Between our wildly varying class schedules, me living far away from campus, and jobs, my friends and I usually only see each other on Tuesdays and Thursdays during common hour. It’s the same drill almost every time. Our huddle – AG, AP, S and me (that’s three girls and me) – perched up on the second floor of the student center looking out over the “grand walkway” that cuts the campus in half (the same walkway that AP and I have talked about staging a very loud and visible fake break-up on). We found this very nice spot at the beginning of the semester and AP has vowed to beat anyone who gets the spot before we do. So far, no one has felt her wrath.The conversation varies, but sex is guaranteed to be touched on in some fashion each time we meet. You would think all this would make me a little uncomfortable being that I’m not out to my friends yet. But no, it doesn’t (if it were guys talking about sex, it would probably be different). I commonly add my two (or twenty) cents whether it’s welcomed or not, but they seem to enjoy my male perspective without the straight male intentions I bring to the conversation. Hello!!
As if it wasn’t already obvious, I’ll throw a few hints into the conversation. They do no good though. Despite my suspicions of their suspicions, the hints never seem to register with them or at least they never say anything if they do catch them, but my hints are subtle, maybe too subtle. Or maybe I’m sending the wrong signals. I’ve gotten very close to AG and especially AP over the years. AP and I frequently have very deep and personal talks, and AP sometimes has a little twinkle in her eyes when she’s around me. Oops! Sorry honey! After almost six years with absolutely no sparks between any of us (at least on my end) and me never dating a girl, they have to suspect something!
I would have no problem coming out to my friends though. In fact, I’m dying to do it! I don’t think it would be an issue with them at all. It’s just that by telling them I would be telling the entire world and I’m not ready for that yet. I love ‘em to death but they couldn’t keep a secret to save their lives!
I know I’m being a little hypocritical about all this by hinting to my friends but at the same time not wanting to tell them now. It’s all a mess inside my head that hopefully will be worked out soon (I need to do some housecleaning up there!) but I’m actually very happy with where I’m at. I’ve come a long way in the last few weeks! But sometimes, I want someone to ask me just so I can say yes and for the first time, get at least one foot out of the closet. The door’s cracked right now… I’m just not sure if the coast is clear.
9 comments:
How much you're singing my song, Sly-D! I certainly relate to the theme, if I tell them, I tell the world. That is part of my problem with telling you-know-who. I know at that point it will be on all the news channels.
But I can tell your comfort level is growing even with that idea!
You will do it when you are ready... we all did...
Spider is right on....timing is everything. When you're ready. But, I really think the coast will be clear for you.....seriously, love will abound. Hugs will ensue. Things will be fine.
It has to be done at your own time.
I like your point about being asked, because that does make it so much easier than telling someone.
I'll stop here because I know how difficult this is--I always hated when my gay counterparts (who are more comfortable in their skin) pushed me to come out. That is not right.
I'm a gay writer with a dummies book. Can't get better than that!
Hi Sly-D!?
I came by via Lemuel's blog.
I have a red brain too.
I hear what you're saying.
It's true it all has to come from you when you're good and ready, but don't take too long.
Life is pretty short.
It's fun seeing how close you get to the edge of confession with trusted friends.
I just want to be there for the fake break up....with popcorn and diet coke in hand. And, dude, the coast is so clear......so clear. Very clear. To all of us.
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