The New D

Well, I’m slipping back down into my depression. I’ve been looking online to see if I could find any other gay guys at my college or at least in the area. I did, but none of them would probably want anything to do with me. They’re all buff and beautiful. And me… well I’m just a plain old guy. They seem to have tons of friends… I have almost none. They seem like tons of fun… everybody thinks I’m just boring (but most people haven’t ridden in my car with me in town – scary but at the same time very entertaining). They seem to be everyone’s dream guy… no one would ever dream of me (unless it’s a nightmare).

But that could all be a show. You can make a lot of things appear to be much different on the internet than how they really are.

As for my lack of friends, I’ve found that the people I really thought were my friends may not actually be. For most of the past month since classes started back, I’ve been going over to their apartment about twice a week. This past week I didn’t go at all. I heard nothing from them. No calls to see what I’m doing or where I’m at. Nothing. Had the situation been reversed, I would have called them at least once to see what was up. Obviously, I care about them more than they care about me.

I’ve got to get more friends… meet new people… find a boyfriend who is committed to me… break out of my shell… have fun. And I’ve realized no one can do this for me. I sit thinking a lot about how much my life sucks compared to others and thinking about how my life would be so much better if I had this or did that. But nobody and nothing is going to change my life for me. I have to change my life. And damn it if I’m not going to do just that. I broke out of my shell and changed my life for the better in high school, and I’m going to do it again in college. It took me two years in high school to do that and this is my second year in college. I know the place. I don’t know the people. But that is going to change. The new D is coming. Just give me time. I can’t keep sitting in this rut I’m in. College is supposed to be about finding out who you really are. I’ve found out. Now, I just need to learn how to be who I really am. And that includes changing my life, changing things engrained so deeply into my mind they seem like they will never change. I can’t be shy any longer. I’ve got to break through the thick wall my mind puts up when I’m around new people. That is the first step, the first step in becoming the new D.