I always hate the first day in a class especially if I don’t know anybody in there. Before class starts, I sit there watching the door hoping someone I know will walk in. The thing is I don’t know many people there. Plus, I feel really awkward when I sit by someone I don’t know. I’m not the most social and outgoing person so there is usually that unnerving silence. Several times, I’ve wanted to say something but chickened out. I’m fine if the other person talks first. I can take that and run with it. I just can’t start talking to someone. I guess that’s a flaw in my character. I need to work on that.
I think there is a gay guy in my science class. He sure acts gay at least. He’s pretty hot looking too. There’s a questionable guy in my business class. He’s not as hot as the science guy but seems like he would be more fun. There are actually several questionables in my classes (and some not but they seem too weird). Of course, I have no way to confirm their gayness (unless I walk up to them and be like “are you gay?” – see above for why that wouldn’t work plus it isn’t the best way to go about that anyway). I wished I had the balls to get to know some of them to know for sure. I think my gaydar is broken or never worked to begin with though. That’s something else I need to work on.
I’m really bored now. I have a class at two and I got out of my 12o’clock class early by about 30 minutes. Not that I’m complaining, that class was boring as hell. And usually, I can concentrate at least some of the time in a boring class. Not now. I can’t even concentrate in the fun and/or interesting classes (and no it’s not because I’m staring at some guy during class). Of course, I’m still kind of depressed, a little nervous about all these new classes & people, preoccupied with a large pile of shit that won’t seem to flush, and tired out of my mind because my crazy sleep pattern and the drive here (I’ve found that is what truly drains me – I honestly hate to drive long distances even though I love cars). But I’ve had all of that before and could still concentrate (okay so the depression wasn’t as bad but everything else was there). I guess that’s another thing I need to work on.
On a last note, I’m surprised I’ve kept this blog thing going as long as I have. Usually, it’s one post and it’s forgotten. It’s like therapy this time around though. I can vent all my shit to the world… even if they don’t read it. And I’m fine if they don’t. It makes me feel better to just get it out.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Talking To Myself
Okay so no one’s reading this and I’m just talking to myself. I do that sometimes anyway. I’ve had long conversations with myself on the 45-55 minutes drive (depending on traffic and which way I go) to and from college each day. It gets pretty heated at times too… well not really but I do talk to myself occasionally. It’s a form of therapy because there’s some shit I can’t talk to anyone else about but have to get out (even if it is to myself).
Speaking of driving to college, this morning on my way there a fucking bird or something flew into the side of my car! Whatever it was, it laid down what looks like a good-sized scratch. I was hoping the thick layer of dust and dirt would have protected it from any scratches. AND, I’m wanting to trade the car off this week or next. Fuck me! Seriously, go ahead. My car is a standard and I’m sick of dealing with a third pedal (see lazy). Yes, it’s fun at times but there are more problems than just my gripe about my choice of transmissions. I won’t get into that though. Nobody wants to hear about that, not even me. I wouldn’t mind driving another stick some day though…
Anyway, I’ve been really depressed the past two weeks. I’ve tried to figure out what caused it but can’t pin it on any particular thing (I think I counted about 20 things that contributed to it). I’m finally starting to get over it but it still shows its head from time to time. And no, I’m not on any medication for it. I was amazed at how hard and fast it hit though. It kind of came out of nowhere. I’ve been depressed before but it was never as bad as that was. My mind was running wild and I could hardly sleep at night (though my sleep pattern has been fucked up all summer). It was almost overwhelming.
One of the reasons for the depression was my gayness. It hit hard that I was gay, needed a boyfriend or somebody I could be close to, and that I was in the closest to everyone. I’ve never told a soul about me being gay (can you tell by now I’m a pretty secretive person?). Not even N who seems to be my long lost black sister and who I would probably trust my life to. I’ve denied being gay, bashed gays, and played it straight many times just to keep down or abolish any suspicions. Yes, there are suspicions about me being gay. And they’ve come from a lot of people including my parents. I think N knows though. She has me figured out and it seems like she can read my mind at times. My parents though… I don’t know. You see, we don’t talk about sex at our house so it’s already uncomfortable to talk about anything related to sex much less being gay. I honestly don’t know if I could ever tell them. My dad would freak out (and probably kick me out of the house) and it would probably crush my mom. I don’t want to hurt them or my relationship with them. They make occasional derogatory remarks about gays so I don’t know how it would go. Of course, I don’t think I’m completely gay. There are some girls out there that would really turn me on. I just feel a stronger attraction to guys. But anyway, I wonder if it would be better for them to just “hear it through the grape vine” rather than me straight up telling them. I wish I could just not tell them and them never know or know that they would be all right with it if I told them. So I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know.
Speaking of driving to college, this morning on my way there a fucking bird or something flew into the side of my car! Whatever it was, it laid down what looks like a good-sized scratch. I was hoping the thick layer of dust and dirt would have protected it from any scratches. AND, I’m wanting to trade the car off this week or next. Fuck me! Seriously, go ahead. My car is a standard and I’m sick of dealing with a third pedal (see lazy). Yes, it’s fun at times but there are more problems than just my gripe about my choice of transmissions. I won’t get into that though. Nobody wants to hear about that, not even me. I wouldn’t mind driving another stick some day though…
Anyway, I’ve been really depressed the past two weeks. I’ve tried to figure out what caused it but can’t pin it on any particular thing (I think I counted about 20 things that contributed to it). I’m finally starting to get over it but it still shows its head from time to time. And no, I’m not on any medication for it. I was amazed at how hard and fast it hit though. It kind of came out of nowhere. I’ve been depressed before but it was never as bad as that was. My mind was running wild and I could hardly sleep at night (though my sleep pattern has been fucked up all summer). It was almost overwhelming.
One of the reasons for the depression was my gayness. It hit hard that I was gay, needed a boyfriend or somebody I could be close to, and that I was in the closest to everyone. I’ve never told a soul about me being gay (can you tell by now I’m a pretty secretive person?). Not even N who seems to be my long lost black sister and who I would probably trust my life to. I’ve denied being gay, bashed gays, and played it straight many times just to keep down or abolish any suspicions. Yes, there are suspicions about me being gay. And they’ve come from a lot of people including my parents. I think N knows though. She has me figured out and it seems like she can read my mind at times. My parents though… I don’t know. You see, we don’t talk about sex at our house so it’s already uncomfortable to talk about anything related to sex much less being gay. I honestly don’t know if I could ever tell them. My dad would freak out (and probably kick me out of the house) and it would probably crush my mom. I don’t want to hurt them or my relationship with them. They make occasional derogatory remarks about gays so I don’t know how it would go. Of course, I don’t think I’m completely gay. There are some girls out there that would really turn me on. I just feel a stronger attraction to guys. But anyway, I wonder if it would be better for them to just “hear it through the grape vine” rather than me straight up telling them. I wish I could just not tell them and them never know or know that they would be all right with it if I told them. So I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Overjoyed
My first day back to class has started. Oh joy. So far so good though but I've still got two more classes. The brain-numbing 10:00-11:00 break is back this year. I actually have sort of a love-hate relationship with the break. It gives me time to do some of my work. But, it's just damn boring when I have nothing to do.
I guess that boils down to my lack of social life and limited number of friends. I don't make friends quickly though. I can't just walk up to someone, strike up a conversation and instantly there's a friendship. This is the kind of crap that makes me wonder if I'll ever really be in a relationship with anyone. I'm not a very trusting person. Trust, and friendship in general, builds slowly with me. I guess all the shit I've been through has caused that. I've had too many people I thought were really my friend turn on me and basically stab me in my back. Most of this happened in junior high which was a strange time for me and has ultimately shaped the person I am today (both the good and bad). Up until junior high, most of the people in my class were my friend (or so I thought). Then came junior high. Bye bye D! Just about everyone abandoned me. I felt so alone. I became reserved and quiet (which I have found is a weakness kids love to exploit). This brought on piles of shit ranging from "he's gay!" to "he never talks!" and anything you can imagine in between. No one ever threatened me physically (though as we all know words can hurt much more than physical harm). The gay part was what hurt the most... even though I am gay. At that time, I was still figuring myself out and hadn't really accepted that I was gay (this continued until just recently when I finally realized I had to accept myself for who I really am). All in all though it made me much stronger... almost to the point of being emotionless. Throw almost any insult my way and I usually just brush it off. I will stand up for myself now though which is something I wouldn't do in junior high. Had I been the way I am now in junior high, someone probably would have gotten their ass kicked (there's only so much I can take... how I took that much back then and did nothing is still a mystery to me)... by the so-called "goodie-goodie."
I wasn't really so much a goodie-goodie though (anybody that truly knows me knows I'm far from that). I just respected others... something most of the people that were in my class will never do. But it's all good now. After junior high, I went to a different high school where I basically started over with a clean slate. Everything was great in high school even if I did have to live a lie during those years. I was going to a school that was in a different district so we "moved" into that district so I could go there. Plus, most of the people in my junior high classes ended up dropping out and getting arrested for drugs. To this day, I avoid coming into contact with most of my former enemie.... I mean classmates.
All of that I carried on my shoulders and kept to myself though (the reason for the change in my high school was completely unrelated to this). I think I did a damn good job of hiding it too (whether that is good or bad is another issue) as I think my parents never had a clue about it. Though I'm a guy, what do you expect? For me to go crying to everyone? I may be gay but I'm not gay.
Until posting this, I have never told a soul about my junior high years, or at least not that aspect of them. The only thing anybody knew was that I hated junior high and I always just left it at that. Yes, there were a few bright spots during those times. They're just hidden underneath all the other shit that happened in those three long years that I still carry and will probably continue to carry for a long time.
I guess that boils down to my lack of social life and limited number of friends. I don't make friends quickly though. I can't just walk up to someone, strike up a conversation and instantly there's a friendship. This is the kind of crap that makes me wonder if I'll ever really be in a relationship with anyone. I'm not a very trusting person. Trust, and friendship in general, builds slowly with me. I guess all the shit I've been through has caused that. I've had too many people I thought were really my friend turn on me and basically stab me in my back. Most of this happened in junior high which was a strange time for me and has ultimately shaped the person I am today (both the good and bad). Up until junior high, most of the people in my class were my friend (or so I thought). Then came junior high. Bye bye D! Just about everyone abandoned me. I felt so alone. I became reserved and quiet (which I have found is a weakness kids love to exploit). This brought on piles of shit ranging from "he's gay!" to "he never talks!" and anything you can imagine in between. No one ever threatened me physically (though as we all know words can hurt much more than physical harm). The gay part was what hurt the most... even though I am gay. At that time, I was still figuring myself out and hadn't really accepted that I was gay (this continued until just recently when I finally realized I had to accept myself for who I really am). All in all though it made me much stronger... almost to the point of being emotionless. Throw almost any insult my way and I usually just brush it off. I will stand up for myself now though which is something I wouldn't do in junior high. Had I been the way I am now in junior high, someone probably would have gotten their ass kicked (there's only so much I can take... how I took that much back then and did nothing is still a mystery to me)... by the so-called "goodie-goodie."
I wasn't really so much a goodie-goodie though (anybody that truly knows me knows I'm far from that). I just respected others... something most of the people that were in my class will never do. But it's all good now. After junior high, I went to a different high school where I basically started over with a clean slate. Everything was great in high school even if I did have to live a lie during those years. I was going to a school that was in a different district so we "moved" into that district so I could go there. Plus, most of the people in my junior high classes ended up dropping out and getting arrested for drugs. To this day, I avoid coming into contact with most of my former enemie.... I mean classmates.
All of that I carried on my shoulders and kept to myself though (the reason for the change in my high school was completely unrelated to this). I think I did a damn good job of hiding it too (whether that is good or bad is another issue) as I think my parents never had a clue about it. Though I'm a guy, what do you expect? For me to go crying to everyone? I may be gay but I'm not gay.
Until posting this, I have never told a soul about my junior high years, or at least not that aspect of them. The only thing anybody knew was that I hated junior high and I always just left it at that. Yes, there were a few bright spots during those times. They're just hidden underneath all the other shit that happened in those three long years that I still carry and will probably continue to carry for a long time.
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