It all happened on or about the night of August 11th/early morning of the 12th in 2006. And what happened is a little fuzzy as well. Nonetheless, here’s what I can remember of it.
I was on the computer in my room late at night. Everyone else was in the bed and probably asleep. I looked up some porn and drooled over the hot guys for a while. But porn always makes me depressed, so it wasn’t an all night event. After finishing up, I popped the earphones on to listen to some music while I played Royal Coalition (solitaire card game). Royal Coalition has always been my thinking game, and that night I would definitely be doing some thinking.
With the depression from the porn still fresh in my mind, the worst song possible was next on my playlist – Blue October’s “Hate Me.” I’ve always liked the song, but it’s just so solemn and depressing. Regardless, I listened to it several times and suddenly… it hit. Crashing down on me like a boulder. My emotions started going crazy! Fear. Anger. Happiness. Rage. Joy. Anxiety. Confusion. I almost started crying at one point. What’s happening to me? What’s going on? Why can’t I make it stop?
Somewhere amidst the mixed bag of emotions, I told myself I was gay. I finally admitted it to myself. And suddenly – even among fluctuating emotions – I felt free, like a huge burden had been yanked off my shoulders. It was an amazing feeling!
Why me being gay even surfaced during this wild display of emotions, I don’t exactly know. I don’t think it was the porn, though that could have played a part in it. I seem to remember reading some article online earlier in the day about gays but brushing it off because I was still in denial. Seems like it was something about gay rights. I took the stance that gays didn’t deserve any rights, odd considering I was gay and even knew it at this point. Remember though, I was in denial.
I think that was what ultimately did it for me. What ultimately led to my emotional breakdown and my coming out. As I listened to the words of the song, I thought about how some people might hate me if I was gay. Then it dawned me – I am gay and I’m hating myself here! Just earlier in the day I had said gays don’t need any rights – I don’t need any rights! I was discriminating against myself and others like me! I had been programmed – brainwashed – all my life to think that being gay is wrong. I finally figure out how to break the code and think for myself. I finally realized I was gay and there was absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Almost overwhelmed and in tears, I think I got into bed around 2 or 3 am that night. I didn’t sleep good that night either – or for several weeks to come. My mind was racing with this new perspective of life and the world that I had gained on that quiet night in the middle of August. The night that changed my life for the better from that point on. The night I finally came out to myself.
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6 comments:
Hey there, that's just the way it's supposed to happen.....you have to admit it and come to terms with it yourself....and then, at some time, you'll begin the process of telling others....in your own way, at your own time. If you're not honest with yourself, you'll never be honest with anyone else. To Thine Own Self Be True. Big huge gigantic hugs (even if you don't like Barry M.)
I think we've all had similar moments. Mine included a mirror and talking to myself...basically admitting that I was gay...I pretty much called myself a fag...kind of difused the word. I was in my late teens when I did that.
Hang in there buddy! You're doing just fine.
I still sometimes have difficulty admitting it to myself.
It's all part of the learning process. I can't really give you advice (I'm still in the first paragraph of Chapter 1), but I can be here to listen, to read your posts and to offer support.
Look at all the other people who have survived this.
This is really important. And I am very happy for you. Congrats!
That's interesting that you admitted it to yourself all at once in a brief shining moment.
For me, it seems like I always knew and then gradually accepted it.
Great post! Coming out to yourself is the most important thing in the world to do. Once you're comfortable with yourself, being gay isn't any sort of baggage you have to deal with. It's just who you are.
After reading this, I took the liberty of reading some of your other recent posts, and I just want to wish you good luck in coming out to everyone else. Maybe it's just where I'm from (Massachusetts), but *none* of my friends took any issue with me being gay. A lot of them at least considered the possibility and even the ones who I thought it would be awkward were perfectly okay with it. I really think, at least with the younger generation we belong to, people don't give a crap if you're gay or not. Of course, there are always exceptions... and of course, things could be waaaay different where you're from and in different social circles. However, I'm convinced that at ANY relatively large college you'll be able to find a fairly large and welcoming glbt community & their friends.
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