Overjoyed

My first day back to class has started. Oh joy. So far so good though but I've still got two more classes. The brain-numbing 10:00-11:00 break is back this year. I actually have sort of a love-hate relationship with the break. It gives me time to do some of my work. But, it's just damn boring when I have nothing to do.

I guess that boils down to my lack of social life and limited number of friends. I don't make friends quickly though. I can't just walk up to someone, strike up a conversation and instantly there's a friendship. This is the kind of crap that makes me wonder if I'll ever really be in a relationship with anyone. I'm not a very trusting person. Trust, and friendship in general, builds slowly with me. I guess all the shit I've been through has caused that. I've had too many people I thought were really my friend turn on me and basically stab me in my back. Most of this happened in junior high which was a strange time for me and has ultimately shaped the person I am today (both the good and bad). Up until junior high, most of the people in my class were my friend (or so I thought). Then came junior high. Bye bye D! Just about everyone abandoned me. I felt so alone. I became reserved and quiet (which I have found is a weakness kids love to exploit). This brought on piles of shit ranging from "he's gay!" to "he never talks!" and anything you can imagine in between. No one ever threatened me physically (though as we all know words can hurt much more than physical harm). The gay part was what hurt the most... even though I am gay. At that time, I was still figuring myself out and hadn't really accepted that I was gay (this continued until just recently when I finally realized I had to accept myself for who I really am). All in all though it made me much stronger... almost to the point of being emotionless. Throw almost any insult my way and I usually just brush it off. I will stand up for myself now though which is something I wouldn't do in junior high. Had I been the way I am now in junior high, someone probably would have gotten their ass kicked (there's only so much I can take... how I took that much back then and did nothing is still a mystery to me)... by the so-called "goodie-goodie."

I wasn't really so much a goodie-goodie though (anybody that truly knows me knows I'm far from that). I just respected others... something most of the people that were in my class will never do. But it's all good now. After junior high, I went to a different high school where I basically started over with a clean slate. Everything was great in high school even if I did have to live a lie during those years. I was going to a school that was in a different district so we "moved" into that district so I could go there. Plus, most of the people in my junior high classes ended up dropping out and getting arrested for drugs. To this day, I avoid coming into contact with most of my former enemie.... I mean classmates.

All of that I carried on my shoulders and kept to myself though (the reason for the change in my high school was completely unrelated to this). I think I did a damn good job of hiding it too (whether that is good or bad is another issue) as I think my parents never had a clue about it. Though I'm a guy, what do you expect? For me to go crying to everyone? I may be gay but I'm not gay.

Until posting this, I have never told a soul about my junior high years, or at least not that aspect of them. The only thing anybody knew was that I hated junior high and I always just left it at that. Yes, there were a few bright spots during those times. They're just hidden underneath all the other shit that happened in those three long years that I still carry and will probably continue to carry for a long time.