And The Dust Settles

So it was late Wednesday night … about 10:30. I got this burning in my gut that now was the time. I started in my room and slowly made my way to my parents’ room. I mean slowly as in it took me over 30 minutes to get there… normally it’s done within about 15 seconds. I stood just outside their bedroom door as snores rang out in their room… yes, they were asleep. I woke them up to tell them. Crazy? Just a little. ;)

I knocked on the open door to wake them up. They didn’t know what the fuck was going on. I walked over to the dresser near the foot of their bed and leaned against it to face them as they fiddled around turning the light on. There was no turning back now.

The words came out so easily. It was strange. Their initial reaction was of course shock… I did just wake them up to drop a bombshell on them. Then the floodgates opened. I told them about the bf and the lies I had used to cover up what I was doing. That he was 30. That we met on the internet. Everything came out… and it felt great but horrible all at the same time.

The “what you’re doing is wrong” shit followed and continued almost nonstop until my mom busted out with a prayer and I told them I was going to bed. No one slept much that night.

I was instructed to called the bf the next morning and tell him that we could have no contact for at least a week. What did I do? I called him on my way to class Thursday morning and told him. I also told him that wasn’t going to happen. We’ve talked at least once everyday since we met… that wasn’t about to stop. But the bf said that if we weren’t going to be about to see each other for a long time that it’s basically over. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. He said he was willing to wait maybe a month but he couldn’t wait forever. I hung up the phone and cried the rest of the way to class.

Thursday evening brought about a long, thick black mark at our driveway. That always makes me feel better! It’s still there too even after a large rain last night! =) Oh yeah and there was a lot of talking… too much talking for me but it seemed to help them. I was sick of talking about it, hearing about it, thinking about it!! My parents wanted me to change and couldn’t understand that I didn’t want to change and probably couldn’t even if I wanted to. They used several bully tactics to try and persuade me to change – take away the car (which I’m paying for), cell phone (which I’m paying for), computer, etc. Nothing was off limits from their “we’ll take it away” scheme. But, it didn’t work. I wasn’t about to leave the bf just because they wanted me to and thought it was all wrong.

They called the preacher to come down and meet with us. In my mind, I was rolling my eyes. Luckily, our preacher isn’t of the beat-you-over-the-head-with-a-Bible variety. He was actually really good about it. Then my parents suggested that just the preacher and I meet. Ok?! They decided to prance off to my grandparents to tell them about me (they’ve been telling almost everyone they meet I think) while the preacher and I talked at our house. I know what they were wanting to happen – the preacher lay it on me hard and make me want to change. That ain’t what happened. To show how cool our preacher can be, he simply asked if there was anything I wanted to tell him that I didn’t feel comfortable saying around my parents and that it would just stay between us. How cool is that? We talked for a short while then he said that he really admired me for having the courage to do this. I was sort of nervous about how it would all go down with the preacher coming to meet with us, but it turned out much better than I expected.

Once the preacher left, I was all alone. Call the bf!! We talked about it all until I thought I heard my parents pulling into the driveway. It wasn’t actually them but they did come home shortly after. The rest of the night was quiet… halleluiah!

Friday was a tense day. It was just my dad and I at home until about 4 in the evening when my mom got in from work. Not much was said during the day. Then, all hell broke loose. My mom was crying. My dad was bitching about everything and making smart-ass remarks. And I was about to punch somebody. My dad told me that he almost shot me that morning. Yes, like with a gun. That scared the living shit of out me! He said he thought about shooting me in the ass to make me slowly die then shooting himself. When I was fixing my breakfast Friday morning, I heard a gun click but for some reason I thought nothing of it. Before I walked into the living room where he had been sitting, he went to his bedroom and put the gun up. He said me loved me and my mom too much to do that.

I. Was. Speechless.

Everyone else got up and left the room. I just sat there for a second. So I came that close to getting shot… by my own father? I got up and headed out to the steps on our back porch. This is always my place to think. My mom came out after a few minutes and sat in one of the chairs on the porch. I didn’t even look at her. She started crying more and in a child-like whining voice pleading with me to change… the same old, same old. I was at the edge of my breaking point. I almost lost it (as in rage), but I kept myself together and didn’t make a move. She left after a while, seeing that it was a losing battle.

I went back inside and fell into the recliner in front of the TV. The History Channel was on – my baby’s favorite channel. Slowly, my parents filed into the room. Things had changed. My dad had cracked. The near shooting and being able to tell me about it clearly changed something in him. He was different. He was making jokes about me having sex with the bf!! He asked me to forgive him for even thinking about shooting me. It scared me to hear him tell me about it, but I do forgive him. My mom quickly came around too seeing that my dad had warmed up to it somewhat. The tension disappeared. Suddenly, it was like things were back to normal. We were laughing again. We were smiling again. We were a family again. My dad even said that I could probably use my car to go see the bf if I promised not to lie about where I was going. What’s there to lie about now??

Things are looking up. I know this has been so hard on them. I’ve apologized to them countless times for how much heartache I’ve caused them (I don’t know if they noticed or not but I never apologized for being gay… nothing to apologize for). Things are winding down though. A lot has happened in the last few days. My head is still spinning! But the storms has passed. Today almost nothing was said about it, but the bf did call me when my parents were home. Usually he texts me to see if I can talk or I don’t answer and call him back when I can. I just answered it this time and headed outside to talk. They knew who it was but never asked about it. Little bits of progress…

PS: I’m sorry for not checking anyone’s blogs for the last three weeks or so. There’s really no excuse, I just haven’t taken the time.