D-Tour

A Christmas Twist

2008-01-02T14:24:00.000-06:00

So ok… I’m back.

But probably only for a little while.

And boy have I had a lot go on since the last time I posted!!

I moved in with the bf in early July though I had basically been there 90% of the time in June. There’s just something sweet about lying in bed with the person you love each night with our arms wrapped around each other. It’s really nice. He’s deemed me the housewife though since I do most of the cleaning and stuff. We’ve had so much fun together!

Christmas time rolls around and I started reminiscing about old Christmases and asking the bf if he was going to put a tree up. No. One day, he decided he needed to go pick up some Christmas stuff to decorate the place where he works (they go all out there for Christmas) and he wanted me to tag along too. So I went with him. He looked at the trees and couldn’t find what he wanted then asked me to help him pick out some ornaments and other little things. We go to check out and I asked him something about where he was going to put all of this where he works. He smiled and said it was for the house. =) We went somewhere else and finally found the right tree.

Christmas brought more surprises than that. On Christmas eve, I went to my parents to have our whole Christmas deal. My brother was there and we ate and opened our gifts. Then, my parents and I went to my grandparents’ house. They were having the entire family there on Christmas day for lunch and my mamaw was begging me to come. However, I had already promised the bf that I was going to spend Christmas day with him. I told my mamaw I wasn’t sure if I was going to come. She saw right through that.

On the evening of Christmas eve, we went out to eat with the bf’s boss and his family. During our little dinner, my cell phone rings. It’s my mom. I answer and she’s crying about how she thought I felt bad because I didn’t get them as much as my brother did (who has a full time, well-paying job while I’m only part-timing it). I had jokingly said something about it earlier. I didn’t care. I swear she takes things too seriously.

Anyway, she stops crying and tells me she really would like it if I would come down the next day for Christmas. I roll my eyes. She knows I’m not coming and she knows why. But she pauses and these are the words I hear – “you know we don’t approve of all of this but if you want to, you can bring [the bf] with you tomorrow.” I nearly went into shock!! Are these the same people who threatened to shot him if I brought him down there?! Can’t be. Just can’t.

I asked her if she was sure it was ok. She said that it was. I left it open at the time as to whether or not we would come, but she knew what was going to happen.

I got off the phone, just looked at the bf and told him he would never believe what just happened. He asked if something was wrong. I simply said “they said you could come tomorrow.” He looked just as shocked as I probably did. Without missing a beat, he said ok and that he’ll go. He later told me he knew something was up just from the look on my face while I was on the phone. He had made plans to cook some stuff the next day but he quickly forgot about all of that. He knew this was what I had been wanting for a long time but had pretty much come to terms with it not happening anytime soon. He was fully supportive of this and even told me that we were going when I said something about maybe not going. I was honestly afraid this would be a huge clash.

We got up bright and early Christmas day and got ready. He asked if I was nervous. I wasn’t near as nervous as I thought I would be. Then we headed out. It was about a 45 minute drive. He was getting a little nervous the closer we got. He wouldn’t admit it but I could tell. We got there and parked. The entire family… well on my dad’s side. I still couldn’t believe it. That’s awfully brave of them to meet the bf for the first time in front of the entire family. Wow! I’m still shocked about it!

We walk down to the little house where my family usually has get-togethers. The blinds are open. I’m sure my parents have had their eyes pilled to the windows to see when we got there and get their first glimpse of him. I get to the door and put my hand on the knob. I’m not nervous. I turn to the bf and ask him if he’s ready. He smiles big and nods his head yes. I sling the door open and everyone’s eyes gravitate toward us. They all know who was walking in. They all know I’m gay by now and I’m sure they all knew my bf was coming with me. I quickly scan the room to find my targets. There’s my mamaw smiling as big as she can and running over to give both of us a hug. I think she even called him by name. My mom is standing just to our right behind the bar. I throw her a huge smile and introduce her to the bf. I bet her heart was pounding out of her chest! They shake hands and she quickly moves away. Next up is my dad. He’s sitting playing dominoes. He looks up at us and I introduce him to the bf. He just about shit his pants! His hand was shaking when he reached out to shake the bf’s hand and his voice was quivering when he spoke. Ouch! Uncomfortable…

I introduce him to a few other people and we sit down at the end of a table where my mom and a few of my aunts and uncles were playing Skip-Bo. As we watched them play and I explain the rules to the bf, more of the family files in. No one asked who the intruder is. They all know who he is and who he’s with. After a while, we eat lunch and my parents keep their distance. As the day progressed and we all pitched in to clean up after lunch, my parents are forced to interact with him a little more. The few in the family that hung around to clean up (the eat-n-runs had already left) migrated up to my grandparents house to gather in their living room. My parents have warmed up to the bf and actually carry on a semi-normal conversation with him!

All said and done, we ended up staying there longer than my parents did. My papaw fell in love with the bf. My mamaw was happy because I came down for Christmas (and I think she was happy to meet the bf too). And we went home with a bag or two (or maybe even three) of frozen catfish. Yep.

I have to give it to my parents for stepping up and surprising the shit out of me for Christmas. I know it took courage on their part to meet him just like it took courage for me to come out to them. They handled it all good I guess. And no explosions! I knew they were uncomfortable around him and just didn’t know what to say. I think they were expecting someone totally different. Someone older looking and more feminine. He’s not that way though. I’m just surprised it even happened! I think there was a small motivating force behind the unexpected invitation though. I’ll leave it up to you to figure out what that force may have been. =)

So Christmas had its own little surprises this year for me! It’ll definitely go down as one of the more memorable Christmases not because it was eventful but because it was monumental. That’s one small step for me, one giant leap for my parents.

But they don’t know the can of worms they just opened up. They’ve met him… now they have no excuses.

In other news, I shocked everyone by getting all As this semester. My parents were eagerly awaiting my grades this semester, hoping they would have gone down so they could hang that over my head about moving out. Sorry. This is the first semester since I started college that I’ve made all As. Ouch.

Damn this has been long! Oh well, I’m getting tired of typing. Who knows when I’ll post something else! Till then! Later.

Still Here

2007-07-18T15:27:00.000-05:00

Hey everybody! I'm still here!! =) Thanks for all the emails and comments checking on me! Just been busy with life lately and not feeling like blogging when I have a break. A lot has happened over the last month... nothing particularly bad mind you, just a lot. I'm still with the bf! Still love him to death!!! He's at work now (and I finally had a day off to go home - that's a whole 'nother story though), but I've been staying with him almost every night this past month... everyone's been cool with it too... everyone... or at least it seems that way.

But yes, I'm fine and everything seems to be going very good... let's just hope it stays that way! ;)

Looking In The Rearview Mirror and Peering Into The Crystal Ball

2007-05-31T19:38:00.001-05:00

My my, how much my life has changed in the past two months! Yesterday marked the bf and I’s two month anniversary. We did hit our first little bump in the road earlier this week (the deal with my parents has been a crater… the road still runs through it though!), but that’s been resolved and everything’s going great! Stayed the night with him last night and we had an absolute ball!!

Just two short months ago, my world was dull, boring, uneventful, and severely lacking in the love department. I barely even had a reason to get up in the morning. My life consisted of school and that was basically all. I spent most of my time dreaming of the life I wished I had. Now life is spicy!! Even though all the bullshit with my parents has stressed me out (and continues to), it’s been anything but boring and uneventful! It’s actually been a bit fun at times! hehe =) But most importantly, I’m in love!! And that person I’m in love with is the sweetest and greatest guy I think I could ever find! I no longer dream of what could be… I’m living that life I used to dream about and I am so happy!

As for the future, things are being done to pave the way for me to move out of my parents’ house and in with the bf. The surprising part is who’s doing the paving – my parents. You see, I think they’ve finally realized that it will happen eventually no matter what they do, so they proposed something to me – sell my truck, pay off my car loan with the money from the truck, and transfer the car into my name. What would this mean? Well first of all, they couldn’t hold the car over my head any longer or take it away from me if I did move out… legally, it would be all mine. But it would also mean higher insurance. At the same time though, there would no longer be any loan payments, so they sort of offset each other.

So who knows what might happen. I would love to move in with the bf though. Then, we could slow down and be freer to do what we want. As it is now, it feels like we have to cram things into the short time we have together (even though it’s gotten to the point where I’m with him – or at least at his place – about as much as I’m at home) and put off certain things because “you have to go home tomorrow.”

Why haven’t I already moved in with him? He doesn’t want me to that’s why. But wait just a second before you start thinking bad things! There is a reason… and a good reason. He doesn’t want me to move in until things have been smoothed over with my parents. We had a long, heartfelt talk about this last Saturday. That may sound harsh or insensitive to some, but it showed me just how much he loves me and cares about me, my future and our future. I had never really thought of it this way, but he said moving in with him at this point would only be running from the problem, not solving it. That it needs to be dealt with so it doesn’t come up later – most likely even worst than it is now – and cause problems for the both of us. Very true and very good advice. The conversation we had was actually extremely sweet and seem to come straight from his heart. He did say though that if they kicked me out for whatever reason in the meantime I would always have a place with him. The good part of all of this – my parents have made leaps and bounds in just the last few weeks. They’ve stopped trying to break us up… they even admitted for the first time that the bf and I were dating!! =)

What Does The Future Hold?

2007-05-25T16:34:00.000-05:00

Hmmm...

Maybe?

Tears Of Love

2007-05-22T22:41:00.000-05:00

Lately, I’ve become very emotional. I guess that’s what love can do to you. Today, I cried. Totally unlike me. You never see me crying. The last time I remember crying was at my grandmother’s funeral back in October and I can’t even begin to remember the time before that. I’ve just never been one to cry. But that’s clearly changed. I was thinking about the bf and my eyes just started wailing up – they’re doing it now in fact – in a mixture of missing him so much and being so unbelievable happy to have him in my life. This has been happening off and on all day. Last night when we were both lying in bed, I felt a tear run out of the side of my eye. I’m not sure if this was a genuine tear or just my eyes watering from having just taken my contacts out… I don’t know… I was staring into the eyes of the man I love and wasn’t paying attention to anything else. Let’s just call it a real tear – sounds better that way doesn’t it? Besides, since when do my eyes water enough to actually form a tear after taking my contacts out? Yeah, never.

With all that said, I found this poem and thought it was great – simple and elegant… and fitting. Hope you enjoy!

You

You kissed my lips and I felt a flutter in my heart,
You touched my hand and lit a spark in my body,
You stared into my eyes and saw straight into my soul,
You put your arms around me and I was finally complete.

- Laura Aguiar

That's A Wrap

2007-05-10T22:12:00.000-05:00

The spring semester is over for me. I took my last final today. ='(

Free at last!!

Ha! It's been an interesting semester though. Finally got out into my major's classes instead of just basics. It's looking good too. I'm glad I changed my major.... no more straddling two vastly different directions (physics and marketing).

But who cares what happened with my classes... it's all about who I met during the spring semester!! =)

Quick Notes

2007-05-03T22:37:00.000-05:00

- Last Sunday marked one month since I met my baby! We weren’t able to be together but we talked a lot on the phone... definitely not as good as being there with him but better than nothing. I’ve had so much fun with him over the past month... just being around him or hearing his voice brightens my day. Yes, I think I’ve fallen in love!! It kills me that we can’t be together as much as we want, but right now it’s just not possible due to so many things… that problem may be solved later this month though and it can’t be solved soon enough!!

- The parents are slowly making progress. They’ve gotten to the point where I can go visit the bf without having to make up some elaborate plan. My dad actually seems to be further along than my mom. I get a lecture from her every time I go, but my dad just wants to know when I’ll be home and that’s usually it. Both seem to have taken a sort of I-don’t-care-anymore attitude with me which – to be completely honest – doesn’t bother me in the least bit. Hopefully, I will be able to move in with the bf this month… and they’ll be left all alone after having a full house for over 20 years. What will they do?

Yes, all of this has driven a wedge in our relationship. All of the bullshit they’ve dumped on me and continue to do so (albeit in smaller amounts now) has done nothing but push me farther away and actually cause me to despise them at times. There’s still bucket loads of tension among us especially since my brother has completely moved out and I’m the only other human interaction available around the house most of the time. ‘It’ is never talked about until I go visit my baby and is never discussed after I get back home either. Oh well.

- Today was my last day of class!! Finals are next week. Another semester down! I’m almost half way through now and I’m finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel… it sho as hell lookin’ good too!

- And finally – when you’re out driving, be sure to look out for motorcycles too!

Fast Forward

2007-04-21T22:30:00.000-05:00

Let me address some questions and concerns of yours first:

The brother – yes, he was told by mom the following day. My mom said she asked if he was gay and he once again denied it. He hasn’t said anything about it to me but then again he hasn’t said much of anything to me in the short time we’ve actually been together. The bf and I have decided he is still in denial! =) He’s moving in with one of his “friends” from his job next week. I have yet to meet ~~his boyfriend~~ his roommate and when I asked when I would be able to see his new place and meet this guy, he snapped back with some smart-ass remark… he knows I’ll see the connection between them! And luckily, it seems he nabbed all the crabbiness genes before I came along… too bad! =’(

The bf – I think the reaction he had came from him being afraid he may lose me so soon because the news I told him that morning left our future as a huge question mark… I think we were both panicking at the time… I know I was. He has been there for me through all of this since then though… the only shoulder I’ve had to lean on. He’s been just about the only thing that’s put a smile on my face the last few days. Hell, I would be in an asylum if it weren’t for him!

Moving along, everything seems to be going at warp speed! Thursday marked three weeks since the bf and I met in person and the L word’s been thrown all over the place and he’s making plans for me to move in with him next month. He’s already making plans for what we’ll do when I graduate from college… and that’s over two years away!!

Not that there’s anything wrong with this – I do love him and he does seem to genuinely love me – but it seems to be all happening too quickly. Even though I’ve never been in a relationship before this, I have watched many others and most that went so quick like this only seemed to crash and burn. I don’t want to get into this and have it blow up in my face. I hope it works out though! I know it can!

I wouldn’t be planning on moving in with him now if it weren’t for the fact that my parents are still being assholes about all of this… of course it’s only been a little over a week but we’ve already tied up once. I mean, raised voices, threatening to leave… it got pretty good! =) It all came about because my dad said I couldn’t go see the bf. You’re probably think ‘so what? you’re 20, you can do what you want.’ Yes but every vehicle I have keys to is in my dad’s name (none are in mine) and he’s told me he will call the cops on me if I run off – vehicle theft – and I don’t think it’s safe for the bf to come around to pick me up. Sad, isn’t it?

I’m so afraid that all of this bullshit will run the bf off, but he’s still here with him! He doesn’t like the fact that we don’t get to see each other very much – I don’t either – but I think he realizes that I’m trying to make this work with my parents and that at the same time they’re trying to destroy our relationship. Like he said today, my parents clearly don’t realize that all of this time apart only makes us want each other even more… and I missed him so much today!!! I just wanted to see his face!! At least we can still talk on the phone and I got to hear his voice! He had to upgrade his minutes because we’ve been talking so much!! Hehe! Sorry baby! =)

And The Dust Settles

2007-04-14T21:11:00.000-05:00

So it was late Wednesday night … about 10:30. I got this burning in my gut that now was the time. I started in my room and slowly made my way to my parents’ room. I mean slowly as in it took me over 30 minutes to get there… normally it’s done within about 15 seconds. I stood just outside their bedroom door as snores rang out in their room… yes, they were asleep. I woke them up to tell them. Crazy? Just a little. ;)

I knocked on the open door to wake them up. They didn’t know what the fuck was going on. I walked over to the dresser near the foot of their bed and leaned against it to face them as they fiddled around turning the light on. There was no turning back now.

The words came out so easily. It was strange. Their initial reaction was of course shock… I did just wake them up to drop a bombshell on them. Then the floodgates opened. I told them about the bf and the lies I had used to cover up what I was doing. That he was 30. That we met on the internet. Everything came out… and it felt great but horrible all at the same time.

The “what you’re doing is wrong” shit followed and continued almost nonstop until my mom busted out with a prayer and I told them I was going to bed. No one slept much that night.

I was instructed to called the bf the next morning and tell him that we could have no contact for at least a week. What did I do? I called him on my way to class Thursday morning and told him. I also told him that wasn’t going to happen. We’ve talked at least once everyday since we met… that wasn’t about to stop. But the bf said that if we weren’t going to be about to see each other for a long time that it’s basically over. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. He said he was willing to wait maybe a month but he couldn’t wait forever. I hung up the phone and cried the rest of the way to class.

Thursday evening brought about a long, thick black mark at our driveway. That always makes me feel better! It’s still there too even after a large rain last night! =) Oh yeah and there was a lot of talking… too much talking for me but it seemed to help them. I was sick of talking about it, hearing about it, thinking about it!! My parents wanted me to change and couldn’t understand that I didn’t want to change and probably couldn’t even if I wanted to. They used several bully tactics to try and persuade me to change – take away the car (which I’m paying for), cell phone (which I’m paying for), computer, etc. Nothing was off limits from their “we’ll take it away” scheme. But, it didn’t work. I wasn’t about to leave the bf just because they wanted me to and thought it was all wrong.

They called the preacher to come down and meet with us. In my mind, I was rolling my eyes. Luckily, our preacher isn’t of the beat-you-over-the-head-with-a-Bible variety. He was actually really good about it. Then my parents suggested that just the preacher and I meet. Ok?! They decided to prance off to my grandparents to tell them about me (they’ve been telling almost everyone they meet I think) while the preacher and I talked at our house. I know what they were wanting to happen – the preacher lay it on me hard and make me want to change. That ain’t what happened. To show how cool our preacher can be, he simply asked if there was anything I wanted to tell him that I didn’t feel comfortable saying around my parents and that it would just stay between us. How cool is that? We talked for a short while then he said that he really admired me for having the courage to do this. I was sort of nervous about how it would all go down with the preacher coming to meet with us, but it turned out much better than I expected.

Once the preacher left, I was all alone. Call the bf!! We talked about it all until I thought I heard my parents pulling into the driveway. It wasn’t actually them but they did come home shortly after. The rest of the night was quiet… halleluiah!

Friday was a tense day. It was just my dad and I at home until about 4 in the evening when my mom got in from work. Not much was said during the day. Then, all hell broke loose. My mom was crying. My dad was bitching about everything and making smart-ass remarks. And I was about to punch somebody. My dad told me that he almost shot me that morning. Yes, like with a gun. That scared the living shit of out me! He said he thought about shooting me in the ass to make me slowly die then shooting himself. When I was fixing my breakfast Friday morning, I heard a gun click but for some reason I thought nothing of it. Before I walked into the living room where he had been sitting, he went to his bedroom and put the gun up. He said me loved me and my mom too much to do that.

I. Was. Speechless.

Everyone else got up and left the room. I just sat there for a second. So I came that close to getting shot… by my own father? I got up and headed out to the steps on our back porch. This is always my place to think. My mom came out after a few minutes and sat in one of the chairs on the porch. I didn’t even look at her. She started crying more and in a child-like whining voice pleading with me to change… the same old, same old. I was at the edge of my breaking point. I almost lost it (as in rage), but I kept myself together and didn’t make a move. She left after a while, seeing that it was a losing battle.

I went back inside and fell into the recliner in front of the TV. The History Channel was on – my baby’s favorite channel. Slowly, my parents filed into the room. Things had changed. My dad had cracked. The near shooting and being able to tell me about it clearly changed something in him. He was different. He was making jokes about me having sex with the bf!! He asked me to forgive him for even thinking about shooting me. It scared me to hear him tell me about it, but I do forgive him. My mom quickly came around too seeing that my dad had warmed up to it somewhat. The tension disappeared. Suddenly, it was like things were back to normal. We were laughing again. We were smiling again. We were a family again. My dad even said that I could probably use my car to go see the bf if I promised not to lie about where I was going. What’s there to lie about now??

Things are looking up. I know this has been so hard on them. I’ve apologized to them countless times for how much heartache I’ve caused them (I don’t know if they noticed or not but I never apologized for being gay… nothing to apologize for). Things are winding down though. A lot has happened in the last few days. My head is still spinning! But the storms has passed. Today almost nothing was said about it, but the bf did call me when my parents were home. Usually he texts me to see if I can talk or I don’t answer and call him back when I can. I just answered it this time and headed outside to talk. They knew who it was but never asked about it. Little bits of progress…

PS: I’m sorry for not checking anyone’s blogs for the last three weeks or so. There’s really no excuse, I just haven’t taken the time.

Out

2007-04-12T07:07:00.000-05:00

I came out to my parents last night. It didn't go well. They said the car or the bf goes and that what I was doing was wrong. Blah blah blah. We're supposed to meet with our preacher sometime soon about it all so they can lay hands on me and I'll change. Yeah. I'll play along at first, but if they push me, they'll see a side of D they ain't never seen. I've been banned from driving anywhere but from college and back home. I'm thinking RUN THE FUCK AWAY!! =) They'll come around though.

I hope.

More later if I can.

Dreams Can Come True

2007-04-08T14:25:00.000-05:00

From my post on March 11, 2007:
“In the fantasy world that plays out in my mind, I would meet Mr. Right on the first try and it all just be perfect!! Uh huh, what are the chances of that!”

Sometimes the stars line up just right, the moon is in the correct phase, and enough bloggers are wishing you the best. Sometimes fantasy becomes reality.

Herpes

2007-04-01T23:10:00.000-05:00

I awake this morning to little bumps… blisters all over.

I have herpes.

But the blisters are on my lip and I’ve known about it my entire lifetime. I have herpes simplex. I usually get one or two cold sores a year… lucky me that I get one now. No kissing or other activities involving contact with the blisters *ahem* until it heals. I apparently inherited (or whatever) the pain in the ass (lip?) virus from my dad. Thanks dad!

It kinda freaked me out last night when I started to feel the tingle of the damn thing coming on. Had I gotten something from the bf? I was really freaked to see it this morning… easily the worst outbreak I’ve ever had. So I was nervousing all morning. I was near panicking. The bf was still asleep. No asking him about it. Then I realized that I already had the damn virus anyway and that the outbreak was merely a coincidence. After checking out what can cause them, I understand why it hit now.

Causes:
Cold – Had a cough and sore throat for a week now

Fever – Not sure but I have felt very hot lately ;)

Stress – Check!

Exposure to sun – Check!

Menstruation – Ya never know!

No apparent reason – I bet that’s it!!

After consulting with the bf, he has never had them. He wasn’t happy to hear that we’ll have to hold off on a few things for a while. I wasn’t exactly excited to be telling him that either, but I don’t want him getting them… they suck! He understands though.

-- -- -- -- --

And now having a boyfriend in my life, opening the closet door is looking so tempting and actually much easier. The bf and I have talked (and joked) about it a lot in the short time we’ve been together. I have a safety net now with him and hanging with him would be so much simpler if I just told my parents. Plus, I want to show him off! I hate having to lie to them about it all. Like the bf said though, the thing my parents will probably get caught up on with us is that he’s 10 years older than me. I don’t have a problem with it (obviously) but they may. Then again, there is a six or seven year difference between my mom and dad. If age doesn’t trip them up, it’ll be that we met on the internet.

Status Report

2007-03-31T12:23:00.000-05:00

I'm still alive!! Sorry about keeping everyone in suspense and not posting anything… the last two days have been action packed! =) And obviously I didn’t get chopped up into pieces and dumped in the river since I’m here typing now!

So what happened?

A lot happened. A whole lot happened! I broke the rules Thursday. We briefly met in the parking lot of an auto parts store (the manliest of all places to meet) then I followed him to his house. Yeah I know, not a public place. He had roomies so it made me feel a little more comfortable doing that. Still not the smartest thing to have done but it’s in the past now… and I’m still alive. Went and ate pizza (he drove) then we came back to his place to lay around, talk, and tackle some of my firsts… and seconds… and thirds! ;) Ah, how the hell have I waited this long??

Last night, we went out again. This time I drove him in my car. We didn’t know where we were going, so we just drove around until we finally decided to go to the Boardwalk. I suggested this and I can’t believe I did! Friday night and crowded… that’s a recipe for someone seeing us together, but I don’t care so much anymore. We made a circle, not stopping anywhere, then left. We probably weren’t even there twenty minutes, but walking alongside the river with him as a cool, gentle breeze was blowing and the city was lit up was just romantic. We didn’t hold hands. He didn’t try to or anything. He knew I wasn’t ready for that at this time, but I’m sure I will be soon. After we left there, we went to go eat then headed back to his place. I had passed his test.

We got in his bed together and talked for a little while then he dropped the bomb… “so I guess this means you have a boyfriend now.” It kind of shocked me! I wasn’t expecting anything like that especially this soon! I mean, he had been talking about how he normally would have nothing to do with someone my age – too much drama, no direction in life, etc. – but he said I was different then most my age in the area. So we’re hitched now!! There’s definitely something between us but I think it’s too soon to be throwing out that L word.

He’s a great guy! He has a crazy ass personality – he’s constantly got me laughing – but also caring, sensitive, and passionate (oh yeah!). Plus he loves roller coasters too!!! I see a trip to Six Flags coming up this summer! Anyway, I love being around him. I just can’t help but have the biggest shit-eatin’ grin on my face when I’m with him. And the gurl can give a… oh I’ll keep my mouth shut! ;)

I’m so glad I finally took the step of courage to do this. I feel absolutely no regrets, only a little guilt for lying to my parents about what I’m actually doing. Like he said though, they know! LOL! But yeah, the last two days have been pretty damn crazy… but in a ~~good~~ great way!! I’ve counted seven firsts just in the past two days, most happening on Thursday. I still can’t believe it all! I’m not dreaming, am I?

Fate

2007-03-27T23:06:00.000-05:00

Talked (yes just talked) to The Guy today for almost an hour. I was thinking once again about calling it off, but fate was telling me to just do it. You see, it just so happened that I was home alone again tonight - very unusual for a Tuesday. Unexpected things popped up for everyone except me. I took that as a sign.

I’ve been trying to keep my expectations for anything developing relationship-wise to a bare minimum and so far so good, but after this call, I’m not sure what this guy’s wanting. He seemed to be hinting at the possibility of a relationship happening. ‘Course I don’t want to be putting the plow in front of the bull here but it’s just something I noticed.

We’re supposed to meet Thursday at a restaurant in town. I can’t wait to meet him! He seems like a great guy! I really hope he’s who he seems to be! I’m so excited!!!

Now just to wait for the cell phone bill to come in… that’ll be a fun one!!

Color Me Impressed

2007-03-25T16:18:00.000-05:00

So what I was originally going to post about yesterday (aside from the scaredy-cat post) before having sex on the first call was my visit with the cousin. It was short – I never get to just hang out with him like we used to – but we had enough time to talk. I never flat-out asked him about dropping out, but it appears he’s now determined to finish high school. Plus, he’s been making plans to attend votech after graduating! I was very glad to hear that!! He can do it if he can keep himself motivated, that’s the only problem I see him having. Of course with him having a kid and having to pay child support now, I think he’s finally seeing he’s got to do something with his life.

Aside from school, we talked about his baby’s momma. They’ve officially broken up after being together off-and-on for five years I think. I felt sorry for him but wanted to pat him on the back and congratulate him all at the same time when he told me that. I still remember the first day he told me about her… he was in the seventh grade, I was in the ninth. I don’t mean to be the one that says I told you so, but I warned him about her that day. He may not remember it but I do, like yesterday. He got a little pissy about it then so I kept my mouth shut about her after that. Now he’s having problems with her and her new married cop boyfriend who’s threatened to give the cousin a ticket should they ever meet on the road (a simple phone recording could probably get his ass fired over that). The cousin is taking all of this extremely well and seems to be concerned about the most important thing in all of this – the kid. He asked me several times what I would do if I was in his situation and I had to just tell him I don’t know. I’ve never been in anything even remotely like the situation he’s in so I don’t know what I would do. I wish I could have helped guide him more but I’m afraid I would be guiding him in the wrong direction.

Then, as always, we talked about cars. He can talk big and sound like he knows what he’s talking about but he’s completely clueless. And he’s thinking about being a mechanic!! Honey, do I need to give you some schoolin’? Just name the time hun and I’ll see what I can do. He still wants a GTO too! He couldn’t believe that I had test-driven one before! I’ve got way more constraint behind the wheel than he does though and I’d end up killing myself if I had one of those… he sure doesn’t need one!

I’m very impressed with the cousin! He’s grown up a lot since his daughter was born and he’s finally starting to step up and take responsibility for his own actions. I’m extremely happy to see that he’s already made plans for the future after high school. The thing that makes me the happiest though is seeing how much he cares about his daughter. I don’t tell him this enough but I’m very proud of him for that!

What Just Happened??

2007-03-24T20:48:00.000-05:00

Oh. My. God.

Just minutes ago, I was having phone sex with a 30 year old guy!!!

I meet him and started chatting with him on gay.com. After chatting for awhile, he gave me his number and I called him. We started out talking about meeting up in person sometime. I told him I had never done anything before and he was cool with that. He could tell I was nervous and he was very nice about it. He was very considerate of me and my lack of experience. And just when the conversation seemed to be dying down, he bursts out with “are you hard now?”. The answer was yes, of course. This led into a long phone sex session. It was a bit awkward… hell, it was completely, unspeakably awkward! Nonetheless, we both “finished” then he asked if I was weirded out by that. Yes, a little. I told him no though. He went over our plans to meet and told me to call him whenever I was free, he wouldn’t call me since he might call at a bad time (when the parents are around). This seems to just be a fuck buddy situation, but he did ask if I was looking for action or a boyfriend. I told him either and he said that we'll just have to see what happens. I would prefer boyfriend if all goes well! =)

I was a bit hesitant to call him. Ironically, I had typed up a post earlier today talking about how I’m afraid of taking a chance and not being impulsive enough. As my thumb hovered over the ‘call’ button on my phone, I almost backed out. It hovered there for probably two minutes. But I thought about what I had said earlier. I was impulsive tonight and I’m proud of myself! We ended up talking for about 35 minutes. And don't worry, the parents are gone shopping tonight, the brother is in Texas, and I'm home alone.

By the way, the guy is hot!! If I can formulate a good enough plan, we’ll probably meet next week. Advice? Suggestions? Cautions?

Wow, this has been my dirtiest post ever! Sorry if you don't like all the sex talk... after getting off the phone and running around the house constantly screaming "OH MY GOD!!!", I said I just have to post this on my blog!!

A Good Cause

2007-03-21T23:51:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to let everyone know that Mikell is participating in the AIDS Walk in Orlando and he's started a team (Bunch O'Bloggers) to represent all us bloggers out here in the blogosphere. The team is currently #1 in donations too!! If you gotta little extra dough sittin' around and you feel like putting it toward a good cause, be sure to run over to his site and see how you can help out!

My I-Can't-Think-Of-A-Good-Title Day

2007-03-20T23:43:00.000-05:00

Thanks so much for the birthday wishes!! You are all so amazing!!

Today was great even if I did spend most of it alone. My mom had made one of her delicious cakes last night so the cake and I needed some time together anyway! As has been the tradition, I stayed home for my b-day to spend it with my family but I got a few calls from friends and some messages on Facebook wishing me a happy birthday.

I awoke this morning to post-it notes scattered all over the house (even in the refrigerator!). All were the work of my mom. So that’s where I get it from! The best one?

I couldn’t help but fall out laughing when I read it! Me and my mishap with the stump has become a running joke among my family! It even turned into smack-talking in the days after it happened as I would hobble through the house. My dad started laughing at me and saying he could jump the stump without falling which led to – what else? – a little challenge… he was going to have to back up his talk! He wanted me to go first to show how I did it but at the time I was still sore and limping from the fall just two days earlier so I couldn’t (otherwise I would have). One jump even with a much slower approach and he fell. He didn’t plow into the ground like I did... he was smart and rolled after falling (he didn't have the momentum I had though), but I didn’t hear any lip from him about it after that! And who got the last laugh? Well me of course!! Ha!

Even though I insisted that no one get me anything, my parents still did. They got me some stuff to clean my car. Is that some kind of hint? Yeah, it is filthy.

Right after presenting me with my gift, my mom said she had something else for me that “we would have to work on.” She kept talking but I interrupted her to ask if that was going to be washing my car for me so they could try out the stuff they got for me. She stopped talking, struck her pose, looked at me, put a hand on her hip, and said bluntly “no, who do you think we are?”

It was some money. She said I could pay someone to wash my car for me.

The Big Two O

2007-03-20T00:03:00.000-05:00

Bye bye teens, hello twenties!

Your Birthdate: March 20

You are a virtual roller coaster of emotions, and most people enjoy the ride.
Your mood tends to set the tone of the room, and when you're happy, this is a good thing.
When you get in a dark mood, watch out - it's very hard to get you out of it.
It's sometimes hard for you to cheer up, and your gloom can be contagious.

Your strength: Your warm heart

Your weakness: Trouble controlling your emotions

Your power color: Black

Your power symbol: Musical note

Your power month: February

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Well that's all positive, isn't it? They get props for tying in roller coasters though! (That's the only reason I actually I posted this!) And honey, my power color is not black. I don't look good in black, sorry.

The Results

2007-03-19T15:54:00.000-05:00

The grades from my midterms last week were finally posted online. Here they are:

Stats – 100%

ISDS – 96%

Econ – 106% (bonus)

I am so excited!!!! I screamed when I saw them!! I just couldn’t hold it back!! I guess this means I can enjoy my break after all!

Oh and by the way, isn’t something special supposed to happen tomorrow? Seems like I remember someone saying something about tomorrow?!? ;-)

You Can Hammer My Nail

2007-03-17T01:07:00.000-05:00

Sunny, barely a cloud in the sky, with a nice cool breeze… the perfect spring day!

Honey, I got roasted today! I needed it though… I’m still all white and pasty from winter.

I had to help my dad rebuild our car shed. I would have tried to get out of it somehow, but being that my car (out of the five others) gets the privilege of parking under said car shed, I couldn’t easily weasel my way out. Besides, the rebuilt car shed increases the width of my spot by 6”… and these 6” are very welcomed! (Hehe! you know what I’m thinking!!) I’m not sure how I nailed that spot – my brother never got it – but I’ve had it since I’ve had a set of wheels. Charm? Luck? The favorite?!

That had me out at 10 this morning (had to catch up on my sleep first) all the way until about 5 this evening doing various things ranging from fetching tools to holding boards to pecking at nails with a hammer. Speaking of hammering, well, it’s just sad. I’m ambidextrous which totally blows my mind when I pick up a hammer. Which hand??? It doesn’t feel right in either of them!! I usually end up constantly swapping hands… but that’s neat… I’m just talented like that! Well, maybe not! The little bit of coordination I have vanishes when I hold a hammer. No matter what hand it's in I still can’t hit the damn nail! And all the while, my dad’s over there going crazy with a hammer… I’m still sitting there missing the nail over half the time. Eventually, he’ll feel sorry for his coordination-challenged son (or just get frustrated) and assign me a different, simpler task like figuring out what how much needs to be cut off a board or getting something level… I can handle that. I try though, I really do.

And hey, I finally got to put my hideous carpenter jeans to good use!! I hate those jeans – they make me look fat – but today I slid a hammer into the little loop my left pants leg. I felt so masculine!! Even though I couldn’t actually do much with the hammer, it still made me feel all tingly inside to have the handle banging against my leg as I walked (or was that something else?)! I think I may start to wear them more often… accessorized, of course, with some cute but manly hammer… ya know, in case I need it sometime! ;)

I’m just more of a wrench guy than a hammer guy though. Any idiot can use a wrench but only the skilled can use a hammer… and I don’t fall into that category.

Midterms! Midterms!! MIDTERMS!!!

2007-03-14T22:47:00.000-05:00

Phew!!!

I finally got through all of my tough mid-terms!! And I couldn’t be happier to have them behind me! For the last two days I’ve been studying and stressing over these tests… oh and bitching about them to anyone unfortunate enough to be within earshot of me. I had my ass whipped into form after getting my chemistry midterm back – 77%! I screwed up by thinking I knew the shit and not studying enough for it. It’s not all that bad, but I can’t let it happen again – I’ve got scholarships I’ve got to maintain. So I studied my ass off for the midterms I took today!

I have horrible study habits. I’ve never been one to study much anyway… it usually just clicks with me at some point and I don’t need to study. When I do study though, I get to a point where I can’t any longer and that’s usually a sign that I’m ready. And oh I was ready for those bad boys today! I think I kicked ass on them!! I’ve got one more tomorrow but it should be quick and easy then I’m done with all of it – everything – until the 26th!! Yep, spring break baby!!! And ain’t I just lucky… guess what falls within the confines of spring break!! =)

So what will I be doing during spring break? Not much. I’ve told a few friends I’d help them move into their new house, so I’ll help if they need me… or I may just barge up there anyway to check out their new place. Today, T hinted to me about going to see 300 sometime this weekend or next week. She just broke up with her boyfriend… she made sure I knew that! Honey, don’t be getting any ideas! I could play boyfriend for awhile if she wants to appear resilient but I hope she doesn’t expect anything else. The most exciting thing I may do is go to the dealership where I bought my car for them to check out and fix a few things and have them treat me like a clueless fucking idiot. I always enjoy that!!

And with classes out next week, I may finally have time to do some real boy hunting! I’ve already thought up a few excuses for going out with someone, being out really late or staying overnight at a guy’s house. They may not work when the time comes, but I’ll at least have given it a fighting chance. If all else fails, the truth would just have to come out, but that’s assuming something actually happens first… if I can get over my fears.

Now for a few updates:

My cousin – no clue… haven’t talked to him or heard anything. I’m a bad cousin, aren’t I? I’ve been busy though.

My brother – he brought his boyfriend down to show off to my mom. I didn’t get to see him… my brother thinks I might steal him away, that’s it!! Well, I don’t think they’re actually dating – I no longer even think my brother is gay – but it’s fun to play like they are! And who knows, they may actually be dating… if so, you go gurl!! I’ve seen pictures and he is cute! Good catch! And if my bro doesn’t want him, I’ll take him!!

The weather – spring is here already as is that wonderful layer of yellow that coats everything outside. The wind blows and it looks like a dust storm, a yellow dust storm, a puffy-eyes, runny-nose, yellow dust storm… it’s not good. But I noticed this week that the campus is coming back to life after hibernating all winter. It feels more refreshing and upbeat to walk around campus now that all the flowers are popping back out. And it won’t be long before the crepe myrtles will be blooming again.

-- -- -- -- --

And last (but most definitely not least) if you haven't heard already, our beloved Spider has been admitted to the hospital. Please go check out the details on his blog and wish him well while you're there. Spider, I'm wishing ya the best!!

Turning On The Taxi Light

2007-03-11T18:05:00.000-05:00

I’ve done it! I finally put myself on a few dating websites!

I’ve been hesitant to do this because I could be found out (I did put a pic on there... beg and you may get to see it) and it’s just kinda scary. I’ve never dated anyone before… yeah, it’s sad… plus the whole internet dating thing is just… well, a creepy unknown to me. It’s the only way I see to find someone short of hitting the club scene though and I’ll have enough trouble juggling finding someone on the net and not being discovered so that’s out.

The only thing I’ve done so far is go to a chatroom and have about 20 people send me messages! I started talking to this one guy who was 22 and in the closet like me, but the barrage of messages from others made Firefox take a shit and freeze. Makes me wonder how IE would have handled it! I haven’t seen that guy online since.

But yeah, that’s where I am now with respect to my dating life (ha!). In the fantasy world that plays out in my mind, I would meet Mr. Right on the first try and it all just be perfect!! Uh huh, what are the chances of that!

Running alongside that is a plan I've thought up. I'm not going to say what it is because that would only jinx it, but it involves a certain kind of job, a bed, a goldfish, a webcam, and a lot of luck. I'm keeping my fingers crossed! =)

-- -- -- -- --

I was searching through Youtube and found this. Being an avid in-car sing-alonger, I thought it was funny!!

I actually like that song too!! Plus, the guy driving is cute! Ya know that never hurts things!

And on a last note, I’m feeling fine now and the cuts and scraps are healing. I’ve had enough redneck to hold me over for another month or so! Thanks for the concern and filling me in on what a broken rib feels like! Clearly I didn’t have a broken rib!

Served

2007-03-07T21:49:00.000-06:00

I called my aunt yesterday to set up a time for me to get my hair cut (she owns a hair salon). I wasn’t going to ask her about my cousin then because I knew she had customers in there at that time of the day and couldn’t talk about it. Luckily though, she got me in last night as her last appointment! Sounded to me like she just wanted to talk and was willing to stay late to do so!

To give you a little bit of background on the whole situation, my aunt is not my cousin’s actual mom… and you would know it to be around my cousin. He doesn’t treat her bad so much as he just ignores her and snaps off to her any chance he gets. My aunt doesn’t come out sparkling either. She doesn’t know how to handle my cousin since he’s so different from her own kids, so she just lets him be most of the time… lets his dad handle him. His dad is basically all talk and my cousin knows that. It goes much deeper but that’s the jist of it.

So during my hair cut (which reached into an entire hour), my aunt didn’t say much about my cousin. Usually, she would talk my head off, but last night she was oddly quiet most of the time. She did tell me that they were served papers yesterday to go to court over the amount of absences my cousin has racked up. She seems convinced it would be best for him to go ahead and drop out and get a job to help support his baby girl (almost a year old I think). I find myself agreeing with her after what all she told me, but we’ll have to see what unfolds after the court date.

My cousin was gone yesterday so I wasn’t able to talk to him, and today I’ve been studying for my chemistry mid-term I have tomorrow (midterm already – doesn’t seem like it!). Though I don’t think talking to him would help much now that he’s gotten himself tangled up in the legal system, I may pay him a visit this weekend.

As my aunt said, “hun if he was mine, I would have spanked his ass and taken his little truck away.” If he was mine, I would have whooped his ass, sold his truck, and watched every morning as he stepped onto the school bus. His ass would go to school and I would make damn sure he stayed all day too! Pissed off or not, he would be at school and he would just have to like it. We all do things we don’t particularly like, but we just have to tough it out. He could learn a thing or two about that.

-- -- -- -- --

As for me, I did actually fall. It hurts like crazy too! My entire body hurts… still! What does a broken rib feel like? I landed hard on my right side and my ribs are hurting pretty bad on that side.

This Just In

2007-03-05T22:55:00.000-06:00

Recent news reports out of Louisiana indicate that SlyD, widely considered to be the frontrunner for the stump-jumping event in the Redneck Olympics, has suffered a fall while training for the upcoming contest. Those present at the scene when the incident occurred report that D seemed to have hit the top of the stump wrong which messed up his landing. D is said to have stumbled over his own feet upon landing and skidded to a stop on the ground after falling. Scraps and scratches were visible on D’s arms and knees and some present report seeing D rubbing the right side of his hip. After getting up from his fall, D was said to have limped away but returned shortly after to continue his training even with an obvious limp. It’s unclear at this time whether or not this will affect D’s performance at the Redneck Olympics this summer.

-- -- -- -- --

Now for the serious part, I received word today that my cousin has been skipping school and is considering dropping out. He’s been sly with it too (does that run in the family?) as he drives his truck to school then somehow leaves campus with his truck still there. Huh. Not sly enough since he got caught…

He’s a senior in high school too… yes, two months left and he wants to drop out! Something has to be going on to have caused this sudden change. The last time I talk with him at Christmas everything seemed to be going fine. I’m thinking someone’s threatening him or he’s failing and afraid of having to repeat the 12th grade.

I’m going to call my aunt tomorrow to see if she thinks me talking to him would help. He always confided in me when I was in high school and saw him everyday. He treated me like a big brother. He trusted me not to tell anyone what he tells me and I’ve kept my end of the deal. I’m hoping that will help and he’ll listen to me better than he does his parents.

Country Queer

2007-03-02T20:30:00.000-06:00

In case you didn't believe me when I said I was country, today I was recruited by my dad to camouflage his recently built deer stand. He handed me two spray cans – one black and the other olive – and points to the already gray deer stand.

Black and olive? Honey, we need more color than that if you want this thing to look good!!

He tells me to paint “trees and limbs on it or something.” I was thinking “or something.” As long as there’s contrasting colors, it would be good he said.

Now let me say I don’t really know the first thing about what deer want to see on a deer stand or about deer hunting in general… well except you get up before the sun rises and get all dressed up in camo (why? you're going to be in the deer stand) only to sit in said deer stand and freeze your ass off while you wait for a deer to walk out and that’s not guaranteed to happen. Not my cup of tea.

One time, my dad thought he could turn me on to hunting (maybe man me up a little?). He found out real quick that my mouth was not well suited for deer hunting – hell, any hunting – as my constant bitching about everything eventually got me kicked out of the stand and headed home on the trail leading out of the woods. He never tried again, but I have had to help find (which in my terms means just wandering around in the woods looking for nothing really but I look like I’m looking for something) multiple deer my dad, brother or uncle have killed and drag them out of the woods.

So back to painting the deer stand – he paints a few examples for me then lets me loose on it. Mistake maybe? Hmm…

I took the cans – one in each hand – and went crazy on the damn thing! I mostly made curving lines on it but threw in a few straight vertical lines just to see how it would look (not very good). I made little touches on it like making sure the lines wrapped around the corner of the deer stand and turning the spray cans at an angle to create a neat feathered look. My dad came around at one point as I was making the final touches on one side and noted it didn’t have to be perfect. Hey, you picked the gay child to do this!! Oh wait, he may not know.

After finishing all four sides and making one last sweep around the whole thing, I stood back and marveled at my work. I thought it looked *fabulous*!! Well as fabulous as a deer stand can look.

And I know you’re dying to see it, so I snapped a few pictures before we loaded it into my (why?) truck. Here ya go…
I see now that I missed a few spots! Oh well, none of the deer will notice… unless they’re gay too! =)

Now if only he wanted the interior decorated...

N The Driver's Seat

2007-03-01T21:34:00.000-06:00

I called N today! She loves the new college and she’s trying to convince me to transfer there to be with her. I have to admit I’m thinking about it! I love my N!! If nothing comes up between the two of us, I’m supposed to go over to her place tomorrow evening and NH may be coming over too! Who knows what will happen! I can’t wait!!!

-- -- -- -- --

I finally got the strut tower braces and rear sway bar for my car that I ordered last week! You never knew about this because I never told you, but hey… now you know! Got the front and rear strut tower braces on today. The sway bar will have to go on later (have to jack the car up to put it on); for now, it’s just sitting on my bed.

While I was installing the rear brace, I had to fold the rear seats down and basically lay in the trunk. Well, my perverted mind started turning as you can probably imagine! Bending over the rear bumper with my head in the trunk and my ass in the air didn’t help my wild imagination either! But with the seats down, it’s definitely a nice place! Mark that down on the list of places to do it!! ‘Course that’s if I ever even get any to begin with!! =)

Anyway, the strut tower braces made a huge difference! The car soaked up bumps better than before and the steering response was much improved. If you have a GM W-body, you should definitely get some of these! Ok, let me stop before I start my rambling car talk!

-- -- -- -- --

Now for something new! It’s my first video!! No I’m not in it either!! Sorry! I could have been but decided not to be so I edited myself out of it. The video is me driving around in the SBC. Sounds interesting, right? ;-) Give me a chance though! Hope you enjoy it!

Whoosh!!

2007-02-28T23:11:00.000-06:00

I walk full-force into the first set of doors leading out of the library. I love doing that! And the librarians probably hate me for it because it makes that loud whooshing noise!

I sprint over to the building my next class is in while the thoughts of what I just read fill my mind. I get inside the quiet, deserted stairwell of the building and take my sweet time climbing up to the top (fourth) floor, my thoughts getting deeper with every step.

In that moment, things would have happened – sparks would have flown – had I been in the right place with the right people. But I was alone. There was nothing I could do.

Every step I take rings through the dark, lonely stairwell. I finally get to the top as my steps suddenly become hushed and an eerie silence falls as the echoes of my footsteps fade away. I slowly – almost hesitantly – walk to the door and fling it open. The bright light from the hallway spills into the dreary stairwell as I walk out and hear the door slam closed behind me.

100 on the 100th

2007-02-27T22:35:00.000-06:00

Well, it’s my 100th post!! And what better to do on the 100th than to go fu… I mean, post 100 things about me!!!

Yeah, I know you’re probably rolling your eyes now, but I just couldn’t resist! =)

So maybe you’ll learn a little bit about the SlyD that you never knew before! I have a tendency to repeat myself at times though, so some stuff may have been mentioned before but just act like you’ve hearing it for the first time, ok? And it’s taken me almost two months to come up with 100 things!! Has my life been that boring?? Maybe. That or I just have a huge problem with procrastinating (or both). Anyway with all that said, please keep all hands, arms, and legs inside the post and remain… ok, I’ll shut up and just get on with it!

1. Sly (like a fox!) because all through my life, that’s what people have said about me (sometimes in a good way, sometimes not) plus it sounds really neat!

2. And the D in both SlyD and D-Tour is the initial for my first name. I bet you never would have guessed that!!

3. Born, raised and still living in Louisiana. No escape seems to be in sight either!

4. Despite living in Louisiana, I am by no means a Cajun… I’m a yankee Louisianan thus I’m just country.

5. I’ve never been farther south in the state than Baton Rouge. Those Cajuns scare the crap out of me so I don’t go too far down there much! =) I'm just kidding!

6. Yes, I have a thick country accent.

7. And I often try to hide it but I’ve found that it’s impossible!

8. I’m a Pisces but just barely. Some places have me as an Aries (Blogger does in fact – see profile), but I seem to fit the Pisces mold much better.

9. 19 at the time of this post and now if you put two and two together from the information in #8, you can figure out when I’ll be turning 20. I expect gifts! =)

10. I’m still a virgin… however I’m hoping to change that very soon. We’ll see!

11. Youngest of my parents’ two children (both boys)

12. College student, majoring in marketing as of this moment

13. I was originally going to attend a different college and major in mechanical engineering (I was actually a Tech Bulldog for about a month). I wanted to design roller coasters or do something with cars. Things changed during the summer before my first semester and I ended up going to the college I’m at now and majoring in physics instead (and later changing to marketing of course).

14. Prefer jeans, a t-shirt, and a good pair of tennis shoes to any other form of dress (yes even no dress). Revoke my gay license if you must but I’m no fashionista so I’m sure I commit fashion crimes everyday. I enjoy doing it too!! Whatcha gonna do about it?

15. Don’t know how to swim

16. Do know how to drive a stick

17. Never flown on a plane

18. Can’t sing to save my life

19. Favorite colors are yellow-orange (or is it orange-yellow?) followed by blue then gray

20. I usually do my best work late at night (get your mind out of the gutter!)

21. I’m a morning person too… well, sort of. Once I’m out of bed (that however is a fate all by itself), I’m usually awake, slightly smiling, and ready to get going with my day but a little bitchy at the same time. I will snap easily in the morning though which is why I try to limit my interactions with others during that time! Thankfully, I’m usually the only one home when I get up! That is also why I usually don’t reply to emails or leave comments on anyone’s blogs in the morning. I’m a much nicer person in the evening… which I guess contradicts me saying I’m a morning person! Oh well!

22. I don’t like coffee! Yuck!

23. I would die without my sweet tea though!!!

24. Left-handed but I don’t hook (much) and I’m ambidextrous. I only write and hold a fork, spoon, etc with my left hand, otherwise I’m a rightie. Of course, there are some activities where I can use either hand! ;-) My mom has told me that when I was just a little bitty SlyD my grandparents had wanted her to make sure I was right handed (some old stigma with all that), so my mom did an experiment to see if she should do that or not. She had a lock and put the key in my right hand. I totally missed the hole. She put it in my left hand and I nailed it on the first try. So here I sit today a leftie!

25. I’m a very laid-back person. Chances are you won’t make me angry. I’m probably much more likely to make you angry than you are to make me angry, believe me.

26. I can probably whoop your ass in Rook and a number of other card games

27. But I don’t know how to play Poker

28. Drive a bleen ’06 Pontiac Grand Prix (love it!) and a light blue ’85 Chevy C10 (350 V8… vroom!)

29. Have a bad habit of playing with the antenna on my cell phone especially when it’s on speakerphone (thus making a very loud thumping noise on the other end… sorry!!)

30. Attend church regularly but not overly religious

31. Fascinated by old-school church hymns though. They are just beautiful in the way they are written and composed! Some of my favorites include I’ll Fly Away, Amazing Grace, Just A Little Talk With Jesus, and When The Morning Comes.

32. I’m a total car nut. My favorite car is a tie between a ’69 Mustang Boss 302 and a ’70 Mustang Mach 1, all in Grabber Orange (that’s the yellow-orange color from #18).

33. I know my way around a car engine enough to know what’s wrong with it most of the time if something breaks. Fixing it is a whole ‘nother story though.

34. My first kiss (on the cheek) was from a girl in preschool at the ripe old age of four

35. I’ve never had a real kiss from anyone though.

36. I then “dated” another girl in preschool – we would hold hands on the playground and I even gave her a plastic troll ring (wasn’t I romantic?) and went to her house a few times. Big pimpin!! Of course at her house, I was more interested in playing with her dolls and tea sets!

37. That’s the only girl I’ve ever dated… if you even want to call it that. I couldn’t bring myself to date any other girls, even just to squash any suspicions. Even though in high school I hadn’t really come out to myself, I still knew inside that I was gay and I just couldn’t do that to any of the girls.

38. When I was young, my mom brought me out of church to spank me because I was being loud. As we both walked back in, I belted out with “THAT DIDN’T HURT ANY!!!” We turned right around and went back outside… it hurt that time!

39. I’m slowly learning to play the guitar… very slowly

40. Love riding roller coasters! I can ride any roller coaster with no problems but put me on a ride that spins or swings back and forth and I’ll hurl!

41. My favorite coaster is Shockwave at Six Flags Over Texas (only in the back seat, the front sucks)

42. My nicknames in junior high: Fag, Faggot, Queer, Homo, Asshole, and Bitch (I loved you guys!! Hope I'm not leaving any out!)

43. My nicknames in high school: D, Big D, D-Money, and Professor

44. First full-fledged crush was in junior high. He was a sophomore if I remember correctly. And I don’t know what I was thinking!! My tastes have clearly changed (a lot) since then.

45. Have a habit of twirling my hair when I’m stressed

46. I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I put a perm in my hair every so often! It smells to high heaven, but it makes my hair straighter, more manageable, and softer. Without the occasional perm, my hair is out of control. Maybe I should start my own hair salon!! Ugh, maybe not. =)

47. I usually walk really fast. When I go anywhere with my friends, they are commonly yelling at me from about 20 yards behind me to stop and let them catch up.

48. I’ve been told I look like David Duchovny. I almost laughed in the woman’s face who told me this… I mean he doesn’t look bad (used to have a crush on him), but I don’t think I look anything like him!

49. I’m one of the quietest people you will ever met in your life… until I get to know you then you just can’t shut me up! I’ve always been categorized as the shy, quiet type. Anyone who really knows me knows that is anything but the case.

50. Several people have thought I’m older than I really am… that could be a good or bad thing depending on how you look at it.

51. I’ve been told by many people that I am mature for my age. It’s up to you to decide if that’s the case or not, but I guess it could be true. Various things during junior high forced me to grow up quickly, maybe too quickly.

52. I would love to have one of these and these and these! You know my birthday is coming up soon!! ;-)

53. To relieve stress, I either hop on the 4-wheeler and go get covered in mud or go for a drive down some curvy country backroad! Try it some time! It really works!

54. I have two dogs – one bitch of a dachshund (love her though!) and a bow-legged “deer” chihuahua (most retarded-looking dog I’ve ever seen)

55. In the past, I’ve had several rabbits (including the super laid back “drunk bunny”), about thirty different kinds of fish (catfish always tasted the best though *grin*), four flying squirrels, a smelly guinea pig, countless dogs, a kitten I adopted from my grandma, a few chickens (including the rooster that used to chase me around the house), some ducks, a couple of pigs, a turtle or two, a hermit crab (so much fun!!), some hamsters who broke out of their tube thing, several birds, an assortment of bugs, and a few snakes (though they were not pets).

56. I am a huge smart ass. There, I admit! It’s a defense mechanism gone all wrong. What started in junior high as a way to ward off any bullies has cost me a few friends over the years. I’m trying to change but it’s not an easy process. Making it even tougher is that I have a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor and that plays so well into it. My friends think it’s funny at times, but I know I can be a little harsh and possibly hurt someone’s feelings. I don’t like doing that – I know how it feels.

57. I’ve never been much of a sports guy, but I would like to try soccer someday.

58. I absolutely love to travel and go to new places (or even old places if they’re really fun).

59. I want to go to Europe at some point in my life.

60. I want to go drag racing as well!! On the track, not the street (I’ve sort of done that already). I need something fast though so I don’t get my ass handed to me by everything out there.

61. I came so close to getting a ‘72 Chevelle as my first car! So close!! It had a 350 and was an automatic. Dark blue with black stripes. It sold before we could get it. It’s probably good I didn’t get it though! I might not be here today if I had!!

62. Love to go camping… I’m talking two-miles-back-in-the-lake-swamp-on-
someone’s-hunting-lease-where-there’s-wild-hogs-on-the-loose-and-no-cell-
phone-service camping… but just camping at a state/national park is fine with me too!

63. I once flipped my mom the bird after watching the Beverly Hillbillies (the movie)… I was young! I didn’t know what it meant! Needless to say, we had a little talk after that incident.

64. It was a major event the first time I said “butt” and it’s taken almost 19 years for the words “crap” and “dang” to become acceptable in our house. You should hear my broken speech as I stutter trying to think of alternates for, umm… select words.

65. I never had the birds and the bees talk with my parents. I learned all of it from the best source imaginable – junior high kids. I’m still recovering!

66. My dad once set an old chair on fire and my entire family came out to watch it burn! We hated the damn thing. I'll say what you're thinking - my family is redneck. It's true, but what can ya do about it?

67. My parents and I have – for the most part – gotten along very well over the years… those chair burnings really bring a family together!!

68. My mom is the greatest person I know. She’s always been there for me both as a parent and as a friend. Love you mom!

69. My brother ran me over with a go-kart when I was little.

70. He also hit me right above my left eye with a baseball bat.

71. I hit him on the forehead with a golf club at a putt-putt golf place while we were on vacation in Arkansas.

72. The baseball bat sent me to the hospital and left a scar. The golf club just left a small bump that went away in two days… totally unfair! By the way, the go-kart left dirty tire marks on me but otherwise I was fine!

73. In high school, I was usually seen as the goodie-goodie. This means everyone wanted to see me get laid (I was wanting it in a slightly different way than they were wanting it to happen though), get shit drunk, pass out from drinking and let everyone take pictures just to prove that they got me drunk, get in a knock-out drag-out fight, get in a cussing match with anyone (preferably a teacher), get caught cheating, fail a class, get a day of suspension, do a burnout in the parking lot, leave campus during school time (and get caught), and many other, much worse things than that. They all let me know about it too! Was that supposed to convince me to do it? It didn’t work. None of that ever happened. Some came close though! =)

74. Our senior class prank in high school was supposed to be releasing several chickens in the main hall of the high school building with senior ’06 tags (we were ’05) on their legs on the juniors’ self-appointed skip day. We had it planned out perfectly even down to who wasn’t coming to school that day (the people who would be releasing the chickens) so that no one would suspect it was us who did it. Then, some bitch had to go tell on us! Needless to say, she was not popular with our class after that!!

75. We never did a senior prank… =(

76. I didn’t go to our senior skip day. Lame, I know, but I was feeling sick and being out on the lake wouldn’t have helped any. So I went to school instead. I had fun!! No one else was there so we (me and three other seniors) just did whatever we wanted. My math teacher and I kicked the asses of AG and my English teacher in Rook (I’m borderline obsessed with that game if you haven’t noticed yet)!

77. I can think of at least six girls who I was rumored to be dating in high school, including AP, N, the Corvette girl, and the tampon thrower! Oh and then there’s was my stalker in high school! She fell in love with me on a school trip!! She barely even knew me but she was one determined little bitch! I bet she had built a little shrine for me like Helga had for Arnold on Hey Arnold!! I’m showing my young age with that, aren’t I?

78. The most fun I’ve ever had on a trip was when a group from my high school went to San Antonio. Yeah, a big group of naïve country kids dumped out in downtown… we didn’t even know how a crosswalk worked! You should have seen us! When the light started blinking, we all got scared and just ran the rest of the way across the road (some were screaming too). What? We didn’t have crosswalks back at home! Hell, we barely even had a flashing caution light in town!! Needless to say, we all learned a lot about the big city on that trip!

79. The one time I almost got in a fight was at church! It was outside in the parking lot with the grown-ups inside having a prayer meeting (they needed to be praying for us!) while my brother sat on the hood of someone’s car watching us. Punches were never thrown, but we did the circling thing and pushed each other a few times. I don’t remember what it was all about. I’m sure it was something stupid though.

80. Winter is my favorite season. I love cold weather and snuggling up. Spring’s not bad either though, especially the first day of spring! ;-)

81. For my entire high school years, I crossed the line to go to a high school in a different parish. It was a little difficult and I felt a little disconnected (why is this a trend in my life??) but it was so worth it!

82. I was a moderator on a roller coaster message board for over four years before the site tanked. I’m a nerd. I know it. I can admit it. Being 13, it was really fun getting to delete or edit people’s crap just because I was sick of hearing them! I was a nice mod though… except for a massive argument I started then sat back and watched. Oops!!

83. My most embarrassing moment ever happened when I was at Six Flags Over Texas in the summer of 2000 (and feel privileged because I’ve never told anyone this). I was sitting on a bench at the front gate with my cousin when a group of people got my attention and wanted me to take their picture. What did I do? I went to get in the picture with them!!! OH MY GOD!!! I wanted to crawl under a rock and hide after that!! At least those people got a kick out of it and will have something to laugh about for the rest of their lives! I, on the other hand, will have something to look back and cringe about for the rest of my life.

84. The Shy One by B*Witched is my life’s theme song!! Yeah it’s an old teeny-bopper song, but it fits. Go find it (or shoot me an email if you really want to hear it).

85. My favorite type of music is techno/dance. It puts me in a good mood and makes me want to jump around the room doing funky white boy dance moves!

86. However, as of right now, my favorite song is Good Enough (I can’t say no) by Evanescence. I really don’t think I could say no either!

87. I acted in and/or wrote (mainly wrote) several short comedy skits in high school for our local FCCLA chapter. It was so much fun!! I absolutely loved it and would love nothing more that to act in (or maybe write) some skit or small play again some time!

88. I was president of our local FCCLA chapter my senior year of high school. By the way, FCCLA=FHA (Future Homemakers of America). It changed names in the late 90s to be more “male friendly.”

89. I also took home-ec, err… family and consumer sciences classes three out of my four years in high school. Sometimes I took more than one in a year! And I heard it all the time at home from my dad! I would just glare at him without saying a word when he said something about it. I did learn to cook much better (meaning I learned how to turn the oven on!) in one of those classes, thank you very much.

90. I always park in the same parking lot, on the same row, and on the same side of the row on campus everyday. If I didn’t, I would never find my car. I’m such a creature of habit!

91. I talk to myself when I’m alone in my car.

92. I still double tie my shoes.

93. I rock bed head almost every day of the week.

94. In high school, I had a girl ask if I was from the north ‘cause you don’t tawlk like alla’ us do. I just laughed in her face. If you knew how I talk, you would have laughed too.

95. My favorite single digit number is 6. Of all numbers, 78 is my favorite. I don’t know why either. I also prefer evens to odds. I’ve had a few OCD moments over that.

96. I have verbal road rage. Cut me off and I won’t flip you off or try to run you off the road but rest assured nasty words about you will be coming out of my mouth!

97. When I was little, I was intrigued by trains. Thomas the Tank Engine was my favorite show and I remember being glued to the window of my parents’ car when a train would pass on the tracks beside the road leading to town. The weirdest thing about all of this is that my parents have a picture of me from when I was only a few months old. Guess what was on my shirt? A train!! Chew! Chew!

98. Growing up, I never liked my first name. I always preferred my middle name to my first, but everyone knew and called me by my first name (and my full first name at that). One day I built up the courage to tell my parents I wanted to be called by my middle name instead of my first name. They laughed at me. I was serious though. I would actually prefer to just change my name – Wesley but have everyone call me Wes – but I’m not going to do that. I’ve grown into my name over the years, however I prefer N’s shortened verison – D.

99. I’m grabbing for straws here to get to 100!! I’m sure I’ll think of all kinds of things after I post this. So… hmm… if anyone who knows me finds this post, they’ll know who I am. All throughout the life of this blog I’ve tried not to reveal too much about myself in case someone who knows me well enough stumbles onto here. Most of the small details I have leaked might spark some speculation, but it’s never been anything that could solidly link back to me. Now there is. And ya know what? I don’t give a rat’s ass any longer if anyone does find it!

100. And finally (saved this for last!), my 6th grade teacher got me addicted to writing a journal. It started as an assignment at the beginning of the year, but by midterm, we were no longer required to do it. Everyone else stopped, but I still did mine. I kept a journal all through junior high, covering tons of completely useless stuff that filled by 11 year old life. I didn’t write much about myself or my life (mainly out of fear of someone founding it and reading it), but I think what I did write kept me going during those times. In high school, I got a little deeper with my journal writings, but it didn’t last long. I kept a spotty journal through my 10th grade year but not any longer. On August 27th, 2006, I finally returned to writing a journal… you’re reading it right now!

Major Problems With A Major Change

2007-02-25T17:40:00.000-06:00

I don’t understand some people. Why do they frown on college students who change their majors? My aunt and I were talking about this a while back, and I thought about it again after being asked about my major today. It usually goes something like this:

Them: “So how are your classes this semester?”

Me: “They’re all going good so far.”

T: “Well, that’s good. What are you majoring in again?”

M: “Marketing.”

T: (with a different tune in their voice) “You weren't originally going in that though, were you?”

M: “No, I was originally going in physics but I changed to marketing this past semester.”

T: (with a sneer and that look) “Oh.”

That look, you know, that disapproving, how-pathetic look. It’s like it’s such a horrible, unspeakable thing to change your major! You’re the scum of the earth now that you’ve changed your major! And this look only comes from people who didn’t go to college. Why? Bitterness because they didn’t go or couldn’t swing it? Or do they think changing your major means failure in that you couldn’t take what you were going in? Do they not realize how common it is for a college student to change their major?

I changed my major because I was over a year behind in physics (bad decisions on what classes to take) and about where I needed to be for marketing. I didn’t change because I couldn’t handle physics. I could have! I’ve always been strong in math and that side of science, and I did great in the classes that I had taken for physics. My interests changed slightly and I got tired of being so far behind.

If anything, the change helped me. I’ll finish a lot sooner, and I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do with a degree in physics anyway! But I think I would get a better reaction from some people if I told them I was dropping out rather than changing my major.

I guess you just gotta shake them hatas off!!
(N would be rolling if she knew I said that!)

PS: No tornadoes for us yesterday. We just had strong winds all day. Unfortunately, some farther north in Louisiana and in Arkansas weren’t so lucky. My thoughts go out to them.

The End

2007-02-23T21:54:00.000-06:00

I’m done.

I’ve had enough.

No more.

I’ve quit.

I can’t take it.

That's all.

It’s over.

I’m back!

What did you think I was going to say??

Yeah, it was short-lived, but I’ve done a lot of thinking over the last two days, so much I could barely concentrate during class (but hey – if it’s not one thing, it’s another!). On my way home yesterday, I took a drive down one of my favorite roads – windows down, music off, foot constantly in the gas… just me, the wind, the road, and a Camaro I almost hit going around a curve (!). For me, driving = thinking. I thought a lot during that drive and today about this blog and my internet addiction (not to be confused with a porn addiction by the way). I’ve come to the conclusion that this blog isn’t the problem. I just need to learn when to click ‘shut down’ on the computer. Idling this blog won’t help with that much, probably hurt if anything (that probably doesn't make sense to you but it does to me in a twisted way). I’m hooked on this blog (and others) but in a good, therapeutic way! =)

As for my internet addiction, let’s say something happened yesterday that could be equated to giving a drug addict several hundred kilos. Yep, finally got DSL. Ouch! It’s blazing fast too! I’m doing pretty good with fighting it so far though. It’ll be a work in progress, but I can do it.

So I’m back quicker than I even expected. I never saw this lasting a month or anything – maybe a week or so – but I never expected just two days! Reading back over my post, I made it sound like I was going away for a year!! I don’t think I could do that! I’d be in the nut house if I didn't have somewhere to let it all out!

On a different note, my confidence has been constantly going up lately … to the point that some of it may be coming out some time soon. But we’ll all just have to wait and see. I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve I may be trying (or doing – hehe!) and it’ll all depend on how that goes. I don’t know about it all right now, but when your mom asks you about your straighter and how to use it on her hair, somebody knows more than they’re letting on! ;)

Thanks for all the kind comments during my super-short hiatus!

PS: Tomorrow there's a chance of tornadoes here!! What's with the crazy weather lately?! Last week, we were in the 20s, 30s and barely even in the 40s. This week, we've had highs in the 70s and 80s and now tornadoes!! What next? I don't want to know!

It’s Bad When Even The D-Tour Has A Detour

2007-02-21T23:28:00.000-06:00

It’s time for me to take a break (detour?). My lack of anything worth posting lately has been a clue to me. Plus, I’ve realized I’ve become a little too obsessive over this blog and I need to get my life back in check. I’ve become addicted to the internet as well. I’ve been neglecting my school work, my family and friends, and myself just to be on the internet. That has to stop. I’ve got to get a hold back on my life again. There are just things in my life I need to take care of that aren’t being taken care of right now, so I must step away for a little while.

This isn’t the depression-fueled shit from a few weeks ago. I’m not depressed now. I feel very good in fact and I think I’ll feel even better after I back off a little. I’m doing this because I need to, not because my emotions are running wild like before. I think it’s just the best thing for me to do now. I hope you understand.

I’m not sure when I’ll be back – I will be back though – but I’ll still try to check everyone’s blog regularly. I’ll also still check my email and be on Yahoo from time to time, so you’ll still be able to contact me if you happen to need to.

Thanks for everything and for putting up with all of my crazy rambling! Ya’ll mean so much to me!! (Say that with a country twang to get the full effect!)

With lots of love, hugs, and kisses from the closet,
-SlyD

See you around!

Oh! Mr. Madison

2007-02-18T16:59:00.000-06:00

Saw this over on a ridiculous raw youth and couldn’t resist doing it too!

Maybe he was a little short, a little moody, a little sickly, but the man had a mind like a steel trap -- all the better for remembering anniversaries or your favorite pizza toppings or what song was playing the moment you first met. He was sensitive and brilliant, and you guys could have stayed up 'til 4 am just talking and talking and talking and never once gotten bored. Even better, he was totally laid back in his relationship -- his wife Dolley was the number one party girl of her time, and he totally let her be herself even though he was more into, well, politics. He was one of those stealth hotties -- the kind where first you're like "Madison? Yeah, he's cool. He's super interesting." Then eventually you're like, "I love that guy. He's my best friend." And then, one day you wake up and you love him to the depths of your soul and can't live without him.

And She’s From Louisiana…

2007-02-17T19:54:00.000-06:00

Can somebody tell me what this fool is doing?

Did this happen before or after she checked in only to turn around and check right out of rehab? And why the hell ain’t she in rehab now?

Does she have to be from Louisiana? Do we really have to claim her? And her dim-witted ex?

Gurl, you just need to sit down and stop!! I swear! You makin' Federline look like a shinin' saint. Now quit all yo foolishness and go take care of ya kids, honey.

Can You Take A Hint?

2007-02-15T16:07:00.000-06:00

Between our wildly varying class schedules, me living far away from campus, and jobs, my friends and I usually only see each other on Tuesdays and Thursdays during common hour. It’s the same drill almost every time. Our huddle – AG, AP, S and me (that’s three girls and me) – perched up on the second floor of the student center looking out over the “grand walkway” that cuts the campus in half (the same walkway that AP and I have talked about staging a very loud and visible fake break-up on). We found this very nice spot at the beginning of the semester and AP has vowed to beat anyone who gets the spot before we do. So far, no one has felt her wrath.

The conversation varies, but sex is guaranteed to be touched on in some fashion each time we meet. You would think all this would make me a little uncomfortable being that I’m not out to my friends yet. But no, it doesn’t (if it were guys talking about sex, it would probably be different). I commonly add my two (or twenty) cents whether it’s welcomed or not, but they seem to enjoy my male perspective without the straight male intentions I bring to the conversation. Hello!!

As if it wasn’t already obvious, I’ll throw a few hints into the conversation. They do no good though. Despite my suspicions of their suspicions, the hints never seem to register with them or at least they never say anything if they do catch them, but my hints are subtle, maybe too subtle. Or maybe I’m sending the wrong signals. I’ve gotten very close to AG and especially AP over the years. AP and I frequently have very deep and personal talks, and AP sometimes has a little twinkle in her eyes when she’s around me. Oops! Sorry honey! After almost six years with absolutely no sparks between any of us (at least on my end) and me never dating a girl, they have to suspect something!

I would have no problem coming out to my friends though. In fact, I’m dying to do it! I don’t think it would be an issue with them at all. It’s just that by telling them I would be telling the entire world and I’m not ready for that yet. I love ‘em to death but they couldn’t keep a secret to save their lives!

I know I’m being a little hypocritical about all this by hinting to my friends but at the same time not wanting to tell them now. It’s all a mess inside my head that hopefully will be worked out soon (I need to do some housecleaning up there!) but I’m actually very happy with where I’m at. I’ve come a long way in the last few weeks! But sometimes, I want someone to ask me just so I can say yes and for the first time, get at least one foot out of the closet. The door’s cracked right now… I’m just not sure if the coast is clear.

Happy V-day

2007-02-14T00:00:00.000-06:00

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!!
Hope you have a great day and spend it with someone you love!

That looks really good, doesn’t it? Mmmmmm!!

And since I don’t have a significant other in my life right now…
(and go take my econ and statistics tests for me today?)

Hugs & kisses to everyone!!!

Skip-Bo

2007-02-11T16:57:00.000-06:00

Not much has happened lately, not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Mostly it’s been school, school, and a little bit more school. Very exciting stuff.

So there’s nothing really to report, but it’s been Wednesday since I posted anything. It feels strange to have gone that long without any post action. Gotta get me some or I’ll go crazy!

About the only thing outside of school work I’ve done is going to my grandparents (on my dad’s side) last night to play cards, namely Skip-Bo. My whole family went. If it weren’t for my grandparents and their obsession with card games, I would not be the card shuffling whore I am today. And I’m sure that would be a bad thing.

We played partner Skip-Bo like we always do. My grandma and I were one team, my grandpa and brother were another team, and finally my mom and dad were a team. The reigning champs are my grandma and I. We’re a force to be reconned with in Skip-Bo! We’ve won more games than the other two teams combined. We’re just that good and we never let them forget it! =)

My grandma’s good about playing off our piles and I’ve become known as the cut-throat player. Give me any chance to cut someone else’s play off and I’ll take it. Be aggressive! B-E aggressive!! With our special skills combined, we’re obviously a powerful team.

But even with all of our tactics, we got beat last night. We played four rounds. The first three had each team winning once and we just couldn’t stop playing without determining a winner! That just wouldn’t be right! Round four was a tense battle, but my mom and dad flew under the radar to win. There’s always next time!

And despite my best efforts, I couldn’t convince any of them to play Rook! The last time I played was in July and I’m losing my touch here! Come on!!

Anyone up for a few good hands of Rook sometime?

Reflections: Gigapets And A Gay Friend

2007-02-07T22:57:00.000-06:00

It's a long one today guys! I’ve been reading Lemuel’s latest series, Persons in My Life. It’s very interest and thought provoking – you should definitely check it out if you haven’t already. His posts got me thinking and typing about my younger years (which weren’t really all that long ago).

-- -- -- -- --

On the first day of the 5th grade, an intruder entered our classroom. He was the new kid – let’s call him Jeff. Fascinated but hesitant all at the same time, everyone looked and sneered at him as we always did when anyone transferred into our close-knit school. Besides, it wasn’t often we had someone new around these parts.

But I remember Jeff was different from all of the others. The way he acted. The way he carried himself. Even the way he talked. And I liked it!

Jeff was the definition of a limp wrist, but at the time, I had no clue about all of that. He was just a kid I knew I wanted to be friends with. He seemed fun and outgoing! So while everyone else brushed him off – too young to have learned the marvelous and ingenious insults of ‘fag’ and ‘queer’ (just give it a year) – I quickly bonded with him. We became friends. I guess deep down inside we both knew we had something in common.

Jeff and I soon became inseparable. Where you saw one of us, the other was not far away. I felt closer to Jeff than I had any other friend. Even my 5th grade mind realized that. It was almost like – dare I say – we were dating.

Jeff introduced me to – among other things – those wonderful little creations from the early 90s known as Gigapets. I seem to remember them originally being marketed toward girls. Well, they caught on at our school with everyone, guys included – mostly because of Jeff. I remember talking on the phone with one now very straight guy in my class for hours about our new Nanopets (a much bigger, louder, more developed, and more attention-demanding version of a Gigapet). How gay was that?

With me having a Gigapet enlightenment and demanding my parents buy me every variation of them and even the rip-offs of them (of which they wisely did not meet most of the time), I – being the good little gay boy I was – needed something to carry them all around in. A purse? It would have served my purpose well… and sent the entire community into a loud rumble of gossip. But no, even I knew at that age that it wouldn’t go over well. So I moved on to one of those mini-backpack things. While much more masculine than a purse, it was still considered a girl’s accessory. Nonetheless, I begged my parents to buy me one so I could keep all of my Gigapets in it. After hearing ‘boys don’t get things like that’ a million times, they finally broke down and bought one for me. They didn’t get it for with a smiling face and a spring in their step (I took care of that for them), but they needed some peace and quiet I guess.

The next day at school, I proudly strutted around showing off my new Gigapet purse/backpack. I thought I was something, but Jeff acted like he didn’t even noticed. Slightly hurt by this, the purse/backpack never saw those school grounds again. Now doesn’t that sound like we were dating? I still have that backpack in my closet and use it from time to time when I travel.

During PE, recess, lunch or any break in the action, Jeff and I would commonly compare notes on how our digital animals were doing, different ways of taking care of them, and how we could hide them during class. Jeff’s pets were always doing better than mine. Mine were always on their last leg about to kick the bucket. Jeff and I would even “baby-sit” each other’s Gigapets at times. Occasionally, his came back with the much talked about angel on the screen. Oops! Sometimes we would trade our Gigapets, much to the disdain of my parents. Toward the end of our Gigapet fad, we became abuser. We had grown tired of the annoying little things and needed a new twist to keep it interesting. So we would beat and starve the poor pixilated figures on our screens until we all felt happy inside again. After that lost its spark, we tossed the damn things and moved on to the next fad.

Jeff and I started going over to each other houses not long after we became friends. I went to his more than he came to mine. I remember everytime I wanted to go to Jeff’s house my dad made a big deal out of it (you can figure out why). If it were left up to him, I probably would never have gone to Jeff’s house. Sneaking out wasn’t an option either as the almost five mile walk to his house would have gotten me there by sunrise (and someone would have seen me, picked me up and brought me home to a less than favorable reception). Knowing my mom though, she probably talked to my dad about it early in the morning before my brother and me got up and told him to let me go since she knew we were both close friends. It wasn’t until the later part of junior high that I discovered these secret discussion times.

The most memorable time with Jeff was the night I spent with him at his grandparents’ house in town. We frolicked around their small yard until rain forced us inside. The weather was starting to get bad. After listening to a few stories from Jeff’s grandpa and eating some of his grandma’s crazy good cooking, we went to Jeff’s room in his grandparents’ house and I noticed the yellow glow coming in through his window. I’ve always been told when it’s yellow outside a tornado, hail, or both is on its way (oddly enough – and thankfully – neither has ever followed the yellow glow). I started getting nervous. Bad weather has always scared me. Jeff obviously noticed this because I remember him grabbing my arm as I looked out the window and telling me not to worry about it. How sweet was that? He didn’t have a TV in the room, so he turned on some Celine Dion and a few other artists very similar to her that we listened to late into the night as my concern about the weather slowly faded away. We talked needlessly about the newly released movie, Titanic. Jeff was in love with that movie! It was all he ever talked about. I got sick of hearing about it at times.

It finally came time for us to get in the bed. I remember both of us lying in bed facing each other, Jeff rubbing his leg up against mine and holding my arm (he never held my hand) as we both giggled, I a little nervously. As far as I can remember, nothing beyond that ever happened that night or any other time we were alone together. I can’t say I really enjoyed it though. It was a little awkward and confusing for me.

After the 5th grade, Jeff’s parents divorced and he moved to a different school. I was left all alone to fend for myself. He left with me a few of his diva skills though. He cracked my wrist a little… something I didn’t necessarily need going into junior high. Guilty by association and by then everyone had learned those special words. Most of my old friends had left me behind because of a combination of me spending all of my time with Jeff and them knowing what was different about him (and me too). The next three years would not be kind.

I haven’t seen or heard directly from Jeff since then, some nine years later. I have a habit though of disassociating myself with the people I went to school with before high school. The times weren’t particularly good and seeing those people again only brings back the memories. But I had heard through several people that Jeff had dropped out of high school. Being where he was, I don’t think I blame him too much as I know how the people at that school were and still are. I did, however, see his name in the arrest column in our local newspaper – drugs. I also found him on a personals website. He didn’t have a picture, but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was him. He was listed as bi. Hmm…

The incident with Jeff was the closest thing I’ve ever had to a gay experience. Yes, you read that correctly – nothing has happened beyond that. Looking back though, I kind of wish Jeff had never left. Things were bound to happen if he had stayed and I don’t know that I would have had a problem with that. Plus, I would have had a buddy in those relentless junior high years. And who knows what might have happened between us? A gay powerhouse around that small country school? I guess I’ll never know, but I wish Jeff the best wherever he is now. Maybe someday in the future we will meet again.

Morning Sickness

2007-02-06T14:09:00.000-06:00

This morning I woke up feeling like I had only half of the cylinders firing. I had gone to bed later than normal last night, plus I was around Tiff yesterday who is just now getting over a week’s worth of illnesses. I’m afraid I may be coming down with something too. Let’s hope not!

Looking and feeling like absolute shit, I thought as I was leaving the house about not going to the GSA meeting today on campus. Just hanging with the girls and doing nothing (or maybe sleeping) sounded a lot more fun to me. But I had been looking forward to the meeting for several weeks, so I decided to would go anyway. Inside though, I was actually wanting something to pop up and prevent me from going. I wasn’t in a good mood today, and I didn’t really want my first impression to be one of a crabby bitch.

I got my wish. As I was leaving my chemistry class, I saw AP (and she saw me so no turning and running away) sitting in one of the chairs in the hallway waiting for AG and S to finish their tests. I didn’t feel like brushing her off to go to the meeting. I needed someone to talk to anyway.

We ended up having a blast as we all crammed into S’s car and rode around town during common hour. Laughter always makes me feel better and we all did a lot of laughing!

As for GSA, there’s always next time. Two weeks.

-- -- -- -- --

As I was driving home, I noticed several of the old ladies in the community were out in their yards piddling around with this and that. Today is a bright, warm, and sunny day. Just the day to be doing that. Just the day my grandma would have loved. As I approached our house, I almost expected to see my grandma out working in her yard across the road. She’d throw her hand up with a big smile on her face as I pulled into our driveway. And I sometimes expect to see her standing at her screen door as I put my stuff in the car in the morning. As I leave, she’d crack the door and wave. But no one’s ever there now. No one in the yard. No one standing at the door. No waves. No smiles. It’s all gone except for the memories.

Randomness With A Splash Of Good And Bad News

2007-02-02T23:53:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to say that today has been freaking awesome!! I’ve been alone almost all day (very rare) and had fun every second of it! I popped in my favorite techno CD, striped down to only my boxers, and danced all over the house for half of the day! I can’t dance, but it sure as hell was fun trying!!

I thought about videotaping some of my dancing and posting it on here… that thought didn’t last long. Sorry guys!

I never noticed this before, but I am so much hotter than I thought I was! =) I mean just check out my amazing fashion sense!

While I’m linking to pictures, can anyone think of a good name for my car? I’m drawing a blank and I know ya’ll are a lot more creative than I am. To show how creative I am with names, my truck is simply called The Brick. Genius, I know! Give me a ton of suggestions (you can definitely submit more than one!) and I may have a poll to let you vote for the name!

I got a 97 on my accounting test! Holla!!

AG (a girlfriend): “I wish I had a penis. I would play with it all the time if I did.”

Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling, and everytime we kiss, I swear I can fly. Can’t you feel my heart beat fast? I want this to last! Need you by my side. Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static, and everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky. Can’t you hear my heart beat slow? I can’t let you go! Want you in my life.

Yeah, I just bought her CD along with a Madonna CD this past week. Next on the list is Barbara Streisand!! ;-)

We’re getting DSL!!! Most likely at least. There are still a few details that need to be worked out first. A few of you know that I’ve been stuck with dial-up because our house is the only one on our road that can’t get DSL. After a call to our local phone line guy, that’s about to change!

-- -- -- -- --

The Good News:
I’m gay! In both interruptions of the word! Just the other day, a friend was talking about how much she hated her life. I was sitting there looking at her and listening to her bitch about everything imaginable while I wondered how anyone could truly hate their life. I love my life!! Yeah, I’ve been depressed and life just seemed to suck at the time, but even at my lowest point, I never hated my life. I’ve still got years ahead of me (hopefully) and I’m not able to sit around sulking while they pass by! So I put a smile on my face, rip my clothes off, and dance! God forbid I ever actually go to a bar and get drunk!! The things I might do…

The Bad News:
After looking up (stalking) tgimhc on MySpace, I… well first let me say I hate MySpace. I just hate it! One reason I hate it is for the very thing I commonly use it for, but mostly I hate it for all the crap people put on there… the songs, the videos, the millions of useless pictures (we don’t have to see the cover of every damn album you own), the colors that clash so bad they make your eyes bleed, the stupid cursors that change when you visit a page, the backgrounds that make it impossible to read anything, and I could keep going on. Maybe it’s just because I have dial-up and all that crap slows the page to a suicidally (is that a word?) slow rate. Now there are some good pages out there, but the bad far outweighs the good. And that’s why I use Facebook for all of my internet social networking needs. They don’t allow html! Thank you Facebook! I do have a very bare MySpace page though. If you really want to add me as a friend, shoot me an email. I’m not going to post a link to it on here. Don’t expect to find out much about me on there however.

So what was I even talking about? Oh yeah, tgimhc. Well, I found out that he is… straight. At least according to his MySpace page, he is. *sigh* Yeah, sucks but he’s still some really good eye candy! On his page, he says his willing to try “just about” anything though! ;-)

Hope ya’ll have a great gay weekend!! Be sure to post some suggestions for a name for my car!

ROLLER COASTER!!!

2007-02-01T16:35:00.000-06:00

I love roller coasters! Loops and drops and turns! Oh my! Anyway, I was looking on YouTube and found this on-ride video of a roller coaster I rode this past summer. It’s Powder Keg at Silver Dollar City in Branson, Missouri. If you’re ever in or near Branson and you like roller coasters, you should definitely check this little ride out (plus Silver Dollar City is a really neat place)! It packs a lot more punch than it looks like! ~~You float~~ you’re thrown out of the seat over every single hill and that second hill is really wild!!! Unfortunately, you can’t see much of that hill in the vid… just know it’s one of the best parts on the ride (to me at least). Enjoy and get those hands up!!

So, what’s your favorite roller coaster? The Keg really isn’t my absolute favorite – that goes to Shockwave at Six Flags Over Texas – but it's still a really fun ride! So fun I could barely stop myself from getting back in line for another ride every time! Just be sure to do what the announcements say when you ride it and put all of the junk from your pockets in the cubby holes… trust me! ;-)

What They Didn’t Say

2007-01-29T22:25:00.001-06:00

I’ve been so focused lately on what my parents did say that I completely ignored what they did not say.

I never thought about it until a little while ago when I was in the shower (aka the Great Thoughts Generator). Yea, my parents asked my bro if he was gay but that was it! Nothing came after that. No ‘because if you are, we’ll kick you out.’ No ‘we’ll disown you.’ Nothing! NOTHING!!!

Plus when my mom popped the question to my bro, it seemed to be an afterthought even with her condescending tone. It was like she was telling my bro what my dad had said and then just tacked on a ‘oh, you’re not, are you?’ at the end.

Maybe I’m overanalyzing this again – I have a tendency to do that with things – but this could be just as monumental as my mom’s silence a few weeks back. Laying the foundation for things to come, I guess.

-- -- -- -- --

My classes are going along good so far. I have my first test in accounting tomorrow! Not sure how it will go!

The Gay-Straight Alliance meeting on campus is next week! I’m prepping my friends for my absence during common hour that day so they won’t suspect anything. I feel so bad doing that though! I’ve ditched them once to hang out in the library (unfortunately not with tgimhc) and I’m going to do it again tomorrow to study for accounting. They never call to check on me when I don’t show up during common hour… I always call them if they don’t show. Maybe that says something about our friendship. Of course, I am hiding something from them so who am I to be questioning all that? We do all have our secrets though.

The Ongoing ‘Gay Brother’ Saga

2007-01-28T20:27:00.000-06:00

And so it continues…

Friday night, everybody was gathered in the kitchen after my mom and dad had returned from their weekly grocery shopping. My mom, my brother, and me were joking around about something my mom had said early when my dad suddenly erupts on my brother with his “you’re gay” crap.

Now up until this point, all that my brother had heard about this had been translated through my mom. When my dad opened his mouth, my brother shot me that brother look that we use so frequently. It kind of scared me. Does he know about me? He does. I’m almost 100% sure that he does.

I leaned against the sink smiling slightly as I watched my dad assault him with a barrage of questions and accusations. I watched my brother closely. He stayed calm and cool this time, never flinched or showed any sign of discomfort. Maybe he is telling the truth here (he probably is). Or maybe he’s just gotten really good at it. But it’s always been me who has had the gay questions… he shouldn’t be that good!

Toward the end of my dad’s badgering, my dad said something to the effect of “you better watch that guy… he can get you. He can turn you.” Ah, ignorance! Again, I thought to myself “what the fuck?” That’s a very common thought by the way.

The gay accusations dissolved into my dad determining that my brother will be addicted to gambling – my brother and his co-worker went to the casino that night – and lose every bit of his money on it. This then led into talking about people from our church that he had heard had won like $10,000 at the casino and him passing judgment on them for doing that. Hypocrite. It’s almost laughable how absurd some of the shit my dad says is. Just seconds after saying all of that, he talks about some woman at church that he’s in love with. In fact, most of his conversations throughout the day are centered around this woman. Keep in mind that he’s married! I don’t know how my mom has put up with it. If I was her, I would have divorce his ass years ago. Sometimes, I wonder if they have come close to divorce over this but kept it together just for us.

-- -- -- -- --

I was originally going add more to this, but an optical migraine suddenly hit me tonight. You know, the type where some of your vision just goes. I can’t see parts of the left side of the screen right now! So that’s all for now. What is here was typed earlier today before the migraine. Maybe more tomorrow. Or later tonight if at least the vision part of the migraine goes away.

Eerie Silence

2007-01-24T23:11:00.000-06:00

It’s been very quiet around the house lately… too quiet. The calm before the storm?

It’s an uncomfortable quiet, thick with tension. My parents aren’t saying much and neither am I. It’s just strange. Something’s going on here… I just can’t figure it out.

In other news, my dad is convinced my brother is gay. I wanted to tell him he’s got the wrong son! Well, I guess… I’ve had my suspicions about my brother. Double whammy for my parents if we’re both gay!

By the way, did anybody see the gay twins on Tyra last night? Hot! I was just about to turn the TV off and go to bed when her show came on. The show was about coming out in case you didn’t see it. I watched the part about the twins which included showing them coming out to their parents. It seemed too easy, but there were cameras there at the time. That can change everything. It was a really short part – I was a little disappointed – and I stopped watching after that.

Getting back to my brother, it all started when he went out this past weekend for a night on the town with one of the guys he’s now working with. Not a big deal, right? Well, not to my dad!

After being proved wrong that my brother would come home drunk and/or stoned, I guess my dad had to resort to accusing my brother of being gay. Of course, what should we expect from him? He’s always been so negative about everything. If I’m ever in a good mood, it’s best to avoid my dad as much as possible. It’s almost like he wants us to be a failure. He even told me flat out to my face in high school that when I go to college I’ll get into drugs, sex, and alcohol and eventually just drop out. I almost want to do that just to spite him, but that would only prove him right…

And I don’t know where all that comes from. Neither my brother or me have ever been in any kind of serious trouble. My parents have had it easy with us! Maybe my dad thinks we’ve been too good. Of course, I’ve always been the more troublesome of their two children. I talked back. I was a real bitch at times. I lied all the time. I used to steal some of my brothers things. I ran through the house and knocked things over. And I got whoopins almost everyday of the week when I was little too!

Anyway since my brother’s night out and me filling him in on some of what my dad had said while he was gone, me and him have had a running joke about him getting drunk. Monday evening, my mom, my brother and me all happened to be home at the same time. I joked about my brother getting drunk, and then my mom dropped the ball. She told my brother about my dad thinking he was gay (I wasn’t about to tell him). It was weird. While she talked about what my dad had said, she used the word “gay.” When she asked my brother if he was gay, she used the word “queer” and said it in a condescending way. What the fuck?

I don’t like that word, queer. I never have. It has too many negative connotations for me to be comfortable with it, especially with the way my mom said it. I think I would rather be called a fag than a queer.

He denied it. But so have I. In fact, I think I’m long overdue for the question. It’s been a few years. They’re slacking! My brother, like I always did, seemed very uncomfortable and quickly changed the subject. Like usual, I suddenly fell out of the conversation when the topic arose. After having previously added a comment to everything each of them had said, I wonder if she noticed my silence. The entire conversation ended shortly after as both my brother and I walked away almost at the same time. For us to be so different, we seem to have so many things in common… maybe even some things in common that we just won’t admit.

My mom has always said she wished she could have had a girl. Would two queens be sufficient?

Shopping Spree And An Old Friend

2007-01-22T20:59:00.000-06:00

Part 1 of my shopping spree has been completed. I got to town little over an hour before my noon class started. First stop – Barnes & Noble ;-)

A little intimidating (more on that later) but I had to go there in person. No ordering anything online. My parents (in all of their snooping greatness) would just have to see what it was I had ordered. And that wouldn’t work. I had originally intended to rush in, get the books I wanted, and move on to the next store on the list. Maybe five minutes, ten tops…

What is it about that place that makes you want to wander around and look at everything? I stayed in there just looking at stuff for over 30 minutes (and I could have stayed longer)! Of course, part of the reason it took so long is that I had to build up the courage to go down that aisle.

I was hesitant to go down there at first. I wandered around the store looking at several other things and picked up a neat looking book on architecture. I would pass by the aisle and glance but never would go down it. I was afraid someone who knew me would see.

But then I realized the store was almost empty and most of the people that know me probably have never stepped foot in a bookstore or if they had, they wouldn’t be there at that time. So finally my balls dropped and I got the nerve to back down the aisle!

I stopped right in front of the tiny Gay/Lesbian section. They can’t possibly have all the books I want with this very limited selection! I was looking for three books… they only had one. =) But I got more than just a book.

It was empowering standing there looking at that section while several people passed by and some looked. It was like I was coming out to them, like I was getting a taste of an outted life. And it felt great!! I loved it!! As I went to check out, the woman at the register suddenly got the biggest smile on her face as she looked at the books I had. It was like she was giving me a thumbs up! That felt great as well!

After leaving B&N, I went to Circuit City to check out the MP3 player I had had my eye on for a while. Nothing too expensive. All I wanted was something small that would hold enough songs for me to listen to while I walked/jogged/ran at the track. It fit the bill as did its price tag. As you may have noticed, that link is not to CC’s website. Yep, I ran over to Best Buy where they had it $20 cheaper!

-- -- -- -- --

Since I had stayed at B&N longer than expected and ended up going to Best Buy to get the MP3 player, it was getting really close to 12! So I hauled ass out to the car after getting through at BB.

I had to stop at every damn light!!

An almost steady stream of cuss words was flowing out of my mouth (with an occasional break to sing along to “Play That Funky Music White Boy” of course!). I was going to be late for my first day in the class! I floored it leaving every stop and zipped in and out of traffic to get there. I walked in the classroom at 11:56…

…to see a beaming face! Tiffy!!! I was surprised she was so happy to see me! It had been last spring since I had a class with her! We chatted for several minutes and caught up with each other in the short time before started class. It felt so great to talk to her again! Still on my B&N high, I almost wrote her a note during class telling her I’m gay. Then, I figured that may not be the best way (or place… or time) to tell her. Between me writing cutesy notes and drawing smiley faces in her notebook and both of us laughing like little school girls, I think she knows though! =)

After class, we talked as I followed her out to her car. She let me smell her barbeque-scented trunk!! I felt so honored to have the privilege! She’s so much fun to be around! Then after she got in her car to leave, I headed to my car to drop off about 15lbs of dead weight and pick up Snap to go read in the library before my next class started at 2. I didn’t have long and only read eight pages but so far it’s great!

So, today’s been a pretty damn good day! Maybe it’s starting a trend!!

Tomorrow is part 2 of the shopping spree… clothes, shoes and who knows what else!

It's Late

2007-01-21T02:03:00.000-06:00

And I should know the night I want to go to bed early, I can't sleep. I'm bored. Tired. A little bitchy. Sounds like the normal me! Ok, maybe not... well just scratch the tired and then it'll fit! But check this out...

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace.
You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions.
You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected.

It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional.
You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others.
While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well.

At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything.
You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams.
You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

These things are so good! Like 95% of the time, they're right. Creepy. But hey, they're enough to entertain me at 2am so I'm cool with it!

As for other things, it's raining outside... or at least it was. We're supposed to have rain all night and into the early parts of tomorrow... I mean today (whatever!). That's good... my car needed to be washed! Too bad it can't clean out the inside, too! My lazy ass'll have to get out there and do that. It's not very bad though, mainly on the driver's side... don't have anybody to ever ride on the passenger side (or to put the rear seats to good use). I will someday though! Yes, I will! =)

Just looking at my checkbook, I actually have over $550 in there! And that's after buying all of my books! Wow... can you say shopping spree? I sure as hell know I can! I need to buy some new clothes, a few books (thanks Lewis!), an MP3 player, and maybe some random crap I really don't need but wouldn't mind having. That'll put a dent in my checking account! I've got to have some self-control though.

Reading back over some of my past posts, I realized I never told ya'll what happened with the friends I was thinking about coming out to. In short, we set up a time... one had to work... the whole thing was called off. Probably a good thing.

Well, I guess that's all for now. Eyes aren't wanting to stay open. I'll get back in bed and see if I can go to sleep. Later!

A Look In The Trash Can

2007-01-20T02:31:00.000-06:00

You wouldn’t believe the number of things I’ve typed fully intending to post them, but I never did for one reason or another. Last night (actually early yesterday morning) I typed two posts. One got posted at 1:43am but later deleted by me around 11am. The other was supposed to be posted after I got up in the morning, but I had a change of heart and it never made it up. I thought I would post both of them just to give you a glimpse of what was going on in my mind that night.

-- -- -- -- --

[This is the first one I typed and actually posted. It was supposed to set the stage for the second one.]

Title: Depressed, Lonely And Confused

I guess I’m hitting my period again! LOL!

But seriously, the emotions are back. They come and go in waves. And sometimes they last an hour, other times they can last for days. Random things or sometimes seemingly nothing trips them.

I had a friend once tell me in a joking manner that she thought I had emotional problems, though I could tell she wasn’t completely joking. And maybe I do… hell, who am I kidding? I probably do!! These emotions are nothing new. I’ve had them for years now, but they’re only getting stronger as time goes on. I really should get some help before I actually do go crazy!

I’ve looked on my college’s website about their student counseling program. It’s free to all students, but they say if it’s something long-term or too serious they’ll refer you to someone else outside of the college. I’m thinking about setting up an appointment with one of the counselors after the new semester mayhem settles down. They might as well go ahead and refer me to someone though!

-- -- -- -- --

[Here’s the second and more extreme one. Thoughts of closing the D-Tour came as I was typing this.]

Title: Off The D-Tour, Back On The Main Road

I think it’s time I take a break from the D-Tour and maybe the blogging world as a whole. Yes, this blog and others have helped me in so many ways – even in ways I probably don’t notice – and I’ve met some great people along the way too. But, something’s telling me to back off a little. Step back and leave for a while… how long, I don’t know. It may be a few days, a week, a month… I may never come back (doubtful, I love you guys too much!). Mainly, I just need to get away from the computer.

I probably won’t be checking many of your blogs like I normally would. I will still check my email and be on Yahoo and AIM from time to time, but there will probably be very few, if any, new posts from me on here. Feel free to chat though! I’m not trying to isolate myself from any of you… just easing back on the blogging and the time on the computer.

And who knows… this may not even last through the rest of today. I don’t know. I can guarantee you though that if anything really exciting happens (like I talk to tgimhc) I’ll quickly come running back to tell ya’ll! I can’t keep all that juicy stuff to myself, ya know!! =)

So with all that said, I hope you guys have fun and don’t think any of this is against you (it’s not). Talk to ya’ll later!

-The Sliest of Slies, SlyD

-- -- -- -- --

So, there ya go. Me losing my mind. There is some truth to both of these though. I probably will go see a counselor at some point and I am cutting back on my time spent on the computer. Reading back over these, I was surprisingly level-headed and upbeat in them especially considering how shitty I felt that night. I guess I can fake it really good.

Another Try

2007-01-19T18:34:00.001-06:00

If you happened to have seen my post from late last night before I deleted it, please ignore what I said. I don’t know what was going on then. Too late and I needed some sleep I guess. I even considered closing down the D-Tour, so I think I was having a little crazy spell!

I’m feeling much better now than I was last night. I caught up on the sleep I had lost all this week. Plus, I just got back from going mud riding on the 4-wheeler about an hour ago, and that always leaves me smiling (and this time, with a numb face from the cold)! It had warmed up all of about 5* to reach a grand total of 45* and that was warm enough for me!! Boots, a jacket, some gloves and I was gone into the woods! What is it about hitting mud and water with the 4-wheeler that is so damn fun? Being a country boy?

-- -- -- -- --

I’m wanting to post some sound clips, but I don’t know where I can upload them so I can post them. Is there a site out there that’s the audio equivalent of Youtube? I’ve got them recorded and saved on my computer. I just need a site to put them on so I can post them.

Yea, short post today… I haven’t had anything to say lately. Nothing’s happened!

Freezing On The First Day

2007-01-16T18:26:00.000-06:00

My eyes scan the campus walkways.

There! Right there!

My heart starts beating faster.

I can’t look… not directly at least. I just keep talking to AP on my cell phone as I walk past him around to one of the pillars of the building.

Quick glances.

I end the conversation with AP after I realize I’m mindlessly saying words to her and not actually listening to anything she’s saying. My thoughts are occupied by something else… or I should say someone else.

I hang up the phone and head inside to do what I had originally intended to do (officially changed my major). I walk by him. He’s on the phone. I want to just grab him and drag him over to one of the “private studying rooms” in the library to have my way with him. That would be hot!

So, lucky me… I get to see the guy in my history class on my first day back! Hopefully, it won’t be the last time to see him either. He is so hot… I can barely take my eyes off of him (that is if I ever look directly at him)! Maybe someday I’ll develop the balls to go talk to him.

-- -- -- -- --

Ok, today wasn’t so bad. Just damn cold! I don’t think it ever got over 35 here. Just two days ago the highs were in the 70s! That’s Louisiana weather for you though! And tonight, there’s a chance of snow. Yes, snow! By the end of the week, the high will probably be back up around 70 or 80…

I had three classes today – chemistry, accounting and a computer course. Accounting is going to be tough! The professor seems like a bitch but a bitch who knows her stuff. The others shouldn’t be too bad… though the professor for the computer class is a whack job. Tomorrow, I have an economics and a statistics class… if they’re not canceled because of snow.

[By the way, I took that picture on the way home today… almost ran off the road doing it too! It’s related to absolutely nothing in this post, but I just thought I would add it to spice things up a little. Bonus points if you can tell me what road that is!!]

Spring Starts In The Winter

2007-01-15T22:20:00.000-06:00

Classes start back tomorrow. Oh joy! Yes, the excitement I once had has faded. But it’ll be fine once I get back into the groove. It’s just getting back into that groove that’s such a pain in the ass.

And who knows what may happen this semester! I’m hoping a lot, if ya know what I mean! =) I guess I’ll just have to wait and see though!

Silence Is Golden

2007-01-14T16:38:00.000-06:00

I was lying in bed late last night listening to the rain falling outside my window and the thunder rumbling off in the distance when I had an epiphany.

MY MOM KNOWS!!!

She knows! She has to! Like Red Bricks once told me, mommas always know! The signs have pointed to it for years – I just never noticed it until now – and something happened this past week that seems to have confirmed it. Whether or not she’s willing to admit it, though, may be a different story.

Friday, I was volunteered by my dad to go with my mom and him to Lowe’s to pick up some lumber and other things he needed to do some work around the house. As a compromise to make up for taking my oh so valuable time (of doing nothing), they agreed to go to Walmart to pick up some junk I needed for my classes that start next week.

So, we get to Walmart, and my mom and I walk down the school supplies aisle. Low and behold, there’s a clearly gay guy talking to a girl at the end of the aisle. I cringe. Any second now she’s going to lean over and whisper something about him in my ear. We walk past him and the girl. Waiting, waiting. On to the next aisle… nothing! She never said a word to me about him.

Maybe I’m reading too closely between the lines here, but that – her silence – speaks volumes to me! She always has something to say about anyone who sets off her gaydar and this guy would have set it off. But she said nothing.

Every time she has said something to me in the past about a guy she thinks is gay, I quickly brush it off and change the subject. Maybe she finally realized this or saw something in my expressions that sent her the message to stop… that hearing her say those things makes me uncomfortable and that she’s talking about her own son when she talks about them.

So maybe I’ve gotten further along than I thought… and without actually doing anything to boot!

Everybody’s Rootin’ For Ya!

2007-01-13T23:38:00.000-06:00

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Getting to school early – around 5:30 am – to a cold, dark parking lot with two buses lined up, one behind the other. Everyone’s dressed up and tired. None of us are usually even awake at this time much less at school dressed in our best, most professional. We all file onto our predetermined bus and get comfortable in our seats for a drive to the big city. By the time everyone’s counted and the roster’s turned in to the office, the sun already peeks up over the pines and lights the once dim bus. Finally, we’re off.

More head counting and looking at who didn’t show. If they’re not here, fill their spot. We don’t need any empty spots! More panicked communicating between the two buses and all the spots are full. And we’re almost there. We’re all almost asleep.

Pulling into the parking lot of the convention center filled with other yellow buses, everyone slowly comes back to life… their once pretty hair they probably got up at 2 am to do is all messed up now. A quick word of instruction and encouragement goes to both buses before we’re let loose to join the sea of letterman jackets inside. Crowded and noisy – God it’s noisy! – I push my way to the men’s restroom to relieve my bladder and make sure everything’s in the right place. Then, I’m off. Oh wait, my partner! Where is she? She has to take this with me!

Joined up with her, we both walk into the huge test room to find our table. Accounting I… where the hell is it? Why can’t these be in order? Oh wait, they are in order! There it is!, she yells as her overly country voice seems to echo throughout the room.

We both get to our table and sit beside each other… just like we aren’t supposed to do. Hide your nametag, she says. We get the test. Phew! It worked! I breeze through it then sit for a little while as she looks on my answer sheet. I took the plunge first and got up – before she’s completely finished her test – to turn in my answer sheet. Can’t make it obvious by both of us getting up at the same time… they notice stuff like that here.

I walk out confident. I am going to state! That was too easy! A few minutes later my partner comes out and punches me for leaving before she had finished copying off my answer sheet. She even has the audacity to tell me she thinks I got one wrong! Thanks a lot for cheating off me and being so grateful I let you! I am your ticket to state, ya know!

We’re not through yet. Another test. In about 30 minutes. Accounting II. Me and little Miss Hillbilly again. We hang out and ask the others how they did on their tests as they emerge from the big test room. Some great, some not so good. We see some people from other schools we know and talk with them for a few minutes. I scope out a few hot, preppy guys from the big city schools. Just wasting time looking and chatting before our next test starts.

Time is up! The doors open for the next round of tests and people flood in to find their tables. And we’re right in the middle of the flood! Ah ha, our table’s close to the door this time! Hey let’s try sitting by each other again, she whispers as we approach the table. Hell no you ungrateful bitch, I think but just smile and nod my head in agreement instead. Doesn’t work! Our test administrator is a little more observant this time. So she moves diagonally across the table from me. No cheating this time babe… you’re on your own. We get the test… I don’t know any of this shit! What kind of depreciation? Diminishing what? Huh? We never covered this in that much detail! I speed through the test going with just my gut instinct for most of the answers and working backwards to figure out the math problems. There! I’m done! Whoa, she’s already left!

Right as I’m walking out of the test room, my advisor walks by me. She asks how it was and I tell her AI was super easy and I was sure I was going to state with it and AII was horrible, no chances there. Always kind, she congratulated me on AI and says I probably did better on AII than I think I did. Yeah right! There is no way!

So we hang around a while longer till everyone’s finished their tests then head off to the mall. I follow some of the girls (like usual) through all the clothing stores, down every tampon aisle in every store, and even a trip to Victoria's Secret. After they’ve finished shopping – and oh two guys from our school try on prom dresses – we leave to go back for the awards ceremony. See how great I did in AI and how bad I did in AII.

The ceremony starts. Blah blah… get on to the actual awards! To understand the awards, there are two categories in which you can place and only one overall winner for each event. The first category is like runner-up. The second category moves on to state. And the overall winner goes to state and gets to go up on stage to receive a nice plaque. Each participant is called out by their school’s name then – if there are two people in the event from that school – A or B. I was A in both of my events. For this, I’ll just say I was Hickville-A.

They get to Accounting I. The first category… neither of us. Second category… she’s called first then later it’s me. We’re both going to state!! She rode me right on to state, but I did better than she did on the test. Then, Accounting II. First category… she’s called out, no state for her in that event. Hmm… how could she have been better than me? Must have cheated off someone who actually knew the stuff! Second category… everyone’s attention (from my school) turns to me. They start the chanting – Number one! Number one! Number one!

Wow, I think, these people really want me to win this thing!

But my confidence in the AII test just wasn’t there and I shake my head. No way, I tell them. The list of names for the second category goes on.

Number one! Number one! Number one!

Still no Hickville-A, only B. Hmm… my heart starts racing as more start chanting… even some from other schools are chanting now! Maybe I didn’t do so bad on this after all… no, there’s no way… I didn’t know half of the stuff on it!

The second category ends. I was never called out.

And the overall winner for Accounting II who will be going on to represent this district at the state conference in Baton Rouge is…

My heart is beating out of my chest… could this be me? Could it? The chanting suddenly gets quieter as everyone listens to hear who it is.

HICKVILLE-A!!!!!!!

Everyone who was chanting busts out with cheers as I spring out of my chair and run – yes, literally run – up on stage! With a quivering hand from the adrenaline rush, I accept the plaque and shake the guy’s hand. Everyone from my school’s still yelling and screaming for me! I turn, waving the plaque in the air as the cheers get even louder and more spread out in the room, and instead of running back, I sort of jog back to my seat with the biggest, goofiest smile you’ve ever seen! Everyone crowds around to see the plaque and congratulate me.

Wow! I never thought this was possible! I never would have guessed I had done that good! I never would have imagined all of these people – both from my school and other schools – would be rooting for me to win! Yes, me… the kid who just three years earlier had almost no friends… no one cheering for him… no one except for family who seemed to care about him… who felt awkward and alone in the world… who wondered what a true friend really was… who wasn’t sure if he could even keep going. I never would have imagined then that one day it would be me who all these people were cheering so loudly for!

To this day, that plaque still hangs above the nightstand in my bedroom (and will go with me wherever I move) to remind me of the day when everybody was rootin’ for me. Every time I look at it, I smile as I think I about the time when the seemingly impossible happened and I realized just how many people had my back. A little bit of the adrenaline rush from that day comes back every time too.

On that note, I want to thank everyone for coming to this site and reading my blog! I especially want to thank all of you who have left such kind, supportive and sometimes funny comments and/or sent me an email or an IM! I really do appreciate it! It means so much to me… it gives me that everybody’s-rootin’-for-ya feeling all over again! Thanks so much!!

[Wasn’t I a little queen back then? Yeah, I was a little full of myself in high school. Just a little! I tried to write it in the way I thought back then and I think I hit it probably good. After all, it wasn’t all that long ago – about three years – and it was one of the more memorable events from high school.]

A Poem

2007-01-11T19:47:00.000-06:00

Ok, this is not like me at all. I love to write things but never have I actually enjoyed or felt like writing a poem. It was always forced on me in grade school and I always hated it! But last night it struck, so here’s the poem I wrote. Maybe this is a new breakthrough in my life! I’ll be a poet… or not. Probably not!

I’m not sure where it came from. My fingers just started typing and this is what they pecked out. So before I start rambling on about something else, here it is. Hope you enjoy it and can make some sense of it!

If Only I Had Known

It starts young,
yes that delicate age.
I didn’t know,
I couldn’t comprehend.

It comes standard within us,
we’re born with it.
It shows its face
and never fully disappears.

It’s an ugly face too,
a face no one dreams.
It sneaks up on me,
I never hear it coming.

Attacking me
but I don’t feel a thing.
Not right away at least
can I sense it.

It tears me apart.
It tears at you too.
It’s only when I look down
do I see the wounds.

They burn
and they sting.
Nothing takes it’s away,
the cuts are too deep.

It seemed so natural.
It came without thought.
Harmless, I said
but now not so much.

So here we are,
broken and dislodged.
Look what it did,
I should have known.

But there’s no turning back,
the damage is done.
Natural it may have seemed,
I did this to myself.

Yes, those cuts,
I made them.
The bruises,
I put them there.

No bandage will
stop the bleeding,
no cloth will
cover the bruises.

I can’t fix it,
no, not by myself.
But I did this to you too,
I made you bleed as well.

So will you forgive me?
Yes that’s what you can do.
And I’ll promise,
I promise never again.

Forgiveness and time.
Yes, that should work.
And a “I promise never”
but only if it’s true.

Ah that’s the cure!
For the cuts to heal,
the bruises to fade.
It just takes time.

But the skin’s still tender,
the scars will always be there.
Because it never goes away,
just leaves for awhile.

But when it comes back,
oh I’ll be ready.
No more playing with fire,
I don’t do that any longer.

I’ve seen it now.
Yes, I looked it in the eyes.
But no more,
I won’t fall for it again.

But this wouldn’t have taken place.
No, it never would have happened.
The pain I put you through,
the pain I felt too

If only I had known before.
Yes, if I had only known
how much it would hurt,
and the scars it would leave.

Need Some Help

2007-01-11T01:02:00.000-06:00

I was playing around with the way my posts are formatted - mainly wanting to change "labels" to "signs" to better fit my new road theme - and screwed something up. I should have known not to mess with it... if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

I changed that with no problem but now the damn thing's moved the comments link and the labels/signs thing over to the left. I want them back on the right! I can't seem to get them back over to there either. The editor won't allow it to be moved there... it just pulls everything to the left. And I haven't found any way to reset it back to default. Anyone know how to fix this? I know it's minor but little things like this bug the shit out of me.

[Edit: You know... I've decided it's not that bad the way it is now. I guess it was just late and I let those little things piss me off. It doesn't matter now. But Ryan - thanks for offering up your bf for help! - SlyD]

Katrina, My Dear Bitch

2007-01-09T01:49:00.000-06:00

It was my first semester in college… not far into it. I was still clueless too. But that bitch we call Katrina attacked not only the lower parts of Louisiana but also Alabama.

Being in the northern part of the state, we never saw much from that dear bitch except for maybe a few showers (Rita would nick us and lay a few trees over, nothing even comparable to the southern parts though). The damages and losses from these two hurricanes – especially Katrina – were horrible. Not to brush that off as nothing but that’s not what I want to talk about now.

The north was suddenly crowded by evacuees. I remember sitting in the turning lane on Berts to go to Walmart for probably five minutes as a solid and constant line of cars flowed by. Whoever the hell decided a turn signal wasn’t needed at that red light should be fired! But despite the added hassle of more – a lot more – traffic, I never got upset about it. Put yourself in their shoes. I would be running away too if I had lived down there.

But the most memorable and inspiring moment was yet to come. The college I attend had opened its gymnasium up as a shelter for evacuees. My psychology professor – I loved her – decided to cancel class one day for everyone to go to the gym to help out in whatever way they could – bringing in food, talking to someone, playing with the kids, anything. We weren’t really required to go… it was completely optional and it wouldn’t affect our grade if we didn’t show. But I went, most of the class went. After our professor gave us a short briefing and had us check in, she left us to do as we pleased. At first, I didn’t know what to do. People, kids, adults were running around everywhere. I followed some of the guys in my class around to a truck unloading supplies, but they told us we couldn’t help (?). So I wandered around outside looking for some way I could help. I didn’t want to go inside. I had heard about it. I didn’t want to see that.

Finally, I found myself back at the front of the gym where several kids were playing. I watched them for a while and noticed this one kid in particular seemed sort of down, not playing much with the other kids. Opportunity! So I decided I would talk to him. I don’t remember his name… can’t believe I don’t remember his name. But, this kid was awesome! The strength, courage and maturity he had at his young age – probably 9 or 10... he told me but I don't remember that either – was amazing! I talked with him for about an hour. He told me where he had lived in New Orleans. That their house was probably destroyed. That he hadn’t heard from his dad in several days and had no clue where he was or if he was even alive. As we talked, he started crying a little at one point… and so did I. I wanted to tell him with certainty that everything would be ok, their house was fine, his dad was alright. I wanted to somehow take away the pain this kid was feeling. No one should have to feel that way, much less a kid this young. But no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t. I was almost at a loss of words. I just patted him on the back and told him everything would work out in the end.

After we talked about the hurricane and both of us stopped crying, I tried to get his mind onto other things. Can you imagine sitting around all day with nothing to do except for wondering if you had a house to go back to and if your father was alive? We talked about his hobbies and interests and ended up throwing a basketball around a few times. But soon, I had to go. I could tell the guy who rode with me to college – also in my psyc class – was getting ready to leave as this class was our last class of the day and we had been there longer than we normally would for a regular class.

Before I left though, this kid wanted to go inside to get a bottle of water. He wanted me to go with him. No! I don’t want to go in there! But, I followed him into the hall just inside the doorway. And as he turned to go into the actual gym where everyone was at, I hesitated. He looked back and waved me on. I couldn’t just stand there. I couldn’t just abandon him. So slowly I walked to the doorway that opened into the gym. Oh my God! It was so sad! People – tons of people – lying on mats on the gym floor. People just wandering around scared, confused. I stood there in a daze for a few seconds then I heard him calling me. I walked over to him as he grabbed a bottle of water out of a cooler. I bent down beside him (he was pretty short for his age) and told him I had to leave now. I could tell he didn’t want me to leave… I really didn’t want to leave (though I did want to go back outside) and I regret not staying longer. But, I hugged him and told him to stay strong and that I would be praying for him and his family and that I would try to come back to see him again. I never did… I had the chance to, several chances… but never did. I kick myself for not going back.

That kid showed me several things. He showed me what strength and courage really is. He showed me how to stay strong even when everything else has fallen apart. He showed that I shouldn’t complain about my petty little problems so much… they’re nothing. Not once did he complain about anything while I was there. And look at what he was going through. My problems couldn’t even begin to compare.

Many times since then, I’ve wondered what happened to him. I saw him and some of the other kids I talked to on the news the next day when one of the local stations did a report about the evacuees staying at the college. But, I wonder where he is now. If he still had a house. And most importantly, if he ever heard from his dad. I hope and pray everything really did work out for him in the end.

With A New Semester

2007-01-07T14:10:00.000-06:00

…comes new things and new people. And late New Year’s Resolutions!

This semester my classes have fallen just so perfectly that I have no classes on Friday and my MW classes don’t start until noon. So since I’ll have the entire morning to do whatever on Mondays and Wednesdays, I hereby declare (makes me feel special to say that!) my late New Year’s Resolution to be to go to the local track in the morning each Monday and Wednesday and maybe Friday and do a little walking/jogging/running (weather permitting). I’m bad out of shape. Not obese mind you. Just out of shape. At almost 5’11” and weighing around 140, I’m probably underweight. My goal is to be able to climb the four flights of stairs to my math class this semester without walking into class huffing and puffing out of breathe like I did last semester with my history class (but remember who was in my history class? It made the climb well worth it!).

I’ve got to stop being so damn shy too! That’s another NYR. I’m going to actually have to talk to the people who sit by me in my classes!! Be the first to speak! I usually wait for them to talk to me and sometimes we both just sit there like dumbasses in complete silence since we’re both afraid to speak! It has to stop!! I’m breaking through my shell! I’m done with it! They won’t be able to shut me up!!

And this semester, I will finally try to get a little more involved in stuff around campus. There are a few organizations I’ve been eyeing for a while but never took the step to go check them out. Specifically, I’ll definitely be going to the Gay-Straight Alliance meetings. My brother graduated in December, so I don’t have to worry anymore about him seeing me going to the meetings. I’ve talked with the advisor for the group through email and she’s really great. I just never went to any of the meetings… even after I told her I would (oops!).

But most importantly, I MAY BE GOING TO GERMANY THIS SUMMER!!!!! The college has a two-week study abroad program that goes to Germany every summer. And I may be going!! I’m SO excited!!! I’m trying to talk one of my friends into going with me if I do go so we could go to some other places in Europe after the program ends (cause I’m not going to do that by myself – this little country boy would get so lost and no one would ever find him). Once the semester starts, I’m heading straight to the guy who’s over the program to talk to him about it. I really hope I can go!! That would be so amazing!!! I’ve always wanted to go to Europe and never thought it could possibly happen this early in my life!!! Can you tell I’m excited?? Euro boys are cute!!

I never thought I would say this, but I’m actually ready for the spring semester to start. All this alone time really is driving me insane! Still have a week though. Bring it on! I’m ready for ya!!

[ I’m really hyper today as you can probably tell… and Lewis, no you really didn’t corrupt me any. I was already corrupt! =) ]

Coming Out To Myself

2007-01-05T22:44:00.000-06:00

It all happened on or about the night of August 11th/early morning of the 12th in 2006. And what happened is a little fuzzy as well. Nonetheless, here’s what I can remember of it.

I was on the computer in my room late at night. Everyone else was in the bed and probably asleep. I looked up some porn and drooled over the hot guys for a while. But porn always makes me depressed, so it wasn’t an all night event. After finishing up, I popped the earphones on to listen to some music while I played Royal Coalition (solitaire card game). Royal Coalition has always been my thinking game, and that night I would definitely be doing some thinking.

With the depression from the porn still fresh in my mind, the worst song possible was next on my playlist – Blue October’s “Hate Me.” I’ve always liked the song, but it’s just so solemn and depressing. Regardless, I listened to it several times and suddenly… it hit. Crashing down on me like a boulder. My emotions started going crazy! Fear. Anger. Happiness. Rage. Joy. Anxiety. Confusion. I almost started crying at one point. What’s happening to me? What’s going on? Why can’t I make it stop?

Somewhere amidst the mixed bag of emotions, I told myself I was gay. I finally admitted it to myself. And suddenly – even among fluctuating emotions – I felt free, like a huge burden had been yanked off my shoulders. It was an amazing feeling!

Why me being gay even surfaced during this wild display of emotions, I don’t exactly know. I don’t think it was the porn, though that could have played a part in it. I seem to remember reading some article online earlier in the day about gays but brushing it off because I was still in denial. Seems like it was something about gay rights. I took the stance that gays didn’t deserve any rights, odd considering I was gay and even knew it at this point. Remember though, I was in denial.

I think that was what ultimately did it for me. What ultimately led to my emotional breakdown and my coming out. As I listened to the words of the song, I thought about how some people might hate me if I was gay. Then it dawned me – I am gay and I’m hating myself here! Just earlier in the day I had said gays don’t need any rights – I don’t need any rights! I was discriminating against myself and others like me! I had been programmed – brainwashed – all my life to think that being gay is wrong. I finally figure out how to break the code and think for myself. I finally realized I was gay and there was absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Almost overwhelmed and in tears, I think I got into bed around 2 or 3 am that night. I didn’t sleep good that night either – or for several weeks to come. My mind was racing with this new perspective of life and the world that I had gained on that quiet night in the middle of August. The night that changed my life for the better from that point on. The night I finally came out to myself.

A Change Of Plans

2007-01-04T22:29:00.001-06:00

My original plan to come out to my parents first is getting scrapped. I’m going to go out on a limb and hope I can trust my friends to keep their mouths shut. I just emailed one of my friends to set up a time for us to go out and eat next week. Have a girls’ + one gay’s night out before the spring semester starts!

I just read John’s most recent post over at Open A Window. His first coming out to his cousin inspired me to change my plans. Besides, I’m getting nowhere with coming out to my parents. I’ve got to face reality – it’s not going to happen now, I’m just not ready. So, I think I’ll try for a little practice before I dive in head first without knowing how deep the water is. I’ve got to tell my friends eventually anyway. The best part is I honestly don’t think my friends will care. Hell, they probably already know! They’ve been around me long enough and I’ve opened up enough around them that they’ve probably figured it out by now.

I’ve always heard that the more you come out to people the easier it gets. Maybe I just need some experience before I tell my parents. I was trying to take on something bigger than I could handle by coming out to my parents first. I’ve got to take it slower. Crawl before I walk. Walk before I run. And not try to jump into the deep end before learning how to swim.

On another note, be on the lookout for some new pictures around here, maybe even including a few of the mysterious SlyD himself! Also some time tomorrow I’ll probably try to post something I wrote (as in on paper) early this morning around 3 under the light of only my cell phone while I was lying in bed. I would scan the actual pages and post them, but they’re really sloppy with a lot of stuff marked out and written in. Maybe some other time!

Cold Weather

2007-01-03T23:13:00.000-06:00

What is it about cold weather that’s so relaxing?

The crackling wood fire? The steaming cups of hot chocolate? The snuggling under the covers?

Ever since I’ve been young, I’ve loved cold weather. The colder, the better! But living in Louisiana, it never gets extremely cold. That’s probably a good thing though considering the one or two times a year the roads ice over people here freak out! Nobody seems to have the common sense to slow down and take it easy when it’s icy. We can all dodge the standing water on our pot hole-ridden roads, but ice confuses the hell out of us! Damn it’s all over the road – what do we do? Floor it!!

Enough with crazy Louisiana drivers (I include myself in that too!), I was a child fascinated by the cold. “Wow! It’s not hot out here!” Ok I wasn’t that stupid, but I always wanted to play out in the cold (I would love to say the snow but in my lifetime, it’s snowed maybe three times). My mom, of course, didn’t want me to go out and play. I remember one Christmas when I was maybe five or six I ran outside in 20-something degree weather in only my tighty-whiteys to see the icicles that had formed on the roof of our house! Who cared what Santa brought me, I wanted to see some icicles!! And when I was about nine, I had the chicken pox. I was out of school for a few days and my mom almost had to tie me up inside just to keep me from running out the door to play in the cold! I only itched a little bit – no reason to stop playing!!

Nowadays, I’m more content with staying inside around the heater and using my handy-dandy remote vehicle starter to warm up my car on those cold mornings to minimize my time out in the freezing air. I still enjoy a little frolicking out in the cold from time to time though.

But as I sit here and finish typing this, the fire is slowing dying down, the cup of hot chocolate is now cold, and there’s no one here to snuggle with tonight under the covers. Nothing new. Nothing new.

At least I’m relaxed… right?

New Years And A New Computer

2007-01-02T22:19:00.000-06:00

I haven’t really been in a writing mood lately. I’ve wanted to post something earlier but my fingers just couldn’t peck out anything that made any sense (including the mess of the 2006 reflection). I’m feeling better now though! =)

For New Years, I went with tradition. Every year since I can remember, everyone in my family would attend the New Years Celebration at our church. Basically, everyone eats then the kids go outside to shoot fireworks all night and the adults stay inside and play cards or other games. I love to play card games! I was raised on card games! Battle, Crazy Eights, Skip-Bo, Bullshit, 3-13, Rook! I play ‘em all and love every minute! Spoons was the name of the game that night! Nobody seems to be able to get enough of that game, myself included! The second I walked in the building that night about ten people were surrounding me asking if I brought enough cards for Spoons! In total, we probably played close to twenty times before midnight. We also played Chickfoot! Long, long game! But with the right people – and we had the right people – every second of it can be fun. Everybody was rolling the entire time! It was great!

Overall, New Years was a ton of fun!!

-- -- -- -- --

And finally, I’m thinking about getting a ~~laptop~~ notebook computer. My desktop’s old and just able to kick the bucket. Plus, I need something that I can bring with me whenever I need to (and I’ve always wanted one too). I’m looking at this one. It’s kind of pricey but I don’t want to dump a lot of money on something that will get bogged down easily. Plus, the others I’ve looked at aren’t much cheaper and have a slower processor/less memory/smaller screen. So buck for buck, this seems like the best deal.

Reflections: 2006 – Figuring Out The Mayhem

2007-01-02T20:17:00.000-06:00

NOTE: The following post contains a lot of rambling and reminiscing. You have been warned!

Two thousand and six – I entered it expecting it to be the typical year consisting of college, college and a bit more college. Boring. Mundane. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I have to be honest with you – I don’t remember much about the first part of ’06. It all just blurs together into two big sets – MWF and TR. Drive to class. Sit in class. Drive home. Eat. Sleep. Rewind, repeat. Nothing really exciting happened in the first part of the year. And that’s how I expected the rest of the year to play out as well. Not so.

The only thing I really remember from the first part of the year was my sociology class. I was in it with two girls I had gotten to know really well my first semester in college and had several classes with in the spring. The class started out great – great professor, simple notes, easy tests. Then, the professor’s husband lost his job and she had to quit to get a better paying full-time job. For about a week, we didn’t actually have a professor for the class. Random professors came in to fill in while the university searched for a new professor. Well, I think they just picked the first guy off the street who would actually agree to “teach” a class of college students entry-level, general requirement sociology. He was an ass! Mean, rude, confusing! No one’s opinion was right if it didn’t fall in line with his. He incited arguments in class almost every time we met and would then start cussing at everyone when he got pissed off because everyone was proving him wrong. And when people would start leaving class because of all this, he would explode and eventually just tell everyone to leave. The two girls and I hated him! We had some fun times talking shit about him before and after class though! Come the end of the semester and the professor evaluations came out, he tried to be all nice, but it was too late. I know the three of us and several others gave him terrible reviews. I haven’t seen him around campus since.

Oh yeah, I did get my truck stuck at my old high school in February after N talked me into going to the their last home basketball game of the year. Embarrassing! I had to basically park in a ditch because the school’s tiny parking lot was full. The dew fell during the game and all my truck wanted to do was spin the tires! I wanted to just crawl under the seat and hide!

Also, in February – the same day I got my truck stuck in fact – my grandmother fell and broke her hip. My dad and I had to carry her out to the car in a chair then my mom drove her to the local hospital. That was the last time she ever saw her house. She was in the hospital for about a week then moved to a rehab center not far from where we lived. She had Alzheimer's and never recovered from the broken hip. She was confined to a wheelchair. She had been living at home upon until she fell. The Alzheimer's wasn’t bad enough to require someone to stay with her or for her to go into the nursing home. But now that she was in a wheelchair and the Alzheimer's was rapidly worsening, there was no way she could go home. My mom couldn’t quit her job to care for her and her son… well, he didn’t do much of anything for her. It’s sad. So, my mom had to put her in the nursing home.

You’re probably wondering why I still went to the game even after that happened. Even though I insisted that I could go with my mom and grandmother to the hospital, my mom told me to go to the game – there was nothing I could really do that I hadn’t already done. So after much thinking, I went to the game, knowing my grandmother wouldn’t want me to not go just because of her. That day just was not a good day.

I ended the spring ’06 semester with three A’s and two B’s (Chemistry and English). Pretty good but I could have done better had I put more effort into it. I had planned to take classes in the summer, but the day payments were due I dropped all my classes. I needed some time off.

And I got my time off. I did nothing all summer long. Looking back, I kick myself for not doing something, anything. I think I gained about ten pounds that summer (come fall, I would drop those pounds plus about ten more to get to a weight I haven’t seen since early junior high).

Though early in the summer, my dad and I did install headers and dual exhaust on my truck. I lost a bit of my hearing then too. Word of advice: don’t sit in a truck with a V8 with open headers and rev the engine up to a steady rpm! It’s loud, really loud! And it will hurt your ears… permanently. And as usual, nothing went on easy. We had to cut some of the pipes in the just-bolt-it-up-and-you’re-done kit to make them fit. It sounds great now though… it should for all the shit we went through to get them (FedEx sucks) and put them on!

I took a few trips in the summer as well. My parents and I took a short trip to Hot Springs, Arkansas. It’s a nice little town but kind of strange in a way. I’d like to go back some time with some friends to check out some of the shops downtown. Then, my dad, his parents, my aunt, and one of my cousins (and me of course) went to Branson, Missouri for almost a week. That was one screwed up trip! We ended up staying in a trailer house at one of the resorts along one of the lakes there (can’t remember the name) because we found out that if you wait till the last minute to find a cabin big enough for six people, you won’t find one! It was nice… a little weird staying in a trailer though. This wasn’t my first time to visit Branson. I had been twice before this trip but never actually spent much time in town. I’ve always said it’s an old peoples’ or a family with little kids’ town. We visited Silver Dollar City and Celebration City (both great, Powder Keg and Wildcat kick ass!), went to the veteran’s museum (great and very interesting) and the much-hyped Titanic museum (crowded and boring), rode the scenic railroad (boring), and of course sat in traffic along the famous “Branson Strip” (whoopee!). The real highlight of the whole trip was spending time with my grandparents and playing ROOK (!!!!) with them.

As my summer slowed and the fall ’06 semester was looming in the horizon, two things happened that have changed my life - I finally admitted to myself that I’m gay and I started this blog! You can read more about all of that here.

In the middle of October, my grandmother died. She had been wanting to die since she was put in rehab. She would tell everyone who visited her that she just wanted to die. It had gotten so bad that I couldn’t stand to even visit her. It was just too hard to hear her saying she wanted to die and asking me if I thought she should go ahead and die. Eventually, she was put on anti-depressants and the death wishing stopped. She had also said she wanted to die before she got to the point that her sister got to. Her sister had Alzheimer's as well and got very far into it before she ultimately died from breast cancer that had resurfaced after years of being dormant. She was to the stage where she was completely dependant on someone else and didn’t recognize anyone and only dabbled. My grandmother didn’t want to get that bad. And she never did. She died still in the early stages. She could still talk and make sense most of the time, and she could still realize us. She would always get the biggest smile on her face when I walked into her room at the nursing home. My mom, who stopped by to feed her everyday, said that when I was there my grandmother’s mood was totally different – she smiled constantly and laughed more than she normally did. I regret not visiting her more often, but I can’t go back and change anything now. While I’m not happy that she died, I’m glad she never had to suffer through the later stages of Alzheimer's.

In November, I got a new car – a 2006 Pontiac Grand Prix. My old car, a Ford Focus, had been giving me some trouble with cranking, the a/c, and the CD player. Plus, the car was just built like crap. It was fun to drive, but I had serious doubts about how long it would keep running, at least all in one piece.

As for college, I had one of the most fun classes I’ve taken yet. It was a business law class and the professor was just awesome. I loved her! She knew her stuff and always had the class laughing. That was one class I wished would never end! I also changed my major from physics to marketing. During the semester, I came close to attending one of the meetings for the gay-straight alliance on campus. I should have gone, but I will this coming semester. I hear they’ve got a great group.

I closed out the fall ’06 semester with four A’s and one B. It would have been all A’s, but I couldn’t concentrate enough to study for my history final. It’s still good though.

At the end of 2006, I decided I would finally take that big step and come out to my parents, and while it didn’t actually happen in 2006, the fuse was lit. I’m still waiting for the bang.

This past year has been kind of strange. As I’m sitting here typing this, I’m not really sure what to say about 2006. It wasn’t a great year, but it wasn’t an absolutely horrible year either. I guess it was just an average year. Maybe 2007 will be a little more exciting… in a good way! =)

I want to thank everyone whose visited this site over the past few months! I especially want to thank everyone who left such great comments and sent me an email or two! You are all great and I hope you all have a great 2007!!

An Update

2006-12-30T17:23:00.000-06:00

I know the sudden dry spell may have some worried that things didn’t go well with my parents. But don’t worry. Nothing’s happened! Absolutely nothing. I still haven’t told them.

This is harder to do than I thought it would be! Plus, my motivation has done nothing but decrease as the days roll by. Had things panned out on Tuesday as I had hoped they would, I wouldn’t still be sitting in this crumby closet.

What makes coming out even harder is that my family doesn’t talk about sex at all. Never. It’s just a topic that isn’t discussed. I don’t know why. I guess they have some view that sex is such a dirty thing that it shouldn’t be talked about. I mean, we can talk shit around the dinner table but can’t talk about sex at anytime! It doesn’t make any sense and only adds up to a very uncomfortable situation for me.

Hopefully, the right moment will come soon though. But I’m having second thoughts about the timing. Should I see if I could get my own apartment before coming out? Because there are two situations I could see happening after coming out to my parents: 1) they don’t care what I do anymore and would be glad for me get my own apartment just so they don’t have to hear me talk about being gay. 2) they would want to have their eyes on me at all times and the chance of getting an apartment becomes zero. I wish situation #1 would happen in a way. I would LOVE to have my own apartment and get out of my parents’ house (and away from their prying eyes). Plus, I might start to develop one of those things I’ve heard called a social life (?!).

It’ll all work out in the end… whenever that may be.

-- -- -- -- --

I hope everyone has had a great 2006! Have a safe and happy New Years! Here’s to a kickass 2007!! =)

Boredom

2006-12-28T23:12:00.000-06:00

So, I was cruising the Blogthings site since I was really bored. I love finding out things about myself like what kind of a donut I am and what my bathroom habits say about me! But I came upon these and just had to post the results.

First, this. I just thought it was kind of interesting (notice these don't add up to 100%).

Your Linguistic Profile:

55% General American English

25% Dixie

5% Midwestern

5% Upper Midwestern

5% Yankee

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Then, there’s this. This is so me! I was speechless after I read it. And to think I almost picked a different one!

Your Personality Profile

You are dreamy, peaceful, and young at heart.
Optimistic and caring, you tend to see the best in people.
You tend to be always smiling - and making others smile.

You are shy and intelligent... and a very hard worker.
You're also funny, but many people don't see your funny side.
Your subtle dry humor leaves your close friends in stitches.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

And finally, the 2007 car I should be driving.

You Should Drive a Jaguar XK 4.2

You don't care how you get there as long as you get there with class.
And having a little power doesn't hurt either!

What 2007 Car Should You Drive?

But of course, I’d rather have this little beauty! Oh yeah! =)

Another Drive

2006-12-28T16:53:00.000-06:00

I finally went to get a haircut today. I’ve needed for one for the last two weeks, but my ass was just too lazy to go get one. It had gotten all shaggy and curly and out of control! It was like a big wave started at the back of my head and rolled down to the front where it crashed into my bangs! Yeah, it was that bad!!

After I got through chatting and gossiping with the beautician – oh and she finished cutting my hair too – I ran a few errands for my mom in town then headed back out into the country, or should I say deeper into the country (aka to our house). I turned the normally 15 minute drive home into an hour long drive through winding back roads I hadn’t been on in years. And all of the roads were empty! I met maybe five other cars and I never got behind anyone. It was great! I don’t ever remember these roads being as fun as they are now! I love to drive twisty little roads like these… as long as there's not many people on them and the cops aren’t out! Forget taking that curve at 45mph, crank it up to 70!! =) It was a lot of fun!! Especially when one of the wheels started spinning when I floored it exiting a curve! Oops! I need to calm myself down…

All that seat time in my car alone gave me time to think (talk to myself out loud). Yeah, I’m a nut! But I started thinking about – what else – coming out. Do my parents know I’m planning on doing this? Cause it’s mighty strange that for the last few days they’ve been gone almost all day long. They’re gone right now! Normally, they stay around the house most of the day when they’ve off from work. And when they are home, they’re always busying themselves with something or making plans for something that would probably stop my plans (like the movie last night, not that I didn’t enjoy it). Maybe they’re reading this (hope not!!). They’ve seen the title of this blog on the tabs in Firefox whenever they would come into my room and stare at the computer screen (not me) until they finish telling me what they came to tell me (hate when someone talks to me but doesn’t bother to ever even look at me – and this is worse since they’re basically snooping). Of course, a simple Google search doesn’t show this blog. But if you (mom and dad) are reading this, just tell me! It would make things so much easier.

Till later everyone! Have fun and don’t drive too fast (yeah I’m a hypocrite)!

Oops!

2006-12-28T01:23:00.000-06:00

I just noticed the email address on the right sidebar was wrong. It's iamslyd@yahoo.com, not iamsly@yahoo.com. If you sent me anything using that address and wondered why I never replied, please resend it using the correct address. Sorry about the screw up!

And thanks to everyone who has emailed me! You are all great!

Caught Up In The Moment

2006-12-27T23:41:00.000-06:00

I was so caught up in all this coming out mess that I forgot to tell you how my Christmas was! Maybe it was because of how uneventful it was?

But uneventful doesn’t always means boring.

For Christmas, my family went to my dad’s parents’ house for dinner, their entire family was supposed to be there. The food was great as always, and seeing all of my uncles and aunts and most of my cousins was fun (they’re all crazy!).

After eating, one of my cousins, J, wanted to see my new car. So we both headed out in the cold rain down to my grandparents’ old store building where I had parked my car. He looked at my car then we stood under the awning of the store building talking for five minutes with the rain still blowing in on us. Being my normal dumbass self, I forgot that I had the keys to it on my key ring (we used to “live” in the store building so I could go to school in a different parish). Unlock the door and we ended up talking for about an hour.

Now, J is one year younger than me. He’s a senior in high school this year, plus he has a two year old girl. He hasn’t had the best life either. His family’s been broken for almost his entire life, his dad has divorced and married probably four times since J was born. He’s never really had anyone supportive in his life, not many people actually took the time to sit and listen to him. In high school, he would always come to me to talk about problems in his life and what he should do about them. I would help him with what I could and regret not trying to help him even more. But it had been over two years since we had a serious talk, so we had a lot of catching up to do.

Anyway after talking, we played a few PS2 games over at his house. I kicked ass at almost everything we played! Then he showed me the correct way to play ping pong (I always suck at that game). He beat me 3 out of 4 games! He was hesitant to take me on in foosball though! He knows I’m the master of foosball and I proved – after almost three years – that I still am the master! =)

It was really fun hanging out with J on Christmas! He’s always seemed like my little brother I always wanted but never had, and he treats me like I’m his older brother (his older brother died when we were young from that death wish of a game called Russian Roulette – kids, don’t play with your life like that!).

-- -- -- -- --

As for the ongoing saga of coming out to my parents, it didn’t happen today either. Today was just too great of a day to do it. For the first time in years, my family made plans for all of us – mom, dad, my older brother, and me – to watch a movie at home on my parents’ new DVD player/home theatre system. I didn’t want to disrupt this rare moment to be with my family.

The movie was Cars. None of us had ever seen it. It was great! What is it about those computer animated movies that make them so freaking awesome? But this movie almost made me CRY!! Yes, Cars almost made me cry!!! CARS!!!! Damn, I’ve gotten so emotional lately!

I mean, CARS!!

Maybe Tomorrow

2006-12-26T20:38:00.000-06:00

It didn’t happen today. The right moment never came. My parents were together for all of about two minutes except for supper (not the right time/place). I’ll have to give it another try tomorrow.

Nonetheless, I felt the fear. I was nervous the entire morning, almost shaking I was so nervous. My stomach seemed to be twisted into several knots. I couldn’t eat anything. Then, for those two minutes my mom and dad were together in the house, I was almost speechless with fear and anxiety. I started questioning whether or not I would be able to do this after all. I can do and I must do it though.

Second Thoughts

2006-12-26T00:11:00.000-06:00

Ok, I’m starting to have second thoughts!! I’ve tried to keep myself busy all of today so I won’t have time to talk myself out of it. My mind has been running crazy though going through different scenarios of what could happen when I tell them. The later in the day it got, the more nervous and scared I got. But what was so strange were the occasional moments of calmness that would overtake me. They would only last a short while, but during them, I seemed to have the courage to tell them at that very minute. But the timing never was right.

So, the clock just rolled over 12:00 here. That means today’s the day!!

I think I can! I think I can! I think I can!
By the way, I hope everyone had a great Christmas!

Two Days

2006-12-24T18:16:00.000-06:00

I have two days to prepare myself to come out to my parents. I’ve set the date for the 26th of this month.

After my post late last night, I stayed up till after 3 typing the letter I will use. So far, it’s a little over two and a half pages long and still growing. It’s a very detailed account of growing up knowing I was gay and how that has affected me. It’s a powerful and personal letter. I can post an unpersonalized version of it if anyone would like to see it when I finish.

As for the plan, it will all go down on Tuesday if things go well. At some point during the day when both my mom and dad are together and in fairly good spirits, I will tell them face-to-face. I’ll talk with them and answer any questions they have. Then after they get through grilling me, I’ll tell them I’m leaving for a few hours so they can let it all sink in. As I’m leaving, I’ll give them the letter. However if things get a little shaky after I tell them, I’ll give them the letter, leave without saying when I’ll be back or where I’m going, and wait for a call from my mom (cause I would get one). I don’t think I’ll have to do that though. I hope not at least.

I can’t believe I’m finally going to do this!! I’m so excited but so nervous all at the same time! I can’t wait till Tuesday so I can get this over with, though I know it won’t be a simple process that can take place within the span of day. But, I’ll be out and just that alone will be great no matter what their reaction is! I can’t wait!!

I’ll try to post something Tuesday about how it went. Till then, merry Christmas!!

Christmas In A Crumbling Closet

2006-12-24T00:45:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to wish everyone an incredible wonderful Christmas! I hope you have a great time this holiday season and cherish the time you spend with your family and friends. Merry Christmas!!

Things have been kind of hectic lately with all the typical Christmas stresses and helping move my aunt to her new house. But, I’ve decided to give myself an amazing, late Christmas gift. Next week. After Christmas.

The door is coming down.

I’ve read a lot of stuff on it lately and found this immensely helpful blog. I’m making plans now and like the idea of telling my parents, giving them a letter and leaving for a while to let it sink in. That sounds like the best route to take. Where to go though? Aunt/uncle’s house? A friend’s house? Our old empty house? Just ride around for a few hours and maybe get lost?

But I’ve noticed I seem to be out of sequence on the normal “coming out timeline.” Is it common for a guy to come out to his parents before anyone else? I’ve never come out to anyone, not even my closest friends. It just feels right to time my parents first. I’ve always been really close to my parents and I feel that 1) they have a right to know, 2) they should be the first to know, 3) they should hear it directly from my mouth and no one else’s before hand. If I don’t tell them first, word will get back to them quickly. Nothing stays a secret for long in a small town after you tell anyone even if you tell only one person. And I don’t want them coming me to saying they heard from so-and-so that I’m gay. That’s not how I want this to go down. It may not go well, but damn it, I want to control when, where and how my little secret is exposed to the most important people in my life.

And is it strange to come out before even having an encounter with any guy? What if I tell them and then realize I’m not even gay after doing something with another guy? I’m pretty sure I’m gay though. I’ve never felt anything for a girl except for the friendship, brother-sister type thing. Nothing sexual at all there. Bobs, butt, beaver – just does nothing for me. But, I’ve had strong, almost uncontrollable urges to have sex with a guy, to kiss him, to hold his hand, to fall in love with him. I can spring a hard-on with no problem by just thinking about a few guys I’ve seen maybe once. All of my crushes in life from been on guys. All of my fantasies involve guys. I don’t see how I could end up being straight after having all of these feelings and emotions.

With all that said, I know you all are out enjoying Christmas, but if you have any advice and any time to post it or email me, please do. Anything and everything is welcomed and appreciated!

Once again, I wish everyone a very merry Christmas!! =)

Computer Problems

2006-12-22T00:11:00.000-06:00

Something happened to my computer today but it only affected Firefox (virus?). I turned the computer off without shutting it down correctly, and after it booted back up, all of my settings and bookmarks from the last month or so were gone. I had some important stuff bookmarked too. I don’t understand why it happened – I didn’t even have Firefox running when I turned the computer off. I tried doing a system restore, but it did nothing. I’m downloading an update for my anti-virus software right now. =(

To add on to that, my internet connection has been painfully slow today! I’m just about to the point of punching the screen!

Check This Out

2006-12-20T00:31:00.000-06:00

Wow. That's surprising! Not too sure that's entirely me though. I am a sucker for fantasy, but I don't think I'm selfish or greedy. Am I?

Will You Still Love Me?

2006-12-19T23:30:00.000-06:00

Hmm… today something transpired that made me ask the question: is knocking up an underage chick out of wedlock “morally” better or worse than being gay? I know according to the Bible a sin is a sin no matter what the given action is, and since homosexuality is widely believed to be a sin (I’m not saying it is but let’s not get into that), both would be equally immoral.

Except that that’s not the case. A chick getting knocked up is nothing out of the ordinary – so common most Christians think almost nothing of it – however homosexuality doesn’t seem to be quite as common and is thus the unpardonable sin with the unquestionable punishment of an eternal vacation to hell.

As for how this came up, my mom received a call from a good friend of our family. This good friend told my mom that her son had gotten a young girl pregnant. Now, my mom has always said that this son of the good friend felt like her own son, like he was part of our family. Well, the son of the good friend said he wasn’t sure if he would be able to face my mom and others after what he had done. My mom responded that she loved me him no wonder what he had done and would continue to love him.

In a way, this comforted me. If she can love someone else’s son no matter what he did, surely she would still love her own son even if he was gay.

After she told me all this, I came so close to saying “so you would still love me too even if you knew I was gay?”. But of course, I didn’t. I’m still not ready and neither are my parents, especially my mom.

Ultimately, my fear in coming out is simply rejection, especially by my parents. My friends, I’m not so worried about. It would weed out the fake friends, and besides, you can always find new friends. You can’t find new parents. I want to believe that they will still love me and still accept me, but there’s always that little bit of doubt and uncertainty in the back of my mind.

Home Alone With Nothing To Do

2006-12-19T18:59:00.001-06:00

I awoke this morning to a quiet, empty house. I love it! It’s rare to have any peace and quiet or any time alone. But, I quickly grew bored after checking out a few of my favorite sites and blogs, watching an episode of My Super Sweet 16 (Why don’t they ever have a gay version? They would definitely have some drama then!), and of course eating. So what did I do?

Go for a drive!

My car needed some gas, so I decided to go fill it up. Exciting, I know! The nearest gas station – hell the only one for a good 10-15 miles – is just up the road from my house, a five minute drive at the most. But I went the long way through all the fun, curvy country back roads! I knew just the one, too. It’s got plenty of curves – big, sweeping high-speed curves all the way down to 15 mph, hairpin curves. And there’s usually not many people on the road either! That is my recipe for some fun!

Needing to test out my car’s handling abilities, this was the perfect road. I didn’t push it too hard, but it did very good for such a large car. I found out I need new brake pads, and a strut tower brace wouldn’t hurt things either. I will probably be back tomorrow to give it another go and I may go down an even curvier road! Anyone wanna take a ride with me?

Oh yeah, I did finally make it to the gas station. Twenty-five dollars to fill it up. Not bad considering it was well under half a tank!

Hope everyone has fun in these days leading up to Christmas! Be sure to scope out some curvy roads to help remove some of that stress and replace it with a smile on your face! =)

And you thought this was going to be a nasty post...

Lonely

2006-12-18T16:50:00.000-06:00

I’ve felt so lonely and disconnected even though I’ve been surrounded by people all day. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe it’s just the holiday blues. It doesn’t feel like Christmas time to me. Plus, I can’t seem to get the thought of the guy on the dating site out of my head. ARGH!!

My mom and I (I’m a mama’s boy) went to town for my eye doctor’s appointment and to do a little shopping for Christmas. We talked and laughed the whole time, but something felt weird, wrong even. Ever since I “properly” accepted my homosexuality, there’s been a void in my relationship with my parents and other people I know. And it only seems to be getting worse as the days pass. It’s led to many awkward moments of silence when I zone out thinking about what they would think if they knew I was gay. I think my problem is that no one I know really knows! (say it fast, it’s more fun that way!)

After my appointment, we went to eat and attempted to go shopping. Christmas time is always the most dangerous time to be on the roads and it only gets worse as that special day approaches. People lose their minds at Christmas time! Buy, buy, buy! Hurry, hurry, hurry! Wrecks littered the roads. People were driving like complete asses. As always, it’s all about getting just one car ahead… even if that endangers everyone else on the road. No one else matters except for me anyway. How dare you drive the speed limit, use your turn signals, practice correct lane change procedures, not run a yellow light just as it’s turning to red, and not talk on your cell phone all while eating a hamburger, sipping a drink, messing with the radio and trying to discipline the bastard kids in the back of your rough and tumble off-road SUV!!!

Yeah, we did manage to slither our way through all the wrecks to go to a few stores but bought nothing. All that hassle for nothing. But, we did go to a music store to see if we could find a DVD on learning the guitar (yes, I’m trying to learn to play an acoustic guitar – so far I can strum all the strings!!). The instant I entered the store, one of the hot guys behind the counter started staring and smiling at me! He watched me the entire time I was in the store. But I was with my mom so I couldn’t really flirt back. Damn it!

By the way, the eye doctor said my eyes were in great shape! He said my eyes had changed very little even though it had been almost four years since I had had them checked. I’m at –2.50. (I love being nearsighted! Fuck seeing stuff off in the distance!) They changed so little he recommended that I not even get new glasses useless I just wanted to. I probably won’t either since I wear contacts most of the time.

Reflections: The High School Years

2006-12-17T01:07:00.000-06:00

Finally having my classes end for the semester, I’ve had a little more time to just think, namely reflect back on my life. I may start a series of these (I went back and changed the Semester of Change post to this) – only time will tell – but today I’ll focus on my high school years. The greatest years of my life so far.

Coming out of my rather traumatic junior high years, high school was a time of rebirth and growth for me. I was at a different school. I was with new people. And I was shy.

But I had some of the greatest classmates anyone could ask for. They welcomed me in like I had been there for years. It was a shock to me that these people actually wanted to get to know me, wanted to be my friend. In junior high, that was anything but the case.

High school saw my popularity grow. Me, popular?! Who would have ever imagined that? Definitely not me! I started out as a nothing freshman, but as time passed, people began to notice me. People began to recognize me. People began to respect me. By my junior year, I had more power around that school than I realized.

It didn’t hurt that I did good on my work and would usually help anyone who didn’t get on my nerves. Not to brag but I graduated with a 4.0 and one of the highest ACT scores that school had ever seen (I had the highest math score from the school). I wasn’t a bookworm though. Hell no. But most of my classmates put me up on a pedestal as a genius and a goodie-goodie. I was neither. I just did all of my work and actually tried. That doesn’t qualify me as a genius. As for the ACT score, it’s a standardized test. If you can figure out the pattern, you can kick ass. But I guess you have to be kind of smart to figure them out. The goodie-goodie reputation was laughable to anyone who truly knew me. I cheated. I helped others cheat. I talked nothing but shit about people. I would cuss you out at the drop of a hat. I had extreme apathy for my school work. I never paid attention in class. Those who didn’t know me never had a clue about the way I was. They only thought I was a quiet nerd. They missed out!

I was really popular with the teachers too. They loved me! I caught on to things very quickly. I did all of my work. I was quiet in class (or so they thought, they just never caught me). I was their dream student. More than one teacher had told me that if they had a class full of mes they’re job would be almost too easy. And I never sucked up to them either. Honestly!

Being a tiny country school, the teachers and students got to know each other very well. We could all joke together and sometimes the teachers would just want to hang out with us during and even after class (we were their favorite class after all). Most of the teachers were very cool and laid back. But boy did they gossip! I saw it first hand too. I was a student worker for one teacher in particular my senior year. Damn! This woman did nothing but gossip about everyone. Teachers and students! I mean, she was all up in everybody’s business! Of special interest to her was everyone’s sex life! She would ask me and another girl who worked for her at the same time if we knew if anyone in our class had been sleeping around! What the fuck? Yeah, I always got the juicy info from N, but that’s really none of my business much less a teacher’s business! She was a sex freak anyway. Every chance she had to make something sexual, she took it. It was just sick at times. I sometimes wondered if she had something going on with some of the guys in the school. She sure was all touchy-feely with me on several occasions.

Clubs were my life in high school. I was in almost every club offered. I was even in an abstinence club! (Stop laughing! I always wondered how a gay person could practice abstinence since we can’t get married or pregnant – not that I ever thought of practicing it anyway.) My big dog clubs were Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) and Family, Career, and Community Leaders of America (FCCLA, formerly FHA – what can a gay boy say?). In both, I came SO close to qualifying for nationals in their respective events but never quite made it. FCCLA was my favorite out of the two and the one I was most active in. I held a local office for three years. I was even president my senior year, beating a very good friend of mine (AP) for the position by one vote. I’ll never forget the day my advisor broke the news to AP and me. We were both in shock. AP had actually talked me out of running for president and just taking vice president (in that case, we both would have gotten our office by default without a vote since no one else was running for them), but our advisor talked me back into running the day of the vote. I even think our advisor was shocked that I won! She didn’t think I was as popular as I was. But the girls loved me! They wanted me. That was my strength. If only they knew…

I met some really great friends in high school and had an awesome class. Most of us genuinely cared about each other. It was like we were a real family. I looked forward to going to school each day because I enjoyed being around my classmates. I loved high school and always hated the idea of graduating. That meant our family would be broken up! But life doesn’t always go along with my ideas and by the end of my senior year, I was ready to get out. Everything seemed to pile up at the end of the year which stressed me out big time. The long-standing tradition of an end-of-the-year FCCLA party, which I, as president, had to organize, didn’t help alleviate any of the stress (oddly this tradition ended after our extremely active class graduated – we kept this thing going each year because we wanted it and had the determination to get it done). So on May 13th, 2005, I walked the stage to receive my diploma. Friday, the 13th. Lucky us!

I never came out during high school. The thought of doing so never actually crossed my mind. I’ll be honest – I was still in denial about it even though in my heart I knew I really was gay. The funniest thing is that I graduated as the top student in my class and one of the most highly respected students – by students and faculty alike – in the entire school. Yes, me, the gay boy! Graduated top in my class from small Hickville High in a bigot-ridden southern dot on the map! When I graduated, everyone knew my name. They knew D. Knew who I was. Knew what I had done. Knew everything except for my dirty little secret. So as I stood on stage during graduation and accepted my diploma, I couldn’t help but smile as I knew the influences this gay boy had had on this redneck school. I couldn’t help but smile as I thought of all the fun times I had had. Of all the friends I had made. Of all the great memories I would keep forever.

I didn’t want to leave, but life moves on and I had to go with it. If I could go back, yes I would do a few things different. I would be little wilder and go out with my friends a little more often. I would probably come out too. It would be interesting to see how popular I would be then. I might be surprised though since a lot of people loved me.

But I wasn’t the only gay person in my class. We had a lesbian who graduated top in our class as well. We had four 4.0ers (out of 27 in the class) – three girls, one guy (that’s me!). Yes, two of us were gay! We were both in the closet, even to each other. Her secret was pretty much out though. Everyone knew even though she constantly denied it. But she had some problems, anger and depression problems. I tried to be her friend (she was actually a very distant relative of mine), but she was just too damn annoying. I couldn’t stand being around her for long since she oozed hate and anger and sucked the fun out of everything. You know Debbie Downer from SNL? That was this girl only with a really bad attitude! She always clung to me too for some reason. Maybe her gaydar worked better than mine and she knew the truth. I tried to avoid her as much as possible, but I felt bad for her at the same time since she clearly had some problems and almost no one liked her. Even though I guess I become “popular,” I still made a note to talk to those who everyone ignored and may not have gained popularity like I had. Most of them seemed happy to have someone from the “in crowd” come and hang with them for a while. Some other people would make comments about me doing that, but I didn’t care. I know what it’s like for them. I’ve been there. It’s not fun to be ignored and mocked.

I had my very own stalker in high school too! I felt so privileged! It all started toward the end of my junior year. My stalker was a girl from a neighboring high school. We had both qualified for the state literary rally and everyone in the whole parish rode together on a bus and stayed at the same hotel for the event. Well, she fell in love with me on the trip! On the way home, she told one of the cool teachers from my school that she had a crush on me and the teacher then told me. It all made sense then! She had strangely hung around me a lot during the trip – following my friend (AG) and me through the mall, asking to see my senior ring (but no one else’s from our school) and wanting to play cards (Rook baby!) with the group from our school even though she didn’t know how to play. Anyway, I didn’t know what to do (is it really a surprise to anyone at this point that I didn’t know what to do?). I thought about talking to her then maybe breaking it off later if she really fell for me. Or maybe being an ass to her and hoping that she was turned off by that (I’m too nice of a guy to do that though). Or just ignoring her and hoping she would go away. Yeah, I went with the last option. It didn’t work! She started coming to all of our school’s home basketball games looking for me (I never went to any of them). She went to most of the extracurricular events I went to (for example, a district Beta meeting). It was kind of creepy. This bitch was determined though as she stalked me all through my senior year. She was probably at my graduation still wanting a piece of me! She probably still gets wet just thinking of me! (Isn’t that what girls do? I’m clueless when it comes to female stuff like that.) Why can’t I meet guys like that now? I should see if I can find her number and call her.

My high school years were awesome! I’m so glad I can look back today and laugh about all the amazing people I met and the great times I had. If only I had gotten laid back then! By a guy of course! Oh yeah! One in particular I would have loved to have had my way with! I did sleep with him on a school trip! =) Nothing happened though. =( But I did wake up the next morning with him all over on my side of the bed. There was another guy I would have loved to have tussled with under the sheets who I had my suspicions about. There was something about the way he looked into my eyes when we would talk. It was like he was trying to seduce me. I should have taken a swing at him to see what would have happened! I may have been surprised by the outcome! Anyway, he always came to me for advice and wanted to have one-on-one talks with me about life stuff. I was a year older than him but I’m not sure why he came to me for that. He was cute though so it didn’t bother me any!

For the longest time after I graduated, I missed high school like crazy. I couldn’t listen to Graduation/Friends Forever by Vitamin C without crying! It still chokes me up a little. But, I’ve moved on now. I realized I have a new adventure ahead of me that just may put the fun of high school to shame! I will never forget the friends I made and the great times I had in high school though. I couldn’t forget them even if I tried!

A Major Change

2006-12-16T19:42:00.001-06:00

I haven’t done anything about the guy on the personals site. Still clueless about what to do, but that’s not what I want to talk about this time around.

I think I may change my major. I’m currently in physics but sickly behind. I’m in my second year and haven’t even taken most of the first year classes. I’ll be in college for another five years if I stay in this and I don’t want to waste my time and money doing that. So I’m thinking about changing to marketing. I’ve taken a lot of business electives, and I’m pretty much where I should be with it. Hell, I might even finish on time if I change to marketing. Plus, the business professors are so much more kick ass than the science professors are.

I’m not going to change my classes just yet. I’ll have to sleep on this for a few days. I made the mistake of not doing that last semester and got locked out of taking a much-needed class when I decided to change my major for all of one night. The classes I’ll need to change into have plenty of seats left, so there’s no big rush on that front.

Today, I planted another seed for getting an apartment near campus. I was talking with my mom about changing my major and the classes I would have to take, one being a night class. I gave her a good talk and I think I may have some hope. It all hinges on my parents giving the okay. Next Monday, my mom and I are going to the eye doctor. See opportunity to check out some apartments. I can’t even express in words how much I would love to move out of my parents’ house. I would turn into the biggest slut. Just kidding, I can’t really see myself doing that. But in high school, I never saw myself going to the college I’m at right now. So…

If I could secure an apartment, I would definitely email that guy. I’ll have to see what happens though.

What To Do

2006-12-15T15:36:00.001-06:00

I don’t know what to do. I’ve found a cute older guy – 13 years older than I am – on a dating site. Age isn’t the problem. I’ve always had a thing for older guys. The problem is I’m scared.

There, I said it. I’m scared.

He seems like a nice, fun guy, and his profile says he’s open to anyone around my age. But, I’m not sure what to do. I want to shoot him an email seeing if he wants to hook up sometime, but what if he says yes? What will I do? I’ve never been on a date with anyone (sad, huh?). Plus, there’s the whole not being out to anyone ordeal, which combined with living with my parents (he would probably be turned off by that anyway – I would if I were him) would make going out with him – if that were to happen – insanely difficult. How would I explain to my parents that I’m going out – the kid that has almost no social life and never just goes out for a night on the town – with an older man and may just spend the night with him? Lies will only last so long before the holes start showing.

I’m scared, because I don’t know what would happen. I don’t know how it would all work out. It’s all an unknown to me. And I don’t like unknowns. But something in my heart is telling me to give it a go. What if this is the man I’m meant to meet and fall in love with? But I wouldn’t know love if it snuck up behind me and tackled me. I'm just so damn confused now.

I don't know what to do. I want to, but I'm not sure if I should. It's like in the cartoons where the devil and the angel appear on each shoulder respectively. Something's telling me to have some balls and do it. But something's also telling me not to, that it's too risky right now. I don't know. At some point, I have to do something. I'm just not sure if this is the point to do it.

Reflections: Fall 2006 – A Semester Of Change

2006-12-13T22:51:00.000-06:00

Looking back over this semester, it’s amazing how much I’ve changed. I created this blog the Sunday before classes started and looking over my early posts it’s clear there’s a difference. In my writing. In my mood. In my personality. In the way I think. I am not the same person I was four short months ago.

A lot has happened this semester and in the weeks leading up to it. Things that, while very difficult at the time, have turned me into a much different and, for the most part, better person. The most influential thing that happened actually took place in the weeks just before the semester started. Depression. Deep, deep depression. That awful, crushing depression I experienced made me much stronger and laid the foundation for the changes that were coming my way. It made me realize who I am. That I had to embrace who I am – had to embrace that I am gay – and not be ashamed of myself. It took me 19 years to figure that out. Battling off such an overwhelming depression wasn’t an easy task, but that alone showed me that I had the inner strength to do whatever I set my mind to. After the depression hit, I figured I would have to get drugs to make it go away or just deal with it for the rest of my life. I did neither. It is gone now. I feel stupid crediting depression for shaping me into a better person, but it really was a big part of it.

Of course, depression isn’t the only thing that helped facilitate the change. This blog played a huge role as well. Never before had I been able to vent my feelings, frustrations, past trauma or whatever. I had nobody I felt I could talk to about most of the stuff in my life. I had so much shit pent up inside of me that I had never let out before. It never mattered that only a couple of people even read this. I’ve unloaded my guts here and it feels great to have done so.

It amazes me how much I’ve changed and the short amount of time in which it took place. To show how extreme and sudden some of the changes were, I went from leaning toward being a conservative republican before the semester began to relating closely with liberal democrats almost within the span of a single day. How’s that for a big change?

As for my social life, well… not much has changed in that department. I met one person this semester who I became friends with – K – but towards the end of the semester we started to drift apart it seemed. I would say we’re still friends just not as close as we were earlier. Oh well. I’ve still got several more years of college to develop a social life.

Will SlyD ever get any ass? Will he turn into a whore? Will he ever see the guy in his history class again? Will he find the love of his life? Will he ever come out of the closet? What will everyone’s reaction be? Tune in next semester to find out! On… the Misadventures of SlyD!!

College really is all about figuring yourself out. And I’ve done just that… so can I quit now?

Finals Week

2006-12-11T23:40:00.000-06:00

Why is it that every time finals roll around the weather suddenly turns wet and dreary? It really helps the mood.

My last final is Thursday then I’m through till the middle of January when I have to start all over again with new, harder classes. Whoopee! I can’t wait!

Wish me luck on my finals! I’ll need all the luck I can get for my history final tomorrow. I haven’t been able to study much (sometimes I seriously think I have ADD), but I feel oddly confident about the test.

I’ll try to post something else tomorrow after I get the burden of my history final off my shoulders (the rest of them are no sweat). After finals are over, a few shockwaves may rock our household but only time will really tell.

Weird Things About Me You May Or May Not Care To Know

2006-12-11T00:43:00.000-06:00

It’s late. I’m tired but can’t sleep. So what pops into my head? Well nothing at first but eventually I start thinking about all the things that make me weird (or should I just say unique). Here goes…

1. I’m an ambidextrous freak. I write left-handed so I guess that qualifies me as a lefty. But, that and eating are about the only things I do with my left hand. For the rest of life’s activities, I’m right-handed. Throw. Bat. Guitar. Scissors. You name it, most likely I do it or use it with my right hand instead of my left. I even sit in right-handed desks in class. I’ve still got the left-handed thinking though. I usually see things differently than the rest of my righty family (oddly enough that applies to politics as well).

2. Standing with my arms relaxed, my right arm naturally hangs close to my side while the left hangs farther away from my body.

3. I can cross all of my fingers on one hand simultaneously and without help from my other hand – index with middle, ring with pinky. I can even do this with both hands at the same time. Check me out! I have never met anyone else who can do this.

4. When I was young, a lady who lived just up the road died in a freak car accident in Dallas. I didn’t know her very well, but this traumatized me. It left me deathly afraid of cars and driving. It affected me so greatly that I would (and still do to a lesser degree) worry about my parents getting into a wreck whenever they went somewhere without me. If they were gone longer than they said they would, I expected the worst. And when I was getting to the age when I could take driver’s ed, I was still scared to drive and had actually never driven a car on the road (and never had much of a desire to do so either). I ended up taking driver’s ed when I was 16, a year after most people my age did. I drove a car on the road for the first time the day before the actual driving portion of the course. I did fine though as the fear from my childhood made me a very cautious driver. I no longer fear driving, but to this day whenever I ride with someone in their car especially in the backseat, I have to constantly look ahead at what’s going on. I don’t have to drive, but I can’t simply sit back and enjoy riding with someone else. I’m always on alert. I’m getting better about it though as the years pass. And to think I’m obsessed with cars now…

5. I once had a nice ass, got several complements from girls. Only problem was that it was accompanied by a sizable belly and flabby arms and legs. When those decided to move out, the ass went with them and only remnants of the belly remained. Why the ass had to go is beyond me. I miss it.

6. I talk to myself when I’m in my car alone. I’ll talk about anything – my life, my friends, my family, my crushes, my classes, my future, other drivers, other drivers’ cars, people’s houses, music, or whatever pops into my mind. Sad part is I frequently crack myself up. Yes, I laugh at myself. While I’m talking to myself. But give me a break. It gets boring being in a car alone for 2 hours each day. I’ve got to entertain myself somehow so I don’t drift off into a daze. Music gets old – radio stations play the same shit over and over to the point that I want to crash my car into a pole just so it will stop (my luck the radio would still be playing) and I’ve listened to all my CDs a million times. I can’t jerk it while I’m driving (or at least I’m not going to try). There’s usually no one to call – most of my friends are in class, at work or still asleep (lazy asses!) during my drive. Listening to road noise grows tiring. And going to sleep just isn’t an option. So that leaves talking to myself. Yep… I’m a nut case.

Well, that’s all my drained mind can come up with. I’m sure there’s more, but these will have to do for now. You probably think I’m a psycho freak. I’m not. I’m just very disturbed. ;-)

…and tired.

I’m going to bed now.

[EDIT: I'll admit I saw this on other blogs but dismissed doing it at the time. Sleepless at 12 in the morning, it came into my mind and I decided to do it. I didn't start with a certain number in mind. It just so happens I stopped with the oh-so-popular six. - SlyD]

Moving N

2006-12-07T13:36:00.000-06:00

I miss understood N the other day. She’s leaving after this semester! The semester that ends TOMORROW!! Not after the fall 2007 semester like I thought she meant.

When she told me this, she jokingly said not to cry. But I was on the verge of it!! I just gave her a warm smile then looked away as tears actually did start to form in my eyes. I fought them off however.

I won’t see her near as often as I have or would like to. But I guess it’s good for her. She’ll be going to the college she actually should have started at, and she’ll get away from AP and AG and their friends (they’re driving her insane). I hope she’s not wanting to get away from me, too. That, thankfully, doesn’t seem to be the case though.

I really will miss N. Words can’t describe how much I’ll miss her. She’s always been there to give me a word of encouragement or knock some reality back into me when I talk about doing crazy shit. I’ll definitely have to visit her after she moves especially since she’s moving in with my other best friend from high school, NH. N and NH were like sisters in high school; I was like their brother. We just had a happy little family going on!

I’ll have to take N up on that offer for her to bring me out to the movies after she gets all moved in next semester. She always goes to see the good movies, not just the chick-flicks. That’s my kind of girl! Plus, she loves to travel, sit and talk, just take a stroll, ride roller coasters, drive cars, stay up late, have fun, and talk shit. If only I was straight, my dream girl would be sitting right in front of me! But I’m not, so she just has to settle with being the greatest friend ever.

Views From The Closet

2006-12-06T18:47:00.000-06:00

I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever be able to come out to my parents. The right moment seems like it will never come. There’s always something going on with my parents – one or both of them – that signals that today is not the day. I want to make it as easiest as possible for them (and me), so I want to avoid times when they’re really stressed out. But that’s all the time, every fucking day.

I’m still unsure how it will go. I’m the more happy-go-luck of their two children. Even though I can be a sarcastic bitch at times, I can generally get them to smile and laugh. I seem to have a way of lightening the mood. I’m hoping this helps and that I can use it to make things go more smoothly. If things drift into an argument (which I can see happening), I’m armed and ready for that. I have plenty of experience from the many arguments (heated debates sounds better doesn’t it?) that my dad and I have engaged in. He knows I’m good at it and can usually leave him speechless. I have a way of dusting off old hypocritical things my dad has said to use against him in an argument. It’s very effective. They don’t give me enough credit.

I just hope it goes well whenever it happens. I hope it doesn’t have any foul consequences due to me revealing a part of myself to them that I never have before. If anything, they should be proud I’m telling them and be proud of the son they raised no matter who he is attracted to. I think I turned out pretty good. I’m a nice, respectful guy. I’m considerate of others. I’m smart. I’m fairly confident and have set goals for my life. I’m just a regular human being who just happens to be gay.

A Little Bit Of Everything

2006-12-06T12:39:00.001-06:00

Finals week is approaching – next week – and it looks like I’m going into it with very good standing. Most classes, I can bomb the final and still make an A. In fact, this semester may be the first (and probably last) time I get a 4.0! At the beginning, I never imagined that. My life was a wreck, and concentration was something I didn’t possess. I expected this semester to be the worst so far.

But, I picked my shit up and made my way through it. I hate what I went through, but looking back, it’s made me a better person in so many ways. I had my own little Enlightenment in my life this semester.

-- -- -- -- --

My brother will be getting a new vehicle this week or next – a Jeep. How gay is that? He’s trading his V8 truck in for a V6 Jeep?! What the fuck is wrong with him?

I’m just kidding. I actually like the new Jeeps but wouldn’t really care to own one and use it as a daily driver like he will. Oh well. I’ve got my car so it doesn’t matter.

I did see a list of the gayest vehicles one time and the Jeep was on it. That I’m not kidding about. I’ve always had my suspicions anyway… =)

-- -- -- -- --

Yeah, the traffic camera job... it didn’t work out. I would have had to work random shifts which would be impossible to do and go to college at the same time. So, I’ve got to look elsewhere.

I need a job soon though, so I can pay off my loan quicker (surprised I even got a loan without having a job). Plus, I seem to have developed a bad shopping habit. Just about an hour ago, I went to Target and spent almost $50… and that’s not the first time it’s happened. I guess I suddenly realized I had a little bit of money and could spend it. I need to stop before I go broke!

-- -- -- -- --

It’s kind of strange and frustrating how my dad acts sometimes. Just this past Sunday, I drove my truck to church, and my parents had to ride back with me.

My dad and I went to the truck after church was over and waited for my mom to come out (she has to talk to everyone). I was in a hurry since the sermon ran late (and boring) and I had a million things to do before I went to bed.

The truck has a bench seat. My dad was sitting on the passenger side, and I was, of course, behind the wheel. My mom finally comes out, and I tell my dad to just move over on the seat so she can get in. He says no and that that wouldn’t look right. What the fuck? Homophobe. You’re afraid to sit by your own damn son because it may not “look right”? That, my friends, is sad.

This isn’t the first time this has happened either. The roles have been reversed where I was the one moving over. Despite his objections to that, I did it anyway. I don’t care what other people think, especially people I don’t know and probably never will know. Someone is not very secure with their own sexuality.

But on this occasion, it was at night and out in the country (the others were in the daytime and in the city in my dad’s truck). We met maybe two or three other vehicles on the way home. Besides, it’s not easy to see inside most vehicles you meet on the highway at night anyway.

He needs to get over himself and stopping worrying about shit like that. I wonder if he does this at work too when all the guys have to ride together in a truck. That would make it even worse if he didn’t – worrying about sitting too close to his son almost 35 years his junior rather than sitting close to horny men around his age. Which is gayer? I bet he’ll be floored when I come out unless this whole situation came about because he already knows the truth.

Reunited

2006-12-05T19:31:00.000-06:00

After over three months, I finally went to visit my friends at their apartment. I feel bad that it’s been that long. I really do. But, I had to get away and be alone for a while to figure myself out.

In three months, few things have change with them. It’s me who has changed. N has a new car, but other than that, she’s the same old know-me-like-the-back-of-her-hand N. We resumed our close bond like we never were apart. If I were straight, N would be the girl I was after. Not because she has money and looks smokin’ all the time but because of the amazing relationship we have with each other (that begs the question of would it be any different if I was straight… probably would be). I think we were somehow separated at birth… not sure how to explain how she turned out black and me white though. AP has moved up even higher at her job, and she’s still as fun as ever to be around (she said she felt like she didn’t even know me anymore since it’s been so long). AG hasn’t changed a bit. Still a dork.

They may not have noticed, but I have changed a great deal since I last visited them. It’s usually not noticeable at first. My personality, attitude, confidence, self-esteem, self-image, and general outlook on life have changed. All within about three months. But on the surface, I’m still the same. N probably noticed. AP and AG didn’t – they don’t know me like N does to notice a change.

Back to N and me, I have to say I love N. Not in a romantic way but as a friend. Just being around her makes me feel better. I feel comfortable just being myself and talking about or doing anything even though I never have come out to her (probably don’t need to – she can read my mind). It kind of scares me knowing she will be moving to a different college after next fall. I may lose the greatest friend I’ve ever had.

Anyway, N and I talked about going out to celebrate the end of the semester. We’ve made plans to do something similar in the past, but nothing ever happened. Hopefully, we can make this happen.

I regret ever ditching my friends just to be alone, but nobody makes the right decisions all the time. I’ve learned never to leave your friends behind and found out how great my friends really are. Even though they can get on my nerves at times (well not N), they are some of the greatest people I have met in my life. I hope I never lose them. I don’t know what I would do if I did.

Not Today

2006-12-02T22:18:00.000-06:00

Nothing happened. I probably would have if it weren’t for all the bitching. My parents – both of them – have done nothing but bitch all fucking day long. And it’s about to drive me crazy. My mom’s still on her emotional tirade (how long does PMS last?), busting out with tears at random times and going from happy-go-lucky to down in the dumps in two seconds. I think she’s on the verge of an emotional breakdown. I try to cheer her up, but the constant bitchfest coming from her pushes me away. I love her, but she lets people push her over too easily. She never stands up for herself. And, she takes it out on us with nonstop bitching, crying, and moping around the house. It makes me want to scream and beat my head on the wall.

So, today wasn’t really the day after all. Tomorrow, I don’t know. I’m going to try to be gone most of the day (see escape the bitching). If my cousins are home, I’ll probably go visit them. It’s been a while since I’ve hung out with them anyway. Hell, I may just drive around to waste time. Almost anything’s better than being subjected to the bitching at home. The desire to move out has never been stronger.

The Day

2006-12-02T12:14:00.000-06:00

I think today may be the day. I'll keep you posted if anything happens (if I'm not thrown out of the house). I hope everything goes well if I do spill my guts. I'm scared to death, because I woke up this morning with the feeling that today was just the day. Maybe it is and I can get this shit off my chest.

Leaf Drifting

2006-11-30T09:12:00.000-06:00

My dad brought me to class today… in my car. Problem is I left my cell phone in the car when I got out. And, he left with the car to go to a doctor’s appointment. I have no way to call him, and we didn’t make arrangement about where to pick me up after I get out of class (he’s clueless on campus, too – he actually drives the speed limit…). Not sure what I’ll do. I may have to drop in to one of the department offices and ask to use their phone. As for why he rode with me, there’s his doctor’s appointment, plus I have to go get a scratch on my car fixed today. He thinks I can’t do that by myself.

-- -- -- -- --

I went to Target yesterday. I love Target! They scored well on the HRC buying guide, too (not that I use that to base my shopping on – don’t have time to consult a guide when I’m shopping for something – but I just noticed it faired well). I really don’t know what I went in looking for – I just wanted to get away from campus – but I walked out with a couple of shirts and that Pink CD I’ve been wanting for a while now (they finally had it). I looked at some jeans, and I needed to have looked for some shoes, a few long-sleeve shirts (I have almost none), and a watch. I’m going back tomorrow if the weather is okay.

-- -- -- -- --

Most of the leaves on the trees have fallen. Our yard is covered with them. So, you know what that means? Leaf drifting on the four-wheeler!

No matter what kind of mood I’m in, leaf drifting always gets me smiling and laughing. It’s just so much fun! Yes, I look like an idiot riding the four-wheeler laughing at seemingly nothing while I’m sliding all over our yard, but who gives a fuck? I’m having fun! And loads of it! That’s the country boy way of fun. Those city folk are just missing out.

NOTE: If you ever attempt this, make sure four-wheeler is rear wheel drive and not four wheel drive. Four wheel drive will just understeer through the leaves which is no fun (just kind of scary at times). For proper technique, go full throttle into large area covered with leaves and free of any obstacles (unless advanced leaf drifter). Start turning slightly and rear end should start to swing around, tightening your curve. Sometimes, rear end may need a rather quick steering input to break loose. If excessive oversteer exists, steer in the opposite direction of the slide to correct but stay on throttle. Straighten steering with throttle still applied to bring the rear end back in line. During the entire slide, never let off the throttle unless you slide out of leaves and tires regain grip in dirt (in which case, let off throttle and straighten steering). Congratulations! You have just learned to leaf drift.

Now, go try that and come back to tell me how it was. You know you want to. You know it’ll be fun. I can guarantee that.

Ranting

2006-11-29T22:57:00.000-06:00

Today, my mom was doing one of her emotional rants filled to the brim with crying, frustration, and the usual hesitations as she thinks of an allowed replacement for a cuss word*. But while she was going full-steam in rant mode, I couldn’t think of anything except saying “well, I guess this wouldn’t be a good time to tell you I’m gay.” Just thinking about that makes me laugh.

Seeing my mom’s rant makes me glad I’m gay. Women are just too damn emotional! There’s no way I could even fake a straight relationship with a girl. I. Would. Go. In. Sane. I just couldn’t do it. Friends, yeah. Relationship, hell no. Of course, what do I know… I haven’t even been in any relationship.

* I’ve never understood that – whether you say shoot/shit or anything of the like, they both mean the same thing if used in the same context, so why is one considered worse than the other?

Touchy Throttle

2006-11-28T09:02:00.000-06:00

So far, I’ve found only one problem with my new car, and it’s just something I’ll have to get used to over time. The throttle is crazy sensitive right off idle. Every time I take off, the car lunges forward since I’m used to a car that requires some muscle to push the accelerator or requires playing with an additional pedal. The Mustang I drove several months back was the same way. I’ve heard this is a trick the domestics use to make the car appear to have more power than it actually does. For me, it just makes driving it a little awkward.

-- -- -- -- --

On to more personal things, I’ve been contemplating a “coming out speech” in my head. It sounds pretty good to me, but I’ll forget every bit of it when – or if – I actually do come out. I could use note cards and make a Powerpoint! ;)

Regardless, the time is coming and coming fast. I can sense it just around the corner, and it quite frankly scares the shit out of me. But, I’ve got to do it. I’ve got to. (Why do I get the feeling I’ve said this before?)

On a different note, I’ve been working out – if you want to call it that – fairly consistently each night. And, I can tell the difference. My weight has taken a sizable drop and began to level off. My arms show a noticeable change, and my back and posture have improved. I’m satisfied with the results thus far, but I still need to join a gym to get a true full body workout.

-- -- -- -- --

I may finally be getting a job. My dad found out about a part-time job watching traffic cameras. Exciting, I know. But, I may have time to do homework while I’m at work. Plus, the pay is around $10 an hour. Damn! I’m all for it. The only problem is fitting work in with my class schedule. They would not be flexible enough to work around my classes; my classes would have to work around them. This is not your typical college student job anyway.

If I snagged that job, I would probably have no problem convincing my parents I need an apartment near campus. Yes, I have a loan for my car now (it’s open and not too terribly much). But with that job and a sharp decrease in my gas bill thanks to a much shorter drive, I think I could afford rent. I may not have electricity or cable, but hey, I could at least pay the rent!

What would make things better is if I had someone to share an apartment (and rent and bills) with. Finding a long-term boyfriend to get an apartment with would be great (split bills plus kicking it anytime, anywhere we want), but that ain’t gonna happen. The idea that keeps resonating in my mind probably isn’t a great idea but would be the one most likely to work. Get an apartment with my brother. He graduates in December, and he’s pretty much got a job not far from campus. Yes, we would clash, but it just may work. He needs to move out of my parents’ house anyway (and so do I).

He would be a little snitch though. Everything I did or said would find its way back to my parents. And, I know I would be cussing all the time. Of course, I’ve got him there. I would be worried about when I go out or who I brought back to the apartment getting back to them. But, he’s got his dirty little secrets too that would come out. I would be willing to keep his, but I don’t know what he would do with mine.

-- -- -- -- --

The end of the semester is only a couple of weeks away. And as it goes so too probably goes the guy in my history class. But, I noticed last class he sat closer to me. He even looked directly at me! Maybe there’s hope after all. Maybe destiny would have me getting an apartment with him. Maybe my dreams would come true. Maybe I would finally be with the guy in my history class. Maybe I would stop all this maybe shit.

The optimist and dreamer in me hopes that would happen, but the realist in me notes I don’t a snowball’s chance in hell of that ever happening. I hate reality! It just sucks.

-- -- -- -- --

Today’s a depressing, overcast, warm, muggy day. It’s not your typical late November day. Lately, it gets cold for a few days then we have a week or longer warm streak. I’m ready for it to just get cold and stay cold. I love cold weather, and we haven’t really had any yet… at least not consistently. It appears my wishes may be fulfilled later this week.

Anyway, I hope you have a great, warm or cold – whichever you prefer – day. I’ll probably have something new (or recycled) Thursday if not tomorrow. See ya then!

New Car

2006-11-24T19:20:00.000-06:00

It’s finally over. I got a new car today. Well actually, it’s used, but it’s new to me.

I love the car! It has so many little, unexpected things (example: the driver’s side door unlocking when you take the key out). I can tell already that my eyes will be on the driver info display more than they will be on the road. Got to make sure I’m getting good gas mileage! Speaking of that, it’s got a torque-happy V6 that gets the gas mileage of a 4-cylinder.

I just got back from taking it for a nighttime stroll. Those red lights covering the dash look great! It’s a big, heavy car, but it’s amazingly fun to drive. And, the seats are awesome. They’re soft with the perfect touch of firmness and hug you when you sit in them. The stock sound system is good enough to suit my needs. The steering wheel is fat and fits almost perfectly in my hand (though not as good as my Focus’ small super-fat wheel did), plus it has all the audio controls on it. The gauges are gigantic and insanely easy to read. All the controls are close and easy to reach. The automatic climate control works much better and more conspicuously than the one in the Fusion did (all of a sudden, WHOOSH!!! – scared the living shit out of me the first time it did that). Overall, it’s a great car.

If you had told me when I started looking for a new car that I would have the car I have now and love it as much as I do, I would have thought you were crazy. I never expected to end up in the car I did. It’s not exactly the car most people would picture me driving anyway… most people my age wouldn’t want to be caught dead in one (they’re just missing out). But, I fell in love with it the minute I sat in it… driving it only reaffirmed my love affair with it. That sleek roofline didn’t hurt either. I just love this car!

Besides, it’s only a distant cousin of the GTO… but with four doors, front-wheel drive, and a V6.

-- -- -- -- --

By the way, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! I know I did! I didn’t eat too much either. I only gained half a pound. It probably would have been more if my aunt had cooked the turkey all the way. Oh well. I still had fun hanging with my family and joining everyone else in avoiding my grandpa’s hunting stories. The only thing that would have made it better was if we had gotten a Rook game going. Oh yeah.

Turkey Time!

2006-11-21T10:28:00.000-06:00

Well, it’s almost Thanksgiving! We all know what that means – eating too much and worrying where those extra pounds will show up. I’ll try to have some constraint this year. No desserts. Unless my grandma cooks a coconut cake. Or a pecan pie. Or… oh, fuck it. Just when my weight was starting to stabilize, too.

-- -- -- -- --

Sorry about the lack of posts lately. I’ve been busy with other things. And no, I haven’t put myself on any dating sites yet. Or come out (the goal, remember, was by Christmas anyway).

I’ve been checking on a different car (it’s always fun dealing with salesmen). I just turned down a deal on a sweet fully loaded Fusion because they were trying to rape me on my trade-in (big surprise). Admittedly, my trade-in isn’t worth much, but it is worth more than they were giving for it – and I bought the damn car from this dealership (never again though, they can kiss my white, hairy ass). So, I’m off to look at more cars after my next class is over (I have a test, wish me luck!). Hopefully, I can find a car soon. This is driving me crazy.

-- -- -- -- --

I probably won’t post anything else till after Thanksgiving, so I hope you have a great one! Just remember to exercise and get those extra pounds off quick – in a month, we’ll be doing this all over again.

Have fun with your family and friends or whoever you’re spending the holiday with and stay safe!

Confessions

2006-11-16T08:58:00.000-06:00

Ah, blogging during class. I’ve got to do something to pass the time, don’t I? But, I’ve got to admit something – I usually write out most of these, type them when I get home, then postdate them when I put them up later. I know. I’m a bad, bad person.

Sometimes, things will change as it goes from paper to computer. It depends on how my mood has changed or what has happened since I wrote it (several days can pass before I actually get around to posting it). In fact, I’ve got an entry from Tuesday that still needs to be typed and posted (that is if I decide to post it). I usually try to get things posted as soon as possible, but shit happens. I get distracted, and the last thing on my mind is posting something to my blog for no one to read. And, there are many entries I’ve written that have never made it up here for reasons ranging from me deeming them inappropriate to me just being too lazy to type them.

Not all are written down though. Most in the morning during the week – those I write during class or common hour – see paper first (including this very entry); those later in the day or on weekends go straight to digital form.

I’m sure you really cared to know all that. Hmm… what else could I bore you with?

-- -- -- -- --

I think I may finally resort to the internet to find a date. I’ve never wanted to do that but just sitting here is getting me nowhere.

I’ve always been afraid to do the internet dating thing. It doesn’t seem like it would work. But, I’m willing to give it a try. Hopefully, I won’t get burned in the process.

I’ll see how it goes. And as always, I’ll keep you up-to-date on whatever happens. I know you’ll be sitting in front of your computer screens refreshing the page ten times a minute anxiously awaiting a report back from me on the matter.

Have fun and here’s to a great day!

My Morning

2006-11-09T12:47:00.000-06:00

~12:05 AM: I climb into bed after washing my face and taking the transparent pieces of sandpaper many call contacts out of my eyes. As usual, I lie on my back for about 30 minutes as my mind reviews the day, contemplates the normal things, and wishes I had someone lying beside me in bed. Slowly and without noticing, those thoughts exit my mind and I drift off into a deep sleep.

6:45 AM: My cell phone alarm starts blaring. Half asleep, I almost fall out of bed clawing at my nightstand for the damn phone, wanting to throw it against the wall just to shut it up.

My fingers quickly find the button on the side of the phone that silences the alarm. I grab the phone and fall back into to my little hole in the bed, not wanting to get up. Thoughts of skipping my 9:00 class and sleeping late flood my mind.

“I never pay any attention in that class anyway,” I rationalize. “We’re not going over anything new, just the same-old, same-old.”

I flip open my phone, which I was still holding in my hand for some reason, and adjust the alarm. I toss the phone on the shelf over my bed as my eye lids begin their descent.

~8:00 AM: I awake to… something. I look at the clock and with a sigh my head meets my pillow again.

8:45 AM: My ears fill with that all too familiar noise emitting from my phone. Too out of it to realize the sound is coming from overhead, my hand shoots for the nightstand only to be redirected when my mind remembers the phone isn’t there.

I lie back on the bed for a few minutes staring up at the ceiling, knowing I have to get up now. I can’t miss my other class, even though it’s the one I dream of skipping despite the guy in my history being in there.

So, I crawl out of bed and go pee. While in the bathroom, I step on the scales. Wow! 146 – look at me! I’ve only lost weight in my arms and legs though – my belly hasn’t gone anywhere despite the low number for my height and build. Then, I do my customary admiring-my-ass-in-the-mirror routine. Hot stuff!

I go about the rest of my drawn-out morning slowly waking up and getting ready to face the world.

9:56 AM: Finally ready, I prance out to my car and embark on my 50 minute journey to class. I fight over whether to drive fast, get there quicker, get there way too early, and risk getting pulled over or take it easy, drive for a longer amount of time, get there just a little early, and not have to worry much about any flashing lights in my rearview mirror. I eventually decide to take it easy since there have been many cops – including state troopers – prowling the road I spend the most time on.

My radio thumping and my mouth running occasionally, the tedious drive passes fairly quickly… but not quickly enough.

10:49 AM: After almost getting side-swiped yet again, I make it to the campus parking lot and pull into a random spot. I’ve never been one to circle the lot for 20 minutes waiting for that perfect spot near the building. I have legs and they work. I can walk. I need the exercise.

What cracks me up are the people who do circle the parking lot looking for a close spot. Is it me or do they always seem to be fat people who need to be walking anyway? Park in the farthest spot out – you may lose a pound or two.

11:21 AM: I look down at my watch. I’m starting to worry. The class was supposed to start at 11:15, and the professor isn’t here yet. Don’t tell me I drove up here for nothing! He had better show up or I’m hunting his ass down.

To make matters worse, the guy in my history class is not here. No one to look at to occupy my time…

11:22 AM: THERE HE IS!! Thank you! Most students probably want the professor to skip, but I don’t. I drive too far to have the professor not show up.

For the next hour, I write two and a half pages of notes about European rulers who I don’t give a rat’s ass about at the moment. I have much bigger concerns occupying my thoughts. Those will have to be dealt with later though. For now, I just have to get the pain in my hand to stop.

-- -- -- -- --

So, that was my morning. Not a typical morning – I rarely skip class to sleep in – but, nevertheless, it was my morning today.

Let Me Steal Your Number And Put It In My Purse

2006-11-08T15:46:00.000-06:00

Today, K gave me her cell phone number. And I, of course, gave her mine, too, following that. She said it was in case one of us couldn’t make it to class we could call the other and have them sign the roll sheet. You can get in deep shit over that, so I’m not too crazy about the idea of it.

K and I have gotten pretty close over the semester. So close, I’m thinking about asking if she wants to go out some time. Next Friday maybe? She’s definitely a candidate.

I hope she doesn’t think there’s anything special going on between us. I have a bad habit of making it seem that way only to crush their hearts when I run from them after they start making advances. It’s been awhile since I’ve broken a girl’s heart though. I don’t want to do it again (however I’ll admit to enjoying it in a cynical way at times).

-- -- -- -- --

I went to Target today and, for the first time, walked out with nothing. Nothing.

I couldn’t find anything I needed. I went in looking for some dumbbells. They didn’t have any. For a Pink CD. They didn’t have it. For several books. They didn’t have any of them.

So, I left. With nothing.

I didn’t expect them to have many, if any, dumbbells, but I kind of expected them to have the CD and at least one of the books (they weren’t too off-the-wall). Oh well. I would have gone to Academy Sports or the mall instead, but I didn’t have the time or patience to deal with the road construction around that area. I had about an hour before my next class started, so I didn’t want to risk getting stuck in traffic while they took 30 minutes to move a roller to the other side of the road. Ah, progressive.

I always feel a little strange going into stores. I look like I’ve got my pockets stuffed with shit I’m trying to steal. I have my keys and cell phone in one of the front pockets. It looks like I’m rocking a very twisted hard-on. My checkbook usually goes in the other pocket. It makes it look like a big rectangular slab has grown on the side of my leg. I expect five cops to jump out of… somewhere when I’m leaving a store and strip search me (I would only agree if they do it too). But, different pants have different effects. Some are much better than others. My tighter-fitting pants – my butt pants – oddly seem to do better than the loose/baggy ones. Unfortunately, I was wearing one of my baggy pants today (they do a horrible job of showing off my ass too).

I guess I just need to get a purse!

No GSA

2006-11-07T10:31:00.000-06:00

Well, I chickened out. I didn’t go. I made it as far as the building the meeting was being held in but no farther. I’m kicking myself now for not going.

However, something interesting happened as I was walking away from the building – I met my brother going into the building. Hmm. I’ve always had my suspicions, and there is one particular guy that he seems to be really close with (and not so much in just the buddy-buddy way).

Of course, there are many other things in the building he could be going to, but it just seemed strange. I never see my brother on campus, and then, I just so happen to see him on the day of a GSA meeting going into the building where the meeting is.

It kind of made me feel better about not attending the meeting knowing he saw me leaving the building right before the meeting started. A witness that I didn’t go. I still have to brush off some of those suspicions until I formally come out.

On a slightly different note, the guy in my history class didn’t go to the meeting. I just saw him in the library (my common hour hang-out). God, he’s hot. Anyway, I didn’t miss anything in that respect by skipping the meeting. Maybe next time I’ll go though.

-- -- -- -- --

My life hasn’t been very eventful lately. In a way, that’s a good thing; in a way, it’s not. It’s a nice change of pace, though, from the past month.

There may be a great thing happening next weekend. My parents are talking about visiting my great uncle who lives in a different state, and my brother will be gone for two days with that guy I was talking about. So, I would be left all alone. *evil grin* Someone will be going out that Friday night, even if he goes by himself!

Don’t know where I’ll go. There are two gay bars in the area, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I wish I had someone to go with in case I did get drunk (and turned into a slut). Cockblocker to the rescue! Seriously though, I might need a place to crash that night.

Anyone want to open their house or apartment to me next Friday? I’m a nice guy (when I’m sober, don’t know about when drunk), and I can sleep on the couch!

GSA

2006-11-07T09:02:00.000-06:00

I’m over the loss of the Goat. I’ve moved on now… just so you know.

I’m probably going to the GSA meeting here on campus today. I feel I’ve got to do something or at least meet some other gay people. Maybe the guy in my history class will be there (I’ll admit it – that’s the main reason I want to go).

I hope it’s all right and not weird. I’m still a little uncomfortable discussing all that stuff. But, the sponsor is really nice. I’ve emailed her a few times, and she’s been great.

One of my fears in going is walking in and seeing someone I know. Worst yet is word getting back to my parents about me going to the meeting. I’m almost ready to come out, but I want to be the one initiating the conversation, not them. There aren’t many people here who know me, but I’ve seen first hand how quickly things can get back to my parents… no matter how well it seems to be covered up.

Fuck Me

2006-11-03T23:42:00.000-06:00

If I were able to right now, I would go out and get drunk out of my mind. So drunk I’d pass out.

You know the GTO I wanted? Well, it’s gone. They sold it.

The car looked so promising. It was in very good condition and at a great price. I had gotten my hopes up about finally getting new car. I should have known better. I’ve had my hopes up many times before just to have them shattered for one shitty reason or another. You would think I would be used to it by now, but this time was different. I was closer than ever before. It was just out of my reach when it was snatched away. But, it’s gone now and there’s nothing I can do about it.

Why did this happen, you ask? My mom dragged her ass calling the bank to get a loan. She finally called Thursday, but the guy she knew – the one that could get us a sweet rate – was out until Monday. Had she called Monday when she was supposed to and said she would, I probably would have had the car Tuesday. But, I had no control over that. That was completely in her hands. I couldn’t get the same rate she could.

My parents, who would have to co-sign the loan, insisted we get the loan through our bank, because we could get a better rate, which is probably true. However, if you never contact the bank (or in this case, procrastinate your ass off doing so), you never get the loan thus never get the car. Next time, we’re financing the damn car, whatever it may be, through the fucking dealership. No bullshitting around getting a loan.

But, my mom loves this. She didn’t really want me to get the car anyway (the reason she dogged around calling the bank). She acted like she did though. She acted excited when we were at the dealership and even told me the car fit me exactly. But, my dad told me the truth when we were driving to my aunt’s new house last Saturday. Huh…

My parents were the ones who broke the news to me. They had gone to town and, to prove my dad wanted me to get the car, driven by the dealership to see if it was still there. Well, it wasn’t. They called me to tell me the bad news. I contemplated having some bad news (bad for them probably) of my own when they got home in the form of coming out. I decided against that, but I was still pissed beyond belief. I felt like punching something, shooting something, cussing someone/thing out, or all three all at the same time. If my mom had tried calling the bank earlier in the week, it wouldn’t have been a problem. I could understand that and be fine with it. That’s not what happened though, and I won’t soon be letting her forget that.

Hey, if they don’t want me moving out, they have to deal with my bitchiness (which is a direct result of their – well, my mom’s – actions, or lack of actions) while I’m here. I dream about moving out every day of the week… *sigh*

So, pass me another one! I've got several more to go to forget about all this.

Three Months

2006-11-02T09:25:00.000-06:00

Wow! Almost three months and still going! And still no one visiting! Yeah! *pants self on back*

Anyway, no Goat yet. I’m still waiting on my mom to call the bank (she used to work there and can hopefully get a better rate).

I’ve been bugging her about calling (or her not calling – she was supposed to call Monday and oh look, it’s Thursday). I’ve pissed her off almost everyday this week talking about it, so I thought I would use a more humorous approach to reminding her to call.

Last night, I got several sticky notes and wrote messages on them to put in her car. The best was spelling “bank” with the letters mirrored (yes I had to right it the correct way and then the mirrored way – my mind’s not that sharp) to put on the back window, so when she looks in the rearview mirror, she would see “bank.”

Well, my mom leaves this morning, suspiciously without coming back inside to say something about the messages I left in her car. Over five minutes after she had left, my cell phone rings. It was my mom. She was dying laughing! She hadn’t looked in her rearview mirror until that point (kind of scary, huh?). She loved it! She said she expected nothing less than something like that from me and for the first time, asked me directly about how much money I would need for the car. So hopefully this worked!

-- -- -- -- --

Yesterday evening, my dad and I had to help my uncle trail a deer he had killed behind our house (remember I live in the sticks). It was dark. It was cold. It was raining. And I loved it!

I love wandering around in the woods especially at night (though not so much in the rain on a cold day). I know the woods almost like the back of my hand. In the event that I do get lost, I just head east, south or west and I’ll soon come out to a road. But I wouldn’t get lost back there, would I?

Oh but I’m supposed to be looking for blood. Yeah.

Luckily, we (or they – I wasn’t looking very hard) found the deer quickly as the rain was only getting heavier as time went on. One problem though – we didn’t know where we were or how to get back to where we came in. So, we started heading toward a nearby back road… or so we thought. Come to find out later, we were actually heading away from it (I wasn’t in the lead – not my fault).

We walked, dragging the deer along with us, for several minutes until my dad and I both started seeing things that looked very familiar. I knew we had to be getting close to the small creek – a clear sign our house was not far from there – because of the way the land is around it (up a small hill then down into the creek bed). My dad found an old fire lane further cluing us in to where we were. Following the fire lane, we began to see a flicker of a street light up the hill on the other side of the creek. Knowing where we were, I recognized it as the light in our backyard. I told my know-it-all uncle this. He replied saying it couldn’t be because we were headed in the opposite direction. Ha! Sorry you don’t know these woods and have a general sense of what direction you’re heading like I do (most of the time at least). Finally, we come upon one of our 4-wheeler trails, and we knew exactly where we were (except for my uncle who was still clueless).

They sent me to go get our 4-wheeler to bring the deer out on. So, I ran out of the woods all the way to our backyard at which point I had to stop or I would collapse. After walking the rest of the way to the house (we have a large yard) to get the key, I hopped on the 4-wheeler – still panting from my run (I’m so out of shape) – and flew back to where they had stopped. At last, we got the deer out of the woods. We were all soaked – me the most from driving the 4-wheeler – and freezing. But, that damn deer was out of the woods and is now getting processed!

The worst part – I don’t even like deer meat…

-- -- -- -- --

I’ve decided to set a few goals for myself. They’re really important to me and I’m going to try my damnedest to meet them.

Goal #1: Come out to my parents before Christmas, preferably before Thanksgiving.

This is an immensely important goal to me. The sooner it’s met, the better. But, I have to go with the flow on this one. There may not be an appropriate time to come out before then. I don’t know. But, I would think there would be – whether I’ll seize the opportunity when it presents itself is another matter.

Goal #2: Pop some cherries!

Yep, those cherries are mine, too. No set timetable for this but before the end of the year would be great (hell, tomorrow – even tonight – would be great). But, I’m not going to be a horny little bastard who rides the first cock he sees (or at least try not to be). This is also a waiting-for-the-right-moment goal. I don’t care so much about when it happens as I do about it being with the right person.

So, there are my goals. I’ll report back when either one is achieved… whether you really want to know about it or not (though I know you do).

Three Letter Beast

2006-10-27T20:20:00.000-05:00

This morning I was pissed. I drove 45 minutes to class – fighting the wind all the while and expecting a test when I arrived – only to find that it was canceled and the test rescheduled. Nothing posted online. No e-mail. Just a letter outside the classroom telling us the dreaded news. Ugh.

I called my parents, who were headed to town for doctor’s appointments, after getting back to my car. They insisted I wait at college until my dad got his flu shot then they would pick me up, bring me out to eat, and finally get me a new jacket (I was going to do that by myself today – hey, they want to buy me a jacket they can sure go ahead). I agreed thinking it wouldn’t be too bad or take too long. For starters, I had to wait almost 45 minutes for them to get the flu shot and come pick me up. I could have had my jacket and been well over half way home had I gone with my original plan for the day.

But, I didn’t.

Instead, I rode with them across town to drop my mom off for her doctor’s appointment. My dad and I headed to Home Depot to pick up some stuff. He couldn’t remember what he needed to get (he’s getting bad about that) so all we walked out with was a new shower head. Home Depot isn’t a place I love to visit, but at least there’s usually plenty of hotties to look at while I’m there. That never hurts. Then, we went back to pick my mom up and headed off to get something to eat. After the typical drama associated with deciding where to eat, we ended up at a pizza place. We enjoyed a nice conversation and few laughs over several slices of pizza from the buffet. After getting our fill of pizza, my parents decided they would go to the mall – my least favorite place to go, especially with my parents. I would have wandered off on my own if I had had my checkbook or more than one dollar in my billfold. I can’t buy anything so why even look, I told myself. So I trudged around with my parents for well over an hour as they looked at every little thing they passed. Finally, they finished looking over everything and left the mall.

We headed back to the other side of town where we originally were. We hit one more store before we went to Target – my favorite place to go if I need almost anything (fuck always-dirty-and-overrun-with-rednecks-and-wild-kids Walmart). After a quick stroll through the store, stopping to pick out a jacket of course, we were leaving the parking lot when I saw it. Yes, it – the Three Letter Beast.

G. T. O.

I’ve been wanting one for a while now. And my parents knew that. And there was one for sell nearby at a very good price. My dad said the car was ugly… until he pulled up near the one sitting in the parking lot. After giving it a quick look-over, he proceeded to leave the parking lot and get into the turning lane that led to the dealership where the one I had been eyeing was located.

When we arrived at the dealership, we got out to look at the car and of course a salesman bee-lined out to us. It didn’t help any that we were just about the only people on the entire lot. He offered to go get the key so we could look in it. We agreed to his offer and he scurried off to retrieve it. After tossing me the key and telling me to crank her up, I hopped in the car and fired it up. Wow. The V8 roared to life with a sweet low, rumbling idle. After checking out the interior for a bit, the salesman asks if I want to take it for a spin. Of course! So my mom hops in the passenger seat while my dad and the salesman decide to stay at the lot (thank god – I hate when the salesmen ride with you).

Shifting into drive, the car squats some in the rear, revealing the monstrous amounts of torque the V8 makes even at idle. I ease out of the lot and decide to take one of the back streets – unfortunately a street I’ve never been down before – since traffic on the main roads was fairly thick (it was around 5). The first thing I notice about the car is how powerful it feels. Just cruising around at 30 mph, it still seems to be oozing with power. The steering is pretty heavy too and takes some effort to turn the wheel – I like that. Surprisingly, the car is very easy to just cruise around in. It has a very relaxed nature… until you stab the throttle. Then, you are pinned to the seat as the V8 screams for mercy. It’s almost a religious experience. And to think, there are cars that are much faster than this thing! It’s an amazing car though and has more than enough power for me. And it's a car I hope to have sitting outside our house with the key in my pocket.

When we return from our test drive, we find that my dad has been talking numbers with the salesman while we were gone. This surprised me. I figured this would just be a drive and run experience with no chance of any type of deal going down. My dad told him about my car, which we would be trading in for the Goat. I didn’t drive my car there – it was still parked over at the college where I left it – and we told him that we would go get it and bring it back (we weren’t far from it). I think the salesman thought we were just pulling his leg and wouldn’t come back, because as I was walking out, he sort of jokingly asked me if we really were coming back. I assured him we were… and we did.

As they were looking my car over, my mom suggested my dad take the Goat for a spin to see if he could find anything wrong with it that I didn’t notice. He took the suggestion and my dad and I left on yet another test drive. I think this drive sold my dad on the car. I’ll ending up fighting with him over who gets to drive it (even though I will be paying for it)! Upon returning, the salesman came back with the quote on my car. They, of course, low-balled the trade-in value of my car. After some talking, the price jumped up $1,500. It still needs to go up at least another $500 or it’s no deal. I think we could work that out later though. The guy probably thinks we won’t do anything now. We left saying we would check with our bank on financing. He probably hears that a lot but never hears anything back from the people who say that. But he may very well hear from us again. My dad’s jumped on the GTO bandwagon with me. He’s wanting me to get it now! My mom has to check with the bank on Monday and if all goes well, I may be driving a Goat come Tuesday!

This evening I am happy and excited! The day ended on a great note after all even though the signs early on pointed to it being a shitty day. And it’s good I didn’t go with my original plan for the day as the Three Letter Beast was nowhere in that plan. Maybe it’s good my class was canceled too – my pointless drive to town may transform into a new ride to town.