What They Didn’t Say

I’ve been so focused lately on what my parents did say that I completely ignored what they did not say.

I never thought about it until a little while ago when I was in the shower (aka the Great Thoughts Generator). Yea, my parents asked my bro if he was gay but that was it! Nothing came after that. No ‘because if you are, we’ll kick you out.’ No ‘we’ll disown you.’ Nothing! NOTHING!!!

Plus when my mom popped the question to my bro, it seemed to be an afterthought even with her condescending tone. It was like she was telling my bro what my dad had said and then just tacked on a ‘oh, you’re not, are you?’ at the end.

Maybe I’m overanalyzing this again – I have a tendency to do that with things – but this could be just as monumental as my mom’s silence a few weeks back. Laying the foundation for things to come, I guess.

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My classes are going along good so far. I have my first test in accounting tomorrow! Not sure how it will go!

The Gay-Straight Alliance meeting on campus is next week! I’m prepping my friends for my absence during common hour that day so they won’t suspect anything. I feel so bad doing that though! I’ve ditched them once to hang out in the library (unfortunately not with tgimhc) and I’m going to do it again tomorrow to study for accounting. They never call to check on me when I don’t show up during common hour… I always call them if they don’t show. Maybe that says something about our friendship. Of course, I am hiding something from them so who am I to be questioning all that? We do all have our secrets though.

The Ongoing ‘Gay Brother’ Saga

And so it continues…

Friday night, everybody was gathered in the kitchen after my mom and dad had returned from their weekly grocery shopping. My mom, my brother, and me were joking around about something my mom had said early when my dad suddenly erupts on my brother with his “you’re gay” crap.

Now up until this point, all that my brother had heard about this had been translated through my mom. When my dad opened his mouth, my brother shot me that brother look that we use so frequently. It kind of scared me. Does he know about me? He does. I’m almost 100% sure that he does.

I leaned against the sink smiling slightly as I watched my dad assault him with a barrage of questions and accusations. I watched my brother closely. He stayed calm and cool this time, never flinched or showed any sign of discomfort. Maybe he is telling the truth here (he probably is). Or maybe he’s just gotten really good at it. But it’s always been me who has had the gay questions… he shouldn’t be that good!

Toward the end of my dad’s badgering, my dad said something to the effect of “you better watch that guy… he can get you. He can turn you.” Ah, ignorance! Again, I thought to myself “what the fuck?” That’s a very common thought by the way.

The gay accusations dissolved into my dad determining that my brother will be addicted to gambling – my brother and his co-worker went to the casino that night – and lose every bit of his money on it. This then led into talking about people from our church that he had heard had won like $10,000 at the casino and him passing judgment on them for doing that. Hypocrite. It’s almost laughable how absurd some of the shit my dad says is. Just seconds after saying all of that, he talks about some woman at church that he’s in love with. In fact, most of his conversations throughout the day are centered around this woman. Keep in mind that he’s married! I don’t know how my mom has put up with it. If I was her, I would have divorce his ass years ago. Sometimes, I wonder if they have come close to divorce over this but kept it together just for us.

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I was originally going add more to this, but an optical migraine suddenly hit me tonight. You know, the type where some of your vision just goes. I can’t see parts of the left side of the screen right now! So that’s all for now. What is here was typed earlier today before the migraine. Maybe more tomorrow. Or later tonight if at least the vision part of the migraine goes away.

Eerie Silence

It’s been very quiet around the house lately… too quiet. The calm before the storm?

It’s an uncomfortable quiet, thick with tension. My parents aren’t saying much and neither am I. It’s just strange. Something’s going on here… I just can’t figure it out.

In other news, my dad is convinced my brother is gay. I wanted to tell him he’s got the wrong son! Well, I guess… I’ve had my suspicions about my brother. Double whammy for my parents if we’re both gay!

By the way, did anybody see the gay twins on Tyra last night? Hot! I was just about to turn the TV off and go to bed when her show came on. The show was about coming out in case you didn’t see it. I watched the part about the twins which included showing them coming out to their parents. It seemed too easy, but there were cameras there at the time. That can change everything. It was a really short part – I was a little disappointed – and I stopped watching after that.

Getting back to my brother, it all started when he went out this past weekend for a night on the town with one of the guys he’s now working with. Not a big deal, right? Well, not to my dad!

After being proved wrong that my brother would come home drunk and/or stoned, I guess my dad had to resort to accusing my brother of being gay. Of course, what should we expect from him? He’s always been so negative about everything. If I’m ever in a good mood, it’s best to avoid my dad as much as possible. It’s almost like he wants us to be a failure. He even told me flat out to my face in high school that when I go to college I’ll get into drugs, sex, and alcohol and eventually just drop out. I almost want to do that just to spite him, but that would only prove him right…

And I don’t know where all that comes from. Neither my brother or me have ever been in any kind of serious trouble. My parents have had it easy with us! Maybe my dad thinks we’ve been too good. Of course, I’ve always been the more troublesome of their two children. I talked back. I was a real bitch at times. I lied all the time. I used to steal some of my brothers things. I ran through the house and knocked things over. And I got whoopins almost everyday of the week when I was little too!

Anyway since my brother’s night out and me filling him in on some of what my dad had said while he was gone, me and him have had a running joke about him getting drunk. Monday evening, my mom, my brother and me all happened to be home at the same time. I joked about my brother getting drunk, and then my mom dropped the ball. She told my brother about my dad thinking he was gay (I wasn’t about to tell him). It was weird. While she talked about what my dad had said, she used the word “gay.” When she asked my brother if he was gay, she used the word “queer” and said it in a condescending way. What the fuck?

I don’t like that word, queer. I never have. It has too many negative connotations for me to be comfortable with it, especially with the way my mom said it. I think I would rather be called a fag than a queer.

He denied it. But so have I. In fact, I think I’m long overdue for the question. It’s been a few years. They’re slacking! My brother, like I always did, seemed very uncomfortable and quickly changed the subject. Like usual, I suddenly fell out of the conversation when the topic arose. After having previously added a comment to everything each of them had said, I wonder if she noticed my silence. The entire conversation ended shortly after as both my brother and I walked away almost at the same time. For us to be so different, we seem to have so many things in common… maybe even some things in common that we just won’t admit.

My mom has always said she wished she could have had a girl. Would two queens be sufficient?

Shopping Spree And An Old Friend

Part 1 of my shopping spree has been completed. I got to town little over an hour before my noon class started. First stop – Barnes & Noble ;-)

A little intimidating (more on that later) but I had to go there in person. No ordering anything online. My parents (in all of their snooping greatness) would just have to see what it was I had ordered. And that wouldn’t work. I had originally intended to rush in, get the books I wanted, and move on to the next store on the list. Maybe five minutes, ten tops…

What is it about that place that makes you want to wander around and look at everything? I stayed in there just looking at stuff for over 30 minutes (and I could have stayed longer)! Of course, part of the reason it took so long is that I had to build up the courage to go down that aisle.

I was hesitant to go down there at first. I wandered around the store looking at several other things and picked up a neat looking book on architecture. I would pass by the aisle and glance but never would go down it. I was afraid someone who knew me would see.

But then I realized the store was almost empty and most of the people that know me probably have never stepped foot in a bookstore or if they had, they wouldn’t be there at that time. So finally my balls dropped and I got the nerve to back down the aisle!

I stopped right in front of the tiny Gay/Lesbian section. They can’t possibly have all the books I want with this very limited selection! I was looking for three books… they only had one. =) But I got more than just a book.

It was empowering standing there looking at that section while several people passed by and some looked. It was like I was coming out to them, like I was getting a taste of an outted life. And it felt great!! I loved it!! As I went to check out, the woman at the register suddenly got the biggest smile on her face as she looked at the books I had. It was like she was giving me a thumbs up! That felt great as well!

After leaving B&N, I went to Circuit City to check out the MP3 player I had had my eye on for a while. Nothing too expensive. All I wanted was something small that would hold enough songs for me to listen to while I walked/jogged/ran at the track. It fit the bill as did its price tag. As you may have noticed, that link is not to CC’s website. Yep, I ran over to Best Buy where they had it $20 cheaper!

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Since I had stayed at B&N longer than expected and ended up going to Best Buy to get the MP3 player, it was getting really close to 12! So I hauled ass out to the car after getting through at BB.

I had to stop at every damn light!!

An almost steady stream of cuss words was flowing out of my mouth (with an occasional break to sing along to “Play That Funky Music White Boy” of course!). I was going to be late for my first day in the class! I floored it leaving every stop and zipped in and out of traffic to get there. I walked in the classroom at 11:56…

…to see a beaming face! Tiffy!!! I was surprised she was so happy to see me! It had been last spring since I had a class with her! We chatted for several minutes and caught up with each other in the short time before started class. It felt so great to talk to her again! Still on my B&N high, I almost wrote her a note during class telling her I’m gay. Then, I figured that may not be the best way (or place… or time) to tell her. Between me writing cutesy notes and drawing smiley faces in her notebook and both of us laughing like little school girls, I think she knows though! =)

After class, we talked as I followed her out to her car. She let me smell her barbeque-scented trunk!! I felt so honored to have the privilege! She’s so much fun to be around! Then after she got in her car to leave, I headed to my car to drop off about 15lbs of dead weight and pick up Snap to go read in the library before my next class started at 2. I didn’t have long and only read eight pages but so far it’s great!

So, today’s been a pretty damn good day! Maybe it’s starting a trend!!

Tomorrow is part 2 of the shopping spree… clothes, shoes and who knows what else!

It's Late

And I should know the night I want to go to bed early, I can't sleep. I'm bored. Tired. A little bitchy. Sounds like the normal me! Ok, maybe not... well just scratch the tired and then it'll fit! But check this out...

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace. You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions. You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected. It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional. You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others. While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well. At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything. You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams. You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

These things are so good! Like 95% of the time, they're right. Creepy. But hey, they're enough to entertain me at 2am so I'm cool with it!

As for other things, it's raining outside... or at least it was. We're supposed to have rain all night and into the early parts of tomorrow... I mean today (whatever!). That's good... my car needed to be washed! Too bad it can't clean out the inside, too! My lazy ass'll have to get out there and do that. It's not very bad though, mainly on the driver's side... don't have anybody to ever ride on the passenger side (or to put the rear seats to good use). I will someday though! Yes, I will! =)

Just looking at my checkbook, I actually have over $550 in there! And that's after buying all of my books! Wow... can you say shopping spree? I sure as hell know I can! I need to buy some new clothes, a few books (thanks Lewis!), an MP3 player, and maybe some random crap I really don't need but wouldn't mind having. That'll put a dent in my checking account! I've got to have some self-control though.

Reading back over some of my past posts, I realized I never told ya'll what happened with the friends I was thinking about coming out to. In short, we set up a time... one had to work... the whole thing was called off. Probably a good thing.

Well, I guess that's all for now. Eyes aren't wanting to stay open. I'll get back in bed and see if I can go to sleep. Later!

A Look In The Trash Can

You wouldn’t believe the number of things I’ve typed fully intending to post them, but I never did for one reason or another. Last night (actually early yesterday morning) I typed two posts. One got posted at 1:43am but later deleted by me around 11am. The other was supposed to be posted after I got up in the morning, but I had a change of heart and it never made it up. I thought I would post both of them just to give you a glimpse of what was going on in my mind that night.

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[This is the first one I typed and actually posted. It was supposed to set the stage for the second one.]

Title: Depressed, Lonely And Confused

I guess I’m hitting my period again! LOL!

But seriously, the emotions are back. They come and go in waves. And sometimes they last an hour, other times they can last for days. Random things or sometimes seemingly nothing trips them.

I had a friend once tell me in a joking manner that she thought I had emotional problems, though I could tell she wasn’t completely joking. And maybe I do… hell, who am I kidding? I probably do!! These emotions are nothing new. I’ve had them for years now, but they’re only getting stronger as time goes on. I really should get some help before I actually do go crazy!

I’ve looked on my college’s website about their student counseling program. It’s free to all students, but they say if it’s something long-term or too serious they’ll refer you to someone else outside of the college. I’m thinking about setting up an appointment with one of the counselors after the new semester mayhem settles down. They might as well go ahead and refer me to someone though!

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[Here’s the second and more extreme one. Thoughts of closing the D-Tour came as I was typing this.]

Title: Off The D-Tour, Back On The Main Road

I think it’s time I take a break from the D-Tour and maybe the blogging world as a whole. Yes, this blog and others have helped me in so many ways – even in ways I probably don’t notice – and I’ve met some great people along the way too. But, something’s telling me to back off a little. Step back and leave for a while… how long, I don’t know. It may be a few days, a week, a month… I may never come back (doubtful, I love you guys too much!). Mainly, I just need to get away from the computer.

I probably won’t be checking many of your blogs like I normally would. I will still check my email and be on Yahoo and AIM from time to time, but there will probably be very few, if any, new posts from me on here. Feel free to chat though! I’m not trying to isolate myself from any of you… just easing back on the blogging and the time on the computer.

And who knows… this may not even last through the rest of today. I don’t know. I can guarantee you though that if anything really exciting happens (like I talk to tgimhc) I’ll quickly come running back to tell ya’ll! I can’t keep all that juicy stuff to myself, ya know!! =)

So with all that said, I hope you guys have fun and don’t think any of this is against you (it’s not). Talk to ya’ll later!

-The Sliest of Slies, SlyD

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So, there ya go. Me losing my mind. There is some truth to both of these though. I probably will go see a counselor at some point and I am cutting back on my time spent on the computer. Reading back over these, I was surprisingly level-headed and upbeat in them especially considering how shitty I felt that night. I guess I can fake it really good.

Another Try

If you happened to have seen my post from late last night before I deleted it, please ignore what I said. I don’t know what was going on then. Too late and I needed some sleep I guess. I even considered closing down the D-Tour, so I think I was having a little crazy spell!

I’m feeling much better now than I was last night. I caught up on the sleep I had lost all this week. Plus, I just got back from going mud riding on the 4-wheeler about an hour ago, and that always leaves me smiling (and this time, with a numb face from the cold)! It had warmed up all of about 5* to reach a grand total of 45* and that was warm enough for me!! Boots, a jacket, some gloves and I was gone into the woods! What is it about hitting mud and water with the 4-wheeler that is so damn fun? Being a country boy?

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I’m wanting to post some sound clips, but I don’t know where I can upload them so I can post them. Is there a site out there that’s the audio equivalent of Youtube? I’ve got them recorded and saved on my computer. I just need a site to put them on so I can post them.

Yea, short post today… I haven’t had anything to say lately. Nothing’s happened!

Freezing On The First Day

My eyes scan the campus walkways.

There! Right there!

My heart starts beating faster.

I can’t look… not directly at least. I just keep talking to AP on my cell phone as I walk past him around to one of the pillars of the building.

Quick glances.

I end the conversation with AP after I realize I’m mindlessly saying words to her and not actually listening to anything she’s saying. My thoughts are occupied by something else… or I should say someone else.

I hang up the phone and head inside to do what I had originally intended to do (officially changed my major). I walk by him. He’s on the phone. I want to just grab him and drag him over to one of the “private studying rooms” in the library to have my way with him. That would be hot!

So, lucky me… I get to see the guy in my history class on my first day back! Hopefully, it won’t be the last time to see him either. He is so hot… I can barely take my eyes off of him (that is if I ever look directly at him)! Maybe someday I’ll develop the balls to go talk to him.

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Ok, today wasn’t so bad. Just damn cold! I don’t think it ever got over 35 here. Just two days ago the highs were in the 70s! That’s Louisiana weather for you though! And tonight, there’s a chance of snow. Yes, snow! By the end of the week, the high will probably be back up around 70 or 80…

I had three classes today – chemistry, accounting and a computer course. Accounting is going to be tough! The professor seems like a bitch but a bitch who knows her stuff. The others shouldn’t be too bad… though the professor for the computer class is a whack job. Tomorrow, I have an economics and a statistics class… if they’re not canceled because of snow.

[By the way, I took that picture on the way home today… almost ran off the road doing it too! It’s related to absolutely nothing in this post, but I just thought I would add it to spice things up a little. Bonus points if you can tell me what road that is!!]

Spring Starts In The Winter

Classes start back tomorrow. Oh joy! Yes, the excitement I once had has faded. But it’ll be fine once I get back into the groove. It’s just getting back into that groove that’s such a pain in the ass.

And who knows what may happen this semester! I’m hoping a lot, if ya know what I mean! =) I guess I’ll just have to wait and see though!

Silence Is Golden

I was lying in bed late last night listening to the rain falling outside my window and the thunder rumbling off in the distance when I had an epiphany.

MY MOM KNOWS!!!

She knows! She has to! Like Red Bricks once told me, mommas always know! The signs have pointed to it for years – I just never noticed it until now – and something happened this past week that seems to have confirmed it. Whether or not she’s willing to admit it, though, may be a different story.

Friday, I was volunteered by my dad to go with my mom and him to Lowe’s to pick up some lumber and other things he needed to do some work around the house. As a compromise to make up for taking my oh so valuable time (of doing nothing), they agreed to go to Walmart to pick up some junk I needed for my classes that start next week.

So, we get to Walmart, and my mom and I walk down the school supplies aisle. Low and behold, there’s a clearly gay guy talking to a girl at the end of the aisle. I cringe. Any second now she’s going to lean over and whisper something about him in my ear. We walk past him and the girl. Waiting, waiting. On to the next aisle… nothing! She never said a word to me about him.

Maybe I’m reading too closely between the lines here, but that – her silence – speaks volumes to me! She always has something to say about anyone who sets off her gaydar and this guy would have set it off. But she said nothing.

Every time she has said something to me in the past about a guy she thinks is gay, I quickly brush it off and change the subject. Maybe she finally realized this or saw something in my expressions that sent her the message to stop… that hearing her say those things makes me uncomfortable and that she’s talking about her own son when she talks about them.

So maybe I’ve gotten further along than I thought… and without actually doing anything to boot!

Everybody’s Rootin’ For Ya!

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Getting to school early – around 5:30 am – to a cold, dark parking lot with two buses lined up, one behind the other. Everyone’s dressed up and tired. None of us are usually even awake at this time much less at school dressed in our best, most professional. We all file onto our predetermined bus and get comfortable in our seats for a drive to the big city. By the time everyone’s counted and the roster’s turned in to the office, the sun already peeks up over the pines and lights the once dim bus. Finally, we’re off.

More head counting and looking at who didn’t show. If they’re not here, fill their spot. We don’t need any empty spots! More panicked communicating between the two buses and all the spots are full. And we’re almost there. We’re all almost asleep.

Pulling into the parking lot of the convention center filled with other yellow buses, everyone slowly comes back to life… their once pretty hair they probably got up at 2 am to do is all messed up now. A quick word of instruction and encouragement goes to both buses before we’re let loose to join the sea of letterman jackets inside. Crowded and noisy – God it’s noisy! – I push my way to the men’s restroom to relieve my bladder and make sure everything’s in the right place. Then, I’m off. Oh wait, my partner! Where is she? She has to take this with me!

Joined up with her, we both walk into the huge test room to find our table. Accounting I… where the hell is it? Why can’t these be in order? Oh wait, they are in order! There it is!, she yells as her overly country voice seems to echo throughout the room.

We both get to our table and sit beside each other… just like we aren’t supposed to do. Hide your nametag, she says. We get the test. Phew! It worked! I breeze through it then sit for a little while as she looks on my answer sheet. I took the plunge first and got up – before she’s completely finished her test – to turn in my answer sheet. Can’t make it obvious by both of us getting up at the same time… they notice stuff like that here.

I walk out confident. I am going to state! That was too easy! A few minutes later my partner comes out and punches me for leaving before she had finished copying off my answer sheet. She even has the audacity to tell me she thinks I got one wrong! Thanks a lot for cheating off me and being so grateful I let you! I am your ticket to state, ya know!

We’re not through yet. Another test. In about 30 minutes. Accounting II. Me and little Miss Hillbilly again. We hang out and ask the others how they did on their tests as they emerge from the big test room. Some great, some not so good. We see some people from other schools we know and talk with them for a few minutes. I scope out a few hot, preppy guys from the big city schools. Just wasting time looking and chatting before our next test starts.

Time is up! The doors open for the next round of tests and people flood in to find their tables. And we’re right in the middle of the flood! Ah ha, our table’s close to the door this time! Hey let’s try sitting by each other again, she whispers as we approach the table. Hell no you ungrateful bitch, I think but just smile and nod my head in agreement instead. Doesn’t work! Our test administrator is a little more observant this time. So she moves diagonally across the table from me. No cheating this time babe… you’re on your own. We get the test… I don’t know any of this shit! What kind of depreciation? Diminishing what? Huh? We never covered this in that much detail! I speed through the test going with just my gut instinct for most of the answers and working backwards to figure out the math problems. There! I’m done! Whoa, she’s already left!

Right as I’m walking out of the test room, my advisor walks by me. She asks how it was and I tell her AI was super easy and I was sure I was going to state with it and AII was horrible, no chances there. Always kind, she congratulated me on AI and says I probably did better on AII than I think I did. Yeah right! There is no way!

So we hang around a while longer till everyone’s finished their tests then head off to the mall. I follow some of the girls (like usual) through all the clothing stores, down every tampon aisle in every store, and even a trip to Victoria's Secret. After they’ve finished shopping – and oh two guys from our school try on prom dresses – we leave to go back for the awards ceremony. See how great I did in AI and how bad I did in AII.

The ceremony starts. Blah blah… get on to the actual awards! To understand the awards, there are two categories in which you can place and only one overall winner for each event. The first category is like runner-up. The second category moves on to state. And the overall winner goes to state and gets to go up on stage to receive a nice plaque. Each participant is called out by their school’s name then – if there are two people in the event from that school – A or B. I was A in both of my events. For this, I’ll just say I was Hickville-A.

They get to Accounting I. The first category… neither of us. Second category… she’s called first then later it’s me. We’re both going to state!! She rode me right on to state, but I did better than she did on the test. Then, Accounting II. First category… she’s called out, no state for her in that event. Hmm… how could she have been better than me? Must have cheated off someone who actually knew the stuff! Second category… everyone’s attention (from my school) turns to me. They start the chanting – Number one! Number one! Number one!

Wow, I think, these people really want me to win this thing!

But my confidence in the AII test just wasn’t there and I shake my head. No way, I tell them. The list of names for the second category goes on.

Number one! Number one! Number one!

Still no Hickville-A, only B. Hmm… my heart starts racing as more start chanting… even some from other schools are chanting now! Maybe I didn’t do so bad on this after all… no, there’s no way… I didn’t know half of the stuff on it!

The second category ends. I was never called out.

And the overall winner for Accounting II who will be going on to represent this district at the state conference in Baton Rouge is…

My heart is beating out of my chest… could this be me? Could it? The chanting suddenly gets quieter as everyone listens to hear who it is.

HICKVILLE-A!!!!!!!

Everyone who was chanting busts out with cheers as I spring out of my chair and run – yes, literally run – up on stage! With a quivering hand from the adrenaline rush, I accept the plaque and shake the guy’s hand. Everyone from my school’s still yelling and screaming for me! I turn, waving the plaque in the air as the cheers get even louder and more spread out in the room, and instead of running back, I sort of jog back to my seat with the biggest, goofiest smile you’ve ever seen! Everyone crowds around to see the plaque and congratulate me.

Wow! I never thought this was possible! I never would have guessed I had done that good! I never would have imagined all of these people – both from my school and other schools – would be rooting for me to win! Yes, me… the kid who just three years earlier had almost no friends… no one cheering for him… no one except for family who seemed to care about him… who felt awkward and alone in the world… who wondered what a true friend really was… who wasn’t sure if he could even keep going. I never would have imagined then that one day it would be me who all these people were cheering so loudly for!

To this day, that plaque still hangs above the nightstand in my bedroom (and will go with me wherever I move) to remind me of the day when everybody was rootin’ for me. Every time I look at it, I smile as I think I about the time when the seemingly impossible happened and I realized just how many people had my back. A little bit of the adrenaline rush from that day comes back every time too.

On that note, I want to thank everyone for coming to this site and reading my blog! I especially want to thank all of you who have left such kind, supportive and sometimes funny comments and/or sent me an email or an IM! I really do appreciate it! It means so much to me… it gives me that everybody’s-rootin’-for-ya feeling all over again! Thanks so much!!

[Wasn’t I a little queen back then? Yeah, I was a little full of myself in high school. Just a little! I tried to write it in the way I thought back then and I think I hit it probably good. After all, it wasn’t all that long ago – about three years – and it was one of the more memorable events from high school.]

A Poem

Ok, this is not like me at all. I love to write things but never have I actually enjoyed or felt like writing a poem. It was always forced on me in grade school and I always hated it! But last night it struck, so here’s the poem I wrote. Maybe this is a new breakthrough in my life! I’ll be a poet… or not. Probably not!

I’m not sure where it came from. My fingers just started typing and this is what they pecked out. So before I start rambling on about something else, here it is. Hope you enjoy it and can make some sense of it!

If Only I Had Known

It starts young,
yes that delicate age.
I didn’t know,
I couldn’t comprehend.

It comes standard within us,
we’re born with it.
It shows its face
and never fully disappears.

It’s an ugly face too,
a face no one dreams.
It sneaks up on me,
I never hear it coming.

Attacking me
but I don’t feel a thing.
Not right away at least
can I sense it.

It tears me apart.
It tears at you too.
It’s only when I look down
do I see the wounds.

They burn
and they sting.
Nothing takes it’s away,
the cuts are too deep.

It seemed so natural.
It came without thought.
Harmless, I said
but now not so much.

So here we are,
broken and dislodged.
Look what it did,
I should have known.

But there’s no turning back,
the damage is done.
Natural it may have seemed,
I did this to myself.

Yes, those cuts,
I made them.
The bruises,
I put them there.

No bandage will
stop the bleeding,
no cloth will
cover the bruises.

I can’t fix it,
no, not by myself.
But I did this to you too,
I made you bleed as well.

So will you forgive me?
Yes that’s what you can do.
And I’ll promise,
I promise never again.

Forgiveness and time.
Yes, that should work.
And a “I promise never”
but only if it’s true.

Ah that’s the cure!
For the cuts to heal,
the bruises to fade.
It just takes time.

But the skin’s still tender,
the scars will always be there.
Because it never goes away,
just leaves for awhile.

But when it comes back,
oh I’ll be ready.
No more playing with fire,
I don’t do that any longer.

I’ve seen it now.
Yes, I looked it in the eyes.
But no more,
I won’t fall for it again.

But this wouldn’t have taken place.
No, it never would have happened.
The pain I put you through,
the pain I felt too

If only I had known before.
Yes, if I had only known
how much it would hurt,
and the scars it would leave.

Need Some Help

I was playing around with the way my posts are formatted - mainly wanting to change "labels" to "signs" to better fit my new road theme - and screwed something up. I should have known not to mess with it... if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

I changed that with no problem but now the damn thing's moved the comments link and the labels/signs thing over to the left. I want them back on the right! I can't seem to get them back over to there either. The editor won't allow it to be moved there... it just pulls everything to the left. And I haven't found any way to reset it back to default. Anyone know how to fix this? I know it's minor but little things like this bug the shit out of me.

[Edit: You know... I've decided it's not that bad the way it is now. I guess it was just late and I let those little things piss me off. It doesn't matter now. But Ryan - thanks for offering up your bf for help! - SlyD]

Katrina, My Dear Bitch

It was my first semester in college… not far into it. I was still clueless too. But that bitch we call Katrina attacked not only the lower parts of Louisiana but also Alabama.

Being in the northern part of the state, we never saw much from that dear bitch except for maybe a few showers (Rita would nick us and lay a few trees over, nothing even comparable to the southern parts though). The damages and losses from these two hurricanes – especially Katrina – were horrible. Not to brush that off as nothing but that’s not what I want to talk about now.

The north was suddenly crowded by evacuees. I remember sitting in the turning lane on Berts to go to Walmart for probably five minutes as a solid and constant line of cars flowed by. Whoever the hell decided a turn signal wasn’t needed at that red light should be fired! But despite the added hassle of more – a lot more – traffic, I never got upset about it. Put yourself in their shoes. I would be running away too if I had lived down there.

But the most memorable and inspiring moment was yet to come. The college I attend had opened its gymnasium up as a shelter for evacuees. My psychology professor – I loved her – decided to cancel class one day for everyone to go to the gym to help out in whatever way they could – bringing in food, talking to someone, playing with the kids, anything. We weren’t really required to go… it was completely optional and it wouldn’t affect our grade if we didn’t show. But I went, most of the class went. After our professor gave us a short briefing and had us check in, she left us to do as we pleased. At first, I didn’t know what to do. People, kids, adults were running around everywhere. I followed some of the guys in my class around to a truck unloading supplies, but they told us we couldn’t help (?). So I wandered around outside looking for some way I could help. I didn’t want to go inside. I had heard about it. I didn’t want to see that.

Finally, I found myself back at the front of the gym where several kids were playing. I watched them for a while and noticed this one kid in particular seemed sort of down, not playing much with the other kids. Opportunity! So I decided I would talk to him. I don’t remember his name… can’t believe I don’t remember his name. But, this kid was awesome! The strength, courage and maturity he had at his young age – probably 9 or 10... he told me but I don't remember that either – was amazing! I talked with him for about an hour. He told me where he had lived in New Orleans. That their house was probably destroyed. That he hadn’t heard from his dad in several days and had no clue where he was or if he was even alive. As we talked, he started crying a little at one point… and so did I. I wanted to tell him with certainty that everything would be ok, their house was fine, his dad was alright. I wanted to somehow take away the pain this kid was feeling. No one should have to feel that way, much less a kid this young. But no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t. I was almost at a loss of words. I just patted him on the back and told him everything would work out in the end.

After we talked about the hurricane and both of us stopped crying, I tried to get his mind onto other things. Can you imagine sitting around all day with nothing to do except for wondering if you had a house to go back to and if your father was alive? We talked about his hobbies and interests and ended up throwing a basketball around a few times. But soon, I had to go. I could tell the guy who rode with me to college – also in my psyc class – was getting ready to leave as this class was our last class of the day and we had been there longer than we normally would for a regular class.

Before I left though, this kid wanted to go inside to get a bottle of water. He wanted me to go with him. No! I don’t want to go in there! But, I followed him into the hall just inside the doorway. And as he turned to go into the actual gym where everyone was at, I hesitated. He looked back and waved me on. I couldn’t just stand there. I couldn’t just abandon him. So slowly I walked to the doorway that opened into the gym. Oh my God! It was so sad! People – tons of people – lying on mats on the gym floor. People just wandering around scared, confused. I stood there in a daze for a few seconds then I heard him calling me. I walked over to him as he grabbed a bottle of water out of a cooler. I bent down beside him (he was pretty short for his age) and told him I had to leave now. I could tell he didn’t want me to leave… I really didn’t want to leave (though I did want to go back outside) and I regret not staying longer. But, I hugged him and told him to stay strong and that I would be praying for him and his family and that I would try to come back to see him again. I never did… I had the chance to, several chances… but never did. I kick myself for not going back.

That kid showed me several things. He showed me what strength and courage really is. He showed me how to stay strong even when everything else has fallen apart. He showed that I shouldn’t complain about my petty little problems so much… they’re nothing. Not once did he complain about anything while I was there. And look at what he was going through. My problems couldn’t even begin to compare.

Many times since then, I’ve wondered what happened to him. I saw him and some of the other kids I talked to on the news the next day when one of the local stations did a report about the evacuees staying at the college. But, I wonder where he is now. If he still had a house. And most importantly, if he ever heard from his dad. I hope and pray everything really did work out for him in the end.

With A New Semester

…comes new things and new people. And late New Year’s Resolutions!

This semester my classes have fallen just so perfectly that I have no classes on Friday and my MW classes don’t start until noon. So since I’ll have the entire morning to do whatever on Mondays and Wednesdays, I hereby declare (makes me feel special to say that!) my late New Year’s Resolution to be to go to the local track in the morning each Monday and Wednesday and maybe Friday and do a little walking/jogging/running (weather permitting). I’m bad out of shape. Not obese mind you. Just out of shape. At almost 5’11” and weighing around 140, I’m probably underweight. My goal is to be able to climb the four flights of stairs to my math class this semester without walking into class huffing and puffing out of breathe like I did last semester with my history class (but remember who was in my history class? It made the climb well worth it!).

I’ve got to stop being so damn shy too! That’s another NYR. I’m going to actually have to talk to the people who sit by me in my classes!! Be the first to speak! I usually wait for them to talk to me and sometimes we both just sit there like dumbasses in complete silence since we’re both afraid to speak! It has to stop!! I’m breaking through my shell! I’m done with it! They won’t be able to shut me up!!

And this semester, I will finally try to get a little more involved in stuff around campus. There are a few organizations I’ve been eyeing for a while but never took the step to go check them out. Specifically, I’ll definitely be going to the Gay-Straight Alliance meetings. My brother graduated in December, so I don’t have to worry anymore about him seeing me going to the meetings. I’ve talked with the advisor for the group through email and she’s really great. I just never went to any of the meetings… even after I told her I would (oops!).

But most importantly, I MAY BE GOING TO GERMANY THIS SUMMER!!!!! The college has a two-week study abroad program that goes to Germany every summer. And I may be going!! I’m SO excited!!! I’m trying to talk one of my friends into going with me if I do go so we could go to some other places in Europe after the program ends (cause I’m not going to do that by myself – this little country boy would get so lost and no one would ever find him). Once the semester starts, I’m heading straight to the guy who’s over the program to talk to him about it. I really hope I can go!! That would be so amazing!!! I’ve always wanted to go to Europe and never thought it could possibly happen this early in my life!!! Can you tell I’m excited?? Euro boys are cute!!

I never thought I would say this, but I’m actually ready for the spring semester to start. All this alone time really is driving me insane! Still have a week though. Bring it on! I’m ready for ya!!

[ I’m really hyper today as you can probably tell… and Lewis, no you really didn’t corrupt me any. I was already corrupt! =) ]

Coming Out To Myself

It all happened on or about the night of August 11th/early morning of the 12th in 2006. And what happened is a little fuzzy as well. Nonetheless, here’s what I can remember of it.

I was on the computer in my room late at night. Everyone else was in the bed and probably asleep. I looked up some porn and drooled over the hot guys for a while. But porn always makes me depressed, so it wasn’t an all night event. After finishing up, I popped the earphones on to listen to some music while I played Royal Coalition (solitaire card game). Royal Coalition has always been my thinking game, and that night I would definitely be doing some thinking.

With the depression from the porn still fresh in my mind, the worst song possible was next on my playlist – Blue October’s “Hate Me.” I’ve always liked the song, but it’s just so solemn and depressing. Regardless, I listened to it several times and suddenly… it hit. Crashing down on me like a boulder. My emotions started going crazy! Fear. Anger. Happiness. Rage. Joy. Anxiety. Confusion. I almost started crying at one point. What’s happening to me? What’s going on? Why can’t I make it stop?

Somewhere amidst the mixed bag of emotions, I told myself I was gay. I finally admitted it to myself. And suddenly – even among fluctuating emotions – I felt free, like a huge burden had been yanked off my shoulders. It was an amazing feeling!

Why me being gay even surfaced during this wild display of emotions, I don’t exactly know. I don’t think it was the porn, though that could have played a part in it. I seem to remember reading some article online earlier in the day about gays but brushing it off because I was still in denial. Seems like it was something about gay rights. I took the stance that gays didn’t deserve any rights, odd considering I was gay and even knew it at this point. Remember though, I was in denial.

I think that was what ultimately did it for me. What ultimately led to my emotional breakdown and my coming out. As I listened to the words of the song, I thought about how some people might hate me if I was gay. Then it dawned me – I am gay and I’m hating myself here! Just earlier in the day I had said gays don’t need any rights – I don’t need any rights! I was discriminating against myself and others like me! I had been programmed – brainwashed – all my life to think that being gay is wrong. I finally figure out how to break the code and think for myself. I finally realized I was gay and there was absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Almost overwhelmed and in tears, I think I got into bed around 2 or 3 am that night. I didn’t sleep good that night either – or for several weeks to come. My mind was racing with this new perspective of life and the world that I had gained on that quiet night in the middle of August. The night that changed my life for the better from that point on. The night I finally came out to myself.

A Change Of Plans

My original plan to come out to my parents first is getting scrapped. I’m going to go out on a limb and hope I can trust my friends to keep their mouths shut. I just emailed one of my friends to set up a time for us to go out and eat next week. Have a girls’ + one gay’s night out before the spring semester starts!

I just read John’s most recent post over at Open A Window. His first coming out to his cousin inspired me to change my plans. Besides, I’m getting nowhere with coming out to my parents. I’ve got to face reality – it’s not going to happen now, I’m just not ready. So, I think I’ll try for a little practice before I dive in head first without knowing how deep the water is. I’ve got to tell my friends eventually anyway. The best part is I honestly don’t think my friends will care. Hell, they probably already know! They’ve been around me long enough and I’ve opened up enough around them that they’ve probably figured it out by now.

I’ve always heard that the more you come out to people the easier it gets. Maybe I just need some experience before I tell my parents. I was trying to take on something bigger than I could handle by coming out to my parents first. I’ve got to take it slower. Crawl before I walk. Walk before I run. And not try to jump into the deep end before learning how to swim.

On another note, be on the lookout for some new pictures around here, maybe even including a few of the mysterious SlyD himself! Also some time tomorrow I’ll probably try to post something I wrote (as in on paper) early this morning around 3 under the light of only my cell phone while I was lying in bed. I would scan the actual pages and post them, but they’re really sloppy with a lot of stuff marked out and written in. Maybe some other time!

Cold Weather

What is it about cold weather that’s so relaxing?

The crackling wood fire? The steaming cups of hot chocolate? The snuggling under the covers?

Ever since I’ve been young, I’ve loved cold weather. The colder, the better! But living in Louisiana, it never gets extremely cold. That’s probably a good thing though considering the one or two times a year the roads ice over people here freak out! Nobody seems to have the common sense to slow down and take it easy when it’s icy. We can all dodge the standing water on our pot hole-ridden roads, but ice confuses the hell out of us! Damn it’s all over the road – what do we do? Floor it!!

Enough with crazy Louisiana drivers (I include myself in that too!), I was a child fascinated by the cold. “Wow! It’s not hot out here!” Ok I wasn’t that stupid, but I always wanted to play out in the cold (I would love to say the snow but in my lifetime, it’s snowed maybe three times). My mom, of course, didn’t want me to go out and play. I remember one Christmas when I was maybe five or six I ran outside in 20-something degree weather in only my tighty-whiteys to see the icicles that had formed on the roof of our house! Who cared what Santa brought me, I wanted to see some icicles!! And when I was about nine, I had the chicken pox. I was out of school for a few days and my mom almost had to tie me up inside just to keep me from running out the door to play in the cold! I only itched a little bit – no reason to stop playing!!

Nowadays, I’m more content with staying inside around the heater and using my handy-dandy remote vehicle starter to warm up my car on those cold mornings to minimize my time out in the freezing air. I still enjoy a little frolicking out in the cold from time to time though.

But as I sit here and finish typing this, the fire is slowing dying down, the cup of hot chocolate is now cold, and there’s no one here to snuggle with tonight under the covers. Nothing new. Nothing new.

At least I’m relaxed… right?

New Years And A New Computer

I haven’t really been in a writing mood lately. I’ve wanted to post something earlier but my fingers just couldn’t peck out anything that made any sense (including the mess of the 2006 reflection). I’m feeling better now though! =)

For New Years, I went with tradition. Every year since I can remember, everyone in my family would attend the New Years Celebration at our church. Basically, everyone eats then the kids go outside to shoot fireworks all night and the adults stay inside and play cards or other games. I love to play card games! I was raised on card games! Battle, Crazy Eights, Skip-Bo, Bullshit, 3-13, Rook! I play ‘em all and love every minute! Spoons was the name of the game that night! Nobody seems to be able to get enough of that game, myself included! The second I walked in the building that night about ten people were surrounding me asking if I brought enough cards for Spoons! In total, we probably played close to twenty times before midnight. We also played Chickfoot! Long, long game! But with the right people – and we had the right people – every second of it can be fun. Everybody was rolling the entire time! It was great!

Overall, New Years was a ton of fun!!

-- -- -- -- --

And finally, I’m thinking about getting a laptop notebook computer. My desktop’s old and just able to kick the bucket. Plus, I need something that I can bring with me whenever I need to (and I’ve always wanted one too). I’m looking at this one. It’s kind of pricey but I don’t want to dump a lot of money on something that will get bogged down easily. Plus, the others I’ve looked at aren’t much cheaper and have a slower processor/less memory/smaller screen. So buck for buck, this seems like the best deal.

Reflections: 2006 – Figuring Out The Mayhem

NOTE: The following post contains a lot of rambling and reminiscing. You have been warned!

Two thousand and six – I entered it expecting it to be the typical year consisting of college, college and a bit more college. Boring. Mundane. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I have to be honest with you – I don’t remember much about the first part of ’06. It all just blurs together into two big sets – MWF and TR. Drive to class. Sit in class. Drive home. Eat. Sleep. Rewind, repeat. Nothing really exciting happened in the first part of the year. And that’s how I expected the rest of the year to play out as well. Not so.

The only thing I really remember from the first part of the year was my sociology class. I was in it with two girls I had gotten to know really well my first semester in college and had several classes with in the spring. The class started out great – great professor, simple notes, easy tests. Then, the professor’s husband lost his job and she had to quit to get a better paying full-time job. For about a week, we didn’t actually have a professor for the class. Random professors came in to fill in while the university searched for a new professor. Well, I think they just picked the first guy off the street who would actually agree to “teach” a class of college students entry-level, general requirement sociology. He was an ass! Mean, rude, confusing! No one’s opinion was right if it didn’t fall in line with his. He incited arguments in class almost every time we met and would then start cussing at everyone when he got pissed off because everyone was proving him wrong. And when people would start leaving class because of all this, he would explode and eventually just tell everyone to leave. The two girls and I hated him! We had some fun times talking shit about him before and after class though! Come the end of the semester and the professor evaluations came out, he tried to be all nice, but it was too late. I know the three of us and several others gave him terrible reviews. I haven’t seen him around campus since.

Oh yeah, I did get my truck stuck at my old high school in February after N talked me into going to the their last home basketball game of the year. Embarrassing! I had to basically park in a ditch because the school’s tiny parking lot was full. The dew fell during the game and all my truck wanted to do was spin the tires! I wanted to just crawl under the seat and hide!

Also, in February – the same day I got my truck stuck in fact – my grandmother fell and broke her hip. My dad and I had to carry her out to the car in a chair then my mom drove her to the local hospital. That was the last time she ever saw her house. She was in the hospital for about a week then moved to a rehab center not far from where we lived. She had Alzheimer's and never recovered from the broken hip. She was confined to a wheelchair. She had been living at home upon until she fell. The Alzheimer's wasn’t bad enough to require someone to stay with her or for her to go into the nursing home. But now that she was in a wheelchair and the Alzheimer's was rapidly worsening, there was no way she could go home. My mom couldn’t quit her job to care for her and her son… well, he didn’t do much of anything for her. It’s sad. So, my mom had to put her in the nursing home.

You’re probably wondering why I still went to the game even after that happened. Even though I insisted that I could go with my mom and grandmother to the hospital, my mom told me to go to the game – there was nothing I could really do that I hadn’t already done. So after much thinking, I went to the game, knowing my grandmother wouldn’t want me to not go just because of her. That day just was not a good day.

I ended the spring ’06 semester with three A’s and two B’s (Chemistry and English). Pretty good but I could have done better had I put more effort into it. I had planned to take classes in the summer, but the day payments were due I dropped all my classes. I needed some time off.

And I got my time off. I did nothing all summer long. Looking back, I kick myself for not doing something, anything. I think I gained about ten pounds that summer (come fall, I would drop those pounds plus about ten more to get to a weight I haven’t seen since early junior high).

Though early in the summer, my dad and I did install headers and dual exhaust on my truck. I lost a bit of my hearing then too. Word of advice: don’t sit in a truck with a V8 with open headers and rev the engine up to a steady rpm! It’s loud, really loud! And it will hurt your ears… permanently. And as usual, nothing went on easy. We had to cut some of the pipes in the just-bolt-it-up-and-you’re-done kit to make them fit. It sounds great now though… it should for all the shit we went through to get them (FedEx sucks) and put them on!

I took a few trips in the summer as well. My parents and I took a short trip to Hot Springs, Arkansas. It’s a nice little town but kind of strange in a way. I’d like to go back some time with some friends to check out some of the shops downtown. Then, my dad, his parents, my aunt, and one of my cousins (and me of course) went to Branson, Missouri for almost a week. That was one screwed up trip! We ended up staying in a trailer house at one of the resorts along one of the lakes there (can’t remember the name) because we found out that if you wait till the last minute to find a cabin big enough for six people, you won’t find one! It was nice… a little weird staying in a trailer though. This wasn’t my first time to visit Branson. I had been twice before this trip but never actually spent much time in town. I’ve always said it’s an old peoples’ or a family with little kids’ town. We visited Silver Dollar City and Celebration City (both great, Powder Keg and Wildcat kick ass!), went to the veteran’s museum (great and very interesting) and the much-hyped Titanic museum (crowded and boring), rode the scenic railroad (boring), and of course sat in traffic along the famous “Branson Strip” (whoopee!). The real highlight of the whole trip was spending time with my grandparents and playing ROOK (!!!!) with them.

As my summer slowed and the fall ’06 semester was looming in the horizon, two things happened that have changed my life - I finally admitted to myself that I’m gay and I started this blog! You can read more about all of that here.

In the middle of October, my grandmother died. She had been wanting to die since she was put in rehab. She would tell everyone who visited her that she just wanted to die. It had gotten so bad that I couldn’t stand to even visit her. It was just too hard to hear her saying she wanted to die and asking me if I thought she should go ahead and die. Eventually, she was put on anti-depressants and the death wishing stopped. She had also said she wanted to die before she got to the point that her sister got to. Her sister had Alzheimer's as well and got very far into it before she ultimately died from breast cancer that had resurfaced after years of being dormant. She was to the stage where she was completely dependant on someone else and didn’t recognize anyone and only dabbled. My grandmother didn’t want to get that bad. And she never did. She died still in the early stages. She could still talk and make sense most of the time, and she could still realize us. She would always get the biggest smile on her face when I walked into her room at the nursing home. My mom, who stopped by to feed her everyday, said that when I was there my grandmother’s mood was totally different – she smiled constantly and laughed more than she normally did. I regret not visiting her more often, but I can’t go back and change anything now. While I’m not happy that she died, I’m glad she never had to suffer through the later stages of Alzheimer's.

In November, I got a new car – a 2006 Pontiac Grand Prix. My old car, a Ford Focus, had been giving me some trouble with cranking, the a/c, and the CD player. Plus, the car was just built like crap. It was fun to drive, but I had serious doubts about how long it would keep running, at least all in one piece.

As for college, I had one of the most fun classes I’ve taken yet. It was a business law class and the professor was just awesome. I loved her! She knew her stuff and always had the class laughing. That was one class I wished would never end! I also changed my major from physics to marketing. During the semester, I came close to attending one of the meetings for the gay-straight alliance on campus. I should have gone, but I will this coming semester. I hear they’ve got a great group.

I closed out the fall ’06 semester with four A’s and one B. It would have been all A’s, but I couldn’t concentrate enough to study for my history final. It’s still good though.

At the end of 2006, I decided I would finally take that big step and come out to my parents, and while it didn’t actually happen in 2006, the fuse was lit. I’m still waiting for the bang.

This past year has been kind of strange. As I’m sitting here typing this, I’m not really sure what to say about 2006. It wasn’t a great year, but it wasn’t an absolutely horrible year either. I guess it was just an average year. Maybe 2007 will be a little more exciting… in a good way! =)

I want to thank everyone whose visited this site over the past few months! I especially want to thank everyone who left such great comments and sent me an email or two! You are all great and I hope you all have a great 2007!!