Random Thoughts

--- I realized yesterday that I do kind of like to shop. It’s the dishing over the money part that I don’t like (of course the other option is just stealing it but I think I’ll pass on that one for now). And, I’m bad about liking something in the store then getting home and hating it. Like the belt I got. It looked fine in the store then I got home and decided it just wasn’t me.

--- Carrying on the “it just wasn’t me” theme, I’ve realized I have imprisoned myself by what others expect of me. I was looking at some shirts that I liked but knew that no one would expect me to wear something like that. I didn’t get them. Most people seem to expect me to be this good little young man who never does wrong, never says or thinks bad things about others, never cusses (ha!) and never stands out much (but can definitely impress). That’s a lot of impossible expectations to fill coming from a lot of people. So many people expect so much out of me that I feel if I were true to myself they would be disappointed.

I think part of my secretiveness has its roots in that. I’m afraid to completely reveal myself because someone may see I’m not what they expect me to be. Yes, I’ve revealed a lot about myself on here, but no one is reading this. No one to be disappointed with me. And it’s strange when I finally meet a new friend. I’m confused about who to be. The person people expect me to be or the person I really am?

I really need to stop all this shit and just be myself. Fuck what people expect of me. But it’s hard to stop after being conditioned to do so my entire life.

--- Yesterday was the best day I’ve had in a long time. I just felt great about myself, plus I liked what I saw in the mirror… sexy beast.

--- I’ve been thinking about where I will move to after I graduate (because I am moving – I hate it here). I never thought I would say this but at this point, I’m seriously thinking about leaving the South. I’m growing sick of all the bigotry, constant racism (from all races), and corruption here. The only places in the South that appeal to me are Dallas/ Fort Worth, San Antonio and Orlando.

--- I’m a damn good cook when I want to be. I can’t cook much but what I can cook is always the best. My cooking skills only extend as far as tacos, pizzas, pizza/cheese sticks, mac & cheese, and grilled cheese sandwiches. Notice all these things have one thing in common? Cheese! I love it.

--- Lately, I’ve been cutting back on what I eat and have been doing a few exercises to help me shape up a little and lose some weight. I’ve lost five pounds in the past two weeks and got my arms looking a little less scrawny. I’m still working on my abs (they need a lot of work). I need to just join a gym somewhere.

--- My confidence in myself seems to be doing nothing but going up. Just the other day, I was walking to my car to leave campus and noticed that as I was walking I had my head held high. I was like “Wow I’m proud of me! I haven’t looked at the ground yet!”.

--- I love the song London Bridge by Fergie (I know, I know…). I can’t help but animatedly sing along with it in my car when it comes on the radio. Anyone in front of me, behind me or meeting me probably thinks I’m crazy… and they would be correct.

--- I want to go somewhere for fall break this year. I don’t know where but I doubt I’ll go anyway since I would probably be going alone. And how much fun is that? I can only entertain myself for so long… my dick starts hurting.

--- Random Words – cup, sing, brake, eight, catalog, over, uncontrolled, board