My World, Outted

“I live so many lives and lies that it's hard to keep up with who I am at the moment.”

I really have been doing A LOT of thinking lately. So much that I can barely concentrate on anything else (even driving – yes I need some serious help). I’ve thought about all the lies I’ve been living throughout my life and how hard it is to keep them going. It’s really tiring constantly living a lie. Wondering if anybody has caught on to me yet. Always analyzing everything and “watching where I step.” That’s how my mind works though. It’s always analyzing or strategizing. Working out the pros and cons of this or that. Figuring out what someone would do/say if I did a certain thing. Planning a way to get something done without it being too obvious I orchestrated it. Finding a way to approach and resolve a problem in my life. My mind never rests.

But, what would happen if I stepped out of the closet?

I don’t think it would pleasant. I don’t see how it could be.

My parents would FREAK OUT! They would probably yank me out of college and send me off to one of those homosexuality-curing camps (ha!). But not before sitting me down and feeding me all kinds of bullshit about how being gay is wrong and how I shouldn’t have “chosen” to be gay. They would never understand that I didn’t choose to be gay. After coming back from said camp, I would never be able to leave their eyes because they would be afraid I might go off and get poked even if I played like I was “cured.” My computer would be taken away along with my car (all of which they mostly paid for so I couldn’t protest much). Then, I would be shackled to a wall in our nonexistent basement and brought three meals a day. I would never see the outside world again.

However, my friends would probably be fine with it. Their thoughts would be something along these lines: “Yeah okay, anything we don’t know that you want to tell us?”. I know N would be cool with it. Hell, she would probably be happy and be like “let’s go shopping then!!!” to which I would have to break the news that not all gay guys love to shop (even though I would probably go with her anyway just because she’s fun to be around). She might even help me find a guy. She’s the only person I wouldn’t really be afraid to tell and would probably be the first I would tell.

But then again, all my friends could turn their backs on me. I don’t think they would, but it’s not like that hasn’t happened to me before (it wasn’t my current friends that did this but still it has happened).

I don’t know how it would turn out really. All I know is that I’m not ready – on many levels – to leave the closet.