Quick Notes

- Last Sunday marked one month since I met my baby! We weren’t able to be together but we talked a lot on the phone... definitely not as good as being there with him but better than nothing. I’ve had so much fun with him over the past month... just being around him or hearing his voice brightens my day. Yes, I think I’ve fallen in love!! It kills me that we can’t be together as much as we want, but right now it’s just not possible due to so many things… that problem may be solved later this month though and it can’t be solved soon enough!!

- The parents are slowly making progress. They’ve gotten to the point where I can go visit the bf without having to make up some elaborate plan. My dad actually seems to be further along than my mom. I get a lecture from her every time I go, but my dad just wants to know when I’ll be home and that’s usually it. Both seem to have taken a sort of I-don’t-care-anymore attitude with me which – to be completely honest – doesn’t bother me in the least bit. Hopefully, I will be able to move in with the bf this month… and they’ll be left all alone after having a full house for over 20 years. What will they do?

Yes, all of this has driven a wedge in our relationship. All of the bullshit they’ve dumped on me and continue to do so (albeit in smaller amounts now) has done nothing but push me farther away and actually cause me to despise them at times. There’s still bucket loads of tension among us especially since my brother has completely moved out and I’m the only other human interaction available around the house most of the time. ‘It’ is never talked about until I go visit my baby and is never discussed after I get back home either. Oh well.

- Today was my last day of class!! Finals are next week. Another semester down! I’m almost half way through now and I’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel… it sho as hell lookin’ good too!

- And finally – when you’re out driving, be sure to look out for motorcycles too!

Fast Forward

Let me address some questions and concerns of yours first:

The brother – yes, he was told by mom the following day. My mom said she asked if he was gay and he once again denied it. He hasn’t said anything about it to me but then again he hasn’t said much of anything to me in the short time we’ve actually been together. The bf and I have decided he is still in denial! =) He’s moving in with one of his “friends” from his job next week. I have yet to meet his boyfriend his roommate and when I asked when I would be able to see his new place and meet this guy, he snapped back with some smart-ass remark… he knows I’ll see the connection between them! And luckily, it seems he nabbed all the crabbiness genes before I came along… too bad! =’(

The bf – I think the reaction he had came from him being afraid he may lose me so soon because the news I told him that morning left our future as a huge question mark… I think we were both panicking at the time… I know I was. He has been there for me through all of this since then though… the only shoulder I’ve had to lean on. He’s been just about the only thing that’s put a smile on my face the last few days. Hell, I would be in an asylum if it weren’t for him!

Moving along, everything seems to be going at warp speed! Thursday marked three weeks since the bf and I met in person and the L word’s been thrown all over the place and he’s making plans for me to move in with him next month. He’s already making plans for what we’ll do when I graduate from college… and that’s over two years away!!

Not that there’s anything wrong with this – I do love him and he does seem to genuinely love me – but it seems to be all happening too quickly. Even though I’ve never been in a relationship before this, I have watched many others and most that went so quick like this only seemed to crash and burn. I don’t want to get into this and have it blow up in my face. I hope it works out though! I know it can!

I wouldn’t be planning on moving in with him now if it weren’t for the fact that my parents are still being assholes about all of this… of course it’s only been a little over a week but we’ve already tied up once. I mean, raised voices, threatening to leave… it got pretty good! =) It all came about because my dad said I couldn’t go see the bf. You’re probably think ‘so what? you’re 20, you can do what you want.’ Yes but every vehicle I have keys to is in my dad’s name (none are in mine) and he’s told me he will call the cops on me if I run off – vehicle theft – and I don’t think it’s safe for the bf to come around to pick me up. Sad, isn’t it?

I’m so afraid that all of this bullshit will run the bf off, but he’s still here with him! He doesn’t like the fact that we don’t get to see each other very much – I don’t either – but I think he realizes that I’m trying to make this work with my parents and that at the same time they’re trying to destroy our relationship. Like he said today, my parents clearly don’t realize that all of this time apart only makes us want each other even more… and I missed him so much today!!! I just wanted to see his face!! At least we can still talk on the phone and I got to hear his voice! He had to upgrade his minutes because we’ve been talking so much!! Hehe! Sorry baby! =)

And The Dust Settles

So it was late Wednesday night … about 10:30. I got this burning in my gut that now was the time. I started in my room and slowly made my way to my parents’ room. I mean slowly as in it took me over 30 minutes to get there… normally it’s done within about 15 seconds. I stood just outside their bedroom door as snores rang out in their room… yes, they were asleep. I woke them up to tell them. Crazy? Just a little. ;)

I knocked on the open door to wake them up. They didn’t know what the fuck was going on. I walked over to the dresser near the foot of their bed and leaned against it to face them as they fiddled around turning the light on. There was no turning back now.

The words came out so easily. It was strange. Their initial reaction was of course shock… I did just wake them up to drop a bombshell on them. Then the floodgates opened. I told them about the bf and the lies I had used to cover up what I was doing. That he was 30. That we met on the internet. Everything came out… and it felt great but horrible all at the same time.

The “what you’re doing is wrong” shit followed and continued almost nonstop until my mom busted out with a prayer and I told them I was going to bed. No one slept much that night.

I was instructed to called the bf the next morning and tell him that we could have no contact for at least a week. What did I do? I called him on my way to class Thursday morning and told him. I also told him that wasn’t going to happen. We’ve talked at least once everyday since we met… that wasn’t about to stop. But the bf said that if we weren’t going to be about to see each other for a long time that it’s basically over. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. He said he was willing to wait maybe a month but he couldn’t wait forever. I hung up the phone and cried the rest of the way to class.

Thursday evening brought about a long, thick black mark at our driveway. That always makes me feel better! It’s still there too even after a large rain last night! =) Oh yeah and there was a lot of talking… too much talking for me but it seemed to help them. I was sick of talking about it, hearing about it, thinking about it!! My parents wanted me to change and couldn’t understand that I didn’t want to change and probably couldn’t even if I wanted to. They used several bully tactics to try and persuade me to change – take away the car (which I’m paying for), cell phone (which I’m paying for), computer, etc. Nothing was off limits from their “we’ll take it away” scheme. But, it didn’t work. I wasn’t about to leave the bf just because they wanted me to and thought it was all wrong.

They called the preacher to come down and meet with us. In my mind, I was rolling my eyes. Luckily, our preacher isn’t of the beat-you-over-the-head-with-a-Bible variety. He was actually really good about it. Then my parents suggested that just the preacher and I meet. Ok?! They decided to prance off to my grandparents to tell them about me (they’ve been telling almost everyone they meet I think) while the preacher and I talked at our house. I know what they were wanting to happen – the preacher lay it on me hard and make me want to change. That ain’t what happened. To show how cool our preacher can be, he simply asked if there was anything I wanted to tell him that I didn’t feel comfortable saying around my parents and that it would just stay between us. How cool is that? We talked for a short while then he said that he really admired me for having the courage to do this. I was sort of nervous about how it would all go down with the preacher coming to meet with us, but it turned out much better than I expected.

Once the preacher left, I was all alone. Call the bf!! We talked about it all until I thought I heard my parents pulling into the driveway. It wasn’t actually them but they did come home shortly after. The rest of the night was quiet… halleluiah!

Friday was a tense day. It was just my dad and I at home until about 4 in the evening when my mom got in from work. Not much was said during the day. Then, all hell broke loose. My mom was crying. My dad was bitching about everything and making smart-ass remarks. And I was about to punch somebody. My dad told me that he almost shot me that morning. Yes, like with a gun. That scared the living shit of out me! He said he thought about shooting me in the ass to make me slowly die then shooting himself. When I was fixing my breakfast Friday morning, I heard a gun click but for some reason I thought nothing of it. Before I walked into the living room where he had been sitting, he went to his bedroom and put the gun up. He said me loved me and my mom too much to do that.

I. Was. Speechless.

Everyone else got up and left the room. I just sat there for a second. So I came that close to getting shot… by my own father? I got up and headed out to the steps on our back porch. This is always my place to think. My mom came out after a few minutes and sat in one of the chairs on the porch. I didn’t even look at her. She started crying more and in a child-like whining voice pleading with me to change… the same old, same old. I was at the edge of my breaking point. I almost lost it (as in rage), but I kept myself together and didn’t make a move. She left after a while, seeing that it was a losing battle.

I went back inside and fell into the recliner in front of the TV. The History Channel was on – my baby’s favorite channel. Slowly, my parents filed into the room. Things had changed. My dad had cracked. The near shooting and being able to tell me about it clearly changed something in him. He was different. He was making jokes about me having sex with the bf!! He asked me to forgive him for even thinking about shooting me. It scared me to hear him tell me about it, but I do forgive him. My mom quickly came around too seeing that my dad had warmed up to it somewhat. The tension disappeared. Suddenly, it was like things were back to normal. We were laughing again. We were smiling again. We were a family again. My dad even said that I could probably use my car to go see the bf if I promised not to lie about where I was going. What’s there to lie about now??

Things are looking up. I know this has been so hard on them. I’ve apologized to them countless times for how much heartache I’ve caused them (I don’t know if they noticed or not but I never apologized for being gay… nothing to apologize for). Things are winding down though. A lot has happened in the last few days. My head is still spinning! But the storms has passed. Today almost nothing was said about it, but the bf did call me when my parents were home. Usually he texts me to see if I can talk or I don’t answer and call him back when I can. I just answered it this time and headed outside to talk. They knew who it was but never asked about it. Little bits of progress…

PS: I’m sorry for not checking anyone’s blogs for the last three weeks or so. There’s really no excuse, I just haven’t taken the time.

Out

I came out to my parents last night. It didn't go well. They said the car or the bf goes and that what I was doing was wrong. Blah blah blah. We're supposed to meet with our preacher sometime soon about it all so they can lay hands on me and I'll change. Yeah. I'll play along at first, but if they push me, they'll see a side of D they ain't never seen. I've been banned from driving anywhere but from college and back home. I'm thinking RUN THE FUCK AWAY!! =) They'll come around though.

I hope.

More later if I can.

Herpes

I awake this morning to little bumps… blisters all over.

I have herpes.

But the blisters are on my lip and I’ve known about it my entire lifetime. I have herpes simplex. I usually get one or two cold sores a year… lucky me that I get one now. No kissing or other activities involving contact with the blisters *ahem* until it heals. I apparently inherited (or whatever) the pain in the ass (lip?) virus from my dad. Thanks dad!

It kinda freaked me out last night when I started to feel the tingle of the damn thing coming on. Had I gotten something from the bf? I was really freaked to see it this morning… easily the worst outbreak I’ve ever had. So I was nervousing all morning. I was near panicking. The bf was still asleep. No asking him about it. Then I realized that I already had the damn virus anyway and that the outbreak was merely a coincidence. After checking out what can cause them, I understand why it hit now.

Causes:
Cold – Had a cough and sore throat for a week now

Fever – Not sure but I have felt very hot lately ;)

Stress – Check!

Exposure to sun – Check!

Menstruation – Ya never know!

No apparent reason – I bet that’s it!!

After consulting with the bf, he has never had them. He wasn’t happy to hear that we’ll have to hold off on a few things for a while. I wasn’t exactly excited to be telling him that either, but I don’t want him getting them… they suck! He understands though.

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And now having a boyfriend in my life, opening the closet door is looking so tempting and actually much easier. The bf and I have talked (and joked) about it a lot in the short time we’ve been together. I have a safety net now with him and hanging with him would be so much simpler if I just told my parents. Plus, I want to show him off! I hate having to lie to them about it all. Like the bf said though, the thing my parents will probably get caught up on with us is that he’s 10 years older than me. I don’t have a problem with it (obviously) but they may. Then again, there is a six or seven year difference between my mom and dad. If age doesn’t trip them up, it’ll be that we met on the internet.

Fate

Talked (yes just talked) to The Guy today for almost an hour. I was thinking once again about calling it off, but fate was telling me to just do it. You see, it just so happened that I was home alone again tonight - very unusual for a Tuesday. Unexpected things popped up for everyone except me. I took that as a sign.

I’ve been trying to keep my expectations for anything developing relationship-wise to a bare minimum and so far so good, but after this call, I’m not sure what this guy’s wanting. He seemed to be hinting at the possibility of a relationship happening. ‘Course I don’t want to be putting the plow in front of the bull here but it’s just something I noticed.

We’re supposed to meet Thursday at a restaurant in town. I can’t wait to meet him! He seems like a great guy! I really hope he’s who he seems to be! I’m so excited!!!

Now just to wait for the cell phone bill to come in… that’ll be a fun one!!

What Just Happened??

Oh. My. God.

Just minutes ago, I was having phone sex with a 30 year old guy!!!

I meet him and started chatting with him on gay.com. After chatting for awhile, he gave me his number and I called him. We started out talking about meeting up in person sometime. I told him I had never done anything before and he was cool with that. He could tell I was nervous and he was very nice about it. He was very considerate of me and my lack of experience. And just when the conversation seemed to be dying down, he bursts out with “are you hard now?”. The answer was yes, of course. This led into a long phone sex session. It was a bit awkward… hell, it was completely, unspeakably awkward! Nonetheless, we both “finished” then he asked if I was weirded out by that. Yes, a little. I told him no though. He went over our plans to meet and told me to call him whenever I was free, he wouldn’t call me since he might call at a bad time (when the parents are around). This seems to just be a fuck buddy situation, but he did ask if I was looking for action or a boyfriend. I told him either and he said that we'll just have to see what happens. I would prefer boyfriend if all goes well! =)

I was a bit hesitant to call him. Ironically, I had typed up a post earlier today talking about how I’m afraid of taking a chance and not being impulsive enough. As my thumb hovered over the ‘call’ button on my phone, I almost backed out. It hovered there for probably two minutes. But I thought about what I had said earlier. I was impulsive tonight and I’m proud of myself! We ended up talking for about 35 minutes. And don't worry, the parents are gone shopping tonight, the brother is in Texas, and I'm home alone.

By the way, the guy is hot!! If I can formulate a good enough plan, we’ll probably meet next week. Advice? Suggestions? Cautions?

Wow, this has been my dirtiest post ever! Sorry if you don't like all the sex talk... after getting off the phone and running around the house constantly screaming "OH MY GOD!!!", I said I just have to post this on my blog!!

Reflections: Gigapets And A Gay Friend

It's a long one today guys! I’ve been reading Lemuel’s latest series, Persons in My Life. It’s very interest and thought provoking – you should definitely check it out if you haven’t already. His posts got me thinking and typing about my younger years (which weren’t really all that long ago).

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On the first day of the 5th grade, an intruder entered our classroom. He was the new kid – let’s call him Jeff. Fascinated but hesitant all at the same time, everyone looked and sneered at him as we always did when anyone transferred into our close-knit school. Besides, it wasn’t often we had someone new around these parts.

But I remember Jeff was different from all of the others. The way he acted. The way he carried himself. Even the way he talked. And I liked it!

Jeff was the definition of a limp wrist, but at the time, I had no clue about all of that. He was just a kid I knew I wanted to be friends with. He seemed fun and outgoing! So while everyone else brushed him off – too young to have learned the marvelous and ingenious insults of ‘fag’ and ‘queer’ (just give it a year) – I quickly bonded with him. We became friends. I guess deep down inside we both knew we had something in common.

Jeff and I soon became inseparable. Where you saw one of us, the other was not far away. I felt closer to Jeff than I had any other friend. Even my 5th grade mind realized that. It was almost like – dare I say – we were dating.

Jeff introduced me to – among other things – those wonderful little creations from the early 90s known as Gigapets. I seem to remember them originally being marketed toward girls. Well, they caught on at our school with everyone, guys included – mostly because of Jeff. I remember talking on the phone with one now very straight guy in my class for hours about our new Nanopets (a much bigger, louder, more developed, and more attention-demanding version of a Gigapet). How gay was that?

With me having a Gigapet enlightenment and demanding my parents buy me every variation of them and even the rip-offs of them (of which they wisely did not meet most of the time), I – being the good little gay boy I was – needed something to carry them all around in. A purse? It would have served my purpose well… and sent the entire community into a loud rumble of gossip. But no, even I knew at that age that it wouldn’t go over well. So I moved on to one of those mini-backpack things. While much more masculine than a purse, it was still considered a girl’s accessory. Nonetheless, I begged my parents to buy me one so I could keep all of my Gigapets in it. After hearing ‘boys don’t get things like that’ a million times, they finally broke down and bought one for me. They didn’t get it for with a smiling face and a spring in their step (I took care of that for them), but they needed some peace and quiet I guess.

The next day at school, I proudly strutted around showing off my new Gigapet purse/backpack. I thought I was something, but Jeff acted like he didn’t even noticed. Slightly hurt by this, the purse/backpack never saw those school grounds again. Now doesn’t that sound like we were dating? I still have that backpack in my closet and use it from time to time when I travel.

During PE, recess, lunch or any break in the action, Jeff and I would commonly compare notes on how our digital animals were doing, different ways of taking care of them, and how we could hide them during class. Jeff’s pets were always doing better than mine. Mine were always on their last leg about to kick the bucket. Jeff and I would even “baby-sit” each other’s Gigapets at times. Occasionally, his came back with the much talked about angel on the screen. Oops! Sometimes we would trade our Gigapets, much to the disdain of my parents. Toward the end of our Gigapet fad, we became abuser. We had grown tired of the annoying little things and needed a new twist to keep it interesting. So we would beat and starve the poor pixilated figures on our screens until we all felt happy inside again. After that lost its spark, we tossed the damn things and moved on to the next fad.

Jeff and I started going over to each other houses not long after we became friends. I went to his more than he came to mine. I remember everytime I wanted to go to Jeff’s house my dad made a big deal out of it (you can figure out why). If it were left up to him, I probably would never have gone to Jeff’s house. Sneaking out wasn’t an option either as the almost five mile walk to his house would have gotten me there by sunrise (and someone would have seen me, picked me up and brought me home to a less than favorable reception). Knowing my mom though, she probably talked to my dad about it early in the morning before my brother and me got up and told him to let me go since she knew we were both close friends. It wasn’t until the later part of junior high that I discovered these secret discussion times.

The most memorable time with Jeff was the night I spent with him at his grandparents’ house in town. We frolicked around their small yard until rain forced us inside. The weather was starting to get bad. After listening to a few stories from Jeff’s grandpa and eating some of his grandma’s crazy good cooking, we went to Jeff’s room in his grandparents’ house and I noticed the yellow glow coming in through his window. I’ve always been told when it’s yellow outside a tornado, hail, or both is on its way (oddly enough – and thankfully – neither has ever followed the yellow glow). I started getting nervous. Bad weather has always scared me. Jeff obviously noticed this because I remember him grabbing my arm as I looked out the window and telling me not to worry about it. How sweet was that? He didn’t have a TV in the room, so he turned on some Celine Dion and a few other artists very similar to her that we listened to late into the night as my concern about the weather slowly faded away. We talked needlessly about the newly released movie, Titanic. Jeff was in love with that movie! It was all he ever talked about. I got sick of hearing about it at times.

It finally came time for us to get in the bed. I remember both of us lying in bed facing each other, Jeff rubbing his leg up against mine and holding my arm (he never held my hand) as we both giggled, I a little nervously. As far as I can remember, nothing beyond that ever happened that night or any other time we were alone together. I can’t say I really enjoyed it though. It was a little awkward and confusing for me.

After the 5th grade, Jeff’s parents divorced and he moved to a different school. I was left all alone to fend for myself. He left with me a few of his diva skills though. He cracked my wrist a little… something I didn’t necessarily need going into junior high. Guilty by association and by then everyone had learned those special words. Most of my old friends had left me behind because of a combination of me spending all of my time with Jeff and them knowing what was different about him (and me too). The next three years would not be kind.

I haven’t seen or heard directly from Jeff since then, some nine years later. I have a habit though of disassociating myself with the people I went to school with before high school. The times weren’t particularly good and seeing those people again only brings back the memories. But I had heard through several people that Jeff had dropped out of high school. Being where he was, I don’t think I blame him too much as I know how the people at that school were and still are. I did, however, see his name in the arrest column in our local newspaper – drugs. I also found him on a personals website. He didn’t have a picture, but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was him. He was listed as bi. Hmm…

The incident with Jeff was the closest thing I’ve ever had to a gay experience. Yes, you read that correctly – nothing has happened beyond that. Looking back though, I kind of wish Jeff had never left. Things were bound to happen if he had stayed and I don’t know that I would have had a problem with that. Plus, I would have had a buddy in those relentless junior high years. And who knows what might have happened between us? A gay powerhouse around that small country school? I guess I’ll never know, but I wish Jeff the best wherever he is now. Maybe someday in the future we will meet again.

Randomness With A Splash Of Good And Bad News

I just wanted to say that today has been freaking awesome!! I’ve been alone almost all day (very rare) and had fun every second of it! I popped in my favorite techno CD, striped down to only my boxers, and danced all over the house for half of the day! I can’t dance, but it sure as hell was fun trying!!

I thought about videotaping some of my dancing and posting it on here… that thought didn’t last long. Sorry guys!

I never noticed this before, but I am so much hotter than I thought I was! =) I mean just check out my amazing fashion sense!

While I’m linking to pictures, can anyone think of a good name for my car? I’m drawing a blank and I know ya’ll are a lot more creative than I am. To show how creative I am with names, my truck is simply called The Brick. Genius, I know! Give me a ton of suggestions (you can definitely submit more than one!) and I may have a poll to let you vote for the name!

I got a 97 on my accounting test! Holla!!

AG (a girlfriend): “I wish I had a penis. I would play with it all the time if I did.”

Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling, and everytime we kiss, I swear I can fly. Can’t you feel my heart beat fast? I want this to last! Need you by my side. Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static, and everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky. Can’t you hear my heart beat slow? I can’t let you go! Want you in my life.

Yeah, I just bought her CD along with a Madonna CD this past week. Next on the list is Barbara Streisand!! ;-)

We’re getting DSL!!! Most likely at least. There are still a few details that need to be worked out first. A few of you know that I’ve been stuck with dial-up because our house is the only one on our road that can’t get DSL. After a call to our local phone line guy, that’s about to change!

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The Good News:
I’m gay! In both interruptions of the word! Just the other day, a friend was talking about how much she hated her life. I was sitting there looking at her and listening to her bitch about everything imaginable while I wondered how anyone could truly hate their life. I love my life!! Yeah, I’ve been depressed and life just seemed to suck at the time, but even at my lowest point, I never hated my life. I’ve still got years ahead of me (hopefully) and I’m not able to sit around sulking while they pass by! So I put a smile on my face, rip my clothes off, and dance! God forbid I ever actually go to a bar and get drunk!! The things I might do…

The Bad News:
After looking up (stalking) tgimhc on MySpace, I… well first let me say I hate MySpace. I just hate it! One reason I hate it is for the very thing I commonly use it for, but mostly I hate it for all the crap people put on there… the songs, the videos, the millions of useless pictures (we don’t have to see the cover of every damn album you own), the colors that clash so bad they make your eyes bleed, the stupid cursors that change when you visit a page, the backgrounds that make it impossible to read anything, and I could keep going on. Maybe it’s just because I have dial-up and all that crap slows the page to a suicidally (is that a word?) slow rate. Now there are some good pages out there, but the bad far outweighs the good. And that’s why I use Facebook for all of my internet social networking needs. They don’t allow html! Thank you Facebook! I do have a very bare MySpace page though. If you really want to add me as a friend, shoot me an email. I’m not going to post a link to it on here. Don’t expect to find out much about me on there however.

So what was I even talking about? Oh yeah, tgimhc. Well, I found out that he is… straight. At least according to his MySpace page, he is. *sigh* Yeah, sucks but he’s still some really good eye candy! On his page, he says his willing to try “just about” anything though! ;-)


Hope ya’ll have a great gay weekend!! Be sure to post some suggestions for a name for my car!

What They Didn’t Say

I’ve been so focused lately on what my parents did say that I completely ignored what they did not say.

I never thought about it until a little while ago when I was in the shower (aka the Great Thoughts Generator). Yea, my parents asked my bro if he was gay but that was it! Nothing came after that. No ‘because if you are, we’ll kick you out.’ No ‘we’ll disown you.’ Nothing! NOTHING!!!

Plus when my mom popped the question to my bro, it seemed to be an afterthought even with her condescending tone. It was like she was telling my bro what my dad had said and then just tacked on a ‘oh, you’re not, are you?’ at the end.

Maybe I’m overanalyzing this again – I have a tendency to do that with things – but this could be just as monumental as my mom’s silence a few weeks back. Laying the foundation for things to come, I guess.

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My classes are going along good so far. I have my first test in accounting tomorrow! Not sure how it will go!

The Gay-Straight Alliance meeting on campus is next week! I’m prepping my friends for my absence during common hour that day so they won’t suspect anything. I feel so bad doing that though! I’ve ditched them once to hang out in the library (unfortunately not with tgimhc) and I’m going to do it again tomorrow to study for accounting. They never call to check on me when I don’t show up during common hour… I always call them if they don’t show. Maybe that says something about our friendship. Of course, I am hiding something from them so who am I to be questioning all that? We do all have our secrets though.

The Ongoing ‘Gay Brother’ Saga

And so it continues…

Friday night, everybody was gathered in the kitchen after my mom and dad had returned from their weekly grocery shopping. My mom, my brother, and me were joking around about something my mom had said early when my dad suddenly erupts on my brother with his “you’re gay” crap.

Now up until this point, all that my brother had heard about this had been translated through my mom. When my dad opened his mouth, my brother shot me that brother look that we use so frequently. It kind of scared me. Does he know about me? He does. I’m almost 100% sure that he does.

I leaned against the sink smiling slightly as I watched my dad assault him with a barrage of questions and accusations. I watched my brother closely. He stayed calm and cool this time, never flinched or showed any sign of discomfort. Maybe he is telling the truth here (he probably is). Or maybe he’s just gotten really good at it. But it’s always been me who has had the gay questions… he shouldn’t be that good!

Toward the end of my dad’s badgering, my dad said something to the effect of “you better watch that guy… he can get you. He can turn you.” Ah, ignorance! Again, I thought to myself “what the fuck?” That’s a very common thought by the way.

The gay accusations dissolved into my dad determining that my brother will be addicted to gambling – my brother and his co-worker went to the casino that night – and lose every bit of his money on it. This then led into talking about people from our church that he had heard had won like $10,000 at the casino and him passing judgment on them for doing that. Hypocrite. It’s almost laughable how absurd some of the shit my dad says is. Just seconds after saying all of that, he talks about some woman at church that he’s in love with. In fact, most of his conversations throughout the day are centered around this woman. Keep in mind that he’s married! I don’t know how my mom has put up with it. If I was her, I would have divorce his ass years ago. Sometimes, I wonder if they have come close to divorce over this but kept it together just for us.

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I was originally going add more to this, but an optical migraine suddenly hit me tonight. You know, the type where some of your vision just goes. I can’t see parts of the left side of the screen right now! So that’s all for now. What is here was typed earlier today before the migraine. Maybe more tomorrow. Or later tonight if at least the vision part of the migraine goes away.

Eerie Silence

It’s been very quiet around the house lately… too quiet. The calm before the storm?

It’s an uncomfortable quiet, thick with tension. My parents aren’t saying much and neither am I. It’s just strange. Something’s going on here… I just can’t figure it out.

In other news, my dad is convinced my brother is gay. I wanted to tell him he’s got the wrong son! Well, I guess… I’ve had my suspicions about my brother. Double whammy for my parents if we’re both gay!

By the way, did anybody see the gay twins on Tyra last night? Hot! I was just about to turn the TV off and go to bed when her show came on. The show was about coming out in case you didn’t see it. I watched the part about the twins which included showing them coming out to their parents. It seemed too easy, but there were cameras there at the time. That can change everything. It was a really short part – I was a little disappointed – and I stopped watching after that.

Getting back to my brother, it all started when he went out this past weekend for a night on the town with one of the guys he’s now working with. Not a big deal, right? Well, not to my dad!

After being proved wrong that my brother would come home drunk and/or stoned, I guess my dad had to resort to accusing my brother of being gay. Of course, what should we expect from him? He’s always been so negative about everything. If I’m ever in a good mood, it’s best to avoid my dad as much as possible. It’s almost like he wants us to be a failure. He even told me flat out to my face in high school that when I go to college I’ll get into drugs, sex, and alcohol and eventually just drop out. I almost want to do that just to spite him, but that would only prove him right…

And I don’t know where all that comes from. Neither my brother or me have ever been in any kind of serious trouble. My parents have had it easy with us! Maybe my dad thinks we’ve been too good. Of course, I’ve always been the more troublesome of their two children. I talked back. I was a real bitch at times. I lied all the time. I used to steal some of my brothers things. I ran through the house and knocked things over. And I got whoopins almost everyday of the week when I was little too!

Anyway since my brother’s night out and me filling him in on some of what my dad had said while he was gone, me and him have had a running joke about him getting drunk. Monday evening, my mom, my brother and me all happened to be home at the same time. I joked about my brother getting drunk, and then my mom dropped the ball. She told my brother about my dad thinking he was gay (I wasn’t about to tell him). It was weird. While she talked about what my dad had said, she used the word “gay.” When she asked my brother if he was gay, she used the word “queer” and said it in a condescending way. What the fuck?

I don’t like that word, queer. I never have. It has too many negative connotations for me to be comfortable with it, especially with the way my mom said it. I think I would rather be called a fag than a queer.

He denied it. But so have I. In fact, I think I’m long overdue for the question. It’s been a few years. They’re slacking! My brother, like I always did, seemed very uncomfortable and quickly changed the subject. Like usual, I suddenly fell out of the conversation when the topic arose. After having previously added a comment to everything each of them had said, I wonder if she noticed my silence. The entire conversation ended shortly after as both my brother and I walked away almost at the same time. For us to be so different, we seem to have so many things in common… maybe even some things in common that we just won’t admit.

My mom has always said she wished she could have had a girl. Would two queens be sufficient?

Shopping Spree And An Old Friend

Part 1 of my shopping spree has been completed. I got to town little over an hour before my noon class started. First stop – Barnes & Noble ;-)

A little intimidating (more on that later) but I had to go there in person. No ordering anything online. My parents (in all of their snooping greatness) would just have to see what it was I had ordered. And that wouldn’t work. I had originally intended to rush in, get the books I wanted, and move on to the next store on the list. Maybe five minutes, ten tops…

What is it about that place that makes you want to wander around and look at everything? I stayed in there just looking at stuff for over 30 minutes (and I could have stayed longer)! Of course, part of the reason it took so long is that I had to build up the courage to go down that aisle.

I was hesitant to go down there at first. I wandered around the store looking at several other things and picked up a neat looking book on architecture. I would pass by the aisle and glance but never would go down it. I was afraid someone who knew me would see.

But then I realized the store was almost empty and most of the people that know me probably have never stepped foot in a bookstore or if they had, they wouldn’t be there at that time. So finally my balls dropped and I got the nerve to back down the aisle!

I stopped right in front of the tiny Gay/Lesbian section. They can’t possibly have all the books I want with this very limited selection! I was looking for three books… they only had one. =) But I got more than just a book.

It was empowering standing there looking at that section while several people passed by and some looked. It was like I was coming out to them, like I was getting a taste of an outted life. And it felt great!! I loved it!! As I went to check out, the woman at the register suddenly got the biggest smile on her face as she looked at the books I had. It was like she was giving me a thumbs up! That felt great as well!

After leaving B&N, I went to Circuit City to check out the MP3 player I had had my eye on for a while. Nothing too expensive. All I wanted was something small that would hold enough songs for me to listen to while I walked/jogged/ran at the track. It fit the bill as did its price tag. As you may have noticed, that link is not to CC’s website. Yep, I ran over to Best Buy where they had it $20 cheaper!

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Since I had stayed at B&N longer than expected and ended up going to Best Buy to get the MP3 player, it was getting really close to 12! So I hauled ass out to the car after getting through at BB.

I had to stop at every damn light!!

An almost steady stream of cuss words was flowing out of my mouth (with an occasional break to sing along to “Play That Funky Music White Boy” of course!). I was going to be late for my first day in the class! I floored it leaving every stop and zipped in and out of traffic to get there. I walked in the classroom at 11:56…

…to see a beaming face! Tiffy!!! I was surprised she was so happy to see me! It had been last spring since I had a class with her! We chatted for several minutes and caught up with each other in the short time before started class. It felt so great to talk to her again! Still on my B&N high, I almost wrote her a note during class telling her I’m gay. Then, I figured that may not be the best way (or place… or time) to tell her. Between me writing cutesy notes and drawing smiley faces in her notebook and both of us laughing like little school girls, I think she knows though! =)

After class, we talked as I followed her out to her car. She let me smell her barbeque-scented trunk!! I felt so honored to have the privilege! She’s so much fun to be around! Then after she got in her car to leave, I headed to my car to drop off about 15lbs of dead weight and pick up Snap to go read in the library before my next class started at 2. I didn’t have long and only read eight pages but so far it’s great!

So, today’s been a pretty damn good day! Maybe it’s starting a trend!!

Tomorrow is part 2 of the shopping spree… clothes, shoes and who knows what else!

Silence Is Golden

I was lying in bed late last night listening to the rain falling outside my window and the thunder rumbling off in the distance when I had an epiphany.

MY MOM KNOWS!!!

She knows! She has to! Like Red Bricks once told me, mommas always know! The signs have pointed to it for years – I just never noticed it until now – and something happened this past week that seems to have confirmed it. Whether or not she’s willing to admit it, though, may be a different story.

Friday, I was volunteered by my dad to go with my mom and him to Lowe’s to pick up some lumber and other things he needed to do some work around the house. As a compromise to make up for taking my oh so valuable time (of doing nothing), they agreed to go to Walmart to pick up some junk I needed for my classes that start next week.

So, we get to Walmart, and my mom and I walk down the school supplies aisle. Low and behold, there’s a clearly gay guy talking to a girl at the end of the aisle. I cringe. Any second now she’s going to lean over and whisper something about him in my ear. We walk past him and the girl. Waiting, waiting. On to the next aisle… nothing! She never said a word to me about him.

Maybe I’m reading too closely between the lines here, but that – her silence – speaks volumes to me! She always has something to say about anyone who sets off her gaydar and this guy would have set it off. But she said nothing.

Every time she has said something to me in the past about a guy she thinks is gay, I quickly brush it off and change the subject. Maybe she finally realized this or saw something in my expressions that sent her the message to stop… that hearing her say those things makes me uncomfortable and that she’s talking about her own son when she talks about them.

So maybe I’ve gotten further along than I thought… and without actually doing anything to boot!

Christmas In A Crumbling Closet

I just wanted to wish everyone an incredible wonderful Christmas! I hope you have a great time this holiday season and cherish the time you spend with your family and friends. Merry Christmas!!

Things have been kind of hectic lately with all the typical Christmas stresses and helping move my aunt to her new house. But, I’ve decided to give myself an amazing, late Christmas gift. Next week. After Christmas.

The door is coming down.

I’ve read a lot of stuff on it lately and found this immensely helpful blog. I’m making plans now and like the idea of telling my parents, giving them a letter and leaving for a while to let it sink in. That sounds like the best route to take. Where to go though? Aunt/uncle’s house? A friend’s house? Our old empty house? Just ride around for a few hours and maybe get lost?

But I’ve noticed I seem to be out of sequence on the normal “coming out timeline.” Is it common for a guy to come out to his parents before anyone else? I’ve never come out to anyone, not even my closest friends. It just feels right to time my parents first. I’ve always been really close to my parents and I feel that 1) they have a right to know, 2) they should be the first to know, 3) they should hear it directly from my mouth and no one else’s before hand. If I don’t tell them first, word will get back to them quickly. Nothing stays a secret for long in a small town after you tell anyone even if you tell only one person. And I don’t want them coming me to saying they heard from so-and-so that I’m gay. That’s not how I want this to go down. It may not go well, but damn it, I want to control when, where and how my little secret is exposed to the most important people in my life.

And is it strange to come out before even having an encounter with any guy? What if I tell them and then realize I’m not even gay after doing something with another guy? I’m pretty sure I’m gay though. I’ve never felt anything for a girl except for the friendship, brother-sister type thing. Nothing sexual at all there. Bobs, butt, beaver – just does nothing for me. But, I’ve had strong, almost uncontrollable urges to have sex with a guy, to kiss him, to hold his hand, to fall in love with him. I can spring a hard-on with no problem by just thinking about a few guys I’ve seen maybe once. All of my crushes in life from been on guys. All of my fantasies involve guys. I don’t see how I could end up being straight after having all of these feelings and emotions.

With all that said, I know you all are out enjoying Christmas, but if you have any advice and any time to post it or email me, please do. Anything and everything is welcomed and appreciated!

Once again, I wish everyone a very merry Christmas!! =)

Will You Still Love Me?

Hmm… today something transpired that made me ask the question: is knocking up an underage chick out of wedlock “morally” better or worse than being gay? I know according to the Bible a sin is a sin no matter what the given action is, and since homosexuality is widely believed to be a sin (I’m not saying it is but let’s not get into that), both would be equally immoral.

Except that that’s not the case. A chick getting knocked up is nothing out of the ordinary – so common most Christians think almost nothing of it – however homosexuality doesn’t seem to be quite as common and is thus the unpardonable sin with the unquestionable punishment of an eternal vacation to hell.

As for how this came up, my mom received a call from a good friend of our family. This good friend told my mom that her son had gotten a young girl pregnant. Now, my mom has always said that this son of the good friend felt like her own son, like he was part of our family. Well, the son of the good friend said he wasn’t sure if he would be able to face my mom and others after what he had done. My mom responded that she loved me him no wonder what he had done and would continue to love him.

In a way, this comforted me. If she can love someone else’s son no matter what he did, surely she would still love her own son even if he was gay.

After she told me all this, I came so close to saying “so you would still love me too even if you knew I was gay?”. But of course, I didn’t. I’m still not ready and neither are my parents, especially my mom.

Ultimately, my fear in coming out is simply rejection, especially by my parents. My friends, I’m not so worried about. It would weed out the fake friends, and besides, you can always find new friends. You can’t find new parents. I want to believe that they will still love me and still accept me, but there’s always that little bit of doubt and uncertainty in the back of my mind.

Lonely

I’ve felt so lonely and disconnected even though I’ve been surrounded by people all day. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe it’s just the holiday blues. It doesn’t feel like Christmas time to me. Plus, I can’t seem to get the thought of the guy on the dating site out of my head. ARGH!!

My mom and I (I’m a mama’s boy) went to town for my eye doctor’s appointment and to do a little shopping for Christmas. We talked and laughed the whole time, but something felt weird, wrong even. Ever since I “properly” accepted my homosexuality, there’s been a void in my relationship with my parents and other people I know. And it only seems to be getting worse as the days pass. It’s led to many awkward moments of silence when I zone out thinking about what they would think if they knew I was gay. I think my problem is that no one I know really knows! (say it fast, it’s more fun that way!)

After my appointment, we went to eat and attempted to go shopping. Christmas time is always the most dangerous time to be on the roads and it only gets worse as that special day approaches. People lose their minds at Christmas time! Buy, buy, buy! Hurry, hurry, hurry! Wrecks littered the roads. People were driving like complete asses. As always, it’s all about getting just one car ahead… even if that endangers everyone else on the road. No one else matters except for me anyway. How dare you drive the speed limit, use your turn signals, practice correct lane change procedures, not run a yellow light just as it’s turning to red, and not talk on your cell phone all while eating a hamburger, sipping a drink, messing with the radio and trying to discipline the bastard kids in the back of your rough and tumble off-road SUV!!!

Yeah, we did manage to slither our way through all the wrecks to go to a few stores but bought nothing. All that hassle for nothing. But, we did go to a music store to see if we could find a DVD on learning the guitar (yes, I’m trying to learn to play an acoustic guitar – so far I can strum all the strings!!). The instant I entered the store, one of the hot guys behind the counter started staring and smiling at me! He watched me the entire time I was in the store. But I was with my mom so I couldn’t really flirt back. Damn it!

By the way, the eye doctor said my eyes were in great shape! He said my eyes had changed very little even though it had been almost four years since I had had them checked. I’m at –2.50. (I love being nearsighted! Fuck seeing stuff off in the distance!) They changed so little he recommended that I not even get new glasses useless I just wanted to. I probably won’t either since I wear contacts most of the time.

Reflections: The High School Years

Finally having my classes end for the semester, I’ve had a little more time to just think, namely reflect back on my life. I may start a series of these (I went back and changed the Semester of Change post to this) – only time will tell – but today I’ll focus on my high school years. The greatest years of my life so far.

Coming out of my rather traumatic junior high years, high school was a time of rebirth and growth for me. I was at a different school. I was with new people. And I was shy.

But I had some of the greatest classmates anyone could ask for. They welcomed me in like I had been there for years. It was a shock to me that these people actually wanted to get to know me, wanted to be my friend. In junior high, that was anything but the case.

High school saw my popularity grow. Me, popular?! Who would have ever imagined that? Definitely not me! I started out as a nothing freshman, but as time passed, people began to notice me. People began to recognize me. People began to respect me. By my junior year, I had more power around that school than I realized.

It didn’t hurt that I did good on my work and would usually help anyone who didn’t get on my nerves. Not to brag but I graduated with a 4.0 and one of the highest ACT scores that school had ever seen (I had the highest math score from the school). I wasn’t a bookworm though. Hell no. But most of my classmates put me up on a pedestal as a genius and a goodie-goodie. I was neither. I just did all of my work and actually tried. That doesn’t qualify me as a genius. As for the ACT score, it’s a standardized test. If you can figure out the pattern, you can kick ass. But I guess you have to be kind of smart to figure them out. The goodie-goodie reputation was laughable to anyone who truly knew me. I cheated. I helped others cheat. I talked nothing but shit about people. I would cuss you out at the drop of a hat. I had extreme apathy for my school work. I never paid attention in class. Those who didn’t know me never had a clue about the way I was. They only thought I was a quiet nerd. They missed out!

I was really popular with the teachers too. They loved me! I caught on to things very quickly. I did all of my work. I was quiet in class (or so they thought, they just never caught me). I was their dream student. More than one teacher had told me that if they had a class full of mes they’re job would be almost too easy. And I never sucked up to them either. Honestly!

Being a tiny country school, the teachers and students got to know each other very well. We could all joke together and sometimes the teachers would just want to hang out with us during and even after class (we were their favorite class after all). Most of the teachers were very cool and laid back. But boy did they gossip! I saw it first hand too. I was a student worker for one teacher in particular my senior year. Damn! This woman did nothing but gossip about everyone. Teachers and students! I mean, she was all up in everybody’s business! Of special interest to her was everyone’s sex life! She would ask me and another girl who worked for her at the same time if we knew if anyone in our class had been sleeping around! What the fuck? Yeah, I always got the juicy info from N, but that’s really none of my business much less a teacher’s business! She was a sex freak anyway. Every chance she had to make something sexual, she took it. It was just sick at times. I sometimes wondered if she had something going on with some of the guys in the school. She sure was all touchy-feely with me on several occasions.

Clubs were my life in high school. I was in almost every club offered. I was even in an abstinence club! (Stop laughing! I always wondered how a gay person could practice abstinence since we can’t get married or pregnant – not that I ever thought of practicing it anyway.) My big dog clubs were Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) and Family, Career, and Community Leaders of America (FCCLA, formerly FHA – what can a gay boy say?). In both, I came SO close to qualifying for nationals in their respective events but never quite made it. FCCLA was my favorite out of the two and the one I was most active in. I held a local office for three years. I was even president my senior year, beating a very good friend of mine (AP) for the position by one vote. I’ll never forget the day my advisor broke the news to AP and me. We were both in shock. AP had actually talked me out of running for president and just taking vice president (in that case, we both would have gotten our office by default without a vote since no one else was running for them), but our advisor talked me back into running the day of the vote. I even think our advisor was shocked that I won! She didn’t think I was as popular as I was. But the girls loved me! They wanted me. That was my strength. If only they knew…

I met some really great friends in high school and had an awesome class. Most of us genuinely cared about each other. It was like we were a real family. I looked forward to going to school each day because I enjoyed being around my classmates. I loved high school and always hated the idea of graduating. That meant our family would be broken up! But life doesn’t always go along with my ideas and by the end of my senior year, I was ready to get out. Everything seemed to pile up at the end of the year which stressed me out big time. The long-standing tradition of an end-of-the-year FCCLA party, which I, as president, had to organize, didn’t help alleviate any of the stress (oddly this tradition ended after our extremely active class graduated – we kept this thing going each year because we wanted it and had the determination to get it done). So on May 13th, 2005, I walked the stage to receive my diploma. Friday, the 13th. Lucky us!

I never came out during high school. The thought of doing so never actually crossed my mind. I’ll be honest – I was still in denial about it even though in my heart I knew I really was gay. The funniest thing is that I graduated as the top student in my class and one of the most highly respected students – by students and faculty alike – in the entire school. Yes, me, the gay boy! Graduated top in my class from small Hickville High in a bigot-ridden southern dot on the map! When I graduated, everyone knew my name. They knew D. Knew who I was. Knew what I had done. Knew everything except for my dirty little secret. So as I stood on stage during graduation and accepted my diploma, I couldn’t help but smile as I knew the influences this gay boy had had on this redneck school. I couldn’t help but smile as I thought of all the fun times I had had. Of all the friends I had made. Of all the great memories I would keep forever.

I didn’t want to leave, but life moves on and I had to go with it. If I could go back, yes I would do a few things different. I would be little wilder and go out with my friends a little more often. I would probably come out too. It would be interesting to see how popular I would be then. I might be surprised though since a lot of people loved me.

But I wasn’t the only gay person in my class. We had a lesbian who graduated top in our class as well. We had four 4.0ers (out of 27 in the class) – three girls, one guy (that’s me!). Yes, two of us were gay! We were both in the closet, even to each other. Her secret was pretty much out though. Everyone knew even though she constantly denied it. But she had some problems, anger and depression problems. I tried to be her friend (she was actually a very distant relative of mine), but she was just too damn annoying. I couldn’t stand being around her for long since she oozed hate and anger and sucked the fun out of everything. You know Debbie Downer from SNL? That was this girl only with a really bad attitude! She always clung to me too for some reason. Maybe her gaydar worked better than mine and she knew the truth. I tried to avoid her as much as possible, but I felt bad for her at the same time since she clearly had some problems and almost no one liked her. Even though I guess I become “popular,” I still made a note to talk to those who everyone ignored and may not have gained popularity like I had. Most of them seemed happy to have someone from the “in crowd” come and hang with them for a while. Some other people would make comments about me doing that, but I didn’t care. I know what it’s like for them. I’ve been there. It’s not fun to be ignored and mocked.

I had my very own stalker in high school too! I felt so privileged! It all started toward the end of my junior year. My stalker was a girl from a neighboring high school. We had both qualified for the state literary rally and everyone in the whole parish rode together on a bus and stayed at the same hotel for the event. Well, she fell in love with me on the trip! On the way home, she told one of the cool teachers from my school that she had a crush on me and the teacher then told me. It all made sense then! She had strangely hung around me a lot during the trip – following my friend (AG) and me through the mall, asking to see my senior ring (but no one else’s from our school) and wanting to play cards (Rook baby!) with the group from our school even though she didn’t know how to play. Anyway, I didn’t know what to do (is it really a surprise to anyone at this point that I didn’t know what to do?). I thought about talking to her then maybe breaking it off later if she really fell for me. Or maybe being an ass to her and hoping that she was turned off by that (I’m too nice of a guy to do that though). Or just ignoring her and hoping she would go away. Yeah, I went with the last option. It didn’t work! She started coming to all of our school’s home basketball games looking for me (I never went to any of them). She went to most of the extracurricular events I went to (for example, a district Beta meeting). It was kind of creepy. This bitch was determined though as she stalked me all through my senior year. She was probably at my graduation still wanting a piece of me! She probably still gets wet just thinking of me! (Isn’t that what girls do? I’m clueless when it comes to female stuff like that.) Why can’t I meet guys like that now? I should see if I can find her number and call her.

My high school years were awesome! I’m so glad I can look back today and laugh about all the amazing people I met and the great times I had. If only I had gotten laid back then! By a guy of course! Oh yeah! One in particular I would have loved to have had my way with! I did sleep with him on a school trip! =) Nothing happened though. =( But I did wake up the next morning with him all over on my side of the bed. There was another guy I would have loved to have tussled with under the sheets who I had my suspicions about. There was something about the way he looked into my eyes when we would talk. It was like he was trying to seduce me. I should have taken a swing at him to see what would have happened! I may have been surprised by the outcome! Anyway, he always came to me for advice and wanted to have one-on-one talks with me about life stuff. I was a year older than him but I’m not sure why he came to me for that. He was cute though so it didn’t bother me any!

For the longest time after I graduated, I missed high school like crazy. I couldn’t listen to Graduation/Friends Forever by Vitamin C without crying! It still chokes me up a little. But, I’ve moved on now. I realized I have a new adventure ahead of me that just may put the fun of high school to shame! I will never forget the friends I made and the great times I had in high school though. I couldn’t forget them even if I tried!

Reflections: Fall 2006 – A Semester Of Change

Looking back over this semester, it’s amazing how much I’ve changed. I created this blog the Sunday before classes started and looking over my early posts it’s clear there’s a difference. In my writing. In my mood. In my personality. In the way I think. I am not the same person I was four short months ago.

A lot has happened this semester and in the weeks leading up to it. Things that, while very difficult at the time, have turned me into a much different and, for the most part, better person. The most influential thing that happened actually took place in the weeks just before the semester started. Depression. Deep, deep depression. That awful, crushing depression I experienced made me much stronger and laid the foundation for the changes that were coming my way. It made me realize who I am. That I had to embrace who I am – had to embrace that I am gay – and not be ashamed of myself. It took me 19 years to figure that out. Battling off such an overwhelming depression wasn’t an easy task, but that alone showed me that I had the inner strength to do whatever I set my mind to. After the depression hit, I figured I would have to get drugs to make it go away or just deal with it for the rest of my life. I did neither. It is gone now. I feel stupid crediting depression for shaping me into a better person, but it really was a big part of it.

Of course, depression isn’t the only thing that helped facilitate the change. This blog played a huge role as well. Never before had I been able to vent my feelings, frustrations, past trauma or whatever. I had nobody I felt I could talk to about most of the stuff in my life. I had so much shit pent up inside of me that I had never let out before. It never mattered that only a couple of people even read this. I’ve unloaded my guts here and it feels great to have done so.

It amazes me how much I’ve changed and the short amount of time in which it took place. To show how extreme and sudden some of the changes were, I went from leaning toward being a conservative republican before the semester began to relating closely with liberal democrats almost within the span of a single day. How’s that for a big change?

As for my social life, well… not much has changed in that department. I met one person this semester who I became friends with – K – but towards the end of the semester we started to drift apart it seemed. I would say we’re still friends just not as close as we were earlier. Oh well. I’ve still got several more years of college to develop a social life.

Will SlyD ever get any ass? Will he turn into a whore? Will he ever see the guy in his history class again? Will he find the love of his life? Will he ever come out of the closet? What will everyone’s reaction be? Tune in next semester to find out! On… the Misadventures of SlyD!!

College really is all about figuring yourself out. And I’ve done just that… so can I quit now?

Ranting

Today, my mom was doing one of her emotional rants filled to the brim with crying, frustration, and the usual hesitations as she thinks of an allowed replacement for a cuss word*. But while she was going full-steam in rant mode, I couldn’t think of anything except saying “well, I guess this wouldn’t be a good time to tell you I’m gay.” Just thinking about that makes me laugh.

Seeing my mom’s rant makes me glad I’m gay. Women are just too damn emotional! There’s no way I could even fake a straight relationship with a girl. I. Would. Go. In. Sane. I just couldn’t do it. Friends, yeah. Relationship, hell no. Of course, what do I know… I haven’t even been in any relationship.

* I’ve never understood that – whether you say shoot/shit or anything of the like, they both mean the same thing if used in the same context, so why is one considered worse than the other?