Self-Portrait

I’ve always had problems with my self-image. When I was in junior high, I felt really awkward and thought I was the ugliest kid on the face of the planet. My ears were too big. My hair was too out of control. My nose was huge. My eyes just looked weird. My arms were scrawny. My face had acne all over it. I hated to look in the mirror. I hated having my picture taken. I hated seeing pictures of myself. I hated the way I looked.

Then came high school.

High school was a major turning point in my life as far as my confidence and self-image went. At first, the feelings from junior high lingered, but around the 10th grade I decided I had to change. So, I got a new hairstyle. For as long as I could remember, my hair had been really short and kept that way all the time. Well that changed. I decided to grow my hair out longer (not really long just a little longer than it had been for my entire life up to that point). That, along with whole finally-growing-into-an-adult thing, really boosted my confidence and self-image. I started standing taller and picking my head up. I began getting compliments from several people about how much better I looked now. Several girls noticed me now that never had before and even some flirted with me (if only they knew… or I had had the courage to tell them). For the first time, I felt accepted. I felt like I finally fit in. And to think most of this came about because of a new hairstyle (!?). Of course, that wasn’t the only thing. I always did good in school and got involved in a lot of clubs which weren’t available in junior high. I was constantly winning things or getting recognized for something I had done. This really helped build my confidence which also helped improve my self-image. All said and done, I walked out of my high school years feeling probably the best about myself that I ever had before.

Rolling into college, things started to slide. Not too bad though. Being basically anonymous in college took its toll on me. Going to college was sort of a shock. I went from knowing everyone in my high school (it was small – my graduating class had about 30 people in it) to knowing no one. Having almost no one to be my friend and getting to know very few people (remember I’m shy), my confidence began its decline. Furthermore, sitting in a class not knowing anyone and having people seem to sit anywhere but near me had a strong effect on me. I haven’t slid to junior high levels, just a few notches below where I was at in high school. I still go about my business as usual, even if I do it all alone.

But, I have my good and bad days now. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and like what I see. Other days however, I think I look like crap. Mostly it depends on how I feel that day.

I’ve moved on from my looks a little now though. The most common phrase anyone would hear from me if they followed me around when I’m getting ready in the morning is “Fuck it! If no one likes how I look, that’s their problem.”. I try to be at least presentable but I don’t sweat the small things unless I’m going somewhere important or need to impress someone speical.