Talking To Myself

Okay so no one’s reading this and I’m just talking to myself. I do that sometimes anyway. I’ve had long conversations with myself on the 45-55 minutes drive (depending on traffic and which way I go) to and from college each day. It gets pretty heated at times too… well not really but I do talk to myself occasionally. It’s a form of therapy because there’s some shit I can’t talk to anyone else about but have to get out (even if it is to myself).

Speaking of driving to college, this morning on my way there a fucking bird or something flew into the side of my car! Whatever it was, it laid down what looks like a good-sized scratch. I was hoping the thick layer of dust and dirt would have protected it from any scratches. AND, I’m wanting to trade the car off this week or next. Fuck me! Seriously, go ahead. My car is a standard and I’m sick of dealing with a third pedal (see lazy). Yes, it’s fun at times but there are more problems than just my gripe about my choice of transmissions. I won’t get into that though. Nobody wants to hear about that, not even me. I wouldn’t mind driving another stick some day though…

Anyway, I’ve been really depressed the past two weeks. I’ve tried to figure out what caused it but can’t pin it on any particular thing (I think I counted about 20 things that contributed to it). I’m finally starting to get over it but it still shows its head from time to time. And no, I’m not on any medication for it. I was amazed at how hard and fast it hit though. It kind of came out of nowhere. I’ve been depressed before but it was never as bad as that was. My mind was running wild and I could hardly sleep at night (though my sleep pattern has been fucked up all summer). It was almost overwhelming.

One of the reasons for the depression was my gayness. It hit hard that I was gay, needed a boyfriend or somebody I could be close to, and that I was in the closest to everyone. I’ve never told a soul about me being gay (can you tell by now I’m a pretty secretive person?). Not even N who seems to be my long lost black sister and who I would probably trust my life to. I’ve denied being gay, bashed gays, and played it straight many times just to keep down or abolish any suspicions. Yes, there are suspicions about me being gay. And they’ve come from a lot of people including my parents. I think N knows though. She has me figured out and it seems like she can read my mind at times. My parents though… I don’t know. You see, we don’t talk about sex at our house so it’s already uncomfortable to talk about anything related to sex much less being gay. I honestly don’t know if I could ever tell them. My dad would freak out (and probably kick me out of the house) and it would probably crush my mom. I don’t want to hurt them or my relationship with them. They make occasional derogatory remarks about gays so I don’t know how it would go. Of course, I don’t think I’m completely gay. There are some girls out there that would really turn me on. I just feel a stronger attraction to guys. But anyway, I wonder if it would be better for them to just “hear it through the grape vine” rather than me straight up telling them. I wish I could just not tell them and them never know or know that they would be all right with it if I told them. So I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know.