Making My Move

My heart is burning up inside of me.

I need someone. Someone in my life. Someone who I can love and loves me back. I’m sick of seeing all these happy (or should I say happy-looking) couples, gay or straight, who seem to be in love. I hate seeing that. I want to just shoot them sometimes. It makes my blood boil and my heart yearn.

And you know why? I’m jealous. Yes, I’m jealous. I wish I had what they have. I wish I had someone to hug and kiss. Someone I could just call up if I’m feeling a little lonely. Someone to go out for a night on the town with. Someone to be a shoulder to lean on when I’m feeling down. At this point, sex takes a back seat – maybe even put in the trunk – to just having someone.

Yes, there are friends. But, that’s different. Friends are fun and yeah you can do most of that stuff with them. I want someone that can take our relationship a few steps more than just a friendship.

I’ve got to do something. I’ve got to be ballsy. I’ve got to put myself out there – strut my stuff if I need to. I’ve got to “turn my taxi light on.”

Why do I always have to feel like this on the weekends when I’m usually not around many people? Is it because my life sucks since I so rarely go out on the weekends? By the way, that needs to change too. I give myself these little pep talks on the weekends and feel energized and inspired over the weekend. Come Monday, it’s worn off. The lonely weekends bring reality crashing back down on me as my preoccupiedness from the week lifts and I see my life more clearly. I see that there’s not much of a life there, socially speaking. The pep talks carry me through the weekends until the normal affairs of the week return and occupy most of my thoughts from Monday till mid-day Friday. They’re starting to lose their impact though – not having the BAM-I’m-feeling-great sensations or the duration they once had.

It’s time to make my move. Get new friends and maybe even talk to the guy in my history class. If I can’t get a boyfriend, I at least want a close friend I feel completely comfortable being around and I have a friend right now that would be a prefect candidate for that.

Like I’ve said before, I got myself into this situation and only I can change the situation I’m in. Only I can get myself out of this deep rut.