Umm...

I’m drawing a blank today. My mind is numb. I need to be reading for a test I have next week, but it would be that mindless-not-even-paying-attention-while-I’m-reading reading. You know, the type where when you’re done you don’t even know what you just read. I hate that.

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I’m thinking about joining the Gay-Straight Alliance – or whatever the hell they call it – on campus mainly to meet some other people who are “suffering from the same evil disease.” It’s not a big group from what I understand but this isn’t a big college.

By the way, I was informed by one of my professors the other day that the average age of a student here is around 27. 27! I was like “Shit, I need to either go to another college or go after a sugar daddy!”.

It kind of sucks going to a small college. The pickings are slim and most are either withered on the vine or have too many blemishes to be worth grabbing. Besides, I can’t whore myself out… yet. Just kidding but I probably will be a little more open after my brother graduates at the end of this semester and most of my gossiping friends leave after the spring (I will miss N though). So I’ll be all alone… not. I’m gonna meet some new friends… gay friends. And if they’re not gay, I’ll make their asses gay.

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I can’t help but to wonder sometimes if my brother is gay too (that would do a double whammy on my parents). He’s more of the pretty-boy type than I am. Plus, he seems to have this strange obsession with clothes shopping (I have a strange obsession with vehicle shopping but that’s irrelevant).

When we were young, I would always want to play or wrestle. Well, he didn’t even want me touching him. Insecurities, maybe? Plus, he brings the I-don’t-want-to-touch-that mentality to a new level. There have been many occasions where he didn’t want to touch something and I wanted to just say “Here let me get it, you little faggot!”. But we don’t say that kind of stuff around our house and even though we’re both adults now, he would probably still rat me out to my parents (sad, isn’t it?). They would gripe at me over it. I would get pissed. I would say more things for them to gripe at me about (I need to move out... for the health of my mind and social life). The worst thing is that my brother is older than I am. And I would never even think of ratting him out on shit like that. Isn’t that what brothers do anyway?

I know that got a little off-topic and what was on-topic probably didn’t make any sense. But it’s just how he carries himself sometimes.

Plus, he had this strange relationship with this girl recently. It was very short-lived and seemed to be more of a look-I’m-dating-a-girl-I-can’t-be-gay sort of thing than a serious relationship. It was very suspicious.

I know my brother thinks very similar to me (though he would never admit it). I see in him a lot of the things I do to cover up. I may just be reading them wrong though because our personalities are pretty much polar opposites. Most people think we are just alike though – they just don’t know us well enough. We usually act the same around people we don’t know, but the similarities end after that. It’s strange because sometimes we will ‘compare notes’ on how we act. It shows just how much we actually are alike and how completely different we are.