I’m finally starting to get over it but it still shows its head from time to time. And no, I’m not on any medication for it. I was amazed at how hard and fast it hit though. It kind of came out of nowhere. I’ve been depressed before but it was never as bad as that was. My mind was running wild and I could hardly sleep at night (though my sleep pattern has been fucked up all summer). It was almost overwhelming.
One of the reasons for the depression was my gayness. It hit hard that I was gay, needed a boyfriend or somebody I could be close to, and that I was in the closest to everyone. I’ve never told a soul about me being gay (can you tell by now I’m a pretty secretive person?). Not even N who seems to be my long lost black sister and who I would probably trust my life to. I’ve denied being gay, bashed gays, and played it straight many times just to keep down or abolish any suspicions. Yes, there are suspicions about me being gay. And they’ve come from a lot of people including my parents. I think N knows though. She has me figured out and it seems like she can read my mind at times. My parents though… I don’t know. You see, we don’t talk about sex at our house so it’s already uncomfortable to talk about anything related to sex much less being gay. I honestly don’t know if I could ever tell them. My dad would freak out (and probably kick me out of the house) and it would probably crush my mom. I don’t want to hurt them or my relationship with them. They make occasional derogatory remarks about gays so I don’t know how it would go. Of course, I don’t think I’m completely gay. There are some girls out there that would really turn me on. I just feel a stronger attraction to guys. But anyway, I wonder if it would be better for them to just “hear it through the grape vine” rather than me straight up telling them. I wish I could just not tell them and them never know or know that they would be all right with it if I told them. So I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know.
Speaking of driving to college, this morning on my way there a fucking bird or something flew into the side of my car! Whatever it was, it laid down what looks like a good-sized scratch. I was hoping the thick layer of dust and dirt would have protected it from any scratches. AND, I’m wanting to trade the car off this week or next. Fuck me! Seriously, go ahead. My car is a standard and I’m sick of dealing with a third pedal (see lazy). Yes, it’s fun at times but there are more problems than just my gripe about my choice of transmissions. I won’t get into that though. Nobody wants to hear about that, not even me. I wouldn’t mind driving another stick some day though…
Anyway, I’ve been really depressed the past two weeks. I’ve tried to figure out what caused it but can’t pin it on any particular thing (I think I counted about 20 things that contributed to it). I’m finally starting to get over it but it still shows its head from time to time. And no, I’m not on any medication for it. I was amazed at how hard and fast it hit though. It kind of came out of nowhere. I’ve been depressed before but it was never as bad as that was. My mind was running wild and I could hardly sleep at night (though my sleep pattern has been fucked up all summer). It was almost overwhelming.
One of the reasons for the depression was my gayness. It hit hard that I was gay, needed a boyfriend or somebody I could be close to, and that I was in the closest to everyone. I’ve never told a soul about me being gay (can you tell by now I’m a pretty secretive person?). Not even N who seems to be my long lost black sister and who I would probably trust my life to. I’ve denied being gay, bashed gays, and played it straight many times just to keep down or abolish any suspicions. Yes, there are suspicions about me being gay. And they’ve come from a lot of people including my parents. I think N knows though. She has me figured out and it seems like she can read my mind at times. My parents though… I don’t know. You see, we don’t talk about sex at our house so it’s already uncomfortable to talk about anything related to sex much less being gay. I honestly don’t know if I could ever tell them. My dad would freak out (and probably kick me out of the house) and it would probably crush my mom. I don’t want to hurt them or my relationship with them. They make occasional derogatory remarks about gays so I don’t know how it would go. Of course, I don’t think I’m completely gay. There are some girls out there that would really turn me on. I just feel a stronger attraction to guys. But anyway, I wonder if it would be better for them to just “hear it through the grape vine” rather than me straight up telling them. I wish I could just not tell them and them never know or know that they would be all right with it if I told them. So I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Overjoyed
My first day back to class has started. Oh joy. So far so good though but I've still got two more classes. The brain-numbing 10:00-11:00 break is back this year. I actually have sort of a love-hate relationship with the break. It gives me time to do some of my work. But, it's just damn boring when I have nothing to do.
I guess that boils down to my lack of social life and limited number of friends. I don't make friends quickly though. I can't just walk up to someone, strike up a conversation and instantly there's a friendship. This is the kind of crap that makes me wonder if I'll ever really be in a relationship with anyone. I'm not a very trusting person. Trust, and friendship in general, builds slowly with me. I guess all the shit I've been through has caused that. I've had too many people I thought were really my friend turn on me and basically stab me in my back. Most of this happened in junior high which was a strange time for me and has ultimately shaped the person I am today (both the good and bad). Up until junior high, most of the people in my class were my friend (or so I thought). Then came junior high. Bye bye D! Just about everyone abandoned me. I felt so alone. I became reserved and quiet (which I have found is a weakness kids love to exploit). This brought on piles of shit ranging from "he's gay!" to "he never talks!" and anything you can imagine in between. No one ever threatened me physically (though as we all know words can hurt much more than physical harm). The gay part was what hurt the most... even though I am gay. At that time, I was still figuring myself out and hadn't really accepted that I was gay (this continued until just recently when I finally realized I had to accept myself for who I really am). All in all though it made me much stronger... almost to the point of being emotionless. Throw almost any insult my way and I usually just brush it off. I will stand up for myself now though which is something I wouldn't do in junior high. Had I been the way I am now in junior high, someone probably would have gotten their ass kicked (there's only so much I can take... how I took that much back then and did nothing is still a mystery to me)... by the so-called "goodie-goodie."
I wasn't really so much a goodie-goodie though (anybody that truly knows me knows I'm far from that). I just respected others... something most of the people that were in my class will never do. But it's all good now. After junior high, I went to a different high school where I basically started over with a clean slate. Everything was great in high school even if I did have to live a lie during those years. I was going to a school that was in a different district so we "moved" into that district so I could go there. Plus, most of the people in my junior high classes ended up dropping out and getting arrested for drugs. To this day, I avoid coming into contact with most of my former enemie.... I mean classmates.
All of that I carried on my shoulders and kept to myself though (the reason for the change in my high school was completely unrelated to this). I think I did a damn good job of hiding it too (whether that is good or bad is another issue) as I think my parents never had a clue about it. Though I'm a guy, what do you expect? For me to go crying to everyone? I may be gay but I'm not gay.
Until posting this, I have never told a soul about my junior high years, or at least not that aspect of them. The only thing anybody knew was that I hated junior high and I always just left it at that. Yes, there were a few bright spots during those times. They're just hidden underneath all the other shit that happened in those three long years that I still carry and will probably continue to carry for a long time.
I guess that boils down to my lack of social life and limited number of friends. I don't make friends quickly though. I can't just walk up to someone, strike up a conversation and instantly there's a friendship. This is the kind of crap that makes me wonder if I'll ever really be in a relationship with anyone. I'm not a very trusting person. Trust, and friendship in general, builds slowly with me. I guess all the shit I've been through has caused that. I've had too many people I thought were really my friend turn on me and basically stab me in my back. Most of this happened in junior high which was a strange time for me and has ultimately shaped the person I am today (both the good and bad). Up until junior high, most of the people in my class were my friend (or so I thought). Then came junior high. Bye bye D! Just about everyone abandoned me. I felt so alone. I became reserved and quiet (which I have found is a weakness kids love to exploit). This brought on piles of shit ranging from "he's gay!" to "he never talks!" and anything you can imagine in between. No one ever threatened me physically (though as we all know words can hurt much more than physical harm). The gay part was what hurt the most... even though I am gay. At that time, I was still figuring myself out and hadn't really accepted that I was gay (this continued until just recently when I finally realized I had to accept myself for who I really am). All in all though it made me much stronger... almost to the point of being emotionless. Throw almost any insult my way and I usually just brush it off. I will stand up for myself now though which is something I wouldn't do in junior high. Had I been the way I am now in junior high, someone probably would have gotten their ass kicked (there's only so much I can take... how I took that much back then and did nothing is still a mystery to me)... by the so-called "goodie-goodie."
I wasn't really so much a goodie-goodie though (anybody that truly knows me knows I'm far from that). I just respected others... something most of the people that were in my class will never do. But it's all good now. After junior high, I went to a different high school where I basically started over with a clean slate. Everything was great in high school even if I did have to live a lie during those years. I was going to a school that was in a different district so we "moved" into that district so I could go there. Plus, most of the people in my junior high classes ended up dropping out and getting arrested for drugs. To this day, I avoid coming into contact with most of my former enemie.... I mean classmates.
All of that I carried on my shoulders and kept to myself though (the reason for the change in my high school was completely unrelated to this). I think I did a damn good job of hiding it too (whether that is good or bad is another issue) as I think my parents never had a clue about it. Though I'm a guy, what do you expect? For me to go crying to everyone? I may be gay but I'm not gay.
Until posting this, I have never told a soul about my junior high years, or at least not that aspect of them. The only thing anybody knew was that I hated junior high and I always just left it at that. Yes, there were a few bright spots during those times. They're just hidden underneath all the other shit that happened in those three long years that I still carry and will probably continue to carry for a long time.
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